OK, girls, so daylight savings time has come, the clocks have rolled back, and we have officially entered *drum roll* cuffing seasonnnn! That's right, ladies, the infamously annual cuffing season. And while some of us are ecstatic, the rest of us are rolling our damn eyes dreading another year of more of the same. But whether we're interested or not, society has synonymously named the next few months as a time for prospective bae applications to officially become wide open—just in time for holidays.
On this week's xoNecole's Happy Hour episode, Amer and Sheriden decided to lay out the blueprint and explore exactly what this means:
What is cuffing season? How do we navigate? What will cuffing season look like in a world of COVID? Is this when you're going to find bae? Should we be out here dating multiple men?
Courtesy of Insecure/HBO
Grab a cocktail and press play as the ladies divulge in helping us all figure out the tough answers to what we all ultimately want to know...is you cuffin' or nah?
Amer and Sheriden are now accepting voice notes! Click here to send them a 1-2 minute question for your chance to receive on-air advice directly from them! Also, be sure to subscribe and listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
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"'Tis The Season: Is You Cuffin' Or Nah?" Show Notes
Intro:
We're in Mercury retrograde, yayyyy. #sarcasm
Understanding the importance of lessons that are masked by challenges. Knowing how to separate your emotions from work. Don't take on other people's feelings, sis!
#HoodieEnergy, get you some.
Tis the season to be boo'd up, yall! We break it all down as we discuss:
- Shooting our shots
- Having dating rosters
- New rules for cuffing amid COVID
Pre-Game:
Twitter's 'How It's Started vs. How It's Going'—we love this because this is a great time to reflect on how far we've come
Our fave YouTube relationships, who are yours?
Men actually categorize women into "Girls You Date" and "Fun Girls"
Happy Hour:
Courtesy of Insecure/HBO
Great news! You can now visit xohappyhour.com to leave us voice notes, which we will begin playing on-air (please limit to 1-2 minutes).
We played our first voice note on-air from this segment from xoHappy Hour listener, Taylor:
Dating and achieving your goals: how do we balance both?
Sheriden's advice: if you have the bandwidth and capacity, then see where it goes! But there's nothing wrong with just having the friendship in the meantime.
Amer's advice: When you ask the universe for something, they are going to send it to you, but before they give it to you, they're going to test you to see if that's what you really want.
As you go along with trying to reach your goals, you're going to attract the right person. If you're on the right path, they're going to find you. If this is your person, he'll still be there at the end of your journey.
We need to reintroduce and normalize men and women JUST being friends. Why has this gone out of style?
Men today believe they are in control in dating. Are they the prize now?
"I'm not the table, I'm the room." -- Amer-Marie Woods
Cuffing season, defined
- Defining what it means to date during cuffing season
- Does holiday season have an affect?
- What do people actually do during this time?
Roster dating, defined
- How it works, who's on the team
- Ground rules
- How it can get tricky
The rules of casual sex, knowing when to have sex, expectations, and more
How has COVID pivoted cuffing season?
- COVID vs. STDs
- End of the world syndrome, what is it?
- We're not sure how it's going to work, but if you're going to be out here, be responsible!
Hobosexuals are real.
Shooting your shot...are we doing this?
Sending nudes and the mixed messages that come along
If you're sliding in the DMs: have something to talk about!
People aren't good at conversations because they don't really know themselves *poetry snaps*
What has cuffing season or casual dating taught you about yourself?
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
Why Men Love Bitches (book)
"Cuffing Season & COVID-19. Whew, Chile." by Shellie Warren
Missed our last episode? Catch up and listen to Episode 3 | Throw It Back Like A Zodiac: Mercury Retrograde, Horoscopes, & Tarot Reading Defined
Feature GIF courtesy of Insecure/HBO
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One day, I might really get into just how actually evil that is (because sex is never supposed to be a bribe in a relationship). For now, though, I want to talk about how motives reveal oh so very much when it comes to physical (and even emotional) intimacy. Hmph. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes on the topic of motives: “People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs, and motives.” An author by the name of Thomas Mann said that, and indeed it does because, when you are doing something merely to get your way, that is a form of manipulation or control.
On the other hand, when you’re doing it merely for the holistic pleasure of doing so — that is when you are experiencing intimacy in the way that it was intended to be.
So, when it comes to your personal motive for sex, what is it really all about?
What Are You Really Hoping to Get Out of Sex?
When It Comes to Your ‘What’, You Always Need to Know Your WHY
GiphyOh, I’ve got some more motives quotes for you. Psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “People have motives and thoughts of which they are unaware.” Author Paul David Trip once said, “We rarely do anything with one single motive.” It’s pretty ironic that actor Chris Noth (because if you know, you know) once said, “Since women ask me about male motives all the time, I can offer a bit of advice. If you feel like you're going to get hurt, then you shouldn't be there in the first place. That's the way I look at relationships.”
Now, before I attempt to build on these quotes, let’s first look at a very basic definition of motive:
Motive: a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious
Did you catch that? Oftentimes, when someone is moving based on a motive, the reason is hidden. Is it just me or does that sound semi-sneaky or opportunistic, right off the bat? Interestingly enough, some synonyms for motive include grounds, basis and root. All of those words make me think of the foundation of something. So, since we are talking about sex, specifically, today — before you decide to sleep with someone, you really should ask yourself what your foundational reason is and, if you’re choosing not to share it with said-partner…why is that?
Pick Your Top 3 Motives, Then Reflect
Let’s keep going. Some other synonyms for motive include aim; emotion; idea; impulse; intent; motivation; passion; rationale; occasion; incentive; consideration, and inspiration. Aight, so here’s another thing to ponder — out of these 12 words, select your top three that “connect the dots” as it relates to your motive (or motives). It could be that you feel passion for him, your intent is to show him that and, since you’ve been dating for a hot minute, you think that it’s the right occasion. In this case, what’s shady or opportunistic about that?
If that is indeed your motive, it would fall less into the “hidden” category and more in the “not obvious” once you really thought it through. On the other hand, if it’s more like you aim to have sex, because your rationale is to get some sort of incentive out of it — do you see how that’s totally different? And if indeed that is the case, WHY do you think that is okay?
Sex Is Not A Transaction — It’s An Exchange
I’m telling you, if there is one thing that I damn near loathe is how transactional sex sounds these days: “Unless you’re going to pay my bills, I’m not going to give you any.” What in the world? Listen, I don’t care how unpopular the opinion may be, sometimes — hell, oftentimes — the truth isn’t popular and the truth about copulation is IT IS AN EVEN EXCHANGE. No one should be paying you for it. He got pleasure, you got pleasure. Over and out. And if that isn’t happening, either there is more communication that needs to be going on (which is just one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of faking orgasms) or there is something “off” when it comes to you and your partner.
Whatever the case may be, before engaging in physical intimacy with someone, it’s beyond wise to spend some time getting really honest with yourself about what your motives truly are — because how we start something oftentimes sets the tone for the experience overall. Indeed, motives are a lot like cause and effect — they play a significantly profound role in determining the outcome of matters.
Real Compatibility Includes Mutual Motives
Sexual Compatibility Includes Having Mutual Motives
GiphyOkay, so now that we’ve discussed motives, in general — say that your motives are pure (and you are being really honest with yourself about that). You’re not hiding anything because there is nothing to hide. You simply feel so connected to someone that you are motivated and inspired to take things to another level.
Well, that’s where author Lebo Grand and something that he once said comes in: “Sensuality is the purest motive that exists on earth.” When something is sensual, it gratifies the senses. When something is sensual, it arouses the appetite — and yes, when you want to be intimate with someone, simply because you want to get closer to them, there is something that is very sweet, very sincere and even pure — in the sense of being authentic and real — about that.
If that is your motive, share that with your partner. If that is also his motive, then it’s time to get into what the mutual motives of what a healthy sexual relationship should be: pleasure, joy and satisfaction. Y’all, something else that messes many couples up is there is so much focus on what they want to get out of sex that they fail to fully tune in and tap into their partner — and that is unfortunate. You know why? Because it has been both my experience as well as my observation that when both people are totally invested in making sure that their partner is sexually satisfied both individuals end up feeling gratified and quenched. Yeah, a selfish motive rarely brings contentment like a selfless one does — and you can take that to the bank!
And that is why, although I think that sexual compatibility is important, you’d be amazed how much clear communication, patience and selflessness can “get you there” if sex seems awkward at first. Again, if the motives are right, goodness can come from it, even if it takes a bit of time and effort to get there.
When Your Sexual Motives Shift, Say Something
If Your Motives Shift, You Need to Speak Up
GiphyFinal point. It is the Greek philosopher Heraclitus who once said, “Change is the only constant in life” and this applies to every aspect of it — including sex. That said, some of you may recall back when I wrote an article entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go.” The wife who I featured in that piece, we were recently talking about it and how she remains 10 toes down about the fact that a “big one” ain’t all it’s cracked up to be if the man who owns it is attached to a huge ego and not much else.
When I asked her to reflect on how much of her dissatisfaction was — and kinda still is — about him vs. who she now is as a person, she admitted that so much of who she is has changed from when they first got together. She’s older and so her hormones have shifted. She has spiritually evolved and so a profound emotional connection is more desired. She knows herself better and so she has some sexual needs that she never had before. And so, her motives have shifted from pretty much just having a good time (only) to longing for something…deeper.
This isn’t abnormal; many people go through this. Thing is, instead of being forthcoming with their partner, they would rather have them pick up on hints or, even worse, attempt to read their mind. Yeah, that’s not how effective communication works, y’all — if your motives for sex have changed, you’ve got to say something. Otherwise, you’re going to end up frustrated or unfulfilled…and honestly, your partner probably will too because if you are different and you don’t share it, eventually there will be a “disconnect” (and not just in the bedroom).
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As I bring this to a close, take a moment to circle back to the first motive quote that I shared in the intro (“People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs and motives.”). Whatever your sex life is like right now, what are your goals, needs and motives? What are his?
Figure that out and you’ll better understand where you’re at and, if you don’t like it, how to get to where you want to be.
It all begins with the right motives, sis. It really and truly does.
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Featured image by Giphy