I’ll tell y’all what — when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart, if there’s one word that, if you happened to poll 20 people at a time, they would probably not agree on its definition, it would have to be the word “soulmate.”
As for me personally, because I tend to be pretty word-literal and I know that soul means “the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body” and “the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect” while mate means “to marry or join in marriage” and also “a fellow member or joint occupant of a specified thing” — I tend to see soulmates as individuals who are connected to our spirits in very profound ways so that our quality of life is enhanced on a truly remarkable level. I also believe that not all soulmates are romantic partners.
I must say, though, that another definition I adore is the Jewish one for soulmate; it’s bashert and it means “destiny” — yep “destiny” in the sense of two people who were predestined to be together. Yeah, that might sound like fairy tales and butterflies on the surface yet if you do a deep dive into Jewish culture and where the word is actually coming from, while it does talk about a soul that is cut into a male and female half and then joined back together, it also speaks of the purpose of a marital soulmate being someone who challenges you to become your truest and highest spiritual self.
Gee, does that sound like someone who makes you happy all of the time? Hmph. Sounds more like soulmates are about being in a mature relationship that will get you to grow in a way that no other relationship on this planet can…or will. Sounds to me like being married to your soulmate is where the big kids play.
That’s just two definitions, though, and, as you’re about to see, there are a myriad of others. For me, it was fun to tackle this article because you’re going to hear how 12 different men define “soulmate” for themselves. My hope is that it will encourage you to give some deep(er) thought into how you see the word for yourself — in hopes that it will encourage you to approach your own relationships from an even bigger (and more spirit-filled) perspective.
*Per usual for me, with these types of articles, middle names have been used, so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kayin. 30. Married for 18 Months.
“Now, this is an interesting question that I don’t think I’ve ever been asked before — which is surprising because my wife has seen every rom-com in the world. Do I think that I’m married to my soulmate? In a practical sense, yes, because she is the woman who I intentionally decided to commit the rest of my life to, have children with, and hopefully prepare for heaven with. In the way that a lot of people see the word, I think my first love was my soulmate because I never experienced love on any kind of life-changing level until her. Who breaks you open and reveals yourself to you, that is what a soulmate is to me.”
2. Garren. 36. In a Serious Relationship.
“Asking men what a soulmate is — now ain’t this a trip? I think that guys only fall in love once or twice in their lifetime, and both of those women are their soulmate. In spite of what a lot of women think, men take love seriously; that’s why we don’t do it very often. But if you’re a woman who can get us to go all in with you, you’ve got a piece of us that we mostly keep hidden, and if that doesn’t make you a soulmate, nothin’ does.”
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3. Osher. 42. Engaged.
“I think your soulmate is a decision: you choose who you want to ‘mate’ your soul with. It might not sound romantic, but that’s how I see it. For men, that’s big because we’re not just out here wanting to give our soul to someone else. The soul is huge. But if we decide, on our own, to share our life with someone, for the rest of our life, we take you very seriously. A soulmate, to me, is a wife.”
4. Everson. 25. Single.
“I’ve only had two men in my life even use the word “soulmate.” One is my grandfather, and he said that his first love, not my grandmother, was his soulmate after my grandmother died. The other is this guy I work with. He sends his wife flowers once a week, and she sends his favorite cookies to work often and whenever he’s ordering them or eating her cookies, he says that he can’t wait to get home to see his soulmate. I’ve never asked the men what they mean; I just always assumed that the woman who impacts your life like no one else is your soulmate.”
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5. Warren. 34. Married for Five Years.
“My soulmate isn’t my wife. People can think however they want to about that. My soulmate prepared me for my wife. Before I got married, there’s no way I would’ve even considered jumping a broom, but when I was around 26, I met a woman who wasn’t like anyone I had ever met. She influenced the way I thought about spirituality, Blackness, travel, sex, manhood — she impacted me in every way. For about eight months, she was a big part of my world, and then…she wasn’t. A few months later, I met my wife. ‘She’ came along to get me where I am now. No one will get me to think something different.”
6. Noah. 40. Dating.
“I think a soulmate is someone you don’t have to settle to have. What I mean is, you don’t have to give up your spiritual growth for your sexual needs or your emotional needs for someone who would be a great mother. Too many people I know, who are married, act like they ended up with a fraction of what they wanted and that it had to be that way. Soulmates are a complete package; that’s why they’re so hard to find. I know two men who are with their soulmate, and one has been with her for almost 20 years. They’re the happiest men I know.”
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7. Robert. 40. Single.
“My best [female] friend is my soulmate. I’ve known this for years. She challenges me. She’s who I trust more than anyone else. She helps me to see things through a woman’s lens in a way that I wouldn’t any other way. I can’t tell you how many times folks have asked us why we’re not married. The sexual attraction just isn’t there, and we’re both okay with that. I’ve never thought that you had to marry your soulmate; I just think they are meant to be in your life forever. We’re a package deal, so if I do get married, my wife will have to deal with that. And before you ask, my friend feels the same way about her future husband. We’ll see.”
8. John. 31. Engaged.
“I’ve had two soulmates: one is my fiancée, and the other is a woman who I had a deep sexual relationship with. My fiancée is my soulmate because I’m at a stage in my life when I want to become a higher version of myself, and I think she will help me get there. The other woman…before her, I only saw sex as ‘sex,’ but she made it a more spiritual experience. I felt very vulnerable, and I wouldn’t have seen sex as an intimate act without her. Women who change your life are soulmates.”
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9. Rorke. 28. Dating.
“If I’m gonna be real, my soulmate terrified me — that’s how I know that she was one. She knew me in a way that no other person ever has. She could read by body language, she knew what I was thinking a lot of the time, and she would cut to the chase when it came to a lot of my bulls-it, only she did it in a way that didn’t feel like she was attacking me more like she could see right through me. And the sex? You know that scene in ‘Boomerang’ when Eddie curled up in his bedspread after Robin left? That was me. Men know when they’ve met their match. Sometimes, we’re just not ready for her. My soulmate and I are friends, but only loosely now. She needs to be my wife or nothing else, and I’m just not ready for that.”
10. Wade. 31. Married for Three Years.
“Based on what you said you think a soulmate is, I don’t get how anyone sees something romantic about it. Seems to me that a soulmate is a lot of work — because if you want to do what’s best for your spirit, that kind of work isn’t easy. I asked my wife what she thinks a soulmate is, and she said it’s someone who you trust and desire above all else. I think it’s someone who you want to be a part of every aspect of your life — and you don’t come across that kind of person but once or twice in a lifetime.
"Whoever sees the depth of you, even the ugly parts, and you want them to stay, and they want to be there, through every season, that’s a soulmate. You won’t meet them often.”
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11. Mavuto. 27. Single.
“I don’t believe in soulmates like there is only one person for you in the world — there are too many people out here for that. I think that different soulmates bring you to different portals in life. One soulmate can help you to live ‘this’ kind of life, and another soulmate can help you to live ‘that’ kind of life. Soulmates are all about thinking about the kind of life you want to live and then selecting who can help you make it happen.”
12. Cian. 51. Married for 19 Years.
“There are friend-mates. There are sex-mates. There are purpose-mates. Then there are soulmates. When you’re ready to take your soul seriously, life will bring you someone who will elevate you in a way that makes you unrecognizable to yourself. My wife is that for me. She’s not the other kinds of mates that I mentioned in the sense of the tightest connection I’ve had with another human in those ways. She knows this. I’m not that for her, either. When you get to where your soul matters most to you, that other stuff matters, but it pales in comparison. Living my life with the one who is invested in my soul? She’s invaluable. Wouldn’t trade her for the world.”
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I’m tellin’ y’all — don’t be out here thinking that social media “hot takes” are all that there is when it comes to learning about men (social media? Not even close). When you get a chance, sit down with some of the guys in your world. Ask them what they think a soulmate is. Their answers just might surprise you…challenge you too.
Just like the word “soulmate” is literally designed to do.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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