I think it's fair to say 2020 is not what anyone envisioned. This year has been a whirlwind full of COVID-19 cases, protests, millions without employment, an intense election, and much more. 2020 has worn us out, honey! I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired. But, as we close the chapter of 2020, it's only right we do some reflection. This time of year is perfect for discovering what we need to work on, what lessons we've learned, and how we can do better moving forward.
I love using journaling prompts this time of year for reflection. Through these reflection prompts, I have been able to be grateful for the challenges I have overcome, and look forward to the lessons ahead. If you are in search of a path to move forward in the year ahead but don't know where to begin, here are some key questions to ask yourself before the new year.
What is one thing you could have done, but were too afraid too?
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It's incredible how many people never achieve their dreams because of fear. Some of us are lowkey having anxiety over what people will think or say. Psyching ourselves out because we don't want to be seen doing "too much". We can even be afraid of failing and making a fool of ourselves too. Nothing positive can come from staying in your comfort zone because of fear. The only thing that can manifest from fear is being stuck in a situation you don't want to be in.
I was stuck at a dead-end serving job for years because I was too afraid to quit my job and become a freelancer in digital media. I was so concerned with how people would see me as irresponsible for quitting my job and going for my dream. Eventually, the misery of working at a job I had no passion for took over, so I quit.
Fear is mental more than anything else. Once you get past the mental aspect of fear, there is not much that can stop you. If there is anything you always wanted to do, but didn't out of fear, make it your goal for next year. Achieving the things that scare you the most will give you the confidence to challenge your goals. As cliche as this may sound, you never know what can happen if you don't try. Life is too short to be living in fear.
At what point this year could you have been gentle with yourself?
I am my biggest critic. I believe my critiques of myself comes from being a perfectionist and wanting to be the best at what I do. The negative side to this trait is sometimes I can stress myself out. I have learned through trial and error; that my best is enough and perfection is an illusion.
We need to be better at checking in with ourselves and being mindful of our needs. What's the point of filling our cup if we are the ones also draining it?
Reflect on times you were in a stressful state; how did you talk to yourself? Change up that inner dialogue. Were there times when you overworked yourself? Take more breaks. Did you do anything to celebrate yourself or your wins? Treat yo' self! Being gentle with ourselves is keeping our cup inflow.
What can you thank yourself for this year?
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First off, let's all thank ourselves for making it through 2020. We all deserve a T-shirt that says: "I survived 2020." Seriously though, thanking ourselves may seem like an odd thing to do at first. We are so used to people thanking us or validating us for our efforts, but we can also do this for ourselves. We don't need to wait for anyone to acknowledge our efforts.
I'm a huge fan of thanking myself because they're milestones in my life people don't see. This year, I focused on myself and healing inner child wounds. I invested in therapy, meditation, and journaling. All of these tasks were done privately. For me, this was a huge step towards connecting with my higher self. I worked on my inner child wounds for me, so it's only right that I thank myself. Thanking yourself can feel a bit egotistical at first, but there's science behind the madness. We thank ourselves to recognize the value we've provided for ourselves. By thanking ourselves; we are subconsciously encouraging ourselves to keep going and not relying on anyone for validation.
Who in your life deserves a big thank you?
There were times during this year I didn't think I was going to make it. Times when I thought it was all "too much" for me to keep going. Having a strong circle of friends and family to help me see the light when I couldn't have been a lifesaver.
I truly believe in showing gratitude to those who have been there for you. Letting your loved ones know you recognize their efforts will strengthen your relationships.
People need to feel like they are appreciated. If not, the relationship will eventually start to deteriorate. Let your loved ones know you appreciated them during those times.
What do you want to be a student of in 2021?
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In life, the only way you can continue to grow is if you never stop learning. Being a student of life keeps you fascinated when things aren't going right. Instead of being frustrated when life isn't going according to plan (aka 2020), you can view situations from a productive mindset. Asking yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this situation?" or "How is this making me better?" can be helpful tools when navigating through a difficult season.
Before the pandemic, I was a DJ. Live events and large crowds are the heart of the industry, two things COVID-19 rightfully banned. I was no longer able to do my job, so it was back to the drawing board. Instead of dwelling on being unemployed, I decided to stay curious and see where life was taking me. Now here I am with the best writing job ever, working from my living room, and helping you glow up.
Being a student of life is the best gift you can give to yourself. Flowing with life's obstacles can lead you to some of life's greatest treasures. Observe, remain curious, and stay hungry for more. In the words of Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get."
I hope you all have a new year full of blessings, happiness, and growth.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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