You know that feeling you get when you anxiously wait by the phone for days after an amazing first date or the rollercoaster of emotions you go through when your lover didn’t text you “right back?” What if I told you that you’re not completely cuckoo and how you respond in situations like these can be traced back to your childhood? When someone you're interested in doesn’t show up or communicate consistently, it can be triggering AF. We begin to play out all types of scenarios in our heads. These feelings of abandonment can be linked back to our relationship with our parents in our formative years. I present to you: attachment styles.
Attachment styles are characterized by different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships. During early childhood, attachment styles are developed based on how children and parents interact. Many psychologists believe that our adult personalities are unconsciously planted in our childhood experiences. The way we relate to others is believed to have been established in our very first relationships—typically with our parents. Our attachment style is thought to be based on how well our parents met our emotional needs in early life, as a result, we developed social coping habits that determine our interactions. The concept of attachment styles emerged throughout the 1960s and 1970s from the work of John Bowlby, who studied infant responses to their mothers’ leaving and babies’ reactions upon return. The theory suggests that the emotional bonds between mothers and infants influence emotional bonds in adult intimate relationships.
In adulthood, attachment styles are used to describe patterns of attachment in romantic relationships. Understanding the push and pull of the dating world is made a million times easier once we understand how we relate or "attach" to others. Attachment styles can be a useful tool in helping us understand why we feel and act the way we do in relationships. There are four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant/disorganized) that predict how we show up in relationships.
Understanding our attachment styles can also be extremely beneficial in predicting how we show up in our sex lives as well.
Anxious Attachment
Individuals with the anxious attachment style are fear driven. They are the ones who worry about their partner leaving, falling out of love, or finding someone “better.” They also tend to seek approval and make decisions based on making the other person happy as a perceived way of keeping them from leaving. Anxious types usually have lower self-esteem and carry a fear of abandonment with them into many of their relationships. This low self-esteem often translates to the bedroom as well.
Anxious types often overthink their partner’s actions and sometimes get caught in obsessive thoughts, so sex can actually be overwhelming for them. Even though anxious types crave intimacy and fear abandonment, they often struggle to actually reach true intimacy because they rarely show their authentic selves. They are so preoccupied with trying to please the other person that they struggle to let who they are shine through. These individuals are also more at risk for STIs, sexual assault, romantic obsession, and compromises in their sexuality, such as allowing people to cross previously set boundaries, or not being clear about their need for self-protection.
Adene Sanchez/Getty Images
Avoidant Attachment
Unlike those with anxious attachment, avoidant types have higher self-esteem and don’t look for outward approval, but have difficulty trusting people or asking for help. Avoidant attachment folks are uncomfortable with opening up out of fear of becoming emotionally close to people, especially romantic partners. They avoid intimacy and therefore tend to pull away from people who want to be intimate with them. Because the avoidant type finds intimacy uncomfortable, they are great at compartmentalizing sex as something that is purely physical.
Avoidant attachment individuals also use sex as a way of avoiding conflict or emotional conversation within a relationship. One study found this attachment style to have poor communication when it comes to discussing sex with a partner. Having conversations about sex requires a level of vulnerability and emotional intimacy and they avoid that at all costs. Avoidant attachment types are less interested in long-term relationships and may act impulsively when it comes to sex. They are more likely to seek casual sex out of fear of intimacy.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-avoidant, or disorganized, attachment is the combination of anxious and avoidant attachments so they basically have a hard time trusting partners and operate out of fear in their relationships. Similarly to anxious attachment, fearful-avoidant types long for intimacy but fear it. They fear abandonment and rejection from their partners, but their fear causes them to sometimes pull away or close themselves off. When it comes to sex, this group struggles with low self-esteem and sometimes doesn’t feel they’re deserving of love and intimacy. This can lead to a back and forth of wanting to keep a partner from abandoning them, but then pushing them away if they ask for intimacy because of the belief they aren’t deserving of it.
They often look to sex to meet their needs of feeling loved, but they may seek out sex that lacks emotional intimacy as a way of avoiding it. This type longs for sex within the context of a long-term relationship, but their negative beliefs of themselves often keep them from pursuing this. Individuals are less likely to connect on an intimate level. They may steer clear of demonstrating affection or responding to a partner’s needs. Sex, therefore, is more of a transactional experience, removed of its emotional intimacy, and serving personal needs such as stress relief.
LaylaBird/Getty Images
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment have the healthiest levels of trust within relationships and find peace in being intimate with those they trust. They often have high levels of self-esteem and a high sense of self-worth. They can appreciate affirmations and assurance from their partners, but they don’t feel the need to use this validation as the foundation for how they feel about themselves.
When it comes to sex, securely attached people feel comfortable in who they are and can enjoy sex in the present moment. They don’t find their minds becoming as preoccupied with trying to keep their partner interested, and they feel as though they can pursue intimacy comfortably. Whether they’re engaging in sex in a committed relationship or casually, secure types feel a strong sense of who they are that allows them to fully enjoy the moment and communicate with themselves and those they have sex with.
It’s easy for people with secure attachment to obtain intimacy. They can respond to a partner’s sexual preferences without compromising on their own needs and desires. They often have a confident approach to sexuality, allowing for exploration and play that fosters longevity in a relationship. Their secure sense of self allows them to express their emotions with others and facilitates emotional bonding.
How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style as an Adult
Not everyone is secure with themselves or in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you can’t develop a secure attachment over time. Even if you didn't have an upbringing that fostered a secure attachment style and you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it's still possible to develop a secure one as an adult. Access your current attachment style and its effects on your current relationships and develop emotional awareness of how you feel about yourself.
The first step to having a secure attachment style is to actively work on the relationship you have with yourself. Work on healing from past traumas or negative experiences in therapy. Therapy can assist with helping to purge toxic relationships and build healthy habits that will give you the necessary tools to help you be more secure in relationships.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by svetikd/Getty Images
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
