A few days ago, while talking to a male friend of mine who has been dating someone for a few months now, I asked him if he was excited about Valentine’s Day. What he said is what I’m used to most men saying some variation of — unfortunately: “For what? Even when I was married, I can’t think of one time when a woman did something special or actually bought me something. And no, sex doesn’t count.” And before any of you get triggered by that last part of what he said, there are many people who agree with him, 1000 percent, including myself. Oh, and this married couple. LOL.
@thebandkokui Sex is not a Valentine gift, please #love #valentinesday #valentine #ghanatiktok🇬🇭 #kokuitv
When it comes to commemorating special occasions, I will forever support the fact that sex is not a present. Not because the act isn’t special or intimate; it’s because it’s a mutual thing that two people actually benefit from (if that’s not the case for you, you and your partner have some serious discussing to do) — and so, if women can expect birthday, anniversary, Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts outside of copulation…men should definitely be able to do the same.
So, what if, when it comes to Valentine’s Day this year, what you had in mind was coitus and not much else? The good news is I have 12 to put a smile on your man’s face this year so that he can know that a day that’s supposed to celebrate love is one that has him in mind, too. Ready?
1. Speak His Love Language(s)
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If the news is your thing, you may have seen some relatively new articles stating that the oh-so-very famous five love languages aren’t scientifically based. Gasp! Say it isn’t so. LOL. Being that Dr. Gary Chapman (the creator of the concept) is a counselor and a Christian, I’d venture to say that he wrote it more from a spiritual angle than anything else. And since it’s simply about how people like love to be expressed to them most (words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, or gifts) — I really don’t see why science is so bent out of shape over it…all these years later.
And that’s why I still support the notion that you look into what your man’s top two love languages are and then that you do something special for him this year in those ways. By the way, if you have no clue what his love languages are, please don’t guess…ask him. That way, you don’t go through all of the effort to do one thing when he would’ve preferred something different.
2. Cash App Him Money for Lunch
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I don’t have social media accounts, so I don’t see how apps shift from day to day — oh, but I’m hoping that people are taking their Cash App out of their bios, even as we speak. It really does come off as hella entitled, and that’s…off-putting. However, when it comes to the person you’re seeing, I’m thinking that you probably have their Cash App account details. So, why not treat him to lunch (or a haircut) on Valentine’s Day by sending him a few bucks along with a heart in the memo? I talk to enough men to know that simple gestures like this totally make their day because rarely does it happen to them (if ever).
3. Have Flowers Delivered to His Job
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I don’t know who came up with the idea that floral bouquets are a “woman’s thing” because there are studies to support that men like to receive them just about as much as we do. Not only that, but when flowers come their way, research says that it makes them happier, more appreciative, and more communicative as well. So, why not make your man’s entire day by having some flowers delivered to his job? Although the signature flower of Valentine’s Day is the red rose (which means “I love you”), if you want to be more creative or convey a different type of message, you can check out what different flowers mean here.
4. Make Him a Gift Basket
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The main thing that I like about homemade gift baskets is that you can customize them any way you’d like (including theme). Plus, no matter how big or small they are, the person on the receiving end is always going to find them to be super thoughtful. As far as your man goes, you can make him a gift basket that’s centered around his favorite sport or hobby. You can make him a gift basket that focuses on his favorite foods. You can make him a gift basket that is filled with some of your favorite memories of the relationship. You can make him a basket that is full of sex-themed treats that will get his imagination going. The options really are endless, and that’s what makes gift baskets an awesome idea.
5. Give Him Something with Your Handwriting on It
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Along the lines of what I just said, another special gift that you can give him is something that is personalized. The kind of personalization that I dig these days is the one that features a person’s actual handwriting. One example is a whiskey glass (that I found on Etsy), where you can put a message at the bottom of it. You can check it out here.
6. Write Him a RESPECT Letter
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Sometimes, I’ll watch a series of IG or TikTok posts on men (from women), and I get why the Bible says that husbands should love their wives and wives should RESPECT their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Sometimes, we need a reminder that, not only is respect important in a relationship, many men don’t feel loved well if they aren’t respected. And by respect, I mean how the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 breaks it down: “…you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
That said, even if your bae is not yet your husband, if that’s where things are headed, think about how floored he would be to receive a letter that talks about all of the things that you appreciate, adore, and admire about him. Out of all of the suggestions in this piece, I can’t think of one man who wouldn’t be moved, beyond measure, to receive something so thoughtful (and probably totally unexpected) than a letter that articulates how much he is respected by the woman he cares about.
7. Brag About Him Online
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There are PLENTY of posts out in cyberspace where people are constantly complaining about their partner (le sigh). This Valentine’s Day, go the road less traveled and brag about your man instead. Talk about the reasons why you enjoy him, the things he’s done for you over the past year, and the reason why you think he’s one of the most wonderful people on the entire planet. Even if his primary love language isn’t words of affirmation, it will make him feel great about himself and the relationship. Don’t take my word for it; science says that compliments elevate moods and contribute to our overall health and well-being. Bragging is free. Give it a shot.
8. Send a Hotel Reservation to His Inbox
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Several years back, HuffPost published an article entitled, “You're Right, Hotel Sex IS Better Than Regular Sex. Here's Why.” It mentioned that a part of the reason why hotel sex is so bomb to so many of us is because it’s sensual, the lighting is good, and it feels indulgent (plus, we don’t have to clean up before we leave like we do at home). If sex is on the menu for Valentine’s Day, your man is gonna revel in it wherever you choose to have it.
Still, imagine the look that will be on his face if he sees a hotel reservation pop up either in his email inbox or in a text. Even if the two of you have to wait until the weekend to make it happen (since Valentine’s Day falls on a weekday this year), it’ll give him something special to look forward to — and since anticipation is one helluva aphrodisiac…well. #wink
9. Get Some Lingerie in His Favorite Color
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Speaking of surprises, another nice touch is to pick up some lingerie. This year, though, make sure that it’s in his favorite color. If you’ve ever wondered where color preferences actually come from, I once read that it’s based on the objects that we associate with the color along with how a particular color makes us feel. Yeah, I don’t know many men who would frown at seeing their woman in a sexy lace teddy or a seductive sheer baby doll get-up. And if it’s in his favorite color? It will be hard to not associate you with the color in the future. A pretty smart move, if you ask me, chile.
10. Offer a Head Massage, Facial and Beard Pampering
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Next time you want some inspiration for how to cater to your man, go to TikTok and put “pamper your man, Black man” in the subject heading. Not only are you gonna see some fine bearded wonders over there, but you’ll also get some tips on how to give a proper head massage, or facial and how to pamper a man’s beard. Head massages are dope because they relieve stress. Facials benefit men just like they benefit us when it comes to improving the texture and quality of their skin.
And as far as beards go, there’s research out there that says we women actually prefer men with some (well-manicured) hair on their faces. So, if your man happens to fall into that demo, get him some beard oil from a Black-owned company. Three are Rucker Roots, golden, and Sons of Hollis. Then get to grooming, sis.
11. Prepare Him His Favorite Meal
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Not too long ago, I was talking to someone who said that men don’t care about restaurants like women do; they go because they know that their lady likes the experience. What guys enjoy is the love that is felt through a home-cooked meal. Listen, there are countless social media posts that like to debate this topic, yet honestly, at the end of the day, if what men like is meals that are made from scratch, that is their preference, and everyone has a right to what they prefer. That said, I can’t think of one man who is gonna not thoroughly appreciate a woman who makes the time to prepare his favorite meal from scratch. So, whether this Valentine’s Day is going to be your first or 50th time, consider making him something delicious to eat.
12. Be His Dessert
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Sex is not a proper gift. I stand on that. Still, that doesn’t mean that I don’t cosign on it being a part of Valentine’s Day. Since dessert literally means “the sweet, usually last course of a meal” — present sex in an outside-of-the-box sort of way. Bring in some sex condiments (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”). Try some new sex positions. Intentionally fulfill some of his sexual fantasies. Play some sex-themed games. Have sex in an atypical location.
Bottom line, at the end of whatever else you have planned, offer him up something sweet (you) in an unexpected way. It’ll be the perfect ending to a day of reciprocated romance.
As for Long-Distance Relationships…
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Since reportedly 14 million couples are currently in a long-distance relationship, I wanted to provide a few ideas if you happen to fall into that demographic.
Plan a virtual date. If the two of you can’t be together this year, do the next best thing and plan a virtual date. Although virtual dating is something that was big during the pandemic lockdown, long-distance couples have been partaking in virtual dates for years. Thanks to the power of technology, you and your man can prop up your phones and cook together, watch a movie together, or slow drag (kinda-sorta) to 90s R&B together. Is it as good as being together “for real”? No. Yet is it better than just talking on the phone? Definitely.
Send him a Southwest gift card. Several years back, Glamour published an article entitled, “My Two Long-Distance Relationships Made Me Broke.” Listen, anyone in a long-distance relationship knows that it’s not a cheap situation to be in. So, if the two of you are a plane flight away, take some of the burden off of him buying a ticket by getting him a Valentine’s Day card and putting a Southwest gift card in it. Even fifty bucks will remove some of the stress.
Mail him your favorite perfume. There is a lot of data out here to support that scent is tied to memory. So, if you want to cultivate certain super fond memories of you while you’re away from your guy, send him his favorite scent that you wear. He can spray it on his bedding or a comfy blanket and feel closer to you until the next time the two of you lock eyes (while in the same room).
Sign him up for a lingerie subscription. Wanna build some serious anticipation until the next time the two of you are together? Sign him up for a lingerie subscription. That way, he can pick up pieces that he would like to see you in, free of charge, and hold onto them until the two of you are able to enjoy them — together. Cratejoy has a list of some lingerie subscription services that are worth looking into here.
Have dessert delivered to him. Did you know that there is something called “dessert stomach” that is scientifically based? Long story short, the pleasure that sweets provide can make us desire them even if a meal has already made us full. This is definitely a heads-up to practice moderation in the sweets department, yet who wants to do that on Valentine’s Day? On the holiday, whether it’s at work or his house, hit up a food delivery service, and have his favorite dessert delivered to him. It’s a sweet way (pun intended) to honor the day and a wonderful way to let him know that he’s on your mind.
Happy (Almost) Valentine’s Day — to you and your man, y’all!
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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