Chrisette Michele Says She Got Married Before She Was Ready Because It Seemed Like The 'Adult' Thing To Do
Somebody lied when they said turning 18 makes you an adult because I am deadass trying to figure this whole thing out at 26. Starting a career, having your own place, and getting married all seem like essential tasks on the "How To Be An Adult" checklist, and two out of three ain't bad.
While bridesmaids and flowers and all of the wedding things are wildly enticing to me, I can't make a conscious decision to settle for a man that isn't right for me just to say I settled down and, after years of being in a marriage that she felt was no longer fruitful, Chrisette Michele feels the same way. In an intimate letter on her blog, Chrisette Michele's World, the singer opened up about how she got married for all the wrong reasons.
After "Aston Martin Music" hit the airwaves, the Grammy-award winning entertainer was, in her own words, a "very successful kid" with the dating world at her fingertips when she reconciled with her ex at the time, Doug Ellison, who she initially met in music school. The singer says that although sparks immediately flew between she and Doug, she later discovered that she was way too "childish" for this magnitude of commitment, but didn't realize this until walking down the aisle:
"I walked down the aisle to 'Love You Like A Love Song', a techno club record TOTALLY meant for high heeled, couch dancing at LIV in Miami (or maybe Lavo in Vegas). Childish."
Throughout their marriage, Chrisette and her husband endured a number of devastating moments together, including but not limited to a miscarriage and her Trump-related media debacle but now, looking back, the 36-year-old singer says that she only got married to prove the validity of her adulthood. According to Chrisette, their ideas of settling down were much different:
"I'm divorced now. I think I got married to try adulting on for size. Didn't fit. My ex had latched onto the idea that adulting was a 'thing', and I'd never gotten the memo. Sure I brought home fairly large slabs of bacon, made up the bed and opened a few businesses but… it wasn't until after we divorced that I realized he had the intentions of living in the same city, raising small opinionated beasts who would grow IN MY STOMACH, and eating at the same restaurant every Sunday. Apparently this soul quelling idea is called … 'settling down'. Eeek… I just threw up in my mouth a little."
Although Chrisette has found some peace after separating from her ex-husband, she still can't help but feel the pressures of becoming a "wife" lurking around her every day. She explained:
"One of my girlfriends text me. She said, 'I'm still hoping for magic for you.' She was talking about love. I wanted to say, 'Is it ok for a woman not to be thinking about marriage for the same amount of time as any given man?'. I wanted to ask, 'Is it enough for me to love traveling, meeting new people and long lavish walks thru Whole Foods?'. Am I 'not grown-up', if I'm not constantly wondering about love and a home for two?"
Although Chrisette still believes in the idea of love and finding "the one", first, she wants to take the time to become whole on her own.
"This is MY human experience. I'm patient enough to watch my life unfold, trust God to forgive, reveal and restore and move forward. I fall. I get embarrassed. I stay at moms, eat good, then take my vitamins and get back out there. Am I 'on the market'? You can't buy me. Am I 'single'? I'm complete. Loving me is complicated, mostly because I'm content."
To read the full post, click here!
Featured image by s_bukley / Shutterstock.com
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images