Did You Know There Was Such A Thing As A 'Ruined Orgasm'?
Off the rip, I'm just gonna put right on out here that, if there are two things that I can never see myself being interested in participating in, it's financial domination (where folks pay someone to humiliate them…what in the world?) and what I'm gonna touch on now — ruined orgasms. Goodness. When it comes to what I've written on about sex for this platform, the only thing that might be worse than how that sounds (to me) is bad orgasms (check out "Who Knew There Was Such A Thing As 'Bad Orgasms'?").
A sucky intro, right? I know. Still, I think this topic is important to share because 1) we're all different; what might not work for me could very well work for you and 2) knowledge is power. On the ruined orgasm tip, it took me actually researching and reading about them for me to understand the potential allure and then come to the conclusion that while it doesn't light my particular fire, it definitely might for some of our readers. Anyway, if you're curious, I'm going to share with you what ruined orgasms are, along with the reason why some of you might actually find it to be something worth trying — at least once (please report back, if you do).
What Is a Ruined Orgasm?
In order to break down what a ruined orgasm is, I've got to provide a bit of its origin. Believe it or not, ruined orgasms are pretty common in the BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) community. If the mere thought of that freaks you out, just keep in mind that when it comes to this type of sex and power role-playing, there are definitely levels. Not everything is super extreme. Matter of fact, this is a great way to intro ruined orgasms because, what typically happens is, someone who's assuming the dominant role in sex will intentionally arouse "their submissive" to the point of wanting to experience an intense orgasm, only for the dominant to stop stimulating their partner, which typically results in a very low-grade — or ruined — orgasm.
A great way to explain this is it's similar to what happens when your partner is doing something that you really like during sex, you're on the brink of climaxing and, for whatever the reason, he stops. Dammit, man. Only with a ruined orgasm, it happens on purpose. WTF, right? Let's keep going.
How Is It Different from Edging?
If you just read what I said and the first thing that comes to your mind is, "Hmm. That sounds a lot like edging", that's the same thing that I initially thought. Until I looked deeper. While they do seem a lot alike on the surface, to a large extent, edging and ruined orgasms couldn't be more different. Mainly because, while they both strive to get people to the brink of an orgasm, edging eventually wants you to have a powerful one. And so, while there might be a couple of rounds of "almost getting you there and stopping", there does come a time when there is no stopping and the orgasm goes to another level. As a direct result. On purpose.
A ruined orgasm, on the other hand, has no desire for you to have a 10 outta 10 experience. If you experience a low-grade orgasm or even not much of one at all, the mission of this particular kind of orgasm has actually been accomplished. And again, WTF? Why would someone find anything sexy, appealing or desirable about taking this approach to sex? Let's go further.
The Benefits of Attempting a Ruined Orgasm
So, here's the deal. With the dominant individual is a woman, oftentimes what she will strive to do is get her partner to the point where he ejaculates without having an orgasm (the day when folks realize that the two are not necessarily one and the same is the day we'll all be free, chile) or not ejaculate at all. On the flip, when the dominant individual is a man, he will seek out to give his partner a very weak orgasm or try and make sure that pleasure is experienced without an orgasm transpiring.
And why — why oh why — would someone subject themselves to this kind of borderline torment? The answer basically lies within that very question. When a sexual submissive person consents to being put into this position, oftentimes the power that they've given to their partner, combined with the teasing and the longing to cum is what eventually turns a weak orgasm into a powerful one — whether it's with their partner or when they are reflecting on the experience when they are alone.
For people who seek out ruined orgasms, it's the build-up-and-let-down that gets them excited. They like thinking that their partner has that much control over their pleasure — that things could be taken to another level…should the dominant partner choose for that to happen. Plus, because a lot of couples perform "the switch" (which is basically going back and forth with who is dominant and who is submissive), sometimes people are also thrilled at the idea of putting their partner in the same vulnerable state that they were in.
I already told y'all that this is an acquired taste kind of orgasm. Still, from what I've read and researched, so long as both people are in agreement (please make sure to discuss it beforehand NOT during sex) and there is a safe word (a word that conveys when the submissive partner thinks things have gone too far) is in place, there can be hours of sexual teasing in store — if you're into that kind of thing.
Oh, there is one more potential bonus from ruined orgasms that definitely should go on record. Some women struggle with climaxing, period. Well, the fascinating thing about ruined orgasms is it removes the expectation of having an orgasm at all, right? With the teasing on and the pressure off, it could actually make it easier to have a "weak orgasm"…and eventually an intense one.
Like I've been saying throughout this entire piece, not everything is for everybody. That said, if you and yours are totally game to give a round of these a shot, please circle back and let me know (in the comment section) how it went and if you would recommend it — if something good can actually come from an orgasm that has been, well, umm, ruined.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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My name is Yasmine Jameelah, and I’m a founder, journalist, freelance writer, and dog mama. Wellness is at the intersection of everything that I do.
Six years ago, I started a small wellness community on Instagram after embarking on a healing journey in my mid-twenties that I documented via a blog where I wrote about healing, therapy, celibacy, and growth after what felt like years of chaos. Six years later, that wellness community has blossomed into one of the largest online wellness platforms for Black women called Transparent Black Girl which has a reach of over five million Black women.
It still sounds crazy to say that aloud, to know that a 24-year-old girl planted the seeds of the life that this 30-year-old woman gets to live now.
While I was growing my company, because my love for writing was so strong, I went back to school and obtained my master's in journalism. I’ve worked as a freelance writer, an editor, and a frequent contributor to publications that I respect greatly, xoNecole being one of them! My journalism career has been a reflection of my passion and heart for wellness and the culture. My day-to-day is busy, but we manage to get it done, and on the days that I can’t, I give myself grace to do what I can with the time that I have.
My days consist of events, long walks with my dog, freelance pitching, and deciding what content creation and events will look like for my wellness collective, Transparent & Black.
Now, follow me on a random day in my life.
Morning
5:00 a.m.
My Goldendoodle keeps me on a schedule, so every morning, like clockwork, he wakes me up to use the bathroom and eat breakfast, at 5 a.m.! Am I usually over it first thing in the morning? 100%, but his being on a schedule challenges me to stick with mine and start the day on a productive note. He’s a wellness dog which means I feed him home-cooked meals and give him supplements daily to support his health, and he has a daily dental treat to keep his teeth healthy. Canine dental hygiene is imperative for a long life and a good smelling breath!
Today, I’m heading into the city, and I’ll be there almost all day, so when I’m gone that long, I take him to doggy daycare.
7:00 a.m.
Doggy daycare drop-off is filled with tons of barks, and my dog is practically jumping out of the car with excitement to see his friends. Now, some of y’all might be thinking, doggy daycare, sis, that’s too much for a dog! But it’s not, socialization is key for dogs, and so is keeping my house intact when I’m gone for long periods of time. Does he go daily? No, we aren’t rich (yet, we gotta manifest!), but when my dog is happy and experiencing play, and I’m happy attending events, I feel accomplished.
Having a pet is a serious responsibility, and I pride myself on knowing that I am invested in his mental and emotional health by encouraging his socialization with his friends.
7:30 a.m.
Headed to my local coffee shop to grab my go-to order. Iced coffee, a single shot of espresso, half and half, and 3 pumps of agave. Winter, spring, summer, fall, I am an iced coffee girl. I love it, especially after a workout where I’ve broken a sweat - nothing about having hot coffee after I’ve been sweating for over an hour feels good to me.
8:00 a.m.
Back home listening to Carlos King's commentary on YouTube in the shower (what can I say, commentary on reality TV drama relaxes me, don’t judge!) and prepping for the first stop on the agenda for today which is an event in the city. Without traffic, I’m about a 25-minute drive to Manhattan but it’s rush hour, so that 25 minutes is about 55 which means I have to head out soon so that I can arrive on time.
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9:00 a.m.
Headed to Manhattan for a Black History Month event with Meta, Peloton, and We The Culture. I wanted to take the train, but I ran out of time, so I hopped in an Uber because I didn’t want to be late, and I had my daily check-in with my best friend while I rode in the Uber. We talk daily and have since our early twenties to check in with each other. I'm grateful that while many aspects of my life have changed, this is still a constant. As we age, prioritizing our friendships for sure gets harder, but it’s not impossible in the least bit when both parties are invested.
9:30 a.m.
Emailing my editor from the car to ask for a deadline extension and sharing with her my ideas for pieces for the month! I’m grateful to have been on both sides of the journalism space. I’ve been a managing editor for years for publications, and I’ve also had the honor to work with managing editors, deputy editors, and editors-in-chief who have poured into me and understood how quickly my schedule can change, I’m honored at the magic we’re able to create together.
As a storyteller, from content that I share to my platform to pieces that I write, I’m having fun again in this season of my life, and I am loving it.
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10:00 a.m.
The event begins, and I can’t lie, when I host my own events, I’m not scared, but as a social anxiety girlie, events sometimes can be a little scary. I am naturally a very shy girl, but wellness events always feel like home to me. You don’t have to dress up; you can show up in workout gear because most of the time you’re experiencing some form of wellness and fitness even during the event. Moments into the panel discussion we experienced a seated meditation led by Peloton instructor Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts - talk about a way to kick the day off!
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The discussion hosted by Meta and Peleton touched on the importance of taking up space in industries and spaces where Black women and people are underrepresented, our self-care regimens, and We The Culture also shared how their work came to be. It was such a powerful event, and of course, we got the inside scoop on Peloton’s newest machines! I also spoke with some people (it’s important to me to always say hello to those who put on the event) and ended up sitting next to THE Pilates girl herself, Raven Ross. She was such a sweetheart, and we talked about our love for Pilates and the importance of community events like this.
Afternoon
2:00 p.m.
Leaving the event, I headed to Sephora to see if I could find Topicals' always sold-out Slick Salve, but to no avail, so I pulled out my phone and ordered it on their website as I walked back to the train station to head back home. I am a girl who loves to walk, so I’m always down for a long walk to the station and a walk back home when time permits, so that’s exactly what I did. I did about four miles just between walking back to Penn Station and walking back to my apartment once I got off the train!
4:30 p.m.
My phone started blowing up because the piece that Oprah Daily asked me to write was published for Black History Month, and my face was on Oprah’s website, AOL’s homepage, and the publication's Instagram page! My mama, aunties, cousins, dad, and everyone who has known me since I was a little girl were beyond proud and excited to see that and how far I’ve come.
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Evening / Night
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5:30 p.m.
I headed to my gym in my home (praise the Lord for apartment amenities) for a quick swim before I picked up my dog from daycare, and then I headed to the sauna and ran into a neighbor who is another successful Black woman killing it in her own right in the tech space. We chatted about life updates and the importance of taking time for our mental health and it felt good to ground myself with swimming. Much of my life has changed in the past few years, but swimming has remained a constant.
Whenever something amazing happens I soak it in and then immediately do what I can to ground myself to stay present, humble, grateful, and focused on what’s ahead.
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6:30 p.m.
It started raining badly and my anxiety is all over the place on the drive to pick up my dog but I practice some deep breathing and remind myself that I have had a calm day and it can end calm as well. I don’t need to rush there, I can drive at a pace that feels good to me. My mother calls to check on me because she sees the weather is terrible and asks me to let her know when I arrive safely.
7:00 p.m.
I arrived at doggy daycare, and the rain is calming down. Can y’all see why I take him?! They watch him all day! My dog is exhausted in the best way and ready to go home and sleep, and I can sit down and relax when we head back home.
9:00 p.m.
I’m back home, took a bath, ordered my favorite healthy Chinese takeout (beef and shrimp with broccoli, light sauce with brown rice), and I’m on the couch with a glass of sustainable wine from one of my favorite Black-owned brands, House of Brown watching Sistaswith a side of kimchi to enjoy with dinner. My candles are lit, I’m letting the highs of the day sit with me and stillness come over me as I prepare for bed.
10:30 p.m.
I took my dog out for a final walk, gave him his bedtime treat, and it’s lights out to prepare for another day.
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