1. Know the Difference Between Entertainment and Edu-tainment

Since I got my (professional) start covering entertainment, something that I find myself saying often about the entertainment industry is it’s always important to remember that one definition of entertain is “to distract” — which can be a good or a bad thing, if we’re gonna be real about it. It can be good if you need something that will help to de-stress you or make you laugh for a moment; it can be not-so-good if it keeps you from accepting the reality and facts of a matter (including whoever your favorite celebrity may be).

And so yeah, if you’re consuming a lot of online relationship-related content, something that you first need to ask yourself is, “Is this distracting me from what I need to address or is it giving me medicine with some ‘sugar’ in order to receive it better?” That second thing? That is what I would consider to be edu-tainment: education that is mixed with entertainment.

A good example of it? Something that my male friends and I do whenever we go out to eat is flip the tab back and forth. For the record, it wasn’t their idea, it was mine because I like bringing reciprocity into my relationships (just sayin’). When it comes to one friend, in particular, we happen to (eh hem) like The Cheesecake Factory and you know what? There has not been one time when we haven’t gotten up from there without at least a $130 tab. That’s why I don’t get how it was such an “issue” for people to go there on first dates a couple of years back. SMDH.

ANYWAY, when that was the focus of so much relationship-related commentary, I remember a comedian by the name of Malik Bazille posted a skit on his IG page that was classically hilarious (you can watch it here). You know, someone once said that comedians are prophets and that definitely came to mind as I watched it because, although it was super funny, points were made in the process (for one, entitlement and rudeness are not a ministry).

Research says that most people, on average, spend 2.5 hours on social media daily. If you happen to be one of them and relationship-driven content is your thing, be honest: does it make more sense to consume entertainment or edu-tainment? Time is something that you will never get back, so please, choose wisely.

2. It’s Okay to Research Credentials (and Bios)

A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Thinking About Hiring A Life Coach? Read This Before You Do.” A part of my motivation was because I wanted people to understand that there is indeed a difference (actually a few differences) between what a life coach is and does vs. what a therapist is and does. That way, you can know what you actually need. Not only that but you can pick up on red flags when it comes to what people in social media claim to be vs. what they actually are.

For instance, a friend of mine who is also a life coach, and I were discussing a popular person who claims to be a therapist and yet, they have no letters behind their name, no formal training is mentioned in their bio, graduating from a school with that area of expertise isn’t referenced and we could find no proof of them being licensed (which is easily verifiable online and/or by phone).

Chile, you’d be amazed how much this happens, and listen — I was someone who was life coaching married couples for years before I got my own letters (in coaching, you can become an ACC, PCC, or MCC). That’s because it’s only been over the past couple of years that professional training has been required in the field. Therapists, though? Oh, that’s always been the case.

For the record, I’m not saying that only people with professional credentials should provide relationship content. To me, that’s just as ridiculous as saying that only married people should provide relationship advice (and I clearly don’t support that way of thinking — check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”). However, what people profess to be, needs to be verifiable because with certain credentials come certain expectations. Not only that but, something else that my friend and I cackle about are all of these folks out here who are charging for degrees through their programs when they don’t even have one.

Again, if you’re just looking to be entertained, this point is kind of “whatever.” On the flip side, if you take a lot of what you hear with more than just a grain of salt, researching the source is never not a wise decision. Trust me.

3. Yes. Pandering Is Indeed a Thing.

In the relationship space, pandering is a word that is used just about as much as narcissist is. And what both words tend to have in common is the fact that folks use them while having a general idea of what they mean without exactly breaking them all the way down. When it comes to pander, one definition is “to cater to or profit from the weaknesses or vices of others” while another is (wait for it) “to act as a pimp or procurer of clients for (a prostitute).”

You know, when another very popular relationship content guy got busted for posting content that so many women enjoyed listening to, all the while doing the very things that he “held other men accountable” for, both men and women alike said that he was a panderer. Look again at what that means, though. Folks can’t tell you just what you want to hear if you’re strong in the areas that they’re addressing and pimps? Real pimps need money in order to survive and yes, many of those start out coddling women — only to be the ones who end up taking advantage of them in the long run.

My point here? Definitely give big-time side-eye to ANY relationship-content person who only sides with one gender. Even people who have a platform specifically for men or women should be bringing balance to what they are saying. For instance, if a person has an issue with single moms or women with many sex partners, and yet single fathers and men who are highly sexually active are never addressed — that is pandering.

On the flip, if someone is constantly ragging on men for their height or how much money they make and yet never addresses what men find to be attractive in women or calls out ladies who only go on “foodie dates” (you know, dates that are only for the sake of getting a free meal), they are problematic too. Content creators like this want to make people feel like only the opposite sex is the problem, that their audience doesn’t also have some self-reflection and inner work to do — and that is because they know that the more an ego is stroked, the easier it is to keep someone’s attention and even get their coins. Ladies (and gentlemen), pandering in a nutshell.

And speaking of what pandering can do…

4. Don’t Just Listen to What Strokes Your Ego/Coddles Your Pride

“Feeding the monster.” When it comes to stroking egos, content creators who pander are doing something that is pretty damn dangerous: they are feeding the pride of people and that ends up creating egomania…yes, its own “monster” of sorts. When content doesn’t hold you accountable; when content excuses and/or justifies your own poor behavior; when content encourages you to focus more on the external than the internal; when content praises you for being selfish and entitled; when content says that it’s okay to be rude, patronizing or condescending to others — oh, I could go on and on when it comes to this one yet yes, people who are like this are relationally counterproductive, to say the least.

The main point here is if you’re listening to relationship-related content that is damn near programming you to be unbearable to be around…that is the stuff that you need to totally avoid. I could name some platforms — oh, but I digress.

5. Make Sure You’re Clear About What Cognitive Dissonance Is

There is plenty of data out here which says that social media, in general, isn’t necessarily benefitting relationships in the long run. If it’s not triggering jealousy and feelings of uncertainty, it’s creating feelings of anxiety and low self-esteem, plus it significantly compromises couples when it comes to their quality time together. Now, just think if you’re a married person who is listening to a platform that is either anti-marriage or acts like you can just toss a covenant away like it’s an old pair of socks. Listen to that too much and here comes what you may hear people online mention from time to time: cognitive dissonance.

Basically, cognitive dissonance is what transpires whenever you are processing two conflicting stances. For instance, if you profess to believe one thing and your life reflects something very different — at the end of the day…cognitive dissonance. So, when it comes to something like marriage, if you took vows to take your commitment seriously and then you’re online, in the comments, wearing your husband and relationship out — COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

Another example? You claim that you want a serious relationship and yet everything about what you say and do speaks to the contrary — including how you speak of men, hanging around people who devalue men, and shooting down everything that men say that they need and want to be happy in a relationship, in part, because your favorite online folks do the same thing(s). As a result, here you are, in a conflicted resolve state — an emotional cul-de-sac if you will, and it’s getting you absolutely anywhere. Why? Because if there’s one thing that cognitive dissonance is gonna do, it’s stagnate you.

And do you think those content creators care? Sis, they don’t even know you and oftentimes, they are venting about their own drama more than actually giving helpful insights and advice because they are in their own hamster wheel of cognitive dissonance too.

Me? There are some content creators who I click off of as soon as I see them. I’ve heard them before, their message is also on the same stuff and so I already know what they’re about — it’s toxic and contradictory to what I stand on and for. Y’all, sometimes, even if something is entertaining, if it’s going to get you to start shifting who you are as a person and what you profess your standards to be, it needs to be avoided anyway. Blocked even, if necessary. Cognitive dissonance is more chaotic than anything. Straight up.

6. Avoid Letting Complete Strangers Wreck Your (Love) Life

When it comes to the relationship-related content creators who you pay the most attention to, tell me something — do they challenge you to become better, do you feel less stressed and more peaceful listening to them, do folks who are in healthy relationships respect what they have to say (and how they say it)?

I have not really specified platforms, by design, through all of this, yet I will shout out a few people (via their IG profiles) who fit this bill for me: @iamtaylorchandler, @his_daughter_7, @kimberlyevandsreed, @henryandvictoriadoss, @4fitfatherhood, @onedopecouple and @kristline_ _ who I wrote an article on last year: “Viral Sensation Christiana Sabino Is Using 'Pure Black Love' To Build Her Brand.” Trust me, this is just a mere handful and yet, I think that they are a solid example of what it means to be out here trying to make things better not worse and they certainly aren’t just saying whatever folks wanna hear. They actually make me think of a Message Version verse of the Bible that I like a lot: “Your task is to be true, not popular.” (Luke 6:26)

Are they perfect? NO ONE IS PERFECT. Are they trying to do more than just entertain or make a buck? They certainly seem to be and that’s a good thing because, in order to be in a beneficial relationship, you’ve got to say and do things that are beneficial — interesting how that works, huh? Meanwhile, if someone only wants money and/or attention? Well, doing all kinds of ridiculousness can get them that; however, being able to maintain a worthwhile connection with a person of quality and character in the process?

That will be a real struggle for them and we see examples of this being true (almost) daily. And gee — why would you want someone who doesn’t seem to care much about nurturing their own relationship (or relationships with others even outside of a romantic connection) to talk you into sabotaging your own? What kind of sense does that make?

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It seems like there is more relationship-related content out in these streets than there ever has been. As you’re trying to handle it all — think about your relational goals, find the people who complement those results and outcomes, and stay balanced in what you listen to.

Influencers can indeed influence you. The good news is you have the power to determine who does, why and how much. Use that power wisely. Your relationship, in many ways, depends on it.

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