Essence Atkins may be three decades into her career, but the Ambitions star doesn't take her long-standing success in Hollywood for granted. Though OWN's sizzling drama has approached its midseason finale, the veteran isn't pulling any breaks. "I'm on my way to acting class," she beams seconds into our call.
Essence may have landed a role on The Cosby Show after acing her first-ever audition as a teen and later became a familiar face on television as Yvette in the 90s sitcom Smart Guy, yet she doesn't move with an air of conceit. Her longevity is no mystery. She continues to approach the business as a student eager to grow and equipped to execute.
Best known for her work in comedy, the Marlon alum steps into unchartered territory on Ambitions, displaying another layer of her immense talent as Amara Hughes. Season one finds the assistant U.S. attorney tracking corruption in Atlanta's City Hall all while attempting to save her marriage after infidelity—a fight that takes a grim turn after an old foe and the sins of her past invade her world.
In this xoChat, Essence hints at what's to come when the OWN drama returns and bares her heart as she discusses finding balance between motherhood and career, giving herself permission to evolve past her mistakes, and tackling intimacy onscreen in her single season.
xoNecole: ‘Ambitions’ is a departure from what a lot of your fans know you for. What makes taking on this project both exciting and challenging?
Essence Atkins: The challenge, really for me, is being away from my son. We shot the show on location in Atlanta, so I was gone for seven months. I flew back and forth to be [in Los Angeles] as much as possible, and the production team was so amazing at making sure that I had pockets of time when I could come home. A one-hour drama schedule is so different. Doing a sitcom, the hours aren't so long. It's almost like having a 9 to 5 except for the days you shoot in front of a live audience. When I was shooting Marlon, it was a 15-minute drive from my house.
It was easier in terms of getting to work and the production side of it. What was so fun was exactly that: playing a character that so many people aren't used to seeing me play. Amara is way less together than most of them. As successful as she is, there are many aspects of her life that are a hot mess and in turmoil, and that was exhilarating for me to play someone who is so flawed, who has so many broken bits and so many pieces where she is so human. As I age and mature, I find that my life and complexities are much more interesting than when I was younger and the roles were more about being cute and fun and the object of someone's desire. Amara's story is really about her growth and pain, and I love that.
Something I imagine that bonds you to your character is family. Amara is working on preserving her marriage, and we also see how she grapples with her daughter being away at boarding school. What have you learned about yourself when trying to strike a balance between motherhood and the demands of your job?
I'm grateful to have a partner, even though we're not married any longer, who's supportive. My ex-husband is really involved and is a great parent to our son. I'm really fortunate that he works with me really well in terms of making sure that our son has stability and consistency even though my life isn't very stable. I know that a lot of single moms are truly doing it on their own, and I can say that I do have help, and I have help in someone who loves my son as much as I do. There's a lot of grace I have to give myself when I miss stuff. Being away from my son, I miss certain milestones and big moments in his life, and I can get buried in guilt sometimes about that.
At the same time, I understand that part of the benefit of my career and success is that it affords him a life that a lot of kids can't have in terms of extracurricular activities and access and the way he gets to do things and move in life. There are definitely moments where I beat myself up about not being able to be there physically, but I have also learned in this journey of being away from him, working on Ambitions in particular, how resilient he is and how okay he is. He did great in first grade, and I was gone for almost all of it. He finished with straight As on the principal's list, and he did exceedingly well. I think that, ultimately, kids are incredibly adaptable and as long as they know that they're loved, they really can flourish, and he knows that he's loved, and that was something that I was assured of in this season.
Essence Atkins in 'Ambitions'
Courtesy of OWN
"There's a lot of grace I have to give myself when I miss stuff. Being away from my son, I miss certain milestones and big moments in his life, and I can get buried in guilt sometimes about that."
[Your character in 'Ambitions'] Amara is really going through it right now. She’s determined to save her marriage, but just when her husband is ready to let go of her infidelity, her past literally shows up to haunt her. Where does she go from here?
There are so many question marks. The next seven episodes after the midseason finale are so action packed. As far as Amara goes, the one thing I can say is, she's going to go through it even more than she already has. You learn what a person is really about in times of great trouble, and how a person behaves in adversity is very indicative of who they are, so I think that people will really get to know and fall in love with Amara and what she's about. I also say when there's love, there is a possibility of resurrection. I believe that love and hope can really make miracles happen, and I believe that her and [her husband] Titus love each other.
When I look at Amara’s life, there are so many people reminding her of where she used to be. Has there ever been a time in your life when someone wouldn’t let go of their memory of you or afford you space to grow? If so, how did you overcome that?
Not that long ago, I had to let go of a long-term friend for that very reason because they were holding onto a grievance, something I had done that really hurt them, but it was from literally 30 years prior. I thought, 'If you're still holding onto this, I don't know how we can be friends because you somehow feel like I owe you something, and I feel like we've moved past that. I can't go back and erase what I did, but if you haven't forgiven me after all of this, then what is it that we're doing here?'
It was really painful to let go because it was a long-term friendship and somebody I still love to this day and wish them well. If people continue to hold on to who you used to be, you can stay stuck if you stay stuck to them. I have no desire to remain barred by who I used to be. I'm a product of my own evolution, and I work really hard on myself to improve myself and if that's not seen, then you're not looking at me anymore. You're looking at who I used to be.
Courtesy of OWN/Photographer: Peggy Sirota
"I have no desire to remain barred by who I used to be. I'm a product of my own evolution, and I work really hard on myself to improve myself and if that's not seen, then you're not looking at me anymore. You're looking at who I used to be."
You opened up about your divorce three years ago. When it comes to your personal life today, is romance a priority for you at the moment or has it taken a backseat?
It's taken a backseat big time. There's not a whole lot of opportunity for me to date. I definitely need someone who understands that I don't get to be spontaneous. I don't get to Netflix and chill. I have a son, I have a life, I have a career. There's a lot of moving pieces, so whoever I'm partnered with has to understand there are priorities and there are a lot of things to be considered in having time to spend together. It's not that I'm opposed to romance or partnership. I just don't prioritize it the way I did when I was single and didn't have a child (laughs). It's just a different dynamic. It would be nice. Somebody actually asked me the other day if I would get married again. I would like to think that I would get to a place where I would want to.
Even though romance isn’t centered in your life right now, it’s definitely centered in Amara’s. This series brings a lot of heat to the screen. How did you adjust to the amount of steamy scenes you have to take on?
Oh, honey. Prayer and squats (laughs). There's the outside confidence, which is just making sure that I feel good and look good to me and that I'm proud of how my body is and not feeling any kind of shame so I can be unabashed in that dynamic. But there's also the prayer aspect, which I really say honestly, because I don't have regular intimacy in my life and to go to set and kiss all day and be hugged up on somebody and then go to an empty apartment...there was a lot of pain in that for me because I'm pretending to be in love and have this great relationship but in real life, there's a deficit. The contrast of what was happening onscreen versus what was happening in real life was glaring at times. You make out all day, but in real life the only people kissing you are being paid to do so, and that can be excruciatingly ouch (laughs). I have incredible friends who get it. When you're talking about whatever your obstacles or problems are, you want people who are going to encourage you but who also aren't going to dismiss it. There's sadness in that, and the people in my life get that.
"There was a lot of pain in that for me because I'm pretending to be in love and have this great relationship but in real life, there's a deficit. The contrast of what was happening onscreen versus what was happening in real life was glaring at times."
Aside from stretching your talent on ‘Ambitions’, you’ve set your eyes on producing and expanding as a creative all around. When you look ahead, what are you most excited about?
I just produced an independent feature called Open along with my friends Terri Vaughn and Cas Sigers who have a production company in Atlanta called Nina Holiday. It's about a couple in an open marriage, and I'm really excited about that. We just started putting together a rough edit, and it'll be coming out next year. I also starred in the project. I'm looking forward to not just being in front of the camera, but bringing things to life that my friends are the leading ladies and men of. Success to me is not just about me and what I'm doing. Success to me is about the opportunities that I help create for others that deserve it.
For more Essence, follow her on Instagram. And be sure to catch the midseason finale of Ambitions tonight (August 27) on OWN at 10 p.m. ET/PT.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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At the same time, though, it’s one thing to age; however, it’s another thing, entirely, to prematurely age — and that is what we are going to get into today: things that you can find yourself doing that can rush the season that you are supposed to actually be in as far as aging is concerned. And one of those things includes the kind of relationships that you choose to get (or remain) in.
Are you ready to learn how to choose wisely as far as your aging seasons go? Wonderful.
Things That Naturally Speed Up the Aging Process Overall
The reason why I am starting this off with a clip from the podcast ReLiving Single is because, if there is one person who I think is aging so beautifully and gracefully, it’s Queen Latifah. Personally, I like that she isn’t trying to look half her age and yet she still looks really, really good.
I’d venture to say that a part of the reason why is that she really does seem to “stay out the way” as far as dramatic celebrity culture goes which definitely can make one’s life less stressful — and there is quite a bit of proof that the less stressed out you are, the more you are able to slow down the aging process (more on that in just a bit). So, salute to you you, Queen. Salute, indeed.
Other than stress, you know what other things can speed up the (physical) aging process:
- Eating processed foods
- Wearing too much eye make-up (all of the time) and/or sleeping in your cosmetics
- Drinking out of straw (too often)
- Consuming too much coffee
- Not taking care of your teeth
- Not getting enough exercise
- Being consumed with/by negativity
- Stressing out your nervous system by being on your devices all of the time
- NOT PRIORITIZING REST
- Not having a quality social life
That last one? Watch how I connect the dots between it and the kind of friendships that you have. Because the reality is that if your relationships are causing stress, drama and/or trauma, are making you feel lonely rather than supported and/or they have you out here doing most of the work just to keep them going, that is absolutely going to age you, physically, mentally and emotionally, far faster than you should be aging.
How Friendships Impact How You Age
GiphyA couple of years ago, the American Psychological Association published an article entitled, “The science of why friendships keep us healthy.” The CliffsNotes are this: according to science, individuals who have HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS report being more satisfied with their lives, are less likely to deal with depression and, physically, they are diagnosed with less diseases and end up living longer overall as well. In fact, it goes on to say that those who have no genuine friendships or poor quality ones are twice as likely to die prematurely.
A part of the reason is because good friendships equate to experiencing less stress which means that our health is in better condition, along with our brain. On the cognitive tip, that’s good to know because these types of relationships also motivate and inspire us to make plans, set goals and to become better people overall.
And that is why friendships can absolutely affect how you age as an individual. Yep, according to science, when your friendships are solid, intact and consistently that way, it can literally slow down your biological clock in the sense of your system experiencing less chronic inflammation (which can lead to diseases) and your cortisol levels being lower.
You know, I’ve written articles in the past that feature warning signs of having unhealthy friendships in your midst. Some of them include “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend,” “Why Friendships Should Come With Deal-Breakers Too,” “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One,” “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You” and, as you can see, to be in a relationship with someone who really isn’t good for your mind and/or body and/or spirit?
Not only could it literally be putting your mental health and emotional well-being on the line, it could actually cut your life short too. And who in the world is possibly worth risking that? NO ONE.
Circling back to the ReLiving Single podcast, everyone appears to still be friends; they also seem to be thriving in their own special and distinctive ways as well. That is the goal that we all should have in our own friendship dynamics, don’t you think? Not either/or. BOTH.
So, in honor of aging wisely, well and gracefully as far as your own friendships are concerned, I’ve got a few tips to keep your own friendships on track.
5 Tips for Choosing Friends Who Keep You “Youthful”
GiphyFashion designer Karl Lagerfeld once said, “Youthfulness is about how you live, not when you were born” and when I think about synonyms for youthful like active, fresh, keen, vigorous and buoyant, I would absolutely have to agree.
So, how do you go about selecting friends who can help to keep you in this type of youthful head and heart space?
1. Cultivate friendships where you feel safe. Because several things about my childhood were unsafe, I spent many years selecting friends who were the same — and that will absolutely stress you TF out. At the end of the day, being in safe friendships is all about surrounding yourself with individuals who you can trust, who help you to feel secure while in and out of their space and who don’t come with a lot of emotional or relational risk. If you need some help figure out what that looks out, read Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. It never disappoints.
2. Hang around people who don’t stress you out. Aight, you already saw that stress ain’t good — so definitely avoid people who are stressful — who are always in some drama; who never takes accountability; who like to play the victim; who constantly gaslight and deflect; who are unreliable and/or inconsistent; who take more than they give; who talk more than they listen — you get where I’m going. The reality is a lot of serious health-related issues (like heart disease, depression, headaches, weight gain, strokes and insomnia) are directly connected to stress. That said, always remember that friendships are supposed to enhance your life. If you’re not feeling your best because of some “friend”? It’s time to do some serious reevaluating. Your health depends on it. LITERALLY.
3. Spend time with friends who hold you accountable. Want to know another sign of a toxic friend: they don’t want to be held accountable and/or they don’t want to hold you accountable. Whew, I am so sick of people living by the totally f’ed up motto that if someone is their friend, they should back them no matter how ridiculous their choices may be. Nah, if something is going to cause hurt, harm or danger — you are a horrible friend to cheer that stuff on and/or they are a horrible friend to back you in your toxic decisions. Love means telling people things that they don’t want to hear sometimes in order for them to dodge foolishness. Mature and healthy friendships know this to be true.
4. Commit to friends where mutual reciprocity is evident. Back when my house burned down and I was trying to find a new place to stay, a friend of mine gave me some real money to put towards my down payment (because I also lost one of my main-paying gigs a month later). Fast forward to this year and she was in a bind, so I gave her some real money to bankroll a project. THAT’S WHAT RECIPROCITY LOOKS AND LIVES LIKE. A part of the reason why good friendships slow down aging is because they help us out in times of need so that we don’t feel like we are out here alone. That said, if you’re wondering if your friendships are worth a damn, ponder if you can consistently rely on each other; even if/when it’s (sometimes) inconvenient to do so (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”).
5. Surround yourself with friends who celebrate you. Question: Do your friends CELEBRATE you? Believe it or not, that is another way that they can play a role in you aging gracefully. That’s because, according to science, celebratory activities can reduce your stress levels, help to put/keep you in a good mood, prevent loneliness and isolation and make you feel like you are a priority in the lives of others. Think about the last time your friends made a big deal outta you? It will reveal quite a bit.
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Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with aging. Case in point, every day, someone doesn’t make it to the age that you currently are — and that’s real. Just make sure that you aren’t doing things that “age you” before your time. This includes choosing friendships that put frown lines on your face instead of laugh ones.
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