Well, It's About Damn Time: Why 'Dry Dating' & 'Hard-Balling' Are Huge 2022 Dating Trends
Back when I used to mentor teens via a high school program that I was a part of, something that used to trigger me to sigh, incessantly so, was the fact that they had absolutely no idea what a date was. To them, having some guy hang out at their house when their mama wasn’t home and then having sex with him before she came back qualified. Low bar. LOW. DAMN. BAR.
You know what, though? I’ve been talking to a lot of women who are 10-30 years past graduating from high school and, fascinatingly enough, it appears that a lot of them haven’t been on any official dates either. The realization is actually what inspired me to write “Have You Ever Wondered What Qualifies As A REAL Date?” (if you’re not sure if you’ve ever been on a date before, PLEASE check it out). And then, as if the universe was totally cosigning on my le sighs, I peeped that some of the biggest dating trends for this year consists of spending less time in someone’s bed (at least initially) and more time getting to know each other in other ways — and I was beyond thrilled to hear it!
Are you ready to hear about some dating trends that your grandmama can actually smile about? Here we go.
What in the World Is Dry Dating?
OK, so if someone was a heavy drinker and they declared that they were going to go “dry” for a season, what would that cause you to think? If your answer is that they aren’t going to have any alcohol for a while, you would be exactly right. And along these same lines, that’s what dry dating is all about — it’s about removing all forms of physical affection and sexual intimacy in exchange for making more mental and emotional connections with someone (again, initially). As a matter of fact, most dating experts who speak on the topic of dry dating say that it also includes avoiding a semi-standard goodnight kiss.
So, what are you supposed to do instead? See, if you have to ask that question, then I know you’re someone who hasn’t been properly dated in a while. Visit a museum or art gallery. Do some sightseeing. Take a class together. Try out each other’s favorite restaurants. Go on a wine or brewery tour. Discuss each other’s top love languages and plan dates around each (check out “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language”). Go ice or roller skating. Take each other to a personal must-see spot in the city. Go out for breakfast or brunch instead of the traditional dinner. Try a Sip and See.
I promise you, once you take anything physical totally off of the table, you’ll be amazed by how much you both can tap into your creative pools to come up with some cool ways to spend some quality time together. That is if you both succeed in passing the hard-ball round which brings me to my next point.
What the Heck Is Hard-Balling?
I’m gonna be honest. When I first read about this particular trend, initially, I was a little bit on the iffy side about sharing/recommending it because I’ve had a few single clients who tend to take this to the ultimate extreme. Before getting into all of that, though, I guess I should share what hard-balling is all about. Back in the day, some of the women I know called it “dating to marry” or “dating with a purpose.” While, on a lot of levels, that is definitely considered to be hard-balling all right, it’s basically what you do when you make sure to state your intentions and expectations on the front end — before a date even transpires.
As far as pros and cons go, a “pro” to this is, to a certain degree, you can get to know where someone’s head is and what their intentions are before gracing them with your physical presence — and well, since none of us can ever get wasted time back, that’s a good thing. The flip side to this is, if you go on-10 with your approach and conversations come off as interrogations, it could turn your “date potential” off, whether they were initially on the same page as you or not.
That’s why, if you decide to go the hard-balling route, it’s still a really wise idea to take the casual conversation approach. Maybe play a round of 20 questions (avoid making all of them super serious too) or do a Zoom call where you both greet each other with a glass of wine. If you state what you are interested in, in that type of setting, the mood is more relaxed; plus, you can read each other’s body language.
Listen, a lot of folks don’t wanna hear me on this but far too often, questioning can be so aggressive that it causes people to think that they have to put a wall up to protect themselves. That’s not what hard-balling should be about. The main objective is to get some of the usual first date questions out of the way so that your date can put you at ease because you know that both of you are pretty much looking for the same things.
How Both of These Can Make Dating in the New Year So Much Better
And just why do I think, in my humble opinion, that more people should be down with dry dating and hard-balling in 2022? A lot of it has to do with something that I’ve shared on this platform before. A lot of y’all know that I’m not the biggest fan of the word “casual,” especially when it comes to sex and matters of the heart because I know what the word means — “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing,” “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned” and “without emotional intimacy or commitment.” I mean, if at the end of the day, this is totally what you are looking for, you’re grown and do you.
However, if you’re someone who is on the verge of never wanting to date again because either you’re fed up with piss-poor experiences or because you’re not even sure you’ve been on what would qualify as a real date, refusing anything casual, hard-balling out of the gate and setting the standard of dry dating, at least for 3-5 dates certainly can’t hurt anything. More times than not, it can only help matters.
Matter of fact, this brings me to another dating trend that’s going to be all-the-way live this year — fast-forwarding. And just what is that? It’s when, after going on a few dates with someone, you “fast-forward” into what you want your relational future to look like, and then you have a serious and realistic conversation with yourself about whether or not he fits the bill. NO, fast-forwarding is not about asking a man if he sees you as his wife after four dates (goodness!). Fast-forwarding is simply…say that you want kids in the next five years and the guy you’re dating is smart, funny, and totally your vibe but he has children already and isn’t really interested in having any more.
Why keep investing on a profound level when he doesn’t want the same things for his future self that you do? Exactly. Now believe you me, as far as dating trends go, there is gonna be some bullshishery out in these streets (like “icing out” where people use COVID as an excuse to ghost folks and “wokefishing” where folks act like they care about the plight of Blackness when they actually…don’t). Yet if 2022 is the year when you’ve declared, “I’m done wasting my time, dammit! I’m gonna date with wisdom and intention,” then there are some responsible trends that have your back.
Don’t be afraid to dry date, hard-ball, or fast-forward. It’s the best way to weed out the nonsense so that you can get closer to what you want — and need. Happy New Year, y’all!
Featured image by Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Although I’m not exactly sure that writing about sex as much as I do was on my life’s work bingo card back in the day, I must admit that it has always been a topic that has fascinated me. I think it’s because, even though society likes to gaslight us by acting like the act is “no biggie,” there is way too much data out here that says otherwise. Hmph. Not like I needed the data in the first place because, in my opinion, any act that is responsible for creating life, that is something that is a pretty BIG deal.
So, today? Today, we’re going to tackle how sex impacts us when it comes to our energy fields. What (mostly) inspired this is once reading a science-based article about how it is a fact and not a myth that just like plants can absorb energy from other plants, humans can do the same thing by being in the space of other human beings. And when you stop to really think about it, doesn’t that make all of the sense in the world?
Otherwise, there wouldn’t be terms out here like “peer pressure” and big grown folks wouldn’t be out here trying to look and act just like some of their favorite celebrities or IG influencers (and yet, on that point, I digress).
So, since energy impacts us in some pretty significant ways, let’s take a few moments to see how it goes down when it comes to copulation — just so that you’re (even more) aware of what you’re getting yourself into when you “do the do,” as far as your personal energy space is concerned.
Energy. Revisited.
GiphyOkay, so before we get all up in how energy is exchanged during sexual activity, what is energy as it relates to human beings, in general? Well, in some ways, it all depends on who you ask. For instance, the famed Greek philosopher Aristotle once said that energy is about having the capacity to do something. Some medical experts say that energy is all about how something impacts you on a mental or physical level.
For instance, negative energy tends to be very heavy and draining while positive energy can increase feel-good chemicals throughout your system which makes it easier for you to do things like be creative and problem-solve. Something else that I think is important to keep in mind as far as human energy goes is it’s impacted by a myriad of things including a person’s stress levels, how healthy a person is, what their life choices are (as far as how their decisions influence them) and even what their sleep patterns are like.
And if all of this is true, then something else that Aristotle once said about energy would be beyond accurate: “The energy of the mind is the essence of life.”
Energy is life. Whew, so if this is indeed the case, does this mean that when you choose to have sex with someone, you are sharing your life force — whatever state that may be — with someone as they are doing the same to/for/with you? YES.
What Does It Mean to Exchange Sexual Energy?
GiphySince I grew up in an entertainment industry household, I think that’s probably why I’ve ended up with some close friends who are in the industry as well. That said, I will never forget when I was talking to one of them one day about a particular artist. When I expressed how much sex appeal that she had, my (male) friend simply said, “Yeah, I’ve been in her presence a few times before. She has some really dark energy. I didn’t even hug her.”
Now from a scientific standpoint, dark energy is simply what causes the universe to accelerate in growth over a certain period of time; however, when a person is described to have dark energy, that usually means that they have an evil and/or negative and/or heavy and/or draining aura about them. And y’all, here’s what’s semi-wild about what he said: did you know that science backs that hugs do indeed transfer energy?
Yep, research reveals that a hug from someone can literally alter your brain and body chemistry — so you definitely need to be discerning about who you let up into your affection space. Straight up. And so, since a hug has the capacity to do that, how much more can SEX?
To further emphasize this, let’s begin with an article that I read on Healthline’s website entitled, “Do We Really Exchange Energy During Sex?” After checking it out, one of the main things that I appreciated was when a doctor who was interviewed for the piece said:
“Every sex act is an exchange of energy [because] every sexual act raises or lowers your energy level…Therefore, a sexual relationship isn’t a purely psychological or physiological, mechanical act…Rather, it’s an energetic action. When we have an intimate relationship with someone, the two energies merge.”
Okay, so according to science, when two people have sex, energies merge. Well, according to Scripture, when two people have sex, oneness transpires (Genesis 2:24-25). Let’s keep going.
There was once a Physician-scientist by the name of Wilhelm Reich (who actually died in prison, in part, because of his radical beliefs on sex and orgasms during his time), who once said that having a healthy sex life (which, to him, including orgasms and is what he referred to as “orgastic potency”) is what played a huge role in one’s emotional health and well-being. That’s because, to him, without the release of sexual energy, neurological disorders would be come to be.
My takeaway from this is when you think about the fact that things like serotonin, dopamine, and the “the bonding chemical” oxytocin are all released during sex (and most certainly during orgasms), and also since sex (and orgasms) reduce stress — you need to tend to your sexual energy for the sake of your holistic health. Let’s continue on.
After reading an article on sexual energy on Cosmo’s website in which one of the sex therapists said that “our sexuality is our power" and then reading an article on the same topic on Well + Good’s platform where another expert stated that, “Many belief systems believe sexual energy is an expression of the soul's connection to the cosmos and the rest of the universe”, I thought about the word “power” and then “soul connection.”
At the end of the day, power isn’t just ability but the capability to influence and even take authority over something or someone. And a soul connection? Several years ago, when I penned a piece for the platform entitled, “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” one of the things that I made sure to emphasize is your soul IS also your life. This means that soul connections are life connections.
And so, it would appear that sharing sexual energy also means that you are making a life connection with someone. And that type of connection has the power to influence you in ways that you couldn’t even begin to imagine. That is how deep exchanging sexual energy is.
What You Should Always Keep in Mind Before Sharing Sexual Energy with Someone Else
GiphyNow are there degrees to this whole sexual energy thing? Of course. The type of connection that a husband and wife of 20 years can make via sex is very different than a one-night stand. However, it would appear that science believes that it doesn’t really matter what you tell yourself about sex with someone (or even how many condoms you may use during sex) — potent energy is exchanged regardless.
That’s a huge part of the reason why I will forever roll my eyes about how ridiculous “casual sex” sounds to me, because, although I do believe that it is very possible to engage in coitus that has no real purpose (casual is purposeless, by definition), what isn’t possible is for there not to be a significant connection made from a scientific standpoint. Because again, if a mere hug can alter you (shoot, a handshake too), do you really think that allowing a man’s penis into the sacred space known as your vagina will not? After reading all of this…do you really?
When it comes to energy, author T. Harv Eker once said, “Energy is contagious: either you affect people or you infect people.” With all that was just shared about sexual energy, each and every person you choose to “engage” with, they are either going to affect you or infect you — just with their energy alone.
Knowing this, if there was ever a time to choose wisely, this would be it.
Your energy is your power. Who you exchange power with? CHOOSE WISELY.
EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON.
And because energy can shift…be cognizant of what you’re doing…EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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Featured image by Giphy