30x30: These Are The Lessons 30 Years Of Living Has Taught Me
I celebrated my 30th birthday recently. I have not perished into a pillar of salt, so I guess you can say I'm doing pretty well. Society puts so much emphasis on turning the big 3-0 that we forget the gift of aging and the fruitfulness of life. It's time to reframe your focus around a milestone birthday and thinking you have to have everything figured out. You do not have to marginalize your success because it happened after 21, 30, 40, or beyond. Your only job is to take stock of all that you have accomplished despite internal battles, naysayers, and physical discomfort.
The fact that you are still standing is proof of your strength and tenacity.
On my journey through womanhood, I am lucky enough to have learned a few invaluable life lessons. I have thirty years of memories, some great, some good, and others are OK. Each memory has stretched and molded me into the person I am today. Below, I share with you my thoughts on turning thirty and things you should consider.
30 Thoughts on Turning 30: Lessons to Live By
- We have the power to manifest the things we want and desire by focusing on specific goals. The more clear and concise you are, the better.
- Write everything down you want to do, even if you are not brave enough to say them out loud.
- You do not have to be loud to be seen by others, but you need to show up and do the work.
- Everything on your mind does not have to be shared or tweeted.
- Being a strong woman is not a badge of honor, and you are allowed to ask for help and accept it. Even Wonder Woman had the Justice League to support her.
- Some of your biggest heartbreaks will not come from romantic relationships but the loss of a friendship. Take the time you need to process what happened and wish them well.
- You are not obligated to stay with anybody who does not see your worth; staying prolongs the inevitable.
- Bad relationships do not dictate the rest of your life. It can, however, showcase a pattern where you are the common denominator.
- Becoming a mother at 21 did not cripple me; it gave me purpose. Whether you had a child before you were ready or not, know there is help for those that ask.
- Creating the life you want to live takes courage to put yourself out there, action to get started, and discipline to follow-through.
- Travel alone at least once in your life. You will make new friends along the way if you are open.
- Parents make mistakes. Forgive them for what they do not know.
- Happy people have green grass - water often.
- Forgiveness is for you, not others.
- Before you can love anyone else, you must love yourself.
- A smile is universal. But you are not obligated to do it.
- Practicing gratitude will help you remember all the good in your life. It will also help you express compassion, build stronger relationships, and improve your mental health.
- Boundaries are a form of self-care.
- No is a complete sentence, period.
- Relinquishing control does not make you weak. Sometimes it can give you the time to focus more on yourself.
- Establish systems to help you excel in life. Part of success is knowing what you are not good at and finding ways around it.
- A good therapist is hard to find. You are allowed to keep looking until you find the right fit.
- Generational curses are no match for the favor you have over your life.
- Women are dynamic. You can twerk, love a mimosa without orange juice, and still handle your business.
- You have to teach people how to treat you. The way you believe you should be treated sets the standard for how others approach you.
- Big girls take accountability for their actions and accept the consequences. When the roles are clear, people are held accountable, and work gets done efficiently and effectively.
- If you have the knees of Meg Thee Stallion, then you are blessed. Do some hot girl shit.
- Think before you speak. Your words hold power.
- It's important to establish a healthy relationship with money. Save money from each paycheck, even if only $20.
- It is always a good idea to celebrate yourself. It does not have to be a special day or your birthday to indulge in the things you like.
Keep glowing, girl.
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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