Definitely one of my favorite writers is the famed poet Rumi, and one of my favorite things that he has ever said is, “What you seek is seeking you.” To me, it complements another quote by the best-selling author Paulo Coelho extremely well: “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Okay, but what happens if what you are thinking that you might want has something to do with a close guy friend of yours? Even deeper, what if you’re not exactly sure that what you are feeling is fleeting or lasting?
Last fall, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.” — and honestly, it emphasizes the fact that there is enough data out here to support that the best relationships have a foundation of friendship in them. And that is why, I’m the kind of person who thinks that if you think you might have more-than-just-a-friend feelings for a guy in your life, rather than ignore what’s going on, you should face it.
How? We’re about to tackle that very point, as thoroughly as possible, right now.
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Move
First: Were Things EVER Actually “Platonic”?
GiphyListen, if anyone has a wealth of male friends, I do. And that’s why I will forever-and-a-day push back on anyone who says that men and women can’t be just friends. LIES YOU TELL. Not only is it possible, I highly recommend it, because the opposite sex can provide insights and perspectives on things in a way that your own gender simply can’t.
Now, can a ton of men and women be strictly platonic friends? Yeah, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The reason why I say that is because, just like folks oftentimes use the word “monogamous” when they actually should be saying “exclusive” (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), the same thing goes for calling every relationship that isn’t romantic “platonic.”
Platonic literally means “being, relating to, or involving the kind of love that characterizes a friendship; free of sexual desire or romantic overtones” and what this means is, if you are truly in a platonic friendship with someone, neither one of you is sexually attracted to each other on any level — and well, like a male friend of mine once said when I told him that I described us as being “brother and sister” to some people…“Shellie, you are like my sister but you aren’t. Given the circumstances, you could still get it.” (Chile.)
YES, he said that and ALSO, we have been friends for almost 20 years without so much as a kiss being exchanged between us. Do I think that he finds me sexually appealing? Sure. Me? I’ll put it this way: I get why other women do (personally, I find him to be more beautiful than sexy). And yet, what we value in one another is so much stuff beyond the physical and/or sexual. And this example alone is why, while I don’t think that most friendships between men and women are purely platonic in the sense that neither person has some level of sexual attraction or interest in the other (check out “Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'”), I absolutely believe that men and women can put that aside and be friends, without benefits, anyway.
That said, though, as you’re in the middle of processing whether or not you have more-than-friends feelings for a guy friend of your own, it would benefit you to ask yourself if the two of you are truly and genuinely platonic or not — because if you are platonic, the emotions that you are experiencing could be more about admiration or appreciation instead of actual relational interest. On the other hand, if you do have a bit of an interest or curiosity beyond what the two of you currently share, there could be some seeds that you — or you both — have been suppressing that need to be addressed…perhaps even explored.
Which brings me to my next point…
Next: Know the Difference Between Attractive Qualities and Being Attracted to Someone
GiphySomething that I find to be extremely appealing in a man is charisma. A guy who is confident, calm and very self-aware? Whew, chile. And don’t let him have an east coast edge to him (my mother was a New Yorker, so…it’s in the genes). One of my close guy friends totally fits this bill and it’s a part of the reason why I enjoy being in his presence. And because we like hanging out together and our friendship has a sense of ease to it, folks like to speculate about if we have “more” going on. We absolutely do not.
See, although he does charisma better than most — and it gets him pretty damn far with the ladies — there is not one ounce of me who sees him in a romantic or sexual kind of way. If anything, I see his charisma as something to put on my wish list for a man…and not much more than that.
And why am I sharing this lil’ story with you? Well, while you’re in the process of figuring out if your guy friend are or aren’t platonic, you should also ask yourself if what you are drawn to about him is attractive overall or it is causing you to be literally attracted to him as an individual. How can you know the difference? Well, aside from what I said about my charismatic guy friend, if you are attracted to someone, there is going to be physical and sexual interest. See, while I enjoy talking to my friend for hours on end, the thought of actually sleeping with him? Ugh. This means that I find some traits attractive but there is no attraction to him.
See the difference?
Don’t Put the “Cart” Before the Horse
GiphyI honestly can’t believe that it’s been seven years since I wrote “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners” for the platform. If you haven’t read it (yet), one thing that was a constant thread for me is the fact that I had sex with my friends — and so clearly, they weren’t platonic situations (well, except for one of my boyfriends; that’s another message for another time).
See, the pattern with those guys was, since I don’t typically have sex quickly (there were some exceptions like my first love; it only took a few weeks for us to "engage" although it seemed like forever at the time), they would get tired of waiting which would cause us to cultivate a friendship in the meantime. Problem was, since there was a mutual sexual interest, once an emotional connection was made, sometimes that would ignite the suppressed lust and BOOM! Then we would be in unnecessarily complicated situations all because, although the emotional and sexual intimacy were real, we never discussed what to do about it should we cross the line before actually doing so — and that resulted in matters becoming confusing, draining, stress-filled or even messy. SMDH.
And that is why, I really hope that you hear me when I say that you should ABSOLUTELY NOT sleep with your friend before knowing for sure what your feelings are and what you desire to come from them. Because although sex doesn’t always turn matters into a Lifetime or Tubi movie, what it will always do is change things…one way or another. And once you have sex, it can’t be undone.
Yeah, one more time for the backseats and the hard-headed: Take it from someone who learned the hard way, PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT SEX WILL CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING FOR CLARITY ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT HAVING POTENTIAL FEELINGS FOR A GUY FRIEND. More times than not, it will either leave a residue that you can’t easily clear up or it will have you seeing things through rose-colored glasses — and that could result in delusional thinking or heartbreak.
Because a lot of people can sleep with you and still never want to be with you. Don’t test that theory out. Just take my word on it, okay?
How To Talk About It Without Ruining The Friendship
If He’s Your Friend, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT
GiphyCan having feelings (or even potential feelings) for a guy friend be awkward? Sure. I get that. I will say this, though — if he is truly your friend, you should be able to talk to him about pretty much anything. Because remember, the title of this article is what to do if you kinda-sorta have feelings. Meaning, it’s not like you’re planning to profess your undying love or you want to marry him before the holidays roll around.
You simply think that you might feel differently about him than the other men in your friendship circle and you are curious what he thinks about it — because real talk about something else: Sometimes knowing how a guy friend feels about you having (potential) feelings for him will let you know whether to feed into the feelings…or not.
And before some of you say, “Shellie, I would rather ask my girlfriends or even other male friends about what they think instead” — I mean, I hear you; however, they aren’t him and so all they can really do is speculate and, if you’re anything like I am, you want to find resolve over going by mere assumptions as soon as possible…and that comes from going directly to the source.
Again, you don’t have to say anything super deep or over-the-top. The conversation with your friend is basically a low-key fact-finding mission to see if both of you could possibly be on the same page of a different chapter of your journey with each other — or not. A simple, “Have you ever seen us as being more than friends before?” (in person, so that you can pay close attention to his body language) may be all that you need to say in order to get the answers that you truly seek.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if all of this will infect your friendship — it shouldn’t. I’ve had a few male friends who’ve had feelings for me over the years and told me. I’ve also had feelings for one or two of mine in the past as well and I told them about it. Really, at the end of the day, we decided that the friendship meant more than taking the risk of trying something else/more out. Plus, us liking each other was actually a huge compliment more than anything. Why? Because we know each other beyond the surface stuff that comes with typical crushes.
We simply took the interest as a seasonal feeling and moved on. Our friendship meant too much, to the both of us, to let it hinder us from remaining…intact.
And that’s kind of my point about this point — if you think you have feelings for a guy friend and you tell him, if he’s a mature individual, the intimacy within the honesty could end up bringing you closer together (simply because sharing all of who you are in a safe space tends to do that). On the other hand, if it puts distance between the two of you (due to how either of you choose to act afterwards), that could reveal some cracks in the foundation of your friendship that should be addressed anyway (and may have existed all along).
Bottom line, unless it’s something as surface and shallow as a random sex dream or him looking good enough to eat in a tailored suit one time — keeping your feelings to yourself about a real and true friend will typically backfire, one way or another…if not immediately, eventually. And besides, there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. If he’s good enough to be your friend, no harm or foul in finding him to be good enough to be more-than-just-a-friend too. Relax. Relate. Release.
____
By the way, the advice that I just gave you? Trust me, it’s based on mere speculation. I’ve given the gist of this intel to clients and some of them have been in long-term relationships with a guy who used to be “just their friend” for a hot minute now.
You know, there is a Scripture in the Bible that says, “…you do not have because you do not ask.” (James 4:2). How are you gonna know how your male friend feels about how you feel if you don’t say anything?
If you want to get out of the kinda-sorta and into “very sure” — communicate.
Knowing where you stand is always a good thing. No matter what.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023