There is a specific situation that inspired me to pen this piece. There is a close male friend in my life who, up until a few weeks ago, I used to think was the ultimate commitment-phobe. It’s not that he’s not a good man — he’s actually one of my favorite people. It’s just that he’s definitely got some signs of being a serial monogamist in the sense of being in a relationship for years and not transitioning it into marriage.
Oh, but when we sat down not too long ago and he told me that he’s sure that he met “his one,” after I picked my chin up off of the ground, I asked him what caused her to stand out from the rest. “She’s wife material. None of the others were that for me.”
Wife. Material. Two definitions of material are “the substance or substances of which a thing is made or composed” and “a group of ideas, facts, data, etc., that may provide the basis for or be incorporated into some integrated work.” In order for a marriage to be a healthy and thriving one, the husband needs to be made up of a certain kind of material and the wife does as well. And, as you’re about to see, for many men, a girlfriend does not automatically translate into a potential wife.
How could that possibly be? Read on. The answers just might surprise you.
*Middle names are used so that the men can speak freely.*
Giphy1. Dreven. 37. Married for Five Years.
“I’m going to tell you ladies something that will spare you a lot of wasted time and therapy if you actually listen — for a lot of men, deciding to get married is more about timing than the person they are with. What I mean is, Shellie once told me that she read a quote that said a woman will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready and there is a lot of truth in that. Even if you show all of the traits that would make you the ultimate wife, if a man isn’t looking for that, it’s not really going to matter. A man who sees a woman as ‘wife material’ has to see marriage as being a part of his life to begin with. So, if you want to get married, date someone who feels the same way.”
Shellie here: That reminds me of an oldie-but-goodie that I once penned for the platform. If you’ve never read “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife,” it just might (further) connect some dots for you in relation to what Dreven just said.
2. Colton. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
“I think it’s crazy how women on social media are always talking about how a ‘real man’ won’t even need their help when the Bible literally calls women ‘helpmates.' They can take that up with their Lord and Savior. Not to mention stories of now-millionaires like Denzel Washington who said that his wife helped to pay for their first date and Ryan Coogler’s wife paid for some of his film equipment while they were dating. To me, a wife material woman isn’t selfish. She gets that a relationship requires give and take. She doesn’t think that she should be the only one on the receiving end of things. The woman I’m with now is totally wife material — and she is the first woman I’ve dated who has ever made me feel that way. She wants us both to win. Everything isn’t just about her.”
Shellie here: Colton’s biblical reference is Genesis 2:18(AMPC): “Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him” and that “complementary” word reminds me of another article that you might want to read at some point and time — “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.”
Giphy4. Namir. 30. Engaged.
“Girlfriends are temporary. A wife is forever. That’s how I see it. So, ‘girlfriend material’ in my eyes is someone who I’m looking to be with for a fun time not a long time. The word has ‘girl’ in it — what about that sounds serious? That’s why I never had many girlfriends. I dated a lot, but the title of ‘girlfriend’ always sounded silly to me. If I’m only going to be with you, you need to be my fiancée or wife not a girlfriend — and if I’m not ready for or even interested in that, then I’m not going to pretend like I am. If you are a girlfriend, could you become a wife? Maybe. It’s a gamble. Because if I’m going into the situation with you being that to me, there is something about me that isn’t ready for marriage which means that you might or might not be my [future] wife. Why risk it? That’s why women feel taken advantage of — they are girlfriends acting like they are a wife when they could simply date men who want a wife from the beginning. Not ‘someday.’ SOON.”
5. Malcolm. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Transactional women are not wife material. I’ve always found it odd that women will say things like, ‘If we give you sex, you should give us money.’ The oldest profession thinks like that. Don’t forget that we both get pleasure out of sex. What am I getting out of paying your bills all of the time? And a woman who thinks that way, why should a man trust her enough to marry her? You’re sleeping with me to get some sort of monetary gain? Sounds like you will weaponize intimacy in marriage because you’re manipulating it now. Men who are marriage-minded don’t find those women appealing or attractive — certainly not for the long-term or to go the distance.”
Shellie here: Yeah, I loathe that transactional nonsense too. I address it here: “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”
Giphy5. Eli. 36. In a Serious Relationship.
“A girlfriend to me is someone who there might be as many cons as there are pros to the situation, but you don’t really care because you’re not asking yourself if you can see being with this person forever — you’re enjoying them for the time that you are with them now. What women don’t get is when a man is ready for marriage, he is asking himself questions that he barely even thinks about when he’s dating: ‘Do we come to resolves quickly?’; ‘Does she get along well with my family?’; ‘Does she enjoy sex as much as I do?’; ‘Does she show traits of being a good mother?’; ‘Is she financially mature?’; ‘Is she feminine and peaceful?’; ‘Does she take good care of herself?’. When you’re just dating someone, a lot of this, you don’t even care about because, if they aren’t going to do life with you, it doesn’t really matter. When a guy wants a wife, he probably won’t even get into the whole ‘girlfriend’ title thing. She will jump from a few dates to a fiancée quick!”
6. Jario. 30. Married for Two Years.
“Wife material to me is emotional maturity. How a woman handles challenges — and I don’t mean in the relationship but in her own life is really sexy. I’ve had girlfriends in the past who freaked out about the smallest things and that was always a red flag to me; if you can’t handle a damn Amazon package arriving late or one of your friends cancelling on you at the last minute, no telling what you’ll be like if you lose your job. A woman who is more solutions-oriented than problem-stuck is a woman who is going to be hard for a man to pass by. When my wife totaled her car while we were dating and she called me all calm, I thought that she was pranking me at first. And that was when I knew she was the one. Calm in a crisis. Knowing how to handle her emotions. Focusing on what she actually can control. And she’s still like that to this day.”
Giphy7. Nyle. 42. In a Serious Relationship.
“I don’t think a lot of people who are boyfriends or girlfriends ever evolve from the mindset of high school or college. Still entitled. Still immature. Still playing games. Still focused more on what they can get from someone than what they can do for someone else. Still thinking that relationships are a fairy tale. You have to be very mature to be married. The problem is, people want to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ in marriage — they have that same stunted mentality. That’s why they can’t endure hard times and divorce is always on their mind. The same ‘If everything doesn’t go my way all of the time, I’m gonna break up’ is how they act about their marriage. They don’t even care if they said vows to God. Girlfriend material is for people who aren’t ready to bring long-term integrity and commitment to something. Because of that, wife material is rare. Marriage material, overall, is rare.”
8. Esai. 26. In a Serious Relationship.
“I found wife material about six months ago. She’s really smart. She keeps me laughing. Her relationship with God means more to her than anything else. She’s family-oriented. She’s been praying about how to become the best kind of wife. All of these things caught my attention, but the last one means the most. Women are always talking about men should chase them because a man should ‘find a wife’ but I don’t hear a lot of them talking about preparing to be that kind of woman. I think girlfriends can focus more on themselves because, technically, they are single. Wife-material is always considering another person — how to be who their future husband needs. In my eyes, that’s the difference.”
Giphy9. Stiles. 34. Engaged.
“I fumbled the ball with one woman before my fiancée — and that was because the timing wasn’t right. For the kind of woman that she was, I wasn’t in the right mental, spiritual or financial position. Everyone else? I didn’t care about being anything more than their boyfriend: we hang out, we have a good time, we have sex and if it ends, I’m actually pretty cool with that because I thought it had an expiration date on it anyway. Too many women try to get a boyfriend. Guys don’t care about that because we don’t take that role as seriously as you think. Women may think that a boyfriend is an ‘almost husband’ but most of us see it as something that probably won’t last, so we don’t invest in it like it will. That’s why, the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is seeing a woman as someone for now vs. someone for the long haul. Hey, you asked.”
10. Pearce. 50. Married for 18 Years.
“My wife was never my girlfriend. I waited until I knew I could provide a woman with a lifestyle that a wife should have and then I started looking for a wife — not a girlfriend. It took about six months. I would go on dates, usually by referral. After three of them, max, I knew if someone was what I was looking for or not. A guy at my job introduced me to my wife, three dates in, I knew she was for me. Six months later we got engaged and a year later, we got married. When a man is looking for wife material, girlfriend material is irrelevant.”
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Y’all, you can spend — or is it waste? — hours of your time listening to random women online tell you how men think…or you can actually listen to me. When it comes to how they see girlfriends vs. wives, 10 just told you. Ask some of the men in your world to share their thoughts as well.
Because why be out here focusing on one kind of material when…the fabric of a marriage…consists of something totally different.
And won’t that preach?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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