
One of the happiest moments in a woman's life is the day she blessed the world with a kiss of life and gives birth to a baby girl or boy. Unfortunately, this is also the day that she can kiss her sex life as she knew it, goodbye. Motherhood is by far the most transformative change in a woman's life. Along with a newfound body and perspective on life, you adopt a gang of next-level insecurities that have the potential to rob both you and your sex life of all of the orgasms that you so rightfully deserve.
Nikki and Simona, founders of the DMV-based Black motherhood organization, District Motherhued, enlisted the help of sexpert, Jasmine Harris, for the second annual Momference to help moms understand that sex after the delivery room doesn't have to suck.
Jasmine recently slid through for an interview and gave xoNecole the secret to having amazing sex after becoming a mom, and according to her, it all starts with being intentional about self-care. "I realized that it was much harder to enjoy sex with all the responsibilities that we have throughout the day and that made me do some research on how we can enjoy sex and not worry about all the things we have to do tomorrow and be in the moment. That was important to me," she explained.
As a mother of four with a little one on the way, Jasmine expressed that she knows the postpartum sex struggle first hand. She told xoNecole, "Self-care is important and when you've just had a child. You're not fitting into your clothes and you're just not looking like yourself or feeling like yourself. And after your husband has watched you push a human out of your body, you're just like, 'You want to put your face down there?'"

Over time and with the help of a whole lot of research, Jasmine learned that the problem with her sex life wasn't her postpartum body, but instead was simply an internal conflict that was manifesting externally. Once she made the decision to step up her self-care game, she immediately saw a change in her bedroom.
When you feel good you look good, and vice versa. Jasmine adopted this mentality after giving birth to her youngest child and at this point, she knew it was time to actively make some changes in her life. The sex and relationship expert explained that unlearning negative self-talk can be a challenge, but as we all know, there's no obstacle that's too difficult for a mother on a mission. Jasmine says the next time you want to complain about the new (and often unwanted) lifestyle changes that come with motherhood, choose to rewrite the narrative.
Along with these tips, Jasmine also let us in on a few sex tips that are perfect for new moms and women in general who are looking to get their sexy back after going through a drought:
Slow Down, Mama

So much of our lives are dictated by deadlines and due dates. One of the few things in life that can never be put on a timer is revving up your babymaker after giving birth. Jasmine agreed with this advice and suggested that women take as much time as they need to get back in the saddle, "Take all the time that you need to find yourself again, to find your confidence."
Your man may be staring at you like a freshly baked piece of apple pie on a Sunday afternoon, but just because he's hungry doesn't mean you're automatically obligated to satiate his appetite. Jasmine advised that you take it slow, but also let your partner know what's up so that he doesn't feel isolated or shut out. She advised, "Make sure that you are communicating this with your partner because this can create a lot of resentment [if left] unspoken."
Treat Yo’ Self
After giving birth, you may not feel like it, but sis, you look like bae.
According to Jasmine, "Mommy" is one of the sexiest things you can be in your life, and it's imperative that you remind yourself of that every damn day in order to keep both your sex life and your sanity running on all four wheels, "[Do] whatever makes you feel beautiful. I noticed that when I do take time to get dressed every day to fix my hair, get my nails done, stay up on my feet and stay up on either waxing or trimming. If I'm feeling beautiful for myself, that helps me feel sexier in the bedroom."
Whether that means getting your hair or makeup done or purchasing a brand new freak'um dress, you're doing you and your partner a favor by standing in your own sexy. Jasmine explained, "And I know we say we don't have time, but we have to make time. Make it. Tell whoever has been or whoever will help you, you need to take this child. I'll be back in a few hours because I will feel better and I will function better if I like what I see."
"If I'm feeling beautiful for myself, that helps me feel sexier in the bedroom. And I know we say we don't have time, but we have to make time. Make it."
Try Using Vitamins & Supplements
From time to time, we all need a little boost, and according to Jasmine, this is also true when it comes to certain bedroom activities. After giving birth, your hormones are all topsy-turvy and you feel like you've been given a brand new body from the day they wheel you out of the maternity ward.
Jasmine has a solution to those baby blues that is guaranteed to jumpstart your vagina and offer you the ride of a lifetime. She explained, "There are supplements and vitamins that can assist you in getting your mood back and it assists you and helping your muscles come back like, tighten back up, and they're natural supplements. It helps you gain the moisture back [down] there."
Jasmine recommended IsoSensuals Tight Vaginal Tightening Pills, which are currently available on Amazon; but there are a number of other options that will help get your juices flowing in all the right places.
For Him, Too
Moms carry an insurmountable amount of responsibility and stress when they welcome a new baby into the world, but new dads have it pretty hard too. In the same way that women need time to readjust after having a new baby, men go through their fair share of anxiety as well.
Jasmine explained that it's important to keep this in mind and offer a little help when you see it's needed, "It's important to have open communication with your man. So if you feel like you would want him to have more stamina, [it's] because they are also under a lot of stress and pressure and overwhelmed and that kind of kills their stamina and their energy. Then, we think that it's us and they're afraid to say I'm tired or something's not working right."
As previously stated, there are a number of vitamins and supplements that will help you say goodbye to postpartum anxiety and hello to back-to-back orgasms. The good news is, when you're picking up some of these handy dandy vitamins, you can snag a bottle for your man, too. Jasmine shared, "Both of us, both men and women, we need assistance. Especially when we have so much on in life."
Meditation & Deep Breathing

It's 2019, and by now, everyone should be fully aware of the magical power of deep breathing and meditation. Not only does it lower your stress levels, but according to Jasmine, it can help you achieve stronger orgasms.
Thanks to her practice of mindfulness and meditation, the sex expert says that even though she's reached a peak when it comes to her weight, she doesn't feel any less sexy. "Do some meditating. Learn your body. I'm at my heaviest, but it doesn't bother me. I feel very sexy because I've learned my body after a while and I get turned on by myself. And so when you are turned on by yourself, your partner will not be able to resist you."
A man can't please you unless you know how to please yourself, and after having her last child, Jasmine says that she took time to do exactly that. Luckily, her investment was paid off with interest. "When you are able to master deep breathing and inner peace, you'll be able to focus on every little movement during sex and it will be the most amazing mind-blowing experience each and every time you have sex. It is possible to have an orgasm each and every time."
"Learn your body. I'm at my heaviest, but it doesn't bother me. I feel very sexy because I've learned my body after a while and I get turned on by myself. And so when you are turned on by yourself, your partner will not be able to resist you."
Invest In A Sex Chair
No, we don't mean a chair that you often like to have sex in. A sex chair is an actual thing that will blow your mind and snatch your coins right out of your purse.
Jasmine explained that this functional toy is one of the best investments you'll make in your sex life and is ideal for postpartum moms who may be self-conscious during sex. "[They] are just perfectly made for you to just climb on there and let your man go to work. And again, you're enjoying it, but your body is looking perfect because these chairs are designed to make you look sexy and just position you perfectly."
Forget about making that arch in your back picture-perfect and level up your sex game with this erotic piece of furniture ASAP.
Date Night Is Non-Negotiable

Mama, I know you love your babies. But there comes a time when you must reclaim your tit and remember that it's more than just a milk bag for your little one, and the best way to do that is by planning an intimate date night between you and your partner. Jasmine explained that having four kids is no walk in the park, but she and her man keep their relationship spicy by making date nights mandatory.
"First, you have to remember that before the children got there, it was you two," she explained. "And a lot of people get that misconstrued. They think that that means put your partner first, and in a way it does. But you have to say, 'OK, you guys are kids. We are the adults. We're gonna give you the balance of attention and love and discipline that you need throughout the day. But by this time, y'all going to sleep. And y'all are going to calm down.'"
Making romance and self-care a priority as a mother can never be a bad idea because when you're happy, that energy radiates. This is also true when you're grumpy and in need of some grade-A vitamin D. That's why Jasmine says that along with date night, enforcing bedtimes is a standard in her household that keeps her relationship and her sex life in check. "You have to make it a thing where they know that it is no longer time to interrupt mommy or daddy. Even if you guys just want to watch a movie, they need to know that it's time to respect mommy and daddy's quiet time and it is their bedtime."
Keep up with Jasmine and see all of the coverage from this year's Momference on Instagram!
Keep up with Jasmine and see all of the coverage from this year's Momference on Instagram!
Featured image by Instagram/@mileeju.
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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It’s probably been over the past 2-3 years that I’ve become hyper-focused when it comes to applying certain chemical exfoliants known as acids to my skin. Personally, I’ve come to really appreciate ones like mandelic acid and hyaluronic acid because they have a way of softening my skin, brightening it up and really evening out my complexion overall.
In fact, on my skin, they have been so effective that they have caused me to wonder what would happen if I applied some of them to my hair too — and boy, was it an experiment that paid off big time!
If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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