There is a specific situation that inspired me to pen this piece. There is a close male friend in my life who, up until a few weeks ago, I used to think was the ultimate commitment-phobe. It’s not that he’s not a good man — he’s actually one of my favorite people. It’s just that he’s definitely got some signs of being a serial monogamist in the sense of being in a relationship for years and not transitioning it into marriage.
Oh, but when we sat down not too long ago and he told me that he’s sure that he met “his one,” after I picked my chin up off of the ground, I asked him what caused her to stand out from the rest. “She’s wife material. None of the others were that for me.”
Wife. Material. Two definitions of material are “the substance or substances of which a thing is made or composed” and “a group of ideas, facts, data, etc., that may provide the basis for or be incorporated into some integrated work.” In order for a marriage to be a healthy and thriving one, the husband needs to be made up of a certain kind of material and the wife does as well. And, as you’re about to see, for many men, a girlfriend does not automatically translate into a potential wife.
How could that possibly be? Read on. The answers just might surprise you.
*Middle names are used so that the men can speak freely.*
Giphy1. Dreven. 37. Married for Five Years.
“I’m going to tell you ladies something that will spare you a lot of wasted time and therapy if you actually listen — for a lot of men, deciding to get married is more about timing than the person they are with. What I mean is, Shellie once told me that she read a quote that said a woman will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready and there is a lot of truth in that. Even if you show all of the traits that would make you the ultimate wife, if a man isn’t looking for that, it’s not really going to matter. A man who sees a woman as ‘wife material’ has to see marriage as being a part of his life to begin with. So, if you want to get married, date someone who feels the same way.”
Shellie here: That reminds me of an oldie-but-goodie that I once penned for the platform. If you’ve never read “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife,” it just might (further) connect some dots for you in relation to what Dreven just said.
2. Colton. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
“I think it’s crazy how women on social media are always talking about how a ‘real man’ won’t even need their help when the Bible literally calls women ‘helpmates.' They can take that up with their Lord and Savior. Not to mention stories of now-millionaires like Denzel Washington who said that his wife helped to pay for their first date and Ryan Coogler’s wife paid for some of his film equipment while they were dating. To me, a wife material woman isn’t selfish. She gets that a relationship requires give and take. She doesn’t think that she should be the only one on the receiving end of things. The woman I’m with now is totally wife material — and she is the first woman I’ve dated who has ever made me feel that way. She wants us both to win. Everything isn’t just about her.”
Shellie here: Colton’s biblical reference is Genesis 2:18(AMPC): “Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him” and that “complementary” word reminds me of another article that you might want to read at some point and time — “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.”
Giphy4. Namir. 30. Engaged.
“Girlfriends are temporary. A wife is forever. That’s how I see it. So, ‘girlfriend material’ in my eyes is someone who I’m looking to be with for a fun time not a long time. The word has ‘girl’ in it — what about that sounds serious? That’s why I never had many girlfriends. I dated a lot, but the title of ‘girlfriend’ always sounded silly to me. If I’m only going to be with you, you need to be my fiancée or wife not a girlfriend — and if I’m not ready for or even interested in that, then I’m not going to pretend like I am. If you are a girlfriend, could you become a wife? Maybe. It’s a gamble. Because if I’m going into the situation with you being that to me, there is something about me that isn’t ready for marriage which means that you might or might not be my [future] wife. Why risk it? That’s why women feel taken advantage of — they are girlfriends acting like they are a wife when they could simply date men who want a wife from the beginning. Not ‘someday.’ SOON.”
5. Malcolm. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Transactional women are not wife material. I’ve always found it odd that women will say things like, ‘If we give you sex, you should give us money.’ The oldest profession thinks like that. Don’t forget that we both get pleasure out of sex. What am I getting out of paying your bills all of the time? And a woman who thinks that way, why should a man trust her enough to marry her? You’re sleeping with me to get some sort of monetary gain? Sounds like you will weaponize intimacy in marriage because you’re manipulating it now. Men who are marriage-minded don’t find those women appealing or attractive — certainly not for the long-term or to go the distance.”
Shellie here: Yeah, I loathe that transactional nonsense too. I address it here: “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”
Giphy5. Eli. 36. In a Serious Relationship.
“A girlfriend to me is someone who there might be as many cons as there are pros to the situation, but you don’t really care because you’re not asking yourself if you can see being with this person forever — you’re enjoying them for the time that you are with them now. What women don’t get is when a man is ready for marriage, he is asking himself questions that he barely even thinks about when he’s dating: ‘Do we come to resolves quickly?’; ‘Does she get along well with my family?’; ‘Does she enjoy sex as much as I do?’; ‘Does she show traits of being a good mother?’; ‘Is she financially mature?’; ‘Is she feminine and peaceful?’; ‘Does she take good care of herself?’. When you’re just dating someone, a lot of this, you don’t even care about because, if they aren’t going to do life with you, it doesn’t really matter. When a guy wants a wife, he probably won’t even get into the whole ‘girlfriend’ title thing. She will jump from a few dates to a fiancée quick!”
6. Jario. 30. Married for Two Years.
“Wife material to me is emotional maturity. How a woman handles challenges — and I don’t mean in the relationship but in her own life is really sexy. I’ve had girlfriends in the past who freaked out about the smallest things and that was always a red flag to me; if you can’t handle a damn Amazon package arriving late or one of your friends cancelling on you at the last minute, no telling what you’ll be like if you lose your job. A woman who is more solutions-oriented than problem-stuck is a woman who is going to be hard for a man to pass by. When my wife totaled her car while we were dating and she called me all calm, I thought that she was pranking me at first. And that was when I knew she was the one. Calm in a crisis. Knowing how to handle her emotions. Focusing on what she actually can control. And she’s still like that to this day.”
Giphy7. Nyle. 42. In a Serious Relationship.
“I don’t think a lot of people who are boyfriends or girlfriends ever evolve from the mindset of high school or college. Still entitled. Still immature. Still playing games. Still focused more on what they can get from someone than what they can do for someone else. Still thinking that relationships are a fairy tale. You have to be very mature to be married. The problem is, people want to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ in marriage — they have that same stunted mentality. That’s why they can’t endure hard times and divorce is always on their mind. The same ‘If everything doesn’t go my way all of the time, I’m gonna break up’ is how they act about their marriage. They don’t even care if they said vows to God. Girlfriend material is for people who aren’t ready to bring long-term integrity and commitment to something. Because of that, wife material is rare. Marriage material, overall, is rare.”
8. Esai. 26. In a Serious Relationship.
“I found wife material about six months ago. She’s really smart. She keeps me laughing. Her relationship with God means more to her than anything else. She’s family-oriented. She’s been praying about how to become the best kind of wife. All of these things caught my attention, but the last one means the most. Women are always talking about men should chase them because a man should ‘find a wife’ but I don’t hear a lot of them talking about preparing to be that kind of woman. I think girlfriends can focus more on themselves because, technically, they are single. Wife-material is always considering another person — how to be who their future husband needs. In my eyes, that’s the difference.”
Giphy9. Stiles. 34. Engaged.
“I fumbled the ball with one woman before my fiancée — and that was because the timing wasn’t right. For the kind of woman that she was, I wasn’t in the right mental, spiritual or financial position. Everyone else? I didn’t care about being anything more than their boyfriend: we hang out, we have a good time, we have sex and if it ends, I’m actually pretty cool with that because I thought it had an expiration date on it anyway. Too many women try to get a boyfriend. Guys don’t care about that because we don’t take that role as seriously as you think. Women may think that a boyfriend is an ‘almost husband’ but most of us see it as something that probably won’t last, so we don’t invest in it like it will. That’s why, the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is seeing a woman as someone for now vs. someone for the long haul. Hey, you asked.”
10. Pearce. 50. Married for 18 Years.
“My wife was never my girlfriend. I waited until I knew I could provide a woman with a lifestyle that a wife should have and then I started looking for a wife — not a girlfriend. It took about six months. I would go on dates, usually by referral. After three of them, max, I knew if someone was what I was looking for or not. A guy at my job introduced me to my wife, three dates in, I knew she was for me. Six months later we got engaged and a year later, we got married. When a man is looking for wife material, girlfriend material is irrelevant.”
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Y’all, you can spend — or is it waste? — hours of your time listening to random women online tell you how men think…or you can actually listen to me. When it comes to how they see girlfriends vs. wives, 10 just told you. Ask some of the men in your world to share their thoughts as well.
Because why be out here focusing on one kind of material when…the fabric of a marriage…consists of something totally different.
And won’t that preach?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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