Throughout the years, a good amount of single people have hit me up to talk about the double-edged sword that comes with dating. While on one hand, they know that it's an effective way to meet new people (or get to know someone better), when there's not an initial connection or the date itself is wack, and this happens more than three times in a row, "weary" doesn't even begin to express how it makes them feel.
I thought about this when I read an article about some of the things that folks hate the most about dating. One person said they hate it when first dates happen at the other person's house. Another said what they hate are "two-night stands"—you know, when the first two dates are fabulous, you think something real is transpiring, only to find out that he wasn't all that you thought he was—after he gets some. Someone else mentioned what they hated about dating was all of the stages we oftentimes seem to have to go through in order to finally be in an "official" relationship.
Whew chile. It's been a hot minute since I've been on a date (by choice), but man, reading all of that definitely takes me back. The uncreative dates. The time invested. The disappointments. It all can tempt you to just call it a day and Netflix and Chill by your own damn self. But before you take such drastic measures, come sit on my cyberspace couch and let's look a little deeper into what's really going on. Sometimes, when the right questions are asked, it can lead you to the answers that you need to have a better and brighter perspective on things.
Dating doesn't have to be a low-key cuss word in your mind. It's all about figuring out what you want and how to use it to your best advantage.
Perhaps scratching beneath the surface of your utter disdain will help.
What About Dating Do You Dislike?
I already shared some of the reasons why people hate dating according to the internet, but you are your own person. Can you relate to the reasons that I just shared, or do your reasons go beyond them? Maybe your dates have always been set ups that have gone totally wrong. Maybe you're an introvert or an ambivert and, for that reason, dating has always been a little awkward or even difficult. Maybe you only go on dates because society (or maybe even your mama or auntie) has made you think that, as a single woman, it's something that you're "supposed to do".
Have you ever been around a toddler who is hungry, but they don't know what they want to eat? And, since they don't know, that only further irritates them? A lot of us grown folks are a lot like that. We might know that we're unhappy about something, but until we make the time to discover why that is the case, it's going to stay that way.
So, if you do indeed hate dating, pull out a sheet of paper and jot down exactly why. Then share your thoughts with a married couple, a guy friend and a girlfriend. Be open to their insights and perspectives about what you just shared. Sometimes, just knowing the root cause of your feelings—and then gaining some wisdom from folks who care about you—can totally alter how (and why) you date, moving forward.
Have You Actually Had a Great Date Before?
Let's be honest. One of the reasons why a lot of us hate dating is because we've never been on a great date before. Sometimes it's too predictable like dinner and a movie. Other times, the guy exhibits all sorts of no-no dating behaviors like staying on his phone or flirting with the server. Maybe the attraction is there, but the communication totally sucks. Y'all know I could go on and on…and on and on about this.
A great date that I had with someone came as the result of talking to him about what I considered a great date to be ahead of time. I didn't want to plan it. I didn't want to be on the clock. I wanted to try something I had never done before. He came up with a day date that consisted of doing fun things in the day (casual wear) and then going to a really nice restaurant at night (dressing up). And yes, he got me to do something that, not only had I never done before, but I never thought I would do. It was perfect.
The reason why I just shared that little tale is while it's nice when a guy is super-intuitive, it's not fair to expect him to be a mind-reader (especially if it's the first or second date). Therefore, sharing what your idea of a great date is isn't a bad thing. From what my male friends have told me, hearing a few suggestions can actually prove to be quite beneficial.
How do you do that? Well, when he asks you out and you say "yes", it's OK to ask him what he is thinking about doing. If in your mind, you're already thinking "yuck", don't say that out of your mouth; however, do offer up some other options to consider. Ask him if he'd be open to any of those. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "You have not because you ask not." (James 4:2) When it comes to dating, this tends to very much so apply.
Do You Need to Do Some “Bad Date Detoxing”?
Something that I absolutely adore when it comes to a lot of fathers that I know is they make it a point and purpose to "date their daughters"; it's a standing appointment, every month, to do something special, just the two of them. If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, the reason why we don't "get" dating now is because our fathers didn't do the same thing for us.
That's unfortunate, but there's no time like the present to do what I call "bad date detoxing". Take a month or two to not formally go out on dates. Then, during that time, ask some of your single male friends if they would be willing to go out on a few dates with you. The objective here is not to "date" them so much as for them to help you to set a standard of what you desire and expect.
I know that this works because, after venting to some of my own single male friends about some of the foolishness that I've been through, they were like, "Girl, let me show you how a real man does it." Many times, what they came up with really did open my eyes to two things. One, that some men really do know what a proper date is like and two, that when a guy is truly invested in you, he will put in the time, effort and energy to "date you right" (meaning, date you the way you want to be dated).
Again, going on dates with your friends may seem trivial or maybe even counterproductive since what you may ultimately desire is a romantic connection. But being able to let someone who you know loves you cater to you in this way can restore your faith in men and detox you any of the resentment that you've had about dating all of this time.
Do You Have Dating Standards—and Do You Honor Them?
Dating shouldn't be a free for all. Unfortunately, a lot of us date that way, though. What I mean by that is, if a friend calls us up and tells us they have someone that they want us to meet or if we swipe right on a dating app because someone is cute and doesn't have too many typos in their correspondence, we might say to ourselves, "Why not? It can't hurt." Eh. Maybe, maybe not. But if you want to go on dates for more reasons than to have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, it's OK to have a few requirements.
If you're wondering if yours are too high, personally, I don't think there is any such thing. What I will say is, based on what your personal ones may be, it could require more patience to see them manifest. What I will also say is there's sometimes a not-so-fine line between having high standards and being totally unrealistic. If you're wondering what side of the fence you are on, click here to take a quiz and see. (It's not a serious or scientific one, but it could provide a few ah-ha moments for you.)
What Do You Personally Think Dating Is For?
Another reason why some people hate dating is because they haven't really asked themselves why they are doing it. Semi-recently, we posted a video on our IG from a woman by the name of Chance Cessna who said, "Don't just date someone who is going to accommodate today. Date someone who is going to fit your future." If what you ultimately desire is for dating to transition over into courting (because they are not one in the same), I totally agree with her. But, contrary to popular belief, I know for a fact that some women don't date in the hopes of getting into a serious relationship or finding a husband. Some people simply want to enjoy the company of members of the opposite sex. Some have no problem with casual dating.
Whatever your personal reason for dating is, you're going to get frustrated if, three dates in with someone, you find out you and he are on two totally different pages, and that it got that far because you weren't even sure what you wanted from the jump. So yeah, another way to work through dating frustrations is to figure out, for yourself, what you're dating for. If you treat it like nothing more than "something to do", your energy will probably attract people who are just as nonchalant and dismissive about it. Just something to think about.
Now that we've explored how to adjust your mindset concerning dating, let's look into what steps you should put into place.
Create a Dating Dream Board. Then Don’t Settle.
Pretty much all of us have heard of vision boards at this point. If you've never made one before because a part of you is skeptical about how truly effective they are, consider checking out articles on our site like "A Vision Board Helped 'Glow' Actress Sydelle Noel Manifest Her Best Life". There are so many people who can personally vouch for the fact that creating a vision board can help you to focus on what you really desire, provide you with a daily visual reminder of those things, and also keep you in a positive state of mind while you ask them to manifest.
Keeping all of this in mind, why not create a vision board that is totally centered around the kind of dating life you'd like to have? The type of dates you'd like to go on, the kind of man you'd like to enjoy those dates with and what you'd ultimately like those dates to lead to. A great thing about making your own dating dream board—and then posting it up in a place where you can always see it—is not only will it remind you of what you want, it will also prevent you from settling in the meantime. Black and Married with Kids has a great read on this very topic. Check out "Single Ladies: How To Manifest the Man of Your Dreams With a 2019 Vision Board" when you get a chance.
Be Open-Minded.
You might've heard the quote by artist Frank Zappa that says, "A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open." While you shouldn't be so open-minded that your brain falls out (standards, boundaries and principles exist for a reason and purpose), I will say that if all you keep saying to yourself—and anyone else who will listen—is that you hate dating, well…one definition of hate is "unwilling". You know what that means, right? You are basically putting out into the atmosphere that you are unwilling to date. No wonder your dating life is the way that it is. You've literally been standing in your own way!
So, how do you approach being more open-minded as it relates to the dating scene? If you've never let a friend fix you up, try it. If online dating scares you, what I will say is this—reportedly, 40 percent of Americans use online dating as a way to meet new people and 20 percent of folks who are currently in committed relationships met online, so why not at least consider giving it a shot? Why not do something that is a little bit out of your comfort zone?
Take the Pressure Off.
The two main rules in dating (for a woman) are to not settle and to require chivalry at all times. Everything else? Feel free to do some "editing" as you go along. What I mean by that is if you want to ask a guy out, do it. If you want to try going out with someone who isn't your traditional type, no one said you had to marry the guy—try it.
Another reason why a lot of people hate dating is because they are so tied to what they think dating should look like or they're so focused on how someone else's love story went that they end up putting more pressure onto themselves than they actually should.
If you want to break from feeling some type of way (that ain't good) about dating, stop overthinking, relax a little and embrace new ways to approach it; starting with your mindset. In time, you might be surprised how your hate—again, meaning your unwillingness—transitions into a more positive outlook—on dating and dating prospects overall. Keep us posted, please.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is What You Can Get Out Of A BAD Date
7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
Are You Guilty Of Making These Dating Mistakes?
Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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