

12 Women Share What They Wish They Knew About Marriage Before Doing It
I believe I’ve shared before that whenever someone tells me that they’re getting married, the first thing that I will say isn’t “congrats.” Nah, the counselor in me automatically goes to “Why?” And why is that? Basically, it’s because you’d be amazed how many people haven’t thought about it beyond they love someone and/or they’re tired of being alone and/or he asked, and/or their clock is ticking. And I mean that literally.
Listen, I don’t want to spend a ton of time in the intro addressing the fact that “knowing your why” is the one-millionth reason why you should get yourself into some pretty thorough premarital counseling prior to jumping anybody’s broom. That said, if you’re engaged, let me do you a solid by providing a link (here) to 200 random questions that you and your fiancé should ask each other beforehand.
Because as you’re about to see, thanks to the insightfulness and candidness of the 12 Black wives, no matter how much you love a person, in order to keep a marriage going long, strong, and healthy as possible, it requires a lot — and I do mean A LOT — more than emotional sentiments. And the more that you’re prepared on the front end? Sis, the far better. I can guarantee you that.
That said, here is what some wives (middle or maiden names were used) told me they wished they either knew or took more seriously before saying “I do.”
1. Naima. 27. Married Two Years.
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“I wish I knew how much I would grieve my single life. Don’t get me wrong, I truly love my husband and marriage has some strong perks but there are certain things about being single that are incomparable: sleeping on your entire bed, doing whatever whenever without running it by someone else, not having to compromise holidays due to extended family members, making purchases whenever I feel like it, talking to my girls all hours of the night, changing my mind on a whim without worrying if I’m going to piss somebody off — yeah, those were the days. If you are single, don’t let anyone tell you that marriage is better. Nah, marriage is just…different.”
2. Rowan. 33. Married Five Years.
“Don’t make light of differing spiritual views. I do data research for a living, so I know that interfaith marriages are on the rise but I’m here to tell you that it can make your life complicated in ways that you wouldn’t expect — even when you and your husband are the same religion but a different denomination. It can cause issues when it comes to ‘simple’ things like where to go to church to bigger things like how you interpret Scripture, your approach to certain holidays, and definitely child-rearing. I’m not saying don’t do it; all I’m saying is don’t make light of it. It’s bigger than you probably think.”
3. Wilson (Maiden Name). 40. Married 12 Years.
“I wish I realized how much how you live your life was such a big deal. Something as simple as how he loads the dishwasher vs. how you do it can cause you to want to divorce a ninja after about six months and I’m not exaggerating."
"Marriage isn’t just about loving someone; it’s about doing life with another person for a really long time. Hell, even if you stay together for only 10 years, 10 years of the bed not being made a certain way or the tub not being cleaned in the way that you like it is low-key Chinese water torture. Definitely discuss daily life things and your approach to them. If more did, they would probably stay out of divorce court.”
4. Rayhel. 25. Married Six Months.
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“Sex changes after marriage. I’ve only been married for a few months and I’ve noticed this. When you live with someone and you learn more than you ever have, it can take a while to adjust, so that sex can stay sexy. The intimacy level gets better, it's just that…s-it gets real after saying ‘I do.’ Just doing his laundry and him adjusting to your period alone. Whew."
5. Anderson (Maiden Name). 30. Married Four Years.
“Mood swings. Look, they always talk about how we have them and we do, but men can be moody as hell too. And it’s really bad when both of you are ‘feeling some type of way’ at the same time. When we’ve got an attitude, we will want to talk. When men do, they will give you the silent treatment. All that does is trigger us — and now everybody is BIG mad. You know how they say that the first few months of dating, you are dating the representative? It’s more like, it’s not until you come home from your honeymoon that you both ‘loosen your belt’ and let it all hang out — nastiness and all. Be prepared for that.”
6. Kolette. 35. Married Five Years.
“Discuss priorities. As many as possible. When does he want to have kids vs. when you do? How much does he like to have sex vs. how much you do? Which holiday is a bigger deal to him than you? Who prefers to decorate the house vs. who prefers to travel this year? It’s unrealistic to think that just because someone loves you that they’re going to automatically think that what you think is important is important. My husband and I communicate ‘order of importance’ about things on a weekly basis. It has made things a lot easier because our first year was something else.”
7. Vella. 46. Married 17 Years.
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“Dr. Myles Munroe used to talk often about how men don’t just want sex, they need it. When you’re married to a Black man, don’t underestimate that because it’s hard enough for them out here. When they come home and want to be with you — the affection, the vulnerability, the acceptance and feeling desired, the intimacy, the stress release…all of these things are paramount for them. Singles are so recreational about sex that when they get married, they can become really self-centered and almost rude with their partner in the bedroom. If you don’t want to prioritize sex on a consistent basis, stay single, where all you have to concern yourself with is yourself.”
8. Aria. 42. Married One Year.
“It might sound weird but how you define ‘Blackness’ is a big one. It affects how you see things politically, religiously, and even down when it comes to things like what you watch on television or how you approach style and fashion."
"For instance, my man hates reality television because he thinks that a lot of it is anti-Black while I just think it’s entertaining and he definitely prefers when I wear my natural hair as opposed to wigs. It’s not that big of a deal but for some women, it could be. Just don’t assume that because the both of you say that you’re ‘pro-Black’ that you’re exactly on the same page about it.”
9. Tabitha. 29. Married Three Years.
“Marriage requires you to grow TF up! Your husband is someone who holds you accountable to your s-it on a daily basis and honestly, that can get annoying as hell. When you’re single, you can deal with people when you feel like it, and when you know that you’re showing out, being ridiculous, or acting immature, you can just go home and shut your phone off. Hmph. Lucky you because, when I come home if I’m acting crazy, someone is calling me out on it with the quickness. My husband and I talk about the fact that nothing will mature you like marriage does because it’s like you’ve got a hall monitor who you sleep with living with you 24/7. Someone shoulda prepared me for that damn s-it. S-it.”
10. Davis (Maiden Name). 30. Married Eight Months.
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“I wish I had known how much my boundaries were going to have to change after marriage. In just a short amount of time, I’ve realized that if I want my relationship to go the distance, I’ve gotta watch who I say what to. Some single women are jealous. Some family members are bitter. Some church ladies don’t have a clue. Just make sure that you get the right opinions because you don’t want so many voices in your head that you can’t hear your own or the one who you’re actually married to.”
11. Haven. 35. Married Nine Years.
“I wish I knew about how much our purposes needed to be aligned — not that we needed to be in the same fields but that they needed to complement each other. I am a visual artist and everything from my working random hours, sometimes touring and income being very ‘feast or famine’ tends to, it can butt heads with my accountant husband who has a pretty regimented and predictable schedule and payday. Over the years, we’ve figured out how to make it work but it’s required A LOT of compromise and flexibility on both of your parts. Just make sure that the two of you talk about your purpose and your plans and goals surrounding each of them. You need to be with someone who can support it or life is going to be very difficult — no matter how much you love them.”
12. Irys. 50. Married 27 Years.
“You better marry your friend because you need to be with someone you like. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who you trust more than anyone else. Someone who you can have a good time with under any conditions. Y’all are out here looking for a rich man who can turn you out and I’m telling you that after a while, both of those things can get old if you’re not with your bestie. I love my husband, he’s a great provider and the sex is amazing but us being friends is what’s gotten us through and he’ll say the same thing.”
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See…I told you. This is great marital insight for days and hopefully, it’s also a gentle nudge to speak to some healthy (healthy is key!) married folks you know — especially if you are considering getting married in the near future. Because as basically all of these women stated: marriage is a beautiful thing; it’s also no joke and something to be as prepared for as possible. Please take that heed very seriously — for your, your partner, and your marriage’s sake. Amen? Awesome.
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- 10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood ›
- 10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating ›
- 10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About "Married Sex" ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and felt so deeply connected to them? Everything about the relationship was intense – good or bad? Then you might be in a part of a soul tie.
The concept of a soul tie binds individuals on a level beyond a relationship's physical and emotional aspects; it’s more than a mere connection. You can form a soul tie with anyone – lover, friend, colleague, etc.- but we are discussing romantic partners for this article. Think of you and your partner as an intensely burning flame. The flame can burn passionately to light the relationship’s way or chaotically burn everything in its path. Either way, it leaves an indelible mark on the souls involved.
A soul tie should not be confused with the term “soulmate.” The main difference is that a soul tie can be positive or negative, while a soulmate is a mutual, harmonious connection. Unlike a soul tie, a soulmate relationship is generally characterized by mutual understanding, support, and shared values.
However, the more we learn about soul ties, the more it becomes evident that they are not monolithic; they vary in nature and intensity. As someone who has experienced a negative soul tie, it is crucial to discern whether they contribute positively to personal growth or hinder you from flourishing.
If Your Soul Tie Is Positive
A positive soul tie creates a deep and affirming connection between individuals. One key indicator of a positive soul tie is effective communication. If you’re experiencing a positive soul tie, a shared understanding fosters open and honest dialogue, contributing to a sense of connection and support.
Mutual growth is another hallmark of a positive soul tie. When individuals in a relationship encourage each other's personal development and evolution, it signifies a positive and uplifting connection. This mutual support leads to an environment where both parties can thrive individually and together, contributing to the overall health of the soul tie.
Emotional security is a crucial element in identifying a positive soul tie. In such connections, individuals feel a deep sense of trust and comfort with each other. This emotional security forms a stable foundation for the relationship, allowing both parties to express vulnerability and foster a strong, positive bond. These three indicators—effective communication, mutual growth, and emotional security—underscore the positivity inherent in a healthy and affirming soul tie.
If Your Soul Tie Is Negative
A negative soul tie manifests as a detrimental and draining connection between individuals. One clear sign of a negative soul tie is the presence of emotional turmoilwithin the relationship. When the connection becomes a source of constant distress, causing emotional upheaval and hindering personal development, it indicates a negative soul tie.
Codependency is another red flag for a negative soul tie. In such connections, individuals may become overly reliant on each other, impeding their ability to thrive independently. Codependency often leads to unhealthy dependencies and can result in a toxic dynamic that hinders both individuals' growth and well-being.
A lack of effective communication is a third indicator of a negative soul tie. When there is a breakdown in communication, misunderstandings and unresolved issues can fester, contributing to a strained and unhealthy connection. In negative soul ties, the absence of open and honest dialogue can perpetuate a cycle of negativity and prevent the resolution of underlying issues. These three indicators—emotional turmoil, codependency, and poor communication—point to the negativity associated with an unhealthy soul tie.
Putting Out The Fires And Breaking Your Soul Tie
Unfortunately, my deep, intense connection only caused destruction. And despite the obvious red flags, it took a minute before I broke the connection. Why? Because I was addicted to the relationship, we both were. But it is possible to break a soul tie if and when you are ready because if you are not, pretending you are when you are not is a waste of your time.
Breaking a soul tie requires intentional and purposeful actions. Establishing clear and firm boundaries is a fundamental step in severing the connection. By limiting contact and emotional engagement with the person involved, individuals can gradually weaken the tie and create space for personal growth.
Seeking professional support is another effective strategy to break a soul tie. Guidance from therapists or counselors provides valuable insights and coping strategies. Professional assistance can help individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with breaking a soul tie, offering a structured and supportive environment for healing.
Redirecting energy toward personal growth is important in breaking free from a soul tie. Engaging in activities that promote individual well-being and create a sense of independence allows individuals to refocus their attention on their own growth and development. This redirection of energy is essential for breaking the emotional bonds of a soul tie and moving towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
The last step I advise everyone to go through is the mourning period. My partner and I did our song and dance for years before I walked away. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that I mourned our relationship while I healed.
Recognizing the presence and nature of a soul tie in your relationship is crucial to understanding its impact on your well-being. Whether positive or negative, the intensity of a soul tie can shape the course of your personal growth and happiness. Breaking free from a negative soul tie demands intentional efforts, from setting clear boundaries to seeking professional support. Redirecting energy toward personal growth and allowing oneself a necessary mourning period are vital steps toward healing and liberation from the intricate ties that bind.
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