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What My 45-Year-Old Self Would Tell My 25-Year-Old Self
I was born on the day following Father's Day at a little after 1 am. My late father always said that I was the best present he had ever received in his life. Well, on June 17, a day that also immediately follows Father's Day, I'll be (what?!) 45 years old. Five years from 50. Wow. Just wow.
A couple of days ago, when I sat to think about where I was—literally as well as emotionally—and what I was doing 20 years ago, I had to stop and catch my breath a bit. I remember when a surrogate mother of mine had her last conversation with me while dying on her hospice bed. She was only in her 50s when she said, "Shellie, it goes by faster than you think." Boy, does it. Although my health is good (praise the Lord!) and I hope to see many (MANY) more years, when I think back to the fact that in 1999, I was only 25 years old and then when I reflect on all of the life lessons I have learned since then…my surrogate mom was correct. Time really does fly. If you're blessed, you have a few things to show for it.
Although I don't take it lightly when someone asks my age, I tell them and they reply with how much younger I look, honestly, I'm a firm believer that if you live each year to its fullest, you are not only unafraid of aging, you're actually ready to move on to the next year; you're open to seeing what the next 365 days have in store.
I'm pretty much an ambivert, so while it's highly doubtful that I'll be out here partying like it's 1999 on my special day, I do want to share a few things that these past two decades have taught me; things that, I wish I had known (or paid closer attention to) back when I was 25.
1.You Don’t Need Half of What’s in Your Closet
Writer Shellie R. Warren
Cody Uhls
According to the Cheat Sheet website, here are some of the things that lose value, just as soon as you purchase them: cars, jewelry, cell phones, furniture, handbags, wedding gowns and clothing. A lot of us know this and still, we're willing to spend at least $150 a month on clothes. Not only is that a trip, but most of us end up "double wasting" our money because even with a closet full of outfits, we tend to only wear 20 percent of 'em.
Back in 1999, I was in somebody's thrift store or somebody's mall, at least a few times a month. I hate to say it, but sometimes I'd be short on a bill because I wanted another dress that I absolutely did not need. I'm still a bit more of a clothes horse than I should be, but definitely not at the risk of jacking up my credit or not having any lights on. Although I must admit that the stats are right—there are some things that I own that I've worn once, if that much.
Hmph. I can only imagine how much money I would've saved if I was more focused on investing than making sure I wasn't seen with the same thing on twice like I was on a television sitcom or something. SMDH. If you're in your 20s and reading this, you don't need most of what you've got. Put some of your money into a savings account instead of into a dresser drawer that's doing nothing but collecting dust. You'll thank me later. I promise you that.
2.It’s Not a Compliment When a Guy with a Girlfriend Wants You
If you've read even five articles that I've written on here before, you'll notice three things—I dig quotes, song lyrics/references and word definitions. Well, in true Shellie fashion, the definition for compliment is "an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration".
Way back in the day, an ex of mine once told me that my biggest issue (as far as men were concerned) was that I treated compliments like they were revelations instead of confirmations. Translation—since I didn't feel very good about myself, I was always "thankful" when a man told me that I was smart, pretty or sexy.
He was spot-on. Shoot, that's how he was able to get some (more on that in a bit). And because men were able to "fill me up" in the places where I was empty, it didn't really matter if he was seeing someone or not—if I was attracted to him and he was attracted to me, I found it to be high praise if he found me desirable.
Lord. If I could first hug and then shake my 25-year-old self, I would let her know that a man who's checking for you who has a woman is nothing to be impressed with. If he truly saw your worth, he'd admire you from afar because he'd know that you deserve a man who could give all of himself; not just some horny guy who spits game to see if he can get his itches scratched.
3.Get Yourself a Tax Account (and Attorney, If Necessary)
If 2019 hasn't done anything else, it has been exposing people and their ish left and right. I believe it was Bill Clinton who once said, "Tell all of your business before someone else exaggerates it." That said, I am very open about the fact that the IRS doesn't like me and I don't like it. It all started around 1997 when I got a job that gave me a 1099 that I didn't know quite what to do with. Then, I found myself seeing more of those tax forms than I ever did a W-2. Anyone who does contract or freelance work knows exactly where I am coming from.
Listen, working from home is a wonderful thing. But if you're going to do contract/freelance work, do you and your financial future a favor and find you an accountant; someone who can help you to structure your finances and keep your taxes in check. The sooner you do that, the better. Oh, and if things get too out of hand, a tax attorney can't hurt either.
Otherwise, you'll be like me—not only be on never-ending IRS payment plans, but wondering if you'll ever see a tax return again. #doubtit
4.Stop Befriending People Who Expect You to Do Most of the Work
Something that I make sure to say, just as often as I can, is don't let people tell you that you shouldn't expect reciprocity in your relationships because you absolutely should. For years, I would hear people say, "Shellie, if you have to keep tabs on what someone is or isn't doing, you aren't giving for the right reasons." Nooooo…the real deal is if I have to keep tabs at all, they aren't doing enough, the giving/receiving ratio is way off and somebody is being taken for granted (umm, me).
I stayed in this pattern for most of my life, really. A lot of codependents were in my space, I'm a survivor of abuse and my self-esteem used to be pretty low, so I thought being loved meant doing whatever someone wanted me to do and tolerating the crumbs that they gave in return. Oh, the drama and heartache that I could've been spared, had I learned what real friendship looks and lives like and I released those who didn't fit the bill.
The users and manipulators that I encountered? It wasn't all their fault. If I had been my own friend, I would've set a better standard for myself. I was nowhere near knowing this in my 20s, but I am on top of this lesson now. 100 percent.
5.Some of the Most Toxic People Are So-Called Church Folks. Find God for Yourself.
Writer Shellie R. Warren
Cody Uhls
Don't think I've missed the irony in the fact that, for as long as I've been abstinent (going on 13 years now), that I've been out of church that long as well. In church, I was a broken mess. Out of church, I am healthier than I've ever been. For the record, I consider myself to be a disciple (John 8:31-32) and since I am one, there's no way I can be "anti-church"; it's just that, I don't support counterfeit, dysfunctional or toxic versions of it. And, for many years, on both Sabbath and Sunday, that was my experience (if you are a church-goer, two great reads areThe Emotionally Healthy Church: A Strategy for Discipleship That Actually Changes Lives andPagan Christianity?: Exploring the Roots of Our Church Practices).
Since I've been out, it's been amazingly refreshing to learn about THE GOD as opposed to a God version that so many religious leaders wanted to push on me, based on their own perspectives, experiences and sometimes, even their ego. With the freedom that I have now, I've actually come to adore Scripture and spirituality on an entirely different level. And for the skeptics who think I've become "woke", the Bible does not teach "a white man's religion". The Bible is an eastern culture book; most of it happened in the Middle East and Egypt. Don't let these…white evangelicals fool you.
Anyway, knowing what I know now, I definitely would've told my 25-year-old self to not let people dictate what one's spiritual journey should look like. If I had come to that conclusion before my early 30s, I'd probably be even further along in my walk now. These days, I don't defend what I'm doing. There's absolutely no need. I simply advise folks to calm down and "watch the fruit" (Matthew 12:33). Oh, and I also remind them of a dope Oswald Chambers quote—"Never try to make your experience a principle for others but allow God to be as creative and original with others as He is with you." Amen? Amen.
6.Recycling’s Good—Except When It Comes to Dudes
Not too long ago, while being interviewed, someone asked me if, at this point in my life, was I afraid that I'd never get married; you know, because of my age. NOPE. One explanation for why I'm not worried, fearful or anxious is found another article I wrote last year—"Let's Settle this 'Black Women Don't Get Married' Thing Once & for All". According to it, I'm in my prime for getting married. Another reason why I'm not stressin' out is because I know me. Although it's different strokes for different folks, I'm not the kind of woman who will announce that I met a man, fell in love and got engaged in six months. No, I need to know, know, know, know, know you. And really getting to know someone? How did Mariah Carey once put it? "Love Takes Time". So, why get stressed out over something that won't happen overnight?
However, I will say that it's one thing to have the desire to know someone. It's another to settle so deep into the folks that you already know that you don't branch out and meet new people. Because a lot of my former sex partners were also friends, in many ways, I felt so comfortable in their space (both physically as well as emotionally) that I kept dealing with them. Over and over again. It was pretty much like I was recycling them. While it meant that I knew what I was getting into, what it also meant was I was remaining in a relational cul-de-sac and, for the most part, not getting anywhere.
25-year-old Shellie, recycling is great for the planet. Not necessarily the best thing for your love life, though. It's OK to get rid of some dudes. And open yourself up to some new possibilities.
7.The Sooner You Draw Boundaries with Your Family the Better
A few months back, I penned a piece entitled "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries with Toxic Family Members". Listen, I don't know if it's residual PTSD from slavery or what but this misguided loyalty to people who abuse us just because they are our blood has got to stop. If anyone should be a safe place, if anyone should be held to a high standard, it should be our kinfolk. When they mistreat us, for the sake of our health, sanity and the future of the generations to follow, boundaries (limits) must be set.
Just a couple of weeks ago, a close friend of mine said to me, "Shellie, you've always been fabulous. But I must say that since you have removed certain family members from your life, you're a lot easier to deal with." I bet. Due to my past abuse—physical, verbal, sexual, psychological, neglect—I found myself on a constant roller coaster of anger and fear. Those types of emotions can make you semi-paranoid and controlling. Now that I see what I needed to remove in order to be my best self and live my best life, why would I incorporate "that" back into my world, simply because it's "family"?
Love and forgiveness are important. So are security and sanity. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't have both. Boundaries will give you both. If I had accepted that when it came to several of my family members two decades ago, this woosah that I have would've been a part of my life way back then.
That's OK. Ain't no way I'm giving it up now. Lesson learned.
8.Your Final Abortion Is Gonna Be One of Your Greatest Regrets
Remember the ex I was talking about earlier? Back in the late fall of 1999, I found out I was pregnant with his child. December 4, 1999, I had my fourth and final abortion. The following year, he had a little girl with someone else. I'm not gonna shift blame or play the victim because he couldn't make me do anything. But I will say that it's always been fascinating to me that the same man who told me he wasn't ready for a baby is the same man who impregnated and married someone else literally 12 months later.
Every time I talk about my final abortion, I tell people that I know—that I know that I know—that I heard God tell me, "You don't want to do this. I promise, you don't want to do this." I did it anyway, thinking that even if consequences came, I had plenty of time to become a mom.
I'm 45 now. I'm still not a mother. I've made peace with that, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't regret that cold winter's day in some random city in Kentucky. Yeah, if I could talk to my 25-year-old self, I'd tell her that 20 years goes by a lot faster than you might think so, don't make choices assuming you have all of the time in the world. You don't. And definitely don't do something simply because a guy wants you to. What you need is bigger than what he wants. Period.
9.Your God-Given Gift Will Never Betray You
I haven't had an office job since 2000. The last time I did was the first and only time that I got fired. I took that as a sign that I needed to stop ignoring my passion for writing and figure out how I could make an actual living from it. At the time, I didn't have a car or a computer, so I bummed rides over to a family friend's home, got on their PC and looked for people who would let me write for them, for free, so that I could build up my resume.
It worked. I started off doing some relationship Q&A, then features and then, in 2002, Denene Millner (an editor for the now-defunct-but-then-was-oh-so-dope Honey magazine) gave me a shot. I wrote a piece about what it was like to get an abortion at a man's request, only for him to turn around and have a baby with someone else a year later (all things work together, y'all). Around that same time, I started having a feature column in another magazine called Relevant. They published my first book in 2004. 15 years ago this month. And, as they say, the rest is history.
If I had more confidence in my voice, my experiences and my writing gift, I wouldn't have jacked off my college years, worked dead-end jobs or probably got into half of the situationships that I did out of sheer inner frustration and boredom. So, yeah…if I could do about 30 years back over again, I would've started doing what I did in 2000 then.
The lesson here—God will make sure our gifts, talents and calling will take care of us. That's a part of the reason why He gave it to us in the first place (some 20-something-year-old needed to hear that).
10.Worry Changes Nothing. Peace Alters Everything.
Writer Shellie R. Warren
Cody Uhls
George Bernard Shaw once said, "People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them." Indeed. Yeah, if church folks want to focus on what's a sin, WORRY IS A SIN. It's in the Bible (Matthew 6). Signs that you're a worrier? You create movies in your head out of things that haven't happened yet. You lean on the side of the negative most of the time. You don't take risks because you believe they won't work out. You make real problems out of hypothetical situations. You stress out for no good reason (there's never a truly good reason, by the way). You're tense, anxious and, oftentimes to the people around you, it's annoying.
I grew up around chronic worriers and so, for a really long time, I had no idea how to appropriately cope with challenges, waiting seasons or bad news. It caused me to make financially poor decisions, to use sex as a coping mechanism and to put myself on random emotional roller coaster rides.
These days, my life is very different. After learning what the Hebrew word for peace (shalom) really means, that's what I strive to have in my life on a daily basis—"completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord".
One of my favorite people died at the top of the year. During the last 12-16 months of her life, we discussed how much stress consumed her and ultimately attacked her health. There are plenty of studies to support that stress is the #1 health problem that Americans have. Nothing is worth sacrificing your well-being for.
So yeah, if I could tell my 25-year-old self anything else, it would be "Baby girl, no matter what or who it is, they ain't worth the stress. If it's not bringing wholeness, health, peace, safety, prosperity, rest and harmony into your life, LET IT GO. Ultimately, it means you no good." Your health, your lack of wrinkles and your sense of sanity will thank you in about 20 more years.
And you know what, y'all? It absolutely does.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
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Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
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This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
8 Semi-Uncomfortable Things That MUST Be Discussed Before Marriage
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It’s a saying that virtually all of us have heard before, and yet, isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to things like marriage, far too many people are reactive instead of proactive? Take premarital counseling, for example. If folks are doing it at all (and not nearly enough are, trust me), they tend to wait until after they have gotten engaged and even set a date.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
A few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
Although I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
You know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
Anyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
When you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
Something else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
In interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
A quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
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There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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