It's kind of funny—in an ironic sort of way—that this article is coming right on the heels of us publishing some pearls of wisdom that Niecy Nash shared in a recent ESSENCE feature. If you didn't catch our write-up on it, the title basically says it all: "Niecy Nash Says 'A BJ A Day Keeps The Divorce Lawyers Away' & We Believe You, Sis."
If you think that Niecy is just "being Niecy" (because she's always pretty candid about her marriage which is something that I personally adore about her), I'll just say that I've had many a husband and wife co-sign on that very sentiment. Husbands have told me that morning sex that consists of fellatio is not only a big-time stress reliever, it also makes them think about their wife and her dopeness all throughout the day. And the wives? They say that everything about communicating with their man is easier to do—from kids to bills to them wanting to buy something that may not exactly be in the budget—once a BJ has been had. Well, given.
But here's the thing about all of this. I must admit that oftentimes when the topic of marital coitus comes up, it does seem like the focus is placed on pleasing the man. Hmph. Like we as women don't have needs. Double hmph. Like a lot of wives don't have stronger libidos than their hubbies.
This sentiment was clearly expressed in the Facebook comments that popped up underneath our Niecy Nash post. Personally, one of my favorite comments was by Lisa-Renee Halliburton: "Well Damn reading these comments does anyone just want to please your spouse?? Of course, It's not only about him, however... you should want to cater to his every need and vice versa or someone else will with no Problem!" Right. And amen.
Since we peeped how passionate so many of you are about making sure that there was a level playing field on this particular topic, we figured that today was a perfect time to share what some couples—husbands and wives—have told me keeps it on-and-poppin' in their bedroom (oh, and because everyone agreed to be so forthcoming, their names have been changed for courtesy's sake; some did ask if they could pick the names, though. I wonder if they're pet names. Hmm.).
Ready?
Married Couples Break Down Their Sex Lives and What Keeps Them Sexually Satisfied
Eric and Evelyn. Married for Three Years. Have Sex About Twice a Week.
Eric: "I promise you, I don't know when my wife finds the time, but she's always coming up with something new—a new position, a new toy…something. I can't speak for all men, but I'll say for myself that it's a gross assumption that we get bored easily and want a new woman. We do get bored, but it's from doing the same thing, the same way, all of the time. If a woman has a creative mind, she can keep a man monogamous. Mine does."
Evelyn: "My husband is the best kisser. Everywhere. That's all I have to say. But isn't that enough?"
Marcus and Jasmine. Married for 10 Years. Have Sex About Three Times a Week.
Marcus: "I think what keeps our sex life so good is that I'm not the one who has to initiate all of the time. Men want to feel wanted just as much as women do. Real talk, sometimes I have to spend extra time in the gym to keep up with my wife's drive. I love that about her, though.
Jasmine: "My husband wants me to cum. A LOT. If I haven't had at least three orgasms, he doesn't feel like his job is done. A man like that will keep you coming back for more…for the rest of your life, in my book."
Michael and Rachel. Married Six Months. Have Sex Once a Week.
Michael: "Let me just put it on out there that the reason why we're newlyweds who only have sex once a week is because of our work schedules. Well, that and the fact that we're not fans of quickies. If it's not gonna last for a few hours, why do it? And my wife? That dirty mouth of hers alone is worth not rushing. It's funny because she doesn't even curse in real life. But behind closed doors, I've never seen anything like it. S—t."
Rachel: "I've been with selfish men before. The kind of guys who would wink at themselves in the mirror while they're doing you if one was around. My husband treats me like a full-course meal. He takes forever on my neck, forever on my breasts. My mama told me not to tell other women the specifics about your man, so I won't even get into what he can do with a clit. I ain't goin' nowhere. There's absolutely no need."
Anthony and Cynthia. Married for 13 Years. Have Sex Every Day.
Anthony: "I think it's funny whenever people think that we're exaggerating about having sex every day. You eat every day. You might work out every day. You probably sit in front of the TV every day. What's the big deal? We make time for what matters, and my wife and I look forward to connecting that way. Sometimes it's for 10 minutes. Sometimes it's three or four rounds. It's our quality time and what I love most is I never get tired of her. She's my masterpiece."
Cynthia: "My girlfriends ask me if I'm always in the mood to do it all of the time. The short answer is 'yes'. Remember in the movie Love Jones when Nia Long's character said that his dick talked to her? Girl, when your man has something good to say, you're always in the mood to listen."
Quinton and Allison. Married 16 Years. Have Sex a Few Times a Month.
Quinton: "I'm glad you're not using our real names in this, because we're the couple who doesn't have more sex because of my libido, not hers. It's not that I don't desire my wife. It's that I take medication for my blood pressure. Anyone who does knows what that can do. But what it has caused us to do is become foreplay experts. When I was single, foreplay didn't matter much. Now, it's something that I really look forward to."
Allison: "My husband and I had sex before marriage. His stroke was mean back then, but I felt really disconnected; like he was having sex with himself more than with me. I'd like to have more intercourse, but his mastering how to kiss my breasts and go down on me makes it worth it. It's not like we're not working to get him off of his meds, so I can only imagine what's in store. We're married. I can wait."
Chris and Donna. Married 11 Years. Have Sex Twice a Week.
Chris: "I read the Niecy interview. I'll just add that it's not the blow job that's effective; it's a good one. We don't want obligatory head. But a woman who acts like it's her favorite thing ever and sounds like she's gonna cum harder than you before it's over? That is the kind of head that is unforgettable. That right there is my wife. She's made me cry and I'm a true groupie. I'm not ashamed to say it either!"
Donna: "My husband is a freak. He likes to go down just because, and he's everywhere down there. But what I really like about him is the five words that he says, almost every time, before we get started—'How can I please you?' So many men assume that if they've got a big dick or even that they can make us orgasm that that should be enough. One night, I might be in the mood for romantic missionary while another, all I might want is for him to eat me. A good lover doesn't tell you what you should want, they want to cater to you. My husband is the best lover I've ever had. 100."
David and Monica. Married 20 Years. Have Sex Every Day.
David: "When you've been married as long as I have, you qualify different things as 'having sex'. Do we have full-on intercourse every time? No. But I'm going to get head or she's gonna get it. I may wake her up with a nipplegasm or she might give me a hand job if we're riding in together to work. 20 years in, you want to make sure your spouse is satisfied, even if you don't need anything at the time. The sooner you young folks learn that, the better."
Monica: "Wow. This is awkward. Our names are changed, right? OK. My man is passionate. My man is unselfish. My man makes love to me like he's grateful for the opportunity. He is present. I know they say that all married people are tempted to cheat at some point, but I've never considered it since I've been married. When you get a partner who is, I think 'aggressive' is the right word, about your every need, you just don't think about stepping out. I know I don't."
Greg and LaToya. Married 10 Years. Have Sex 3-4 Times a Week.
Greg: "My baby and I were virgins when we got married. 10 years later, I think what makes the sex so good is because we've been working with a blank slate. To me, she's the best ever because I don't have anyone else to compare her to. I also like that we were virgins because we could customize our likes. We aren't trying to get the other to be like someone else. Even now, we're just taking our time to explore and when we find a new 'favorite', that makes the sex even better."
LaToya: "We were abstinent for religious reasons, but we don't have the church anywhere in our bedroom! Have you read the Scripture about a man drinking from his cistern? (Proverbs 5:15) That is an almost daily practice in our home. Amen."
Justin and Cheryl. Married 13 Years. Have Sex Once a Week.
Justin: "Y'all can call it weird or whatever but this is my marriage and it works. When my wife and I were still dating, we asked each other about our best—our best sex, our best oral, stuff like that. Then we asked what made it that way. No general s—t; details. Then we worked through how to top those individuals. And we have. Folks are only insecure about each other's sexual past when they don't think they measure up. You can easily fix that by having open discussions about what you liked and even miss about your past."
Cheryl: "My husband is competitive. Not just when it comes to my past sex life, but with himself. That's sexy to me because he's like, 'If you thought last night was good, wait and see what I come up with next time!' He is never satisfied with my satisfaction. What I mean is he always wants to exceed himself. I never know what to expect and I really like that."
William and Anastasia. Married Four Years. Have Sex 1-3 Times a Week.
William: "My wife is animalistic. She really is. Sometimes, I can't even get all the way in the door without her wanting to get it on right there. I'm glad that I'm getting to share this—and that she's letting me—because it's a poor assumption that all women are docile or passive. Sometimes, I feel a little emasculated because she's hard to keep up with. But what I love about that is she always wants me, she never gets tired of me. That does wonders for how I feel about myself as a man. As her man."
Anastasia: "I'm not sure if I've ever told my husband this before, but I will now. I do have a high sex drive, I always have. And I do tend to be the aggressor. But what makes me jump him all of the time is because I have never been treated so well. I honestly can't think of one need that has gone unmet since I agreed to marry him; not just monetarily but emotionally. He truly takes care of me…and since he does it every day, I basically want to f—k him every day. I don't know what else to tell you." #whew
There you have it, y'all. Straight from the mouth of married folks.
Personally, what I think is cool about all of these responses is it's a reminder that there is no "one right way" to have sex or please your partner—that a part of the fun of being a committed couple is figuring out what works for you.
As far as Niecy's stance, I honestly can't see how any man would want to turn down a daily BJ. But, I also think that a good husband can't feel right about himself if he's not tryin' to get his wife right too.
If I were on social media, that would've been my comment yesterday. I would've said that, as these husbands and wives shared, it's mutual pleasure that (hopefully) keeps the divorce lawyers away. And who can argue with that?
Feature image by Getty Images
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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