If you're someone who's read, even a couple of my articles on here, you probably already know that I'm a marriage life coach. What you might not be aware of, though, is I'm one who specializes in reconciling divorces.
And why is that my particular niche? There are a few reasons. One, I am a child who experienced two divorces while growing up. Parents, if you don't think that divorce affects your kids, even well into their adulthood, I encourage you to read this piece in its entirety. Another reason is because, although it's not discussed nearly enough, from a biblical perspective, the Bible has a lot to say on the topic (Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11, for starters). Because marriage is such a profound spiritual union to me, that's another reason why I strive to do all that I can to help couples not divorce or reconcile once they do. Still, another reason is actually found in the title of today's piece. There are countless couples that I've worked with who, were unhappy in their marriage, got divorced and then, whether it was a year or 10 years later, they ended up totally regretting it. In fact, there are studies to support that between 32-50 percent of divorced couples end up wishing that they had made another decision at some point in their lives.
The old folks used to say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. My mother used to say that discernment prevents experience from being your teacher. There's a wise saying that goes something like, "If you've been waiting for a sign, this is it." If you're married and a part of you has been wondering if it's time to throw in the towel, before you do, here are some things that you should strongly consider before signing on the dotted line; some things that many divorced people wish they had thought about more, before they ended their own relationship.
REGRET #1: How Much They Saw Divorce As an Option
One of the reasons why I no longer have the desire to have a boyfriend again is because, I believe, that way too many people date like they are already married. They get together, give their all, break-up and move on to the next person, only to repeat the pattern. Before long, sometimes without even noticing it, they start to process marriage like they do a dating relationship by taking on the mindset of, "Welp. If it doesn't work out, I'll just break up with my spouse like I have with everyone else." To me, marriage way too sacred to take on that casual of an approach. For me, if I promised forever, I want to do my best to mean it (an interesting read from a spiritual perspective is "Until Death Do Us Part — For Real").
That said, we all know that divorce is an option in the sense that it is something that we all can choose to do. But when I've counseled some people who are divorced, one of the regrets that they shared with me is them ending their marriage was an option that they focused on way too much. Before long, not making their marriage work became the goal far more than trying to stay together was; the vows that they said to their partner on their wedding day no longer held very much weight. Why? Basically because, since they knew that they could get out, they were obsessed with doing just that.
I often say that I wonder how many people would get married if divorce was illegal; if dissolving the union actually wasn't an option. Either way, the power of our thoughts is what sets things into motion. If you're always approaching your marriage like you can get out at any time, that could end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy; one that has ramifications that you very well may not be prepared to take on.
(A cool video that addresses this very point is "We Saved Our Marriage - Tips to Saving our Marriage - Divorce is Not an Option").
REGRET #2: How the Divorce Affected Their Children. Including Adult Children.
Something that is truly like fingernails on a chalkboard to me is when I'm talking to someone who is on the verge of ending their marriage, I bring up their kids, and they say something along the lines of, "People divorce all of the time and kids survive." Geeze. I'm hoping that you want your children to do more than just "survive" in this life. Something that's even more fascinating is when they say, "I'm the product of a divorce and I came out OK." Perhaps you did, but there are also plenty of studies to support that a part of the reason why you may have dissolved your union is because your parents divorced when you were a kid. Kind of ironic, isn't it?
I was just having a conversation with someone who recently divorced. He admitted that a part of the reason why his marriage didn't last is because of all of the unresolved PTSD that he had from when his parents broke up. The scars from their divorce resulted in him not trusting people, not knowing how to resolve conflict in a healthy way and never fully letting his guard down with his wife. He's not alone. You can read articles like "10 Common Dating Struggles Children Of Divorce Face", "The Long-Term Impact Of Parental Divorce On Young Adult's Relationships" and "Divorce Hurts Children, Even Grown Ones", and studies like "Effects of Parental Divorce on Marital Commitment and Confidence" to know that the after-effects of a divorce can truly be long-lasting. Which is just one more reason to think long and hard before making the decision to get one.
REGRET #3: The Fact That They Divorced Without Going to Therapy First
As a marriage life coach, this is the one that I can't seem to figure out. Marriage is serious. So is divorce. I don't get why you would get into one without some counseling or get out of one without some therapy. I once read an article that only one-fourth of divorcing couples have ever sought out any type of professional help. I'd venture to say that a part of that is pride, another part is fear and, an even greater part is couples think that their marriage is beyond repair. Again, my focus is on reconciling divorces and there have been divorced couples who have come back together after, as Iyanla Vanzant says, "doing the work". You simply need to be open to finding someone who has the tips, tools and commitment to help you and yours stay together.
One reconciled couple told me that they realize the reason why they had such a hard time in their marriage is because the premarital counseling that they got totally sucked. It was so bad that they went into their marriage extremely ill-prepared. And, because they got a divorce without seeking therapy, they didn't realize that their marriage could be saved. It took three years of us all working together, but they did eventually get married again. They've been together, for the second time, for six years now.
Therapy isn't easy but it can be what saves your marriage. At the very least, give it a shot. That way, you'll know that you have it all that you could. Without therapy, you could always end up wondering what could've been—had you went.
REGRET #4: The Financial Toll That Divorce Has Taken on Them
When it comes to staying married, some folks claim that it's cheaper to keep her—or him. It might sound totally insensitive or even a little crass, but that doesn't mean that there isn't some truth to that. A Forbes article and one on Money Under 30's site both state that an average divorce can cost you as much as $20,000 between hiring attorneys, divvying up property, taking time off from work to handle the details of the divorce, working through tax issues and getting therapy for you and your kids. Not to mention how the stress and strain of dissolving the marriage could cause you to slack on your bills and ultimately affect your credit score.
One client that I was working with for over a year-and-a-half, we had to stop because a divorce that he didn't want had taken such a toll on his income that he simply couldn't afford to pay for his sessions anymore. During our final meeting, he said, "I thought a quickie divorce would save me money. It cost me more than I ever would've imagined."
Staying together just so you won't lose money isn't a good enough reason. But getting out without factoring what it could do to your financial state is something that you should never do. Ignoring the financial toll could end up costing you. BIG TIME.
REGRET #5: How Their Unrealistic Expectations of Marriage Led to Divorce
Whenever a couple tells me that they want to end their marriage and I ask them why, oftentimes they say something along the lines of, "It just wasn't what I expected marriage to be." When I ask them to break down what their expectations were, sometimes they will say something like, "I thought it would be like my grandparents' marriage" or "I thought it would be a fairy tale" or—and this one is super popular—"I didn't think it would be this hard." First up, you and your spouse are not you and your grandparents; they have their journey and you have yours. Plus, I'm willing to bet good money that if you knew all of what went down in their marriage, your eyes would buck open wide a few times. Second, nobody's marriage is a fairy tale. Fairy tales are make-believe. And, on that last point, that's a part of the reason why I think it is so important for a couple who is considering marriage to get into some serious premarital counseling. I'm not talking about after they get engaged either. I mean even before that (so that you're actually listening and not treating your sessions like a mere formality).
If all that you think marriage consists of is "having a non-stop sleepover with your best friend", about three months in, you're gonna be in for a real shock, if not a series of huge disappointments. I personally think that a part of what makes marriage so challenging for a lot of people is, not only are you learning how to share so much of your life with another individual, you're also learning some things about yourself—good, bad and ugly—that you probably wouldn't learn any other way. Sometimes the mirror that marriage holds in front of you makes you want to turn away and leave the relationship altogether.
If you're expecting your marriage to be like someone else's or the reenactment of a scene from your favorite rom-com all of the time, you definitely are a candidate for divorce. Marriage is beautiful. It's also one of the hardest things that you'll ever do. If you're not willing to accept that, avoid the regret of getting divorced by not getting married in the first place. Better to be real about what marriage is than go into it in a state of denial, divorce and end up with regrets.
REGRET #6: The Fact That a Divorce Isn’t Necessarily a “Solution” to Anything
If you are being subjected to abuse—any kind of abuse—that is one thing. But if you're thinking of getting a divorce because you feel like there are problems that only ending your marriage can resolve, I'm going to challenge you a bit on that. One of the reasons why second marriages have a 67 percent divorce rate and third marriages have a whopping 73 percent divorce rate is because a lot of people will get a divorce and then hop into another marriage without taking the time to do some serious self-reflecting. In other words, they will file for divorce from their original partner thinking that their spouse was the problem when the reality is it was probably a whole lot more complex than that.
A female client that I once had told me that she regretted divorcing her husband because she thought that he was simply the wrong fit. But after getting back into the world of dating, she saw that there was some idealism, selfishness and impulsiveness that she had within her own self that she needed to deal with. In hindsight, she wished she had been willing to look at those things while she was still married; perhaps her marriage could've been spared if she had.
I don't know too many divorced people who claim that divorce minimized the problems that they had in their life. Oftentimes what happens is they simply exchange one set of stressful issues for another. This is just one more reason to think long and hard before actually filing for a divorce.
REGRET #7: The Way They Underestimated Life After Divorce
Divorce is certainly no laughing matter, but one of my friends did have me cracking up when, after going out on a few dates following his divorce, he asked me, "What the hell is super gonorrhea? Y'all got some new STDs out here since I was single?" Yes sir. Yes we do. My friend is off the chain, so I'm hoping that he didn't find out that little not-so-fun-fact the hard way. But what he said is a great way to wrap all of this up.
I've had divorced people tell me that they regret ending their marriage because they don't like the dating scene, sex seems way too complicated now, making connections is difficult—the list goes on and on. I've even had some folks admit that the freedom that they thought would come with being unmarried doesn't compare to the security that they totally underestimated within their marital dynamic.
To be fair, I'm not saying that every divorced person that I've encountered hates that they ended their union. Some have left and never looked back. But I do think that those stories are told way more than those who do wish that they had taken a different approach to their marriage. It should also go on record that some people look back and wish that they weren't so quick to get out—that they had tried a little harder to make things work.
Again, marriage is serious—and divorce is serious. Neither should be entered into lightly. In a world where it seems like people change their spouses like they change their clothes, just try and be sober-minded and as knowledgeable as possible before getting into or out of a marriage. Life is short. It's best to have as few regrets as possible. Amen? Amen.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?
Feature image by Shutterstock
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023