I believe I’ve shared before that whenever someone tells me that they’re getting married, the first thing that I will say isn’t “congrats.” Nah, the counselor in me automatically goes to “Why?” And why is that? Basically, it’s because you’d be amazed how many people haven’t thought about it beyond they love someone and/or they’re tired of being alone and/or he asked, and/or their clock is ticking. And I mean that literally.
Listen, I don’t want to spend a ton of time in the intro addressing the fact that “knowing your why” is the one-millionth reason why you should get yourself into some pretty thorough premarital counseling prior to jumping anybody’s broom. That said, if you’re engaged, let me do you a solid by providing a link (here) to 200 random questions that you and your fiancé should ask each other beforehand.
Because as you’re about to see, thanks to the insightfulness and candidness of the 12 Black wives, no matter how much you love a person, in order to keep a marriage going long, strong, and healthy as possible, it requires a lot — and I do mean A LOT — more than emotional sentiments. And the more that you’re prepared on the front end? Sis, the far better. I can guarantee you that.
That said, here is what some wives (middle or maiden names were used) told me they wished they either knew or took more seriously before saying “I do.”
1. Naima. 27. Married Two Years.
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“I wish I knew how much I would grieve my single life. Don’t get me wrong, I truly love my husband and marriage has some strong perks but there are certain things about being single that are incomparable: sleeping on your entire bed, doing whatever whenever without running it by someone else, not having to compromise holidays due to extended family members, making purchases whenever I feel like it, talking to my girls all hours of the night, changing my mind on a whim without worrying if I’m going to piss somebody off — yeah, those were the days. If you are single, don’t let anyone tell you that marriage is better. Nah, marriage is just…different.”
2. Rowan. 33. Married Five Years.
“Don’t make light of differing spiritual views. I do data research for a living, so I know that interfaith marriages are on the rise but I’m here to tell you that it can make your life complicated in ways that you wouldn’t expect — even when you and your husband are the same religion but a different denomination. It can cause issues when it comes to ‘simple’ things like where to go to church to bigger things like how you interpret Scripture, your approach to certain holidays, and definitely child-rearing. I’m not saying don’t do it; all I’m saying is don’t make light of it. It’s bigger than you probably think.”
3. Wilson (Maiden Name). 40. Married 12 Years.
“I wish I realized how much how you live your life was such a big deal. Something as simple as how he loads the dishwasher vs. how you do it can cause you to want to divorce a ninja after about six months and I’m not exaggerating."
"Marriage isn’t just about loving someone; it’s about doing life with another person for a really long time. Hell, even if you stay together for only 10 years, 10 years of the bed not being made a certain way or the tub not being cleaned in the way that you like it is low-key Chinese water torture. Definitely discuss daily life things and your approach to them. If more did, they would probably stay out of divorce court.”
4. Rayhel. 25. Married Six Months.
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“Sex changes after marriage. I’ve only been married for a few months and I’ve noticed this. When you live with someone and you learn more than you ever have, it can take a while to adjust, so that sex can stay sexy. The intimacy level gets better, it's just that…s-it gets real after saying ‘I do.’ Just doing his laundry and him adjusting to your period alone. Whew."
5. Anderson (Maiden Name). 30. Married Four Years.
“Mood swings. Look, they always talk about how we have them and we do, but men can be moody as hell too. And it’s really bad when both of you are ‘feeling some type of way’ at the same time. When we’ve got an attitude, we will want to talk. When men do, they will give you the silent treatment. All that does is trigger us — and now everybody is BIG mad. You know how they say that the first few months of dating, you are dating the representative? It’s more like, it’s not until you come home from your honeymoon that you both ‘loosen your belt’ and let it all hang out — nastiness and all. Be prepared for that.”
6. Kolette. 35. Married Five Years.
“Discuss priorities. As many as possible. When does he want to have kids vs. when you do? How much does he like to have sex vs. how much you do? Which holiday is a bigger deal to him than you? Who prefers to decorate the house vs. who prefers to travel this year? It’s unrealistic to think that just because someone loves you that they’re going to automatically think that what you think is important is important. My husband and I communicate ‘order of importance’ about things on a weekly basis. It has made things a lot easier because our first year was something else.”
7. Vella. 46. Married 17 Years.
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“Dr. Myles Munroe used to talk often about how men don’t just want sex, they need it. When you’re married to a Black man, don’t underestimate that because it’s hard enough for them out here. When they come home and want to be with you — the affection, the vulnerability, the acceptance and feeling desired, the intimacy, the stress release…all of these things are paramount for them. Singles are so recreational about sex that when they get married, they can become really self-centered and almost rude with their partner in the bedroom. If you don’t want to prioritize sex on a consistent basis, stay single, where all you have to concern yourself with is yourself.”
8. Aria. 42. Married One Year.
“It might sound weird but how you define ‘Blackness’ is a big one. It affects how you see things politically, religiously, and even down when it comes to things like what you watch on television or how you approach style and fashion."
"For instance, my man hates reality television because he thinks that a lot of it is anti-Black while I just think it’s entertaining and he definitely prefers when I wear my natural hair as opposed to wigs. It’s not that big of a deal but for some women, it could be. Just don’t assume that because the both of you say that you’re ‘pro-Black’ that you’re exactly on the same page about it.”
9. Tabitha. 29. Married Three Years.
“Marriage requires you to grow TF up! Your husband is someone who holds you accountable to your s-it on a daily basis and honestly, that can get annoying as hell. When you’re single, you can deal with people when you feel like it, and when you know that you’re showing out, being ridiculous, or acting immature, you can just go home and shut your phone off. Hmph. Lucky you because, when I come home if I’m acting crazy, someone is calling me out on it with the quickness. My husband and I talk about the fact that nothing will mature you like marriage does because it’s like you’ve got a hall monitor who you sleep with living with you 24/7. Someone shoulda prepared me for that damn s-it. S-it.”
10. Davis (Maiden Name). 30. Married Eight Months.
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“I wish I had known how much my boundaries were going to have to change after marriage. In just a short amount of time, I’ve realized that if I want my relationship to go the distance, I’ve gotta watch who I say what to. Some single women are jealous. Some family members are bitter. Some church ladies don’t have a clue. Just make sure that you get the right opinions because you don’t want so many voices in your head that you can’t hear your own or the one who you’re actually married to.”
11. Haven. 35. Married Nine Years.
“I wish I knew about how much our purposes needed to be aligned — not that we needed to be in the same fields but that they needed to complement each other. I am a visual artist and everything from my working random hours, sometimes touring and income being very ‘feast or famine’ tends to, it can butt heads with my accountant husband who has a pretty regimented and predictable schedule and payday. Over the years, we’ve figured out how to make it work but it’s required A LOT of compromise and flexibility on both of your parts. Just make sure that the two of you talk about your purpose and your plans and goals surrounding each of them. You need to be with someone who can support it or life is going to be very difficult — no matter how much you love them.”
12. Irys. 50. Married 27 Years.
“You better marry your friend because you need to be with someone you like. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who you trust more than anyone else. Someone who you can have a good time with under any conditions. Y’all are out here looking for a rich man who can turn you out and I’m telling you that after a while, both of those things can get old if you’re not with your bestie. I love my husband, he’s a great provider and the sex is amazing but us being friends is what’s gotten us through and he’ll say the same thing.”
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See…I told you. This is great marital insight for days and hopefully, it’s also a gentle nudge to speak to some healthy (healthy is key!) married folks you know — especially if you are considering getting married in the near future. Because as basically all of these women stated: marriage is a beautiful thing; it’s also no joke and something to be as prepared for as possible. Please take that heed very seriously — for your, your partner, and your marriage’s sake. Amen? Awesome.
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A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
Fast forward to today — le sigh — and while the tradition isn’t really upheld anymore, in my opinion, perhaps it should be. I say that because, did you know that, when it comes to wedding night copulation, less than 40 percent of couples make that a priority these days?
And while, on the surface, that might not seem that much of a big deal, if you sit tight, I’m going to explain to you why, as a marriage life coach for over 20 years at this point, I 1000 percent believe that it is — a much bigger deal than many people would ever imagine.
Keeping yichud in mind, let me first take a moment to break down why you should consummate your marriage as soon as possible following your wedding; then I will follow that up with providing a few hacks to make sure that you have the mind, body, and spirit to actually do so.
Remember What “Consummate” Means
GiphyLet’s start off with what the word “consummate” actually means. You know, the same way that it irritates me when people who are dating say that they are monogamous instead of exclusive (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), it also low-key irritates me when unmarried people who have sex for the first time say that they “consummated” their relationship. Why? Because consummate has specific meanings, and that ain’t one of them.
To consummate actually means “to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse.” Back in ancient Jewish times, this was a really big deal because, more times than not, the couple was having sex for the very first time with one another (oftentimes, it was their first time being alone together as well).
These days, it’s been reported that only 10 percent of men and seven percent of women between the ages of 22-34 are still virgins; however, even if you’re not a virgin and shoot, even if your wedding night isn’t the first time that you’re having sex with your partner, the word “consummate” still applies because it’s the first time that you will be having sex with him as your husband and you as his wife — which is still a different kind of intimacy (check out “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex'”).
I say that because…do you know what else consummate means? It means “to complete (an arrangement, agreement, or the like) by a pledge or the signing of a contract” and “to bring to a state of perfection; fulfill.” In other words, saying your vows isn’t what fully completes your wedding day — consummating your marriage is.
Let’s keep going…
Prioritize “Completion”
GiphyOkay, so by the literal definitions of consummate, a husband and a wife complete their union of marriage by having sex. By doing that, it brings their new kind of relationship into a state of perfection and fulfillment. It also makes their formal marriage arrangement complete. That is how important consummating your marital union is — so, why in the world would you not want to prioritize that?
Especially when you stop to think about the fact that complete means things like “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full”, “finished; ended; concluded,” “having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like; consummate; perfect in kind or quality.” Hmph. Looks to me like the wedding vows, the exchanging of rings, the jumping of brooms, the reception — none of this results in a marriage getting into a state of “lacking nothing” or the day being “finished” or the marital relationship “having all of the required and customary characteristics” like SEX does.
That’s how essential it’s supposed to be seen and treated in a marital relationship (sexless couples, please remember that and also check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important “ and “How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage” ). And THIS is why it’s so unfortunate that 60 percent of couples don’t see it this way.
Honestly, I’d venture to say that it’s because most haven’t even thought about how paramount the word “consummate” actually is and yet, again, as a marriage life coach (and someone who speaks on marital covenant A LOT), it’s my job to make sure to put as many engaged couples (or folks who want to be married someday) on notice — because if you can make sure that you take your wedding pictures, that you dance at your reception and that you hug the folks who you haven’t seen in years…you can certainly make time to PERFECT YOUR UNION with your spouse.
Hmph, let me tell it, if you do that on your wedding night, it will remind you to prioritize it during the rest of your marriage. It’s a foundational principle that deserves high respect and much consideration. And what if you’re like, “I hear you, Shellie, but I always hear that people are usually too tired for sex on their wedding night”? You know a saying that gets on my nerves and yet here, it does somewhat apply: “If you wanted to, you would” — and I believe that if you take the word “consummate” literally and seriously, you will make a way, no matter what. I do have a few tips to help you out, though.
Get Rest the Night Before
GiphyHands down, the two top reasons for why couples don’t have sex on their wedding night are either because they were too tired or they were too drunk. I’ll hit the drunk thing in a moment; however, when it comes to the tired thing — listen, I get it. Fewer days are going to be longer and take more out of you than your wedding day will. I will say this, though: the couples I know who waited until their wedding night, they somehow found the energy (because they had something new to look forward to) which means that, again, what is important to us, we certainly will make time for — and it’s important to see sex, in marriage, as not just a fun activity but a supernatural mental, emotional and spiritual bond:
"There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'" (I Corinthians 6:16 — Message)
That’s why it’s so important to, instead of staying up all night giggling and cackling with your friends the night before your nuptials, that you actually get some rest. Also, even though I know you want to avoid any bulge and bloat that you can, make sure that you at least snack on some fruit while getting ready the next day. Both of these things will help to give you fuel in order to get through the day — and night. So will one more thing…but let me tackle being drunkety-drunk-drunk matter first.
Toast. Don’t Get Drunk, Though.
GiphyA wedding reception is one big party that is being thrown in your and your beloved’s honor, and you should take in every moment of it. That doesn’t mean that you need to toss back multiple tequila shots and participate in every toast at every table, though. Listen, it’s no secret that having too much alcohol in one’s system can affect a man’s stamina (and not in a good way) and can have your sex drive on a roller coaster ride (also not in a good way), not to mention that it could cause you to pass right on out.
So, in the spirit of completing your marriage (again, literally) — how about sipping on champagne during the formal toasts and leaving it at that? After all, you’ve got bigger matters to celebrate…later on.
Don’t Be the Last One to Leave Your Reception
GiphyThere are two weddings that I remember attending in my lifetime where the husband and wife honestly couldn’t care less about their reception. LOL. During one wedding, the couple basically ate the cake and did the bouquet and garter toss all at once; hell, I don’t even remember them eating anything. I was actually in the wedding party and didn’t get to say “goodbye” either. They were outta there. Another couple? They didn’t show up to the reception at all! They actually recorded a video that ran during it where the husband said, “I know what salmon tastes like. I’m trying to figure some other things out.”
Meanwhile, another wedding that I went to where the couple lived together prior to their wedding day? Since the wedding and reception were at a plush hotel, many of their guests were staying at the same spot. So, after the couple shut down the reception, they then went hotel room hopping until wee hours of the morning. When I asked them what in the world they were doing, the bride literally said, “Girl, we’ve lived together for years. We can have sex any time.”
See what I mean? See what happens when you don’t fully grasp how important consummating your marriage is? It’s not “just sex” anymore — it’s perfecting some things. So yeah, definitely don’t be the last two people to leave your wedding reception, especially if you sense that you are starting to run on fumes. You need to do something more important than being the last people on the dance floor — and you already know what that thing is.
Book Your Honeymoon Flight for Later in the Day (or the Following One)
GiphyAnother reason why many couples don’t consummate their marriage on their wedding night is because they are rushing to go to bed so that they can catch their honeymoon flight. For this, honestly, it’s wiser to wait until the evening of the following day, if not the day after that. Not only will that give you time to “complete” your union, but afterwards, you can get a lot of the rest that you crave.
I’m telling you — if there is one thing that far too many couples do when it comes to their after-the-ceremony plans, it’s put unnecessary pressure on themselves by putting together a super strict schedule that they really don’t need. You’re married now, and whatever location you’re going to isn’t going anywhere. RELAX. HAVE SOME SEX. RINSE. REPEAT. THEN LEAVE.
Keep Your Expectations Realistic
GiphyOkay, one more thing about the whole “it’s important to consummate” point, and then I’ll be out of y’all’s hair. It actually circles back to the yichud tradition that I mentioned in the intro. Remember how I said that Jewish couples were left alone for 18 minutes? Well, in some of my other sex-themed content, I’ve shared that many couples are more than fine with intercourse lasting somewhere between 7 and 13 minutes.
My point? Listen, nowhere in this article did I say that y’all had to have 90s R&B sex the first time that the two of you come together as husband and wife. I simply said that you need to consummate the relationship, and I’m pretty sure that you both can muster up at least 10 minutes to make that happen. All of the “all night long” stuff — yeah, do that on your honeymoon. However, making sure that “oneness” transpires, so that the perfection of your union is established? That needs to happen as soon as possible.
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An author by the name of Abhijit Naskar once said, “Sex is not just about going in or letting in, it is really about welcoming your dearly beloved into the deepest regions of your psyche, which are inaccessible to anybody else.” Truer words could not have been said than when it comes to a husband and wife.
Sex ain’t “just sex” in a marriage, y’all. It’s far more than that.
Consummate that thing. Down the pike, you’ll be oh so glad that you did.
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