

Me? I’m an ambivert. That means a lot of stuff (check out “What Exactly Is An Ambivert? How Can You Tell If You Are One?”); however, as it relates to this article specifically, it means that I personally don’t care what time of the year it is — my favorite place to be is inside of my home. I actually try to make it the kind of sanctuary space where that will always be the case.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get excited whenever my favorite time of year rolls around, though; that’s when I will definitely be out in somebody’s store picking up a few things that will make my living space extra warm and cozy.
Things like what? Things like the 15 items and ideas that I’m about to share with you — just in case, like me, you plan on doing a lot of kickin’ it…in your bed or on your couch without any reservation or apology. I mean, it is fall, after all.
1. Go with Neutral Tones
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I can’t believe that it’s almost been two years since my townhouse basically blew up. There, my home décor was shades of blues, browns, and white. My new spot is variations of green, gray, brown, and blue. Clearly, neutrals — the mixing of primary, secondary, and tertiary colors — are my thing, and I don’t apologize for it. Neutrals create a warmth to a space. Neutrals are easy to layer with some of your favorite brighter hues. And, if you have a boo thang, he will probably feel more comfortable in a home that’s decorated with neutral shades.
So, whether it’s some new throw pillows for your bed or couch or an ottoman that you’ve been eyeing to store some of your summer clothes that you’re in the process of putting away, pick up something in off-white, caramel, coffee, or navy color. It’ll immediately bring more autumn energy into your living space.
2. Get Yourself a Cable Knit Blanket
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There’s honestly no telling how many blankets I own. Some are lightweight for the spring and summer seasons, while others are heavier for fall and winter. There’s just something about curling up underneath a blanket while watching a movie that is a top-tier experience. This year, if you don’t already own a cable knit blanket, indulge yourself and get one. Now, I’ll be honest with you — some of the quality ones aren’t the cheapest; however, if you go to Etsy (one of my favorite go-tos for just about…everything), you should be able to find one that works well within your budget. As a bonus, many of them are handmade. Just go to the site and put “cable knit blankets” in the search field.
3. DIY a Fabric Spray
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Okay, so why didn’t any of y’all put me on to DIVA Glamorous Wash before now? What in the world?! I actually found out from an influencer who I like a lot (Christiana is what she goes by on YouTube). Man, that stuff smells amazing and is also a pretty effective fabric cleaner. I don’t use it all of the time, though, only because the scent is so strong, and sometimes, I want my clothes and other items to smell like something different — and that’s where fabric spray comes in. I really like this as a “make your home smell amazing” option because you can customize the spray to smell however you’d like it to.
That’s cool, not just when it comes to customizing scents based on the seasons (some fall scents include vanilla, pumpkin, apple-cinnamon, cranberry, and sandalwood) but controlling what kind of all-natural ingredients that you want to add to your favorite essential oils. That said, a super easy fabric spray recipe that can go on your bedding, living room furniture, and beyond is located here.
4. Also, Get a Ladder-Style Shelf
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There’s something about mantels and bookcases that can also cozy up a space. I think a part of it is connected to whatever you put in and/or on them. If you like this idea but your living quarters are kinda tight, how about a ladder-style shelf? Since it’s vertical instead of horizontal, it can easily fit anywhere from your bedroom to your bathroom. Then, you can add your favorite books, knick-knacks, a plant, and a couple of soy candles to cozy the space right on up. The cool thing about this option is you should be able to find one for between $40-60 dollars (like this one here), in a variety of colors, on sites like Amazon.
5. Own Some “Portable” Fireplaces
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Speaking of visually warming up your spot with a “furniture accessory,” what if you’ve always wanted a fireplace, but your spot doesn’t have one? Something that I personally find to be a visually stunning alternative is to get yourself a fireplace surround (which is basically the frame of a fireplace), then put some tall candles and/or plants into the inside of it. If you also arrange a couple of pictures on top of it, it’ll easily be one of the favorite things about your house for both you and your guests. Are they cheap? No (you’ll probably have to cough up about three hundred bucks for a good one). Are they worth the investment? Absolutely.
Oh, and speaking of portable fireplaces, if you want to have your only lil’ mini bonfire this fall or winter season, I recently purchased a friend of mine some portable campfires (I’m telling you, Etsy is the ish!). They are the cutest tiny tins that you can light up and make s’mores or whatever else you want to do — whether inside or out. He adored them, and I’ll definitely be getting more. You can check out the ones that I purchased (that are made from organic soy and are totally reusable) here.
6. Invest in a Customized Whiskey Maker
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Something else that I got for that same friend was a customized whiskey maker. No, not one of those cocktail-making machines (that are actually pretty nice) that help you to be your own bartender at home. I mean those cute little sets that let you customize various flavors of whiskey by adding different herbs so that you can infuse them into some bourbon. Since fall tends to be the signature hot toddy season, why not have a set of your own in tow? The one I got was under forty bucks. You can check it out here.
7. Put Some Scented Pine Cones into a Basket
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Ain’t it wild how you can find yourself “mimicking” things from your childhood without initially realizing it? I used to wonder why I always had an affinity for pine cones; then, I remembered that my mother used to add them to the home aesthetic. I’m telling you, whether you purchase them already scented or you decide to create a scent and add them to some pine cones on your own (arts and crafts stores typically carry them, by the way), if you put a few into a wicker basket, they will have whatever room you place them in smelling wonderful, easily, throughout the entire holiday season. Plus, they will add a bit of nature to the inside of your house as well.
8. Get a Slipcover for Your Couch
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Have you been looking at your couch for the past six months like you want to toss it out of the window, but it’s just not in your budget to get a new one? Simple solution: a slipcover. You can totally change the look of your sofa without breaking the bank, and it’s just one more cost-effective way to switch up the look and feel of your home during this time of the year. The options are so vast that my two cents would be to put “couch slipcovers” in the search field of your favorite search engine to see which fabrics and designs tickle your fancy.
9. Install a Stained Glass Window
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Whether you want a bit more privacy or you simply want to get creative as far as window treatments go, hands down, one of the best ways to accomplish both missions is to purchase some stained glass window tint film (some companies call them “window clings”). They’re super inexpensive, relatively easy to install, can make a window look like authentic stained glass, and it’s pretty easy to remove as well, not to mention the fact that it makes it damn near impossible for people to look into the window once you add the film to it.
If you go to Amazon and put “stained glass window film” in the search field, you’ll see all kinds of options (design-wise) to choose from. A quick YouTube short can show you how to install the film yourself here.
10. Order Some Canvas Prints of Some of Your Favorite Pictures
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I grew up around some people who are world-renowned visual artists. A couple of them, I commissioned before they “hit it big”; others, I should’ve (le sigh). Anyway, until my budget says that I can afford one of their pieces, I am so into canvas prints. You can get a picture printed off that is damn near as big as half of one of your walls, and because it’s a literal canvas print, all you have to do is hang it. As I’m writing this, I’m looking at a Black print that I purchased digitally on Etsy that I blew up to what I think is 30” x 40”; it was less than sixty bucks. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
You can do the same with a print or some of your favorite pictures with some of your favorite people (black and white shots would probably look like sophisticated art, for real). The company that I went with is Canvas Champ (they were professional, affordable, and fast); there are plenty of other options online, though. Just put “canvas prints” in the search field to figure out which one will best suit your personal needs.
11. String Some Lights Somewhere
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Gone are the days when string lights were reserved only for Christmas trees. Personally, I’ve got a wall that has nothing but strings of fairy lights hanging from it, and I couldn’t be happier. Since it gets darker quicker during the fall season, that kind of makes us want to have softer/dimmer lighting, and fairy lights can provide that, especially if you want an “amplified version” of candlelight without the risk of you forgetting to blow your candles out. Hang them on the wall like I did, string them through your curtains and/or around your bedposts. I mean, you see the feature pic, right? Didn’t those fairy lights help to draw you right on in? Coziness on steroids, for sure.
12. Layer Some Throw Rugs
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I’ve always preferred hardwood floors over carpeted ones. That doesn’t mean I’m not good to throw down with a few throw rugs, though. On the practical tip, they can lower your heating bills because they provide what is known as “thermal resistance” (real talk). I also like the fact that they help to absorb noise. Visually, they can cozy up a space. If you’ve got kids or pets, rugs can make it safer for them to move about (as far as falling down is concerned, just make sure that you get a rug gripper to keep your rugs from moving all over the place so that they don’t trip on them). Plus, they’re easier and cheaper to clean than carpeted flooring, and you can swap out different ones to create a different feel and style whenever you want. Are you sold? Cool. When you gettin’ some then?
13. Consider Some Leather Accents
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If you’ve got hella bougie taste and your bank account doesn’t, something that you can do to make your home look more…let’s go with luxurious is to add some leather accents to it. Leather pillows. A leather round ottoman. A large leather basket. I recently stumbled upon some leather placements that I thought were pretty dope. What about a leather-wrapped vase for your favorite fall-season flowers? Listen, just like some expensive shoes can totally change the look and feel of a dress from Target, so can some leather accessories when it comes to your house.
14. Of Course, You Need Some Candles
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There probably won’t ever be a time when I’m writing a piece on how to improve the décor of your home (and honestly, the quality of your life, in my humble opinion) without bringing candles into the discourse. They create a warm feeling. They can be uber-romantic. Something about watching their flames flicker is very relaxing. And you can get scents that will make your entire house smell grand. Actually, one candle company is so into ‘em that they came up with 14 solid reasons to keep some candles in your home (you can read it here).
So, in the spirit of the autumn season, how about some autumn-themed soy (I’ll always say it: they burn cleaner and last longer) scented candles? Some of the same scents that I mentioned for the fabric spray you can find in candles too. Yeah, definitely, one of the most cost-effective ways to warm up a space is to add some candles to it.
15. Treat Yourself to a Down Comforter
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A top reason why you can’t go wrong with a down comforter is they can easily last you one to two decades (yes, literally). Hell, even a down alternative one can give you 10 good years if you take care of it properly. So, imagine how much longer you can get “mileage” out of that type of bedding if you swap two out twice a year (one for spring and summer and another for fall and winter)? See what I’m sayin’? Besides, down comforters are warm, super cozy, eco-friendly, and durable; and another word that’s used for them is “breathability.”
What that basically means is a down comforter is made out of the kind of material that allows your skin to literally…breathe. Ain’t nothin’ like a cozy bed to make you want to enjoy everything about this time of year — so treat yo’ self. As the temps drop, get some warmth indoors. The kind that you could customize to your very own liking. Enjoy!
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- 15 Décor Hacks That Can Help Your House To Welcome In The Fall Season ›
- 12 (Affordable) Ways To Make Your Bedroom More Tranquil & Beautiful ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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