If there’s one thing that I find at least one good reason to be audibly thankful for, pretty much on a daily basis, it’s my male friends. There are a billion-and-one reasons why yet, as it pertains to this particular article, it’s the cavalier nonchalance that was sprinkled with some effortless confidence that came directly from one of them.
Context: As I was catching up with my friend and they were asking me what I male-related topics I had covered as of late, I told him that folks keep asking me about the whole “6-6-6 man” thing (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”). I audibly laughed when he said, “I’ve got all three but barely on that big d-ck s-it. I’ve never had a problem with that, so I don’t get what the big deal is.” Like I said, my friends are bomb…and sometimes they tell me more than I want to know but it all balances itself out in the end. LOL.
Anyway, for those of you who may be like, “Yeah, it’s easy for him to think that. Women fake all of the time.” Indeed some do; also, some men fake as well (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”). At the same time, it’s not just guys who don’t feel the need to be “packin’” in order to satisfy their partner(s). And that’s why I enlisted the voices of 12 women who not only share in his sentiment, they are ready, willing, and able to explain some solid reasons why.
*Middle names have been used for most; the married women created a name to…you know, keep the peace in case some nosy folks try to figure out their actual identity*
GiphyKora. 34. Married for 10 Years.
“For years, I thought that a big d-ck was a sexual requirement. That’s until I got with my husband. Don’t get me wrong — he’s not small. I always required monstrosities and he’s just not that. We need to get over always following what we hear other people say because there’s no science to back up that a huge penis ramming us automatically means the sex is good. I have had more orgasms with an about-seven-inches man than all of the nine-plus in my world. I wish I had let the myth go a lot sooner.”
Shellie here: Another wife I know feels this way. Check out “BDE: Please Let The "It Needs To Be Huge" Myth Go” when you get a chance.
Lesley. 28. Engaged for 10 Months.
“I’ve got nosy people in my world, so just in case someone figures out it's me, I won’t get into exact sizes here. I’ll just say that a smaller man makes it easier to get into all kinds of sex positions that larger men cannot. It’s also been my experience that smaller men can find my spot faster and because they’re not irritating my cervix, we can go longer which means more orgasms. Some of y’all are missing out by thinking that a big man is where it’s at.”
GiphyNava. 44. Single.
“A big d-ck has never been my thing. I tried out a few in college and after having a few UTIs from all that damn thrusting while not really cumming, I was good on that. Smaller men feel more comfortable to me. I also think that they work a bit harder to please because they don’t have that ‘I have a big d-ck, what else do you need?!’ mindset that other men have.”
Angel. 47. Married for 22 Years.
“I didn’t have a lot of sex partners before I got married. Two men, who were larger than normal, they assumed that I should think that they were great in bed because of their penis — nothing else. They were bad at foreplay. Their rhythm was off. They barely had any stamina…one of them barely lasted for more than six or seven minutes, every single time. ‘Big’ doesn’t guarantee anything. You better look for good.”
GiphyLaura. 28. Single.
“I recently binge-watched Sex & the City for the first time with my godmother. Any of you who watched it, do you remember when Samantha was talking about how giving head is like a literal job? I don’t feel that way with smaller penises but I definitely do with larger ones. It’s not that I don’t like doing it, but I definitely have to gas myself up a bit, especially when it’s the first time with someone — and who wants to be out here gagging and stretching out the side of their mouths, if that can be avoided? I do my best work with the smaller ones. One of those, please.”
Rashida. 31. In a Serious Relationship for One Year.
“Wanna get your cowgirl game right? Get a smaller penis. To tell you the truth, if you want to master any sex position, a smaller penis is gonna make that happen for you. I also think that men with smaller penises have more humility when it comes to sex. I don’t mean that in a bad way — I mean that guys with big ones think that’s all they need to have and that’s just not true. I'm a card-carrying member of the ‘Love Some Small D-cks Club’ and my sex life has only gotten better because of it!”
GiphyTaya. 31. Married for Four Years.
“Wait — what’s small? Like 6”? I’m not gonna do that, but I can be happy with something close to seven. Super large or really small is never gonna do it for me, but that’s just me. As far as smaller men, I will say that if you’ve got a pillow under your back, you’d be surprised [at] the spots they can reach that big men can’t. For that, I’ll give them a round of applause.”
Paris. 22. Single.
“My first had a huge penis. All I remember is pain. My second had a much smaller penis. I had my first orgasm with him. I haven’t had many partners since those two but I’m already sold on smaller penises. I actually prefer them. I think you can see why.”
GiphyChloie. 30. In a Serious Relationship for Three Years.
“Two types of penises that I’m down for every time are uncircumcised and small ones. Uncircumcised feel better in my mouth and seem to make me cum faster. Smaller ones, you can do more with. I never got all of the hype around big penises. All they gave me was soreness most of the time.”
Shellie here: She’s right about the circumcision-to-orgasm connection. Various studies and reports reveal that it’s easier for women to climax with an uncircumcised penis; in part, due to the foreskin rubbing against the nerve endings in their vagina.
Helynn. 34. Engaged for Six Months.
“I think there are pros and cons to both sizes. Big guys ‘fill you up’ and smaller ones make sex more… ‘fluid’ is the word that comes to mind. Like it can be awkward changing positions and getting comfortable with a bigger man. I can ‘go with the flow’ with smaller ones…and that’s great for the flow. It’s also easier to go the second and the third rounds when penises are smaller. With large ones, sometimes I need to take a break, whether I came or not — simply because my vagina was tender.”
GiphyNaalah. 25. Single.
“A good six inches is all I need or want. I’ve always felt that way. Back in college, some of my [sorority] sisters told me that I was missing out, so I gave [a big penis] a shot. Y’all can keep that. I don’t want to have a learning curve on size, just to say that I’ve been with big men. The smaller ones have suited me just fine. I’ll stick with what I know.”
Qyndalynn. 50. Married for 32 Years.
“Big. Small. Medium. You better find you a man who cares more about your pleasure than how he compares to a measuring tape. The big men in my past were good but they also seemed to think that they already knew it which caused me to feel sort of…disconnected from them. Smaller men were more passionate and almost eager — like they had something to prove in a way and honey, that suited me just fine. As far as who I’m with now? He’s not an ‘8’ and it doesn’t matter. He pleases me consistently and I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nothing bigger will ever move me from the one I’ve got. Now mind ya business!”
______
Here are 12 women who can personally attest to the fact that size shouldn’t ever be the main focus of what makes for good sex or a great lover. If you want a “big man,” let it be because the sex is good with him not because that’s what you automatically assume a satisfying sexual experience should consist of. Otherwise, you could be missing out — missing out on the greater things that sometimes come in smaller packages.
Don’t believe me? Read this one more time, sis.
Just for safe…umm, measure. #wink
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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