

Boy, if I could dedicate this to a person in particular without putting them totally on blast, I definitely would. As someone who has a pretty good memory, there's a client that I've got whose memory is so atrocious that sometimes I genuinely wonder if they are gaslighting me. When I've brought it to their attention, something that they've said is between all of the stuff on their plate, them not getting a ton of rest and oftentimes feeling super overwhelmed, all of this can make recalling stuff pretty challenging.
I'm pretty sure that they are not a rainbow unicorn when it comes to this particular life challenge. So, I thought I would share 12 memory hacks for different kinds of issues. That way, I can just forward them a link (perfect) while hopefully helping a few others at the same time. Are you ready to make your own memory sharper — or to help someone else in your life who has this particular struggle? No worries. I got you.
1. Listen to Classical Music or the Rain
Two things that can relax your mind in a way that other things cannot are the sound of classical music and the sound of rain (I can definitely vouch for rain). Since they both have a way of releasing dopamine which helps to cultivate a sense of pleasure, when you're trying to commit a large amount of content to memory, try and avoid music that has a lot of words in it; that can sometimes confuse your mind. Classical music, rain or some other nature sound is way better in the sense of being far more effective.
2. Choose a “Random” Scent
This one right here is kind of buck. If there's something specific that you need to recall for a business meeting later in the way, try either spraying a scent that you wouldn't typically use or chewing a piece of gum that is not your usual flavor while you're trying to commit it to memory.
If you then spray that scent or chew another piece of that flavor gum right before the meeting, it can actually help to jog your memory. If it does, report back. I'm curious.
3. Read Out Loud
I once read that you're around 50 percent more likely to remember something that you actually said out loud. One researcher said that it has something to do with the fact that adding a production element to whatever you're attempting to retain helps to keep it on your long-term memory for a much longer period of time. So, if you're a silent reader who struggles with remembering what you've read, try reading out loud and see if that helps at all. According to quite a bit of research, it should.
4. Do Some Yoga
With the amount of benefits that come with yoga, it really is crazy that more of us don't do it. On the mental tip, it can help to reduce stress, relieve anxiety, fight depression-related symptoms, improve sleep quality (which also plays a huge role in keeping your memory intact) and it helps to keep your brain in great shape too. Matter of fact, on a science-based level, there are many studies to support the fact that yoga reduces the risk of several cognitive issues. So, if you're looking for a holistic way to improve your memory, sign up for a yoga class. You won't regret it.
5. “A Loaf of Bread, A Container of Milk and a Stick of Butter…”
Aight. The real ones know where this particular reference comes from — Sesame Street. If you need to run to the grocery store (or some other store), there are only a few items that you need to pick up and you don't feel like writing anything down, apply this skit and just substitute the words for what you actually want to buy. It might sound corny yet it's amazing how well it actually works.
6. Say Their Name When You Meet Them
There's a guy I know who calls everyone "baby" because that's how many women he juggles (chile, I already know). Thing is, I've known him long enough to confidently say that he pretty much sucks when it comes to retaining anyone's name unless you happen to be super close to him. If this is your dilemma, a way to help keep someone's name in your memory bank is to actually say it back to them when you first meet them. For instance, if you're at a work luncheon and your boss says, "This is Jackie Johnson," instead of simply saying, "Nice to meet you," go with something along the lines of, "Hello. So, do you prefer to be called 'Jackie' or 'Ms. Johnson'?" They will appreciate the courtesy and it will help you to keep their name locked in at the same time.
7. Study in the Afternoon
Say that you've got a test that you need to study up for. Even if you consider yourself to be a morning person or night owl, it's actually the afternoon that several studies say is the best time to study up. Without getting too deep into it all, apparently that is when our brains are better at combining new info with things that you already know. Definitely another argument for schools not needing to start at the crack of dawn every day. Yet, I digress.
8. Take a Pic When You Park
OK. Some of y'all are cynical. That I know (LOL). So, if you read this one and thought, "How is taking a picture of where I parked a memory hack?", here's the thing. I once read that 55 percent of people have forgotten where they've parked, at least once. If this is you and it's happened more than one time, taking a picture of where you've parked and immediately texting yourself can actually be pretty effective. The reason why is because, if you happen to forget where you parked in the first place, there's a good chance that you will read at least one text while you're out. Seeing a text to yourself will remind you of why you sent yourself one and that can get you to your car so much quicker.
9. Put "It" on a Handle
Say that you travel a lot and you are notorious for leaving your phone charger. Something that can help you out is to put your suitcase by an outlet that is close to the door. Then wrap your charger around its handle. Hey, it's hard to forget something if you've gotta yank it out of the wall in order for you and your suitcase to get out of the door.
10. Explain It to Someone Else
This particular hack, I can totally vouch for because, how can you truly remember something that you don't fully understand and how do you know whether or not you understand it unless you can thoroughly explain it? One of my friends will call me often if she has a presentation and she's concerned that she won't retain all of the facts. After explaining it to me about three times, her confidence goes way up because it's clear to her which makes it easier to keep in her head, long-term.
11. Watch Something on the Topic
Speaking of presentations, do you have one that you need to give on a particular topic, you want to include some extra details yet you're already struggling with the data that you're currently trying to memorize? Try watching a documentary about it. It can be more entertaining than just reading and you'd be amazed how some of the little tidbits that were in the doc will remain in your brain.
12. Put Something on Your Pillows
One more thing. If once you get home from work, you know that there is something that you need to do, either before turning in or in preparation for the next day, put something like a book on top of one of the pillows on your bed. Since that's not where the book belongs and it is literally in the way of you getting the rest that you need, seeing it as you return for the night will help to trigger your memory so that you can complete the task.
That way, you can go to sleep soundly, knowing that you accomplished everything that you needed to do that day. Sweet.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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