Woman To Woman: Everything You Missed On 'Ambitions' Episode 2
Goodness, y'all. We're only on the second episode and my head is already spinning! Ambitions may technically be categorized as a ''nighttime soap" but back in my The Young and the Restless watchin' days (RIP Kristoff St. John), I was able to go weeks, months even, without watching it and still be able to keep up.This? I'm darn near scared to go to the bathroom during commercial breaks; that's how fast it moves.
OK, so let's do a recap of last night, shall we?
Evan & Bella
Erica Page as Bella
OWN
It picks up with Rondell, her (and Evan's) father, Senior and Bella's mom, Inez telling the police what happened when a goon broke into the restaurant with a bat and threatened Rondell by saying, "You know what time it is, bitch!" (That stood out to me because Rondell kept bringing it up.) Senior's shotgun is what ran dude off. Senior was still holding it in the police's presence. Who sent the goon? Sit on that for a sec. I'll be back.
While Senior and Rondell were semi-freaking out, Evan was in bed with Bella. Hmph. A guy I know once told me, "If you're gonna cheat, cheat with someone who has more to lose than you do." Yeah well, if that memo was on Evan's desk, he overlooked it because while he was sleeping, Bella was taking all kinds of pics of him and his, well, you know. She even used her phone to videotape them gettin' it in. Clearly, she doesn't have more to lose than Mr. Mayor does if—which really means when—he gets exposed. SMDH.
Titus & Amara
Meanwhile, over at Titus and Amara's house, Titus tried to convince his wife that he no longer has feelings for Stephanie. If you watched the first episode, you know that couldn't be further from the truth. Sidebar—Am I the only one who is trying to figure out how two married lawyers—Evan and Stephanie and Titus and Amara—can fully trust each other? They convince people to think how they want them to for a living.
Anyway, cutting back to Evan and Bella and here he goes having the nerve to be jealous about her having a relationship with Roderick. As he was letting the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head, I think what stood out to me most was, "The thought of you together makes me almost not want to touch you." Uh-huh. Almost but not quite. Less than a minute later, he's taking his clothes off again when he should be heading home…to his wife.
Stephanie & Evan
Robin Givens as Stephanie Carlisle and Brian J. White as Evan Lancaster
Ambitions/OWN
And what is Stephanie doing while all of this is going on? She runs by her mom—and dad's—house real quick to vent about not feeling appreciated by her father. Her mom basically co-signs by admitting that she wishes there had been "less Stephen and more Irene" in the marriage.
What does Stephanie get out of her mom's pearls of wisdom? Apparently to be reckless because she texts Titus. And who ends up reading it (how come no one seems to wake up when their partner uses their finger to unlock their phone?!)? You already know. Stephanie's ex-bestie and soror sister, Amara.
After what seems like a pretty long night for everyone, Evan and Stephanie begin a new day at their dining room table. It's weird because although they don't seem to be in love, they do seem to be genuine friends; at least up to a certain point. For most of the meal, things seem cordial, endearing even at times, until Evan gets up to leave and Stephanie says, "You've been putting in a lot of late nights lately. I'm not the only one who's been noticing" to which Evan replies, "You mean Saturday night? The same night you put a gun to my head?" (Checkmate.) Stephanie ignores his question and simply warns him not to disrespect her. Umm, I guess she means, anymore.
Evan, Stephanie & Amara
Essence Atkins as Amara
OWN
With political power comes enemies and Evan's got plenty of them. One is a man by the name of Councilman Kent Hamilton. As a prosecutor for the Department of Justice, Amara goes to meet with the councilman to see what he knows about certain shady dealings involving the mayor. He tells her that if she wants the dirt on Evan, she should—and I quote—"Talk to his mistress." Evan's mistress, that is. Messy, messy. No wonder Inez (Bella's mom) keeps trying to get her daughter to end her affair.
Back at Evan's office, he's just receiving the news about what happened at Thelma's Place. In between flirting with a blonde there (how many mistresses does he have? Hmm…) and planning his day, he finds the time to head off to see how he can help. Or further mess things up. It all depends on how you look at it, I guess. Once Evan arrives and he hears what went down, although Rondell is convinced that Greg Peters was behind the attack, Evan doesn't agree. He's right to think that. We'll come back to this in just a moment.
Lawd, lawd. Stephanie and Amara. Is it a shocker that, as Stephanie is hoping to meet up with Titus for lunch, Amara is who shows up? Oh, how I adore the subtle nuances of Black television shows. As Amara reminds Stephanie who Titus belongs to ("Who's fighting? Titus is mine.") Stephanie calmly claps back with "What is this? The old Brandy and Monica song?" (#cute) They go back and forth about who betrayed whom, then Amara lays down the law about Stephanie needing to keep her text fingers—and everything else—to herself. Good luck with that, sis.
Bella, Rondell & Evan
It's the middle of the day by now and, of course, Bella's out doing something for Bella. This time, it's a photo shoot for her fashion line Bella True. Problem is, she's in the park without a learning permit, so a cop is giving her a hard time about it. She calls Evan to handle it but—surprise, surprise—as the mayor of Atlanta and not her husband, he's tied up. She does the next best thing and uses Roderick's clout to help her out.
At the restaurant, Rondell is flirting with Councilman Hamilton who happens to just "drop by". Yep, the same guy who told Amara that Evan is cheating on Stephanie is who's winking at Evan's sister. Since he's over Rondell's mama's restaurant (district-wise), he works with her to come up with a plan to keep gentrification at bay. It doesn't seem like anyone on this show has pure intentions, though so, we'll see what he really wants. Other than to get underneath Evan's skin and a piece of Rondell's pie. (Take that how you will.)
The anger that Evan has towards Bella, he takes out on his in-laws. He believes that his father-in-law, Stephen, is the one who sent the goon to the restaurant but—gasp!—it is actually his mother-in-law, Irene. Her motive? To pressure Rondell to sell. Ugly.
I'm not sure when Stephanie actually does her job because after lunch, a man by the name of Nick comes into her office to let her know that he's got some dirt on Mr. and Mrs. Hughes. Actually, only Amara. Now Stephanie knows that Amara had an affair with her co-worker Damien Collins in the midst of getting a raise and promotion back when she was living in Birmingham. Ammo. BIG TIME.
Back to Bella. While she's thanking Roderick for helping her spoiled and entitled behind (I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?), who shows up? Evan. Who's pissed to see her with Roderick? Evan. Who gets super-duper petty and invites Roderick to be a part of a city-wide campaign while not inviting Bella because she's not popular enough (yet)? Evan. Evan, Evan, Evan. Y'all know that Evan and Bella are not gonna end well…right?
I don't care if it's this season or five seasons from now, there's more passion than love between those two and too much passion without enough caring can get somebody humiliated or killed. Time will reveal.
After a long day's work (and dishing out vile threats), Amara comes home to Titus cooking. She lets him know that she met with Stephanie. Titus is still trying to convince the both of them that Stephanie won't be a problem. Denial is dangerous.
This episode closes out with Rondell asking the community to come together to join N.A.G—Neighbors Against Gentrification. Oh, and Evan bringing Bella's son—who calls him "Mr. Evan"—a toy. Only—dun, dun, dun, dun—the little boy is his son too. Chile, chile, chile.
Can I finally go to the bathroom now?
Catch up on all the intrigue of Ambitions every Tuesday night on OWN.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images