Halle Bailey Recently Spoke About Her Postpartum Depression — And I’m So Glad She Did
If you’re one to track celebrity news — which, let’s be real, is oftentimes nothing more than gossip — you’ve probably noticed that actor and singer Halle Bailey’s name has been coming up quite a bit as of late. Last week, she announced a mini solo residency (her first) that sold out in a matter of minutes, and since she and artist DDG (the father of her firstborn son, Halo) have broken up, it’s like folks are publishing minute-by-minute updates on what co-parenting is like for the both of them (and between them).
However, what caught and held my attention was her sharing the fact that she has been going through postpartum depression in the midst of…it all.
As Halle went on to explain her extreme anxiety when it came to being apart from her baby for more than 30 minutes, looking in the mirror and not really recognizing herself, and feeling triggered (in ways she probably wouldn’t be otherwise) — as a doula (which is basically a birthing assistant) who has had a front seat to clients who’ve battled with postpartum depression as well (and also as someone who knows that somewhere around 1 in 8 women deal with it on some level), I thought that now would be as good of a time as any to address some things about postpartum depression head on.
One, so that it can be taken more seriously than it oftentimes is. Two, so that you can know what to potentially look out for if you’re pregnant or someone you care about is. And, last but not least, if you have recently been diagnosed with postpartum depression, you can know that there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about — and that you are certainly not alone.
Postpartum Depression. Revisited.
Getty Images
First up, I’m not even gonna begin to act like I can cover something as…vast as postpartum depression in one article. However, I am going to try to provide a bit of fact-based intel, just so you can separate myths, rumors, and the attitude of dismissiveness from what this type of depression is actually all about.
Postpartum depression (which is sometimes also referred to as perinatal depression and is also known as PPD) is the type of depression that occurs either during a woman’s pregnancy or shortly after she gives birth. Although the Greek philosopher and physician Hippocrates spotted emotional challenges that new moms would experience all the way back in his day (which was a LONG time ago), it actually wasn’t until — check it — 1994 (just 30 years ago — SMDH) that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders formally listed postpartum depression “medically defined concept.”
Since then, even more studies have been trying to get to the root of postpartum depression. For instance, a UCLA team came to the conclusion about a decade ago that pregnancy alters the brain on many different levels. It does this by (for example) causing neurosteroid chemicals to skyrocket during pregnancy and then plummet after giving birth, which can cause the brain to go through extremes in order to resume some sort of balance.
In 2019, in response to this, the FDA approved Zulresso (brexanolone). New moms 15 and over can take it, although it absolutely must be under the supervision of a medical professional due to some of its potential side effects.
It also should go on record that there are three different types of postpartum depression — there’s the “baby blues” that easily at least half (some reports say as much as 75 percent) of new moms go through which is pretty (self-) manageable; there’s postpartum depression that comes with more severe symptoms (more on that in a sec), and then there’s postpartum psychosis which is the most extreme kind of PPD. Around 1 in 1,000 women are diagnosed with it, and it can include paranoia, hallucinations, and mania.
Okay, so how can you know if what you are experiencing is “baby blues” or something more serious? That is an excellent question.
5 Early Signs of Postpartum Depression
Getty Images
Although some of my clients are individuals who I didn’t know prior to their pregnancy, some people have been friends. One friend, in particular, I had known for about 20 years at the time that I helped her give birth to her first child ,and so I knew her personality very well. That’s why, when I noticed some of the signs that I’m about to share, I alerted her midwife ASAP.
Initially, her midwife said that we should wait a couple of weeks to see if it really was postpartum depression, yet my friend was moving so out of character that I wouldn’t let up. Later on, her midwife told me that she was glad that I didn’t wait because my friend ended up going through a pretty serious bout of postpartum depression for a few months.
1. Early signs of PPD: Your emotions don't "level out" within the first couple of weeks.
Listen, if premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is real (and it is), in part due to all of the hormonal changes that we go through (perimenopause comes to mind, too), I bet you can just imagine all that is going on, hormonally, after giving birth. And while the first couple of weeks can seem a bit all over the place, if you’re not starting to feel like your old self within a couple of weeks or so, don’t merely shrug that off; it could be a postpartum depression warning sign.
2. Early signs of PPD: Your anxiety is through the roof.
Something that really let me know that something was up with my friend is she was obsessed with feeding her child (a part of the issue was mastitis, which is an infection within a woman’s breast tissue). It was so much to the point that she wouldn’t sleep, and when I would be insistent upon it, she would put a bottle up on a pregnancy pillow and prop her baby up next to it (keep in mind that this was a newborn). She was super anxious and irritable, which can be another warning sign of entering into postpartum depression.
3. Early signs of PPD: Your day-to-day patterns are drastically shifting.
Your baby is going to create a new normal for your life; that is guaranteed. However, if you’re noticing that you are totally deviating from everything that you typically do as far as your daily routine goes, while this could be the case for the first few weeks, pay close attention to if it remains that way for longer periods of time. This can be tied toshort-term memory loss or feeling very disoriented — another telling sign.
4. Early signs of PPD: You are beyond exhausted.
I once read that new parents tend to lose somewhere around three hours of sleep each and every night during the first year of their child’s life (chile) — and yes, that is going to lead to feeling tired, drained…weary even. Oh, but the exhaustion that I’m speaking of here is when you are well past feeling like you are running on fumes.
Depression exhaustion is when your brain is foggy, your focus is off, and you start leaning into feeling like you’re just existing instead of living because that’s just how worn out you are — and when you can’t seem to find relief, no matter how hard you try, that’s when it could teeter into depression if you’re not careful.
5. Early signs of PPD: You're either overly concerned with or totally detached from your child.
If you can’t think about anything but your baby or you don’t really feel much of an attachment at all, both of these can be signs of postpartum depression setting in as well. While science is still trying to figure out if shifts in oxytocin play a role, it is clear that changes in estrogen, progesterone, and within your thyroid can lead to either outcome — and both aren’t what’s ideal when you have a baby.
5 Signs of Full-Blown Postpartum Depression
Getty Images
To be honest, everything that I just said can be a warning sign or a clear indication that you are in postpartum depression. The reason why I separated them from the ones that we are about to discuss is that if you only have one of what I just said, it may not be depression; however, if you’ve got three or more of them going on, definitely contact your doctor or midwife, just as soon as you possibly can — especially if they are compounded by these too.
1. Signs of PPD: Loss of appetite
When you’re depressed, it can sometimes cause you to not want to do basic things like showering or eating. A part of this may be due to something known as anhedonia, which is basically the ability to enjoy pleasurable things like food. Thing is, though, in order for you to get your strength back and for your baby to receive the nutrients that they need (if you are breastfeeding), you’ve got to eat. Besides, not eating can lower your blood sugar levels and that can impact your moods.
2. Signs of PPD: Insomnia
It probably doesn’t surprise you that, reportedly, 75 percent of people who are depressed struggle with getting a good night’s rest. The hamster wheel that it can put you on is wild, too, because you initially may struggle with sleeping because you are anxious or worrying a lot, which can have your emotions so all over the place to the point that you need sleep to regulate them…which you can’t seem to get because, again, you’re worrying so much.
There’s no way around the fact that a lack of sleep and depression are linked, so if you’re going days without at least getting some naps in, that could be a sign that postpartum depression has set in. (By the way, lemon balm is something that you might want to try if you can’t seem to sleep and you’re looking for an all-natural way to deal with it.)
3. Signs of PPD: Non-stop crying
If you ever get around to reading TIME’s “The Science of Crying,” you’ll get that nothing about crying is black and white. And honestly, if you’re crying from time to time after having a baby, that is completely understandable — encouraged even because it can help to reduce stress and pain; in fact, it’s pretty damn therapeutic.
What you shouldn’t overlook is if you’re experiencing crying spells to the point where it feels like you can’t stop. That can be an indication of depression because what you are expressing is feelings of hopelessness on some level.
4. Signs of PPD: Suicidal ideations
At the top of this year, Healthline published, “People with Perinatal or Postpartum Depression Face Higher Suicide Risk.” Hormones play a role in this. So does suppressing emotions if you feel some sort of guilt or shame for even having those thoughts during such a special time in your life. Then, if you add to the fact that reportedly only 15 percent of women seek professional mental health support for postpartum depression — sometimes it all can become so overwhelming that ending one’s life seems like the only way out. IT’S NOT.
If you’re thinking about suicide, even just a little bit, please speak up. Again, there’s nothing to be ashamed of; you simply need some expert assistance to get you through it.
5. Signs of PPD: Thoughts of hurting your child.
If it gets to the point where you are considering harming your child, that leans into the psychosis level of postpartum. Still, if a woman is going through all of the signs that I just mentioned, simultaneously, imagine how defeated she must feel. Anyway, although this isn’t the most common sign, it is the one that needs immediate professional help.
What Should You Do If You’re Going Through Postpartum Depression
Getty Images
So, after reading all of this, you definitely sense that you or someone you know has some postpartum depression going on. What should you do? The first thing is what I’ve already mentioned, which is to make an appointment to see your doctor or midwife. Please don’t try, and “Google your way” into a remedy or solution because a medical professional may need to do lab work and mental health screenings to get to the root of what could be causing it. Next, if you are officially diagnosed, get a solid support system around you.
Remember (and it really can’t be said enough), postpartum depression is NOTHING to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. You had a baby, which is a supernatural feat; it may take some time to recover from all that came with doing that — and that is okay. Next, you might want to consider getting a postpartum therapist — and yes, there is such a thing. They can help you to better articulate your feelings and needs, offer proven tips to get you through this particular season, and help you to find therapy treatments that will be most effective for you personally.
All-Natural Remedies for Postpartum Depression
Getty Images
Please hear me loud and clear when I say that natural remedies for postpartum depression need to be accompanied by a physician’s (or midwife’s) knowledge and care.
The reason why I can’t stress that enough is, again, postpartum depression is nothing to be flippant with or about, and simply thinking that you can take a supplement and call it a day is irresponsible at best. At the same time, though, there are things that can complement whatever your doctor or midwife suggests as you’re on the road to healing from it.
1. Postpartum depression remedies: Get some omega-3s into your system.
Omega-3 fatty acids help to keep your cell membranes in peak condition, and yes, they have been proven to help reduce some of the symptoms that are associated with (postpartum) depression. In fact, some doctors recommend consuming these types of fatty acids throughout your pregnancy in order to reduce the chances of being diagnosed with postpartum depression. There are supplements that are available, and foods like flaxseeds, chia seeds, walnuts, meat from grass-fed animals, and salmon are filled with this particular nutrient, too.
2. Postpartum depression remedies: Consider some postpartum yoga.
Remember how Halle Bailey basically said that she felt disconnected from her body? Something that can help you to “reconnect” is postpartum yoga. Since it’s a form of exercise that decreases stress and anxiety, it’s low-impact, and it can help you to feel better about your body again — all of this works together to get you through postpartum depression.
3. Postpartum depression remedies: Fast from sugar, caffeine, and alcohol.
Sugar, caffeine, and alcohol are all stimulants — the kind that can make you feel energized and then cause you to crash a few hours later. When you have postpartum depression, you’re already on an emotional roller coaster ride, so you need to consume these things in extreme moderation.
Sugar? Studies say that it can actually make depression-related symptoms worse. Caffeine is a bit of a mixed bag; however, if it made you anxious before getting pregnant, you definitely should speak with your doctor before consuming it after pregnancy. Alcohol? It also increases your depression symptoms; plus, it’s potentially addictive.
4. Postpartum depression remedies: Get yourself an accountability partner.
Suffering in silence. A lot of new moms do it, which is why I was so glad that Halle spoke up about what she has currently been going through. When I say that you need an accountability partner (preferably a non-relative if you've got bossy or controlling ones who want to tell you "how things are done"), what I mean is you need someone who will help you to stick to your plans/goals for healing from postpartum depression, while supporting and encouraging you on your low days; you also need someone who will be great at helping you to feel good about yourself again.
Postpartum depression isn’t really something that you can get through (well) alone. Please don’t try to.
5. Postpartum depression remedies: Ramp up the self-care.
LISTEN, if there is ever a time when you shouldn’t feel the least bit guilty about getting (extra) massages, facials, or whatever else makes you feel pampered and beautiful — right after having a baby would be it. In fact, if you are currently pregnant, I recommend that you create a “pamper me budget” for your postnatal care. Why? Well, sometimes, one of the hardest things about adjusting to the new normal of a baby is trying to find the balance between prioritizing them vs. yourself.
When it comes to this final point, you’ve got to always remember that the healthier you are — mind, body, and spirit — the better off your baby will be, and that means that you’ve got to take premium care of your mental health…and yes, self-care via pampering plays a big role in that (check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself”).
Why You Should Consider Hiring a Postpartum Doula
Getty Images
The way that my particular doula services work is I come into the pregnant mom’s life during the beginning of her third trimester and then stick around for a month following her giving birth to her child. That way, I can monitor any potential signs of postpartum depression, give her partner a break (yes, fathers have needs that shouldn’t be ignored during that time, too), and I can help around the house if the mom is too tired or physically not up to doing things like washing dishes or even changing her baby sometimes.
Although I do this naturally, the technical term for this type of doula isa postpartum doula. And even though we're all given information on how to provide postpartum care during “doula school,” a postpartum doula’s training is focused especially on how to support moms and babies after mom gives birth.
This can include doing all of the things that I already mentioned, as well as offering breastfeeding assistance (because it can sometimes take a minute to figure it out, trust me), running errands, preparing meals, helping out with other members of the family (like the other children) — some postpartum doulas will even spend the night a few nights a week so that the mom can get some quality rest.
Indeed, one of my favorite things about a postpartum doula is that while a baby nurse mostly only focuses on the newborn’s needs, a postpartum doula helps the entire family. Yeah, they are pretty bomb and can be a real godsend on a billion different levels. For information on how to find a doula or postpartum doula, click here. For information on how to become a DONA-certified doula, click here.
____
This one was lengthy (even for me — LOL), yet I hope you can see why it needed to be.
Halle, thanks again for bringing this issue to light. I salute you.
Having a baby is miraculous. New moms deserve all of the support that they need once they do it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Franco Zulueta
10 Words That Should Never Be Used To Describe Your Friendships
Personally, I’m not big on New Year’s Resolutions. A big part of the reason is because I think that there is a huge mind f-ck that comes from thinking that something miraculous automatically happens on January 1. Y’all, every day is new — so, if you want to change your life (or something about it), right now would be the time to do it…because why wait when you know that tomorrow is promised to no one?
Not to mention the fact that I think a huge factor in why, reportedly, almost 90 percent of people “fail” their resolutions before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr’s Day rolls around is because people apply way too much pressure and stress onto themselves to come up with some on-10 willpower plans a couple of days before the ball drops and the new year begins.
I mean, just think about it: If you are a resolutions kind of gal, imagine how much easier it would be to make them — and practice keeping them — if you didn’t wait for six weeks (give or take) from now? And when it comes to your friendships, specifically, what if your transitioning consisted of doing some (semi) immediate inventory on those relationships? One way to do it is to check out my article, “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins” (“Texting Your Friends This One Question Will Reveal A Lot About Your Relationship” might come in handy too). However, before you even take that step, consider reading this piece all the way through…first.
Why? Well, I once read that,reportedly, a whopping 75 percent of men and 84 percent of women have admitted that they’ve had at least one toxic friend over the course of their lifetime (check out “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend”), it got me to thinking about how so many of us find ourselves in that position — usually more than once too.
And y’all, it is my belief that it’s because we overlook the 10 words that I’m about to break down a bit today — things that, aren’t necessarily “toxic” on their own; oh, but if they are ignored or not addressed long enough, like a snowflake that rolls into other ones and ultimately creates an avalanche, it definitely can turn a friendship into a relationally poisonous situation.
So, let’s address them…then you decide what needs to be done — not after Christmas either. Now.
1. "Complicated"
GiphyIt is my personal opinion that when Facebook made “it’s complicated” an option as far as relationship (or situationship) statuses went, that’s when the phrase started to become more acceptable. And you know what? It’s also my personal opinion that it never should have been. SMDH. When something is complicated, that means it’s complex, difficult to understand, and perplexing — and what all of this boils down to is there is a lack of clarity going on…which means there is probably some poor communication that is transpiring too.
Whether that’s the result of you walking on eggshells, both of you making a lot of assumptions or your relationship being such an emotional roller coaster ride that you’re not exactly sure where the two of you stand, friendships shouldn’t be complicated. And so, if one or more of yours are, it’s time for some serious conversations to be had.
2. "Sometimey"
GiphyWhenever someone tells me that they have a best friend who they don’t talk to very often, my face almost always scrunches up; especially when I hear something like, “We can go six months without talking and pick up right where we left off.” Uh-huh. Back when I used to watch The Young and the Restless with my great-grandma during the summer, once it was time to go back to school, I could pretty much pick back up on the storylines the following summer.
That’s pretty crazy too because all that means is there was familiarity and predictability involved…not necessarily any intimacy. Do you see where I am going with this? And when it comes to your dearest friendship, if you and your BFF are so close, why isn’t your relationship higher on your priority list? Both of y’all’s priority list?
One reason why a lot of people suck at friendship is because they are hella inconsistent when it comes to nurturing it. I mean, even a plant needs to be watered on a weekly basis. If your friendships are sometimey, that could cause some unexpected issues up the road.
3. "One-Sided"
GiphyReciprocity should always reign supreme in friendships. And although you and your friends may not give in the same way, there is no reason for you to feel like you are doing all or most of the work to keep the relationship going. Case in point: There is someone who, to this day, I think is cool as hell, and, back in the day, although I didn’t consider her to be a close friend, she definitely was a friend of mine.
Anyway, I haven’t talked to her in like five or six years now at this point. Why? Because something she is horrible at is following through with what she says that she is going to do — including calling people back. And so, the last time that I saw her and she said, “I’m gonna call you,” I responded with, “And that will be the next time that we speak, chile” — I haven’t heard a word since. Fast forward to earlier this year, someone asked me how she was.
When I said, “I don’t know” and they inquired why and I explained what I just said to y’all, they said, “Girl, just call her. She probably forgot.” So…I need to catch that slack because…? Really, all she did was show me that the reason why we stayed in touch at all is because I used to do most of the work — and she liked it that way.
If I end up running into her, we’ll still hug it out and catch up but y’all, I have too many friends who actively participate in my friendship with them who need to get some of my time to chase folks who don’t. One-sided friendships aren’t friendships. They need to be demoted to good acquaintances or…something like that (check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”).
4. "Draining"
GiphyPeople who always or only talk about themselves. People who are constantly in a crisis. People who always need some form of validation. People who are moody AF. People who can’t seem to talk about anything but other people. People who are the textbook definition of energy vampires. People who are obsessed with being the center of attention (whether it’s online or off). People who like to play the victim (i.e., rarely take accountability for their actions; more on that later). People who lack self-awareness. People who hold you to a standard that they don’t even hold themselves to. Do you know what these kinds of people are? DRAINING.
And the thing about your friendships is, more times than not, you should be able to go to them to get a boost of energy, positivity, and humor — something that refuels you instead of exhausts you. Some of y’all, your friends have been draining you for so long that you’ve been gaslit into believing that is what comes with having friends (check out “This Is How A Friend Can Gaslight You — And Make It Feel Like It's Your Fault.”) Nope. If it seems like whenever you’re around someone, they wear you out on a mental and emotional level, that’s not healthy, sis. Please stop telling yourself otherwise.
5. "Hypercritical"
GiphyNow this one is the kind of “bright orange flag” that you may not see coming on the surface. I say that because, while you might think that hypercritical people are only those who have something you say about damn near everything you do, typically, a hypercritical friend is hard on you because they are even harder on themselves.
The way it tends to manifest is they are perfectionists and/or don’t know how to give or receive compliments and/or are super defensive when receiving feedback and/or they seem to constantly be on edge and/or they are always nitpicking and/or they fear failure (or you failing) — and so they aren’t very merciful.
In short, a hypercritical person lacks self-compassion which is why they aren’t very good at granting you any — and since you’re gonna make mistakes or even consciously poor decisions sometimes, because they are so hard to be around, they rarely are a safe place to land.
6. "Unsupportive"
GiphyIn my latest book, there is a chapter devoted to a guy who I once had feelings for who turned out to be one of the most narcissistic individuals that I have ever known — and no, I do not use that word lightly. As I was penning the chapter, one of the things that I reflected on is how unsupportive he was while I was supporting him all of the way. An example? The amount of media coverage that I got him in just two years of working with him? He hasn’t seen it before or since and yet, even though he had some substantial connections, ask me if he asked if I needed assistance one time in basically two decades.
His family dynamic? It is supremely dysfunctional on so many levels and yet, when I decided to release some of my relatives (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”) because they were toxic (check out “Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members”), he said that I was being petty. One time, I even produced a show for him, for free, and he yelled at me when I asked him to stay on the phone with me as we were driving about an hour back (in separate cars) because I was sleepy. Hmph.
This man was more than just merely “unsupportive” — he was emotionally abusive. Noted. However, he still is a good example of what it means to have someone in your life who you support and doesn’t support you because, they are all for being able to lean on you and yet, when it’s time for them to return the favor, you might as well lean up against an imaginary pole.
7. "Unreliable"
GiphyBack when my house burned down a few years ago, one of my closest friends bought me a really nice laptop. I didn’t ask for it; hell, I didn’t even mention that I lost all three of mine. He just assumed that I needed one and so he and his wife took care of it. About a year later, he wanted to see his side of the family for the holidays and money was tight on his end — so, I purchased plane tickets for him and his beloved. Fast forward to a few months ago and finances have been challenging for them again (the job market is crazy out here) and so I gave his wife some money, strictly for pampering purposes.
At first, she was hesitant about taking it and so, I had a family-friend meeting with both of them (separately) that if we’re gonna be friends, we need to be able to rely on each other. Y’all, I’ve got some folks who, I know with everything in me that, pretty much regardless of the need, if I hit them up at any time, they’ve got my back. And the reason why that is the case is because they feel the same way about me. Can you say the same thing about the people you call “friends”? If not, do they even deserve that title (check out “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'”)?
8. "Parental"
GiphyI’ll raise my hand in this class and say that when one of my closest friends was going through a divorce earlier this year (check out “How To Support Your Friend Who's Going Through A Divorce”), because I am a marriage life coach, a relationship writer and shoot, Shellie Reneé Warren (LOL), I had to remind myself to be her friend — not her therapist, coach or hell, even low-key parent.
And what does a parental friend look like? They act like their advice should be your instructions. They think that their opinions need to be your perspective. They have a tendency to “helicopter friend” you (if you’re familiar with the term “helicopter parent,” then you get where I am coming from) by hovering over you and your decisions.
Sometimes, if you don’t do what they think is right or best, they will be arrogant enough to try and provide consequences for “defying” them like freezing you out or nagging you to death (I know, right?). At the end of the day, parental friends are controlling ones because while they actually may have a lot of wisdom, knowledge, and discernment to share, if there is no balance, they aren’t helping you at all. Honestly, they aren’t loving you well either.
9. "Unaccountable"
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while, I seriously doubt that it will surprise you that one of my biggest relational pet peeves is people who don’t hold themselves accountable. And when it comes to friendships, one of the most popular ways of doing this is them saying that you shouldn’t judge them but support them when they are doing something that is dead-ass wrong or potentially self-destructive. SMDH.
Too many people out here are looking for FANS NOT FRIENDS and you can tell by how bent out of shape they get whenever you don’t cheer on pure nonsense, you call them out on their ish or they get mad because you don’t agree with something that they tell you. A good friend is going to tell you the truth not what you want to hear. If you’ve got people in your life who push back on this — be careful with them. It can be burdensome to be friends with individuals who you can’t be honest with…even when it comes to being honest with them…about them.
10. "Lonely"
GiphyThere is a wife that I know who used to tell her single friends, “The loneliest night single beats a bad marriage any day” — and y’all, I have worked with enough troubled couples to say that someone needs to send her some money to her PayPal account each and every time that she says it. Even though there are reports that somewhere around 50 percent of the American population say that they are currently lonelier than they have ever been, imagine being in an intimate relationship and still feeling that way.
And when it comes to some people and their friendships, that is exactly what is going on. If you’ve got friends who don’t make time for you; have poor listening skills (or are poor communicators, in general); are dismissive of your feelings; don’t speak your love language (and they know what it is); are constantly distracted in your presence, and/or aren’t intentional about you — this easily can make you feel lonely in your friendship with them…and how tragic is that?
One of the main purposes of friendships is to not feel alone in this world. If you somehow do in yours, something is 1000 percent awry.
___
Listen, no one is perfect. Hell, that is a part of the reason why we all need friends, we need folks who accept us as we are. All I’m saying is there are friendships and then there are healthy friendships — and if the latter is your goal, you and your friends should strive to use other words than these 10 to describe it.
If that isn’t the case, it’s time to make some changes — so that you can know what it’s like to not just have people in your life but really wonderful dynamics that add and not subtract from you. Selah and amen.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Prostock Studio/Getty Images