10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently
Trust me—between married clients, horny friends and folks who send me the most random of emails, I definitely hear about sex a lot. And what I'm happy to report is, while not many women have told me that they've never had an orgasm before, what they do say is having one, as much as they would like to, can sometimes be a bit of a challenge.
So, in honor of all the ladies who have no problem climaxing, it's just that, they would like to do it more often and consistently, I've got 10 hacks that, if you apply at least three of 'em during every sex session, you should have one less thing to "worry" about. Are you ready to get yours…more?
1. Get Wetter
I wrote an entire article on lubrication because that's how much I believe that the wetter sex is, the better it can be for everyone involved. When you bring lubrication into the picture, it makes sex slicker and so much more erotic. Between the stimulation of your nerve endings, the sounds that wet bodies coming together can make, along with how lube can actually help you to relax so that your own natural lubricants are able to flow freely and more quickly—you just can go wrong with lubrication (especially if you make sure to apply some directly onto your labia; preferably one that has a silicone base). As a bonus, lubricant is also a great safe sex addiction because, the wetter it is down below, the less friction you and your partner will experience and, the less of a chance there will be of the condom breaking. That's why it's my top sexual climax hack (for today, anyway).
2. Use a Pillow (or Two)
Something as simple as a pillow can take difficulty having one orgasm to no problem having a few of 'em back to back. When you put a pillow underneath you, right at the top of where your back ends and your butt begins, not only does that make it easier for your partner to access you in all of your glory during a lil' cunnilingus action, but it intensifies penetration during intercourse as well. Plus, if you're a visual lover and you like to watch your partner please you (or enter you), being perched up on a pillow can make it so much easier to get a much better…view.
3. Try Places Other than Your Bed
Boredom is a huge cause of the decline of sexual excitement in long-term relationships. Something that you can do to break out of the ho-humness that you might be currently feeling between you and your boo is to get out of your bed and have sex somewhere else. Anywhere else.
Your couch can support your partner's back when you're in sexual positions that require sitting up. Having sex outside in your backyard (so long as it's a closed-in space and your neighbors can't see) can bring out the inner exhibitionist in you. Sex on the stairs can put you and your partner's bodies into all kinds of angles for oral sex. A running washing machine can easily serve as a huge vibrator. The hood of your car can be sexy AF. Right at your front door is pretty passionate and animalistic. You get my point.
Oh, and if you want a few more places for inspiration, Paired Life is a site that lists a whopping 200. (You're welcome.)
4. Buy Your Man Some Eurycoma Longifolia Oil
Oh, we're big essential oil fans over here at xoNecole (check out "8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last" when you get a chance). Well, one that I'd be floored if you've ever heard of before is Eurycoma longifolia. It's an essential oil that is extracted from a shrub tree in Southeast Asia that can help to reduce high blood pressure, ease chronic coughing, relieve headaches, treat ulcers and is even used as a homeopathic way to ease syphilis-related symptoms. But what Eurycoma longifolia has the greatest reputation for is making a man last longer in bed.
That's because it's able to do everything from increase his testosterone levels and treat mild forms of erectile dysfunction to heighten his stamina and even help to treat male infertility. On average, men only need five minutes to climax (while we need somewhere around 20 minutes). So, if you want your man to be able to get on the same page with you in this department, putting some of this oil in a diffuser or, even better, giving him a massage with a mixture of one-fourth cup of sweet almond oil and 5-7 drops of Eurycoma longifolia may be all that you need to make sure that you have an even better (and longer-lasting) night.
5. Use Ribbed Condoms
If you don't want to get pregnant or an STD, condom use is a must. When it comes to the kind of condom that can make climaxing easier and so much more intense, you might want to go with a ribbed one. The raised ridges that run along the entire rubber can help to increase friction (in a good way) and intensify pleasure during penetrative sex; especially if you make sure to put some lubrication on the inside of the condom (for him) and the outside of the condom (for you). If you want to check out a wide variety of ribbed rubbers to choose from, click here.
6. Have Him Play with Your Pubic Hair
Ready for a pubic hair hack? When you have a bit of a (well-manicured) bush down below, not only can that result in less uncomfortable friction during sex, but there is another perk that you probably would've never considered. By allowing your partner to gently tug on it, in the direction towards your belly button, that can actually help to expose your clitoral hood more so that he has easier access to the "button" inside. And well, when that gets pushed right, you know how it goes down (wink).
7. Drink Some Red Wine
I don't think we've ever had to convince y'all to drink more wine. Red wine, that is. But if you want to get you and yours' juices to flowing that much more (pun totally intended, by the way), drinking a couple of glasses, about an hour before you plan to get it on and in, is one way to do it. Red wine contains flavonoids that help to increase blood flow to your genitalia. Some researchers also say that the mere smell of red wine can help to get you in the mood too. Especially if it's something along the lines of a Pinot Noir for women or a Moscato for men.
That got me to thinking (and researching). Since red wine is all that, why stop at just drinking it? Yep, did you know that some people also partake in red wine body massages? All you need to do is fill up a spray bottle with half red wine, half rosewater (a skin softener) and a few drops of jasmine essential oil (an aphrodisiac). Spray your partner's body with the mixture and massage them for 10 minutes. Not only will the resveratrol, tannin and polyphenols be really great for his skin, but the wine going into his pores is another way to boost his libido, that much quicker.
8. Get (and Give) a Back Massage
When people hear the phrase "happy ending", usually that's in the context of some highly-sexual-basically-illegal activity going on at a spa or salon. But there are a lot of people who can end up with what are known as back-gasms from a massage that is totally legit. For one thing, during a massage, we tend to be extremely calm with no defenses up.
Also, whether you may realize it or not, a main sexual "trigger spot" on your body is located along the lower part of your spine (due to all of the nerve endings that are there). So, when that part of your body gets massaged, it can help to release a burst of energy while increasing blood flow to your sexual organs.
This is especially the case if you add a little lavender (which is calming), ginger (which can soothe any backaches or discomfort) or sandalwood (which is an aphrodisiac) essential oil into a DIY massage oil blend and then warm it up a bit before applying.
9. Put on a Blindfold
You might've heard somewhere that when you lose one of your five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell), it tends to heighten the other four. Well, when you temporarily impair your sight by putting on a blindfold, it can amplify the dirty words your partner is saying, make you that much more sensitive to your partner's touch, make his kissing, licking and nibbling feel that much more intense and, anything that they put into your mouth? Well, I'll let you fill in the blanks there. Two other benefits that come with using a blindfold is it adds to the element of surprise (since you literally won't see what's coming) and, it can also help you to trust your partner more (for the same reason). That's a whole lot of bonuses for a little piece of material. Try it. You might be pleasantly surprised—and aroused—by just how much you like it. And how much it helps you to cum that much more.
10. Openly Fantasize
So that you can get off of here and get to testing some of these hacks out, let's end here. I recently read an article about a study that revealed that when a couple is intentional about fantasizing about each other, not only can it significantly increase sexual appeal and attraction to their partner, it can diminish negative feelings about the relationship too. That makes sense when you think about the fact that our biggest sex organ is our brain and when we allow ourselves to tap into our sexual imagination, it can make us, well, hornier.
So, take a moment. Get quiet. Take a few deep breaths. Maybe turn on a song that instantly makes you think about your partner or some of the best sex you've ever had with them. Then think back. What about them turned you on from the very beginning? What was the first intimate experience that was totally indescribable? What have you always wanted to try with him but haven't? What would you like to do again but haven't? What is on your sex bucket list, in general? While a lot of us attribute foreplay to physical sexual activity of some kind, when you open yourself up to doing nothing more than purely fantasizing about your partner, that oftentimes can get you so hot 'n bothered that not much else is needed by the time he is in your presence. You'll be ready to climax before he even touches you. And who knows what being in that mind, body and soul space will lead? All. Night. Long…Over. And. Over. Again.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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