Oftentimes, burnout is associated with being overwhelmed with too much work or taking on more than you can handle on your plate. But what if I told you that some of us actually struggle with a type of burnout that's associated with underemployment and being underutilized at our jobs?
Black women face feelings of under-appreciation and challenges with underemployment at higher rates than their white peers (no surprise there).
And when you're smart, ambitious, and more than capable, this can have career-killing consequences. It's one thing to quit a job simply because it's time to move on or move to another country because it's something that's always been on your bucket list. It's another when you've hit crash-out mode and are on the verge of throwing a computer out of the window due to the anger and sadness that has built up because you've been ignored, disregarded, and underutilized at work.
If you've ever felt unmotivated, resentful, or just plain tired all the time, and it has nothing to do with your health, stress from bae and the kids, or a deep hatred for your boss, read on for signs that the type of burnout you're experiencing is not burnout, but actually boreout:
What Is "Boreout"?
Boreout is the result of working in demoralizing environments, only doing tedious grunt work, being understimulated mentally, or having feelings of being under-challenged for long periods of time. Many people quietly quit when this happens or simply check out from doing their best at the office.
I once stepped away from a gig because of this, gladly sending in my resignation email simply because, after bringing my years of experience and stellar work results—along with having recently earned a master's degree—I felt like I was being treated like an intern who's expected to just mindlessly take orders.
I also felt like the person managing me at the time prioritized nitpicking whenever I'd make a minor mistake versus actually tapping into my strategic skills to make larger decisions that would benefit the company. I was often left in the dark about larger projects or budgets (something someone in that type of role at the time is traditionally included in because they can't do their jobs effectively without it.) I'd ask questions and even present ideas but would be given the brush-off or gaslit.
When I'd initially taken on the role, what was sold to me at the onset as a real leadership position actually turned into a role primarily focused on monotonous, archaic routines, vague feedback, mind-numbing proofreading work (which I'd advanced beyond more than 10 years ago) and a blatant disregard of the creative and sales skin I had in the game. (To be fair, many roles related to what I do include the aforementioned tasks, but at my experience and educational level, those tasks should not have dominated my workdays.)
Now, I'm not comparing myself to LeBron, but do ya'll think he'd take millions to sit on the bench? Nah. Y'all think Beyoncé would take millions to sing backup or do the concert budget paperwork? Hell nah.
Y'all think Issa would be jumping up and down with joy to spend the entirety of every day emailing script revisions and updating cast schedules for a living? What ambitious, talented person do you know wants to stifle their creative growth and waste their talents, even for a paycheck? And funny enough, the pay didn't even match the efforts and extra hours I was putting in to accommodate the constant menial asks.
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I asked, very directly, about whether certain tasks could be delegated so that I could focus on the broader leadership tasks the job description originally reflected. In so many ways, the effort to accommodate that request was subtly sabotaged or made to seem like an inconvenience for the company, resulting in my having to go back and do those tasks anyway.
I felt drained, disrespected, and underpaid. I also started to question my strategic and leadership abilities, almost reversing years of therapy wins. I'd told myself I'd never allow a person or a job to have such an effect, so I quit before things went too far.
I had other options, so I decided to lean more heavily into roles with teams that respected the leadership skills I actually brought to the table and showed that respect through action (i.e., real autonomy, a pay raise, duties that matched my job title, and projects that allowed me to try new things and make real groundbreaking decisions.)
I also decided to level up academically —since my brand of petty includes over-achievement—pursuing even more formal education in order to further challenge myself intellectually. I just felt like people were playing in my face. (And hey, maybe they weren't, but that's how I felt at the time). The Capricorn in me sees that as a challenge to beat myself by doing more. (And the TikTok streets might call this "Black Girl Boredom," but that's a totally different thing. I love being a student and love everything that comes with traditional studies.)
Here's more on how boreout can show up and how to address it:
Signs You're Experiencing Boreout and How To Cope
1. You're triggered into angry fits over the simplest ask.
If you find yourself, every day, having to fight the urge to read somebody in an email response, the boreout has gotten its claws into you, especially when the email is a simple request or follow-up.
I found myself having to do this since I'd gotten tired of doing menial work and becoming the point person for putting out numerous small fires every week. I'd literally be at my home office desk (or at a beachside restaurant) cursing aloud, rewriting emails to force politeness and remain professional. I'd have to take deep breaths and re-read emails multiple times to calm myself down and recenter my thoughts so that I could offer an appropriate response. I'd rewrite responses or simply use very stale AI replies. It became toxic and impacted my productivity.
At this point, it's time to make some changes because you don't want to become bitter and allow this to impact your quality of work or your reputation.
Like I mentioned earlier, I quit, but if you don't want to do the same (or simply can't, for various very valid reasons), try talking to a therapist, coach, or another trusted person in your field first. Get things off your chest and process through the triggers. Then, write down why the emails are becoming a problem and solutions that you can present to your boss to delegate tasks or update systems so that you can refocus on other work that empowers you.
2. You're oftentimes late and you no longer care.
You used to be happy to come to a meeting with your big ideas, but now, since it seems like your boss has relegated you to the status of intern or assistant (despite those not being your job titles), you're not motivated to show up and you dread even attending. Why care? Your input is not acknowledged or respected anyway, right?
Wrong. Come to meetings at work on time and prepared, and do it for the future you, with the understanding that you're not going to let anybody stop your career advancement or cause you to give up your values and integrity.
I've found that when we tolerate and normalize adjusting to toxic situations for too long, we take on bad habits, and at the end of the day, those bad habits are only going to hurt you in the long run. Nip this in the bud by finding another advocate you can partner with to get your ideas in front of the right people.
If that's not possible, take on a lunchtime or after-work hobby or a service position outside of work where you can use your leadership skills and be affirmed in them.
And take the personal out of it. If the company doesn't want your ideas, use them for something else (i.e., finding a new job, starting a side hustle, or volunteering). Maybe your boss is an asshole, but that fact isn't going to pay your mounting therapist bills, pick you up off the toilet after a night of drinking to cope (been there) or help your professional development.
3. You find yourself with a lot of free time at work and you're doing nothing about it.
Some people see this as a good thing, but when you're an ambitious, smart leader, this is career death. As much as I love the soft life and having ease and flexibility, I don't enjoy the effects of brain rot. I can't stand wasted time, money, and potential.
You could really ruin your future by just sitting in a position doing close to nothing to collect a check. While financially, it might be beneficial, think about how this impacts your actual growth, intelligence, and future opportunities. The goal for an ambitious woman is to continue to rise, and the higher you go, the less easy it is to fake excellence. You can't build excellence through inaction, and you need projects that challenge you in order to level up.
I've left jobs that pay almost six figures due to this. It's not about the money. If I'm not being challenged and respected or I'm not involved in projects that actually have an impact (that I had an active hand in making successful), I've not lived out my purpose, and I've done a disservice to the people I seek to serve.
If you have a college degree, you're called to leadership, you have a deep passion for an issue or community, or you want to be a great example to your children, this is something you have to address ne-ow. Don't let people play with your time and the most valuable asset you have: your human potential. Time is expensive, so make it count.
Take note of the tasks you're being given, your actual job title and description, and why you still have lots of free time once those things are done. I promise you'll find gaps or opportunities being missed to be greater. And if it's because your manager won't delegate and is icing you out as a former one did to me, find out why. Have a candid conversation, talk to your HR professional, mentor, or coach in your industry, and figure out solutions to ensure that your time and talents are truly being tapped into.
Otherwise, you need to seek other opportunities that will respect the value of time and talent because, trust me, there are people out here making millions simply because they don't play around with their time.
4. You're feeling extremely insecure even though you've done great work. Your ideas, while dismissed, are smart and could be effective.
Ekaterina Goncharova/Getty
For ambitious, smart women, especially creatives, doing too much grunt work, not being respected for our unique and very valuable skills, or being underutilized in a position can suck the life out of us, eventually burning out the actual desire to even come up with dynamic, amazing ideas that could keep a company in business and help it advance.
When you're stuck only dotting i's and crossing t's instead of being involved in the big-picture experiences, especially at the mid- and senior-level career stage, not only is it energy-zapping, but it can have a negative impact on your overall mental health.
With the previous boreout scenario I mentioned, I'd be forced to spend valuable hours proofreading dozens of articles and answering trivial back-and-forth emails with writers instead of using my time to empower a college student or entry-level professional to get experience doing this while I think of (and execute) plans that could bring more money into the company.
The same could be the case for you:
You're constantly answering asinine emails instead of spending the day coming up with a stellar marketing strategy that could bring new and bigger partners to the table. You're constantly being asked to lead meetings that could have been emails instead of being out in the field recruiting. You're making copies, organizing files, and typing up reports instead of actually using the skills you honed after excelling in your master's-level social science program.
You're constantly being reprimanded over petty things at your medical industry job instead of being empowered to lead an initiative— which you've done several times in previous roles and why you were hired—that could help staff work smarter or better engage with the patients they serve.
If you're feeling the brunt of boreout, take action today to get your life back and tap into the greatness you know you offer. Put some respect on your own name by not tolerating environments that accommodate boreout. Take a professional and strategic stance to ensure you're offering yourself the best by advocating for yourself. Quit if you have to, and don't let boreout ruin your passion for the work that you've been called to do.
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Waiting To See If They Are ‘The One?’ These Dating Tests Will Prove If Bae Is A Keeper Or A Counterfeit.
We’ve all been there: you meet the special person who sweeps you off your favorite stilettos. The rose-colored glasses are glued on tightly, and the butterflies in your stomach are fluttering and leave you woozy in infatuation and hope.
You can’t wait to dive into the group chat and gush to your girlfriends that you’ve finally met someone worthy of the goodness of you. And then the caveat hits. “I dunno, girl, I hope they are the one. We’ll see.”
While some women resort to the auspices of time sorting their nebulous love life out, the rest of us with little-to-no patience for wasting precious time, scram to our arsenal of weeding out mechanisms, aka relationshiptests.
Deploying CIA operative-level strategic tests just to prove whether bae is a keeper or a counterfeit may conjure a hard eye roll, deep sigh, or exhaustion–because who really wants to add one more task to an already booked and busy agenda? No one wants to play mental gymnastics when love should ideally come effortlessly. But the more intentional and prudent you are in the initial stages of dating–the more time, energy, and resources you save in the long run. (Not to mention, save on any potential heartbreak).
Here are four tried-and-true relationship tests:
The Soup Test
If your momma, auntie, or granny ever warned you, “Never buy a man a pair of shoes, because they’ll be the same shoes he’ll walk out of life with,” and yet, you proceeded without caution because you were so desperately in love that you bought him Jordans for his birthday on credit anyway, then you already know that gifting bae accouterments–anything from a homecooked meal to material goods–is a defining factor to test whether he’s a seat filler or the main attraction.
One judicious woman on Threads has coined her relationship test as “the soup test.” She suggests, “If you wanna know if someone actually likes you or views you as a convenience/space filler, try the soup test (as long as you’re open to getting dumped lol).”
She hypothesizes, “If you make your situationship something nice to eat as a gift (soup, a nice dinner, banana bread, etc.), they will likely break up with you within the week.”
Meanwhile, the person who does value you and desires a long-term relationship will appreciate you and your thoughtful efforts.
Both men and women are confirming that the Soup Test has merit. One woman shared, “I was seeing a guy for a couple months and made him cupcakes for his birthday. I never got the cupcake holder back…”
One bold man admitted, “Broke up with my last girlfriend after she tried to cook a meal for me in my flat after looking after my pet while I was away. She thought it would be a sweet thing for when I got home, I felt like it was part of a pattern of her trying to make my space ‘our’ space and over-inserting herself into my life. So I guess this is anecdotal evidence from the other side that ‘the soup test’ works 🤦🏼♂️. Still feel like an arsehole.”
The Sick Test
Taking wedding vows, promising to love your spouse “in sickness and in health,” isn’t just for married folks; it’s a great temperature test to unequivocally determine if the person you’re dating cares for you and has imprinted you as a meaningful part of their future.
I’ve been using the “sick test,” for nearly a decade, when I noticed how the vast majority of the men I was casually dating (and had high hopes that it would evolve into more) would disappear during my quarantine and resurface once I was back to good health. Only in rare instances, did a couple of long-term partners show up in my time of need, or display deep empathy.
Like my platonic male friend who I had zero attraction for. He’d send both me and our mutual girlfriends care packages whenever we were under the weather. Naturally, upon reflecting on the countless ways he showed up for me, like none of his predecessors, I fell in love with him. His generosity ignited a relationship that lasted four years.
The sick test taught me that if you tell the person you’re dating about your infirmities and they say, “Aww, feel better,” girl, run! Delete, block, and move on because if he or she doesn’t care about you at your lowest, there will likely be more areas of your life that they will be absent or unsupportive in.
Conversely, when you’re the one with a robust roster, the sick test can immediately give you clarity on who to kick to the curb. In the initial stages of meeting two guys–one was a talent manager, the other was an entrepreneur–I’d gone on lovely dinner dates with both guys when the talent manager abruptly became sick and had to cancel our second date. I gave him a long list of healthy natural remedies to quell his flu and wished him well.
Around the same time, the entrepreneur with who I had undeniable chemistry and visions of birthing his children, had also come down with a cold, and though I had a jam-packed work schedule and lived 35 miles away from him, I eagerly offered to buy the same healthy natural remedies I did for the other guy and trek out to his house to make sure he got them.
And then it hit me – I had to snip the talent manager from the short-listed roster. Once I came down with a nasty cold months later, and the entrepreneur was by my side to take care of me, it confirmed that the sick test facilitated the best man winning me over.
The Provision Test
If you are seeking a provider, discerning whether they have a provider spirit before you co-sign the lease, start a family, or say “I do,” will save you tremendous time and effort. Many women often ask, “How do I know if he’s a provider?”
Internet dating guru, Leticia Padua, aka SheraSeven advocates to test to see if a man is a provider by asking him to fulfill a financial need.
“If he offers to do something for you financially; If you come up with a fake problem that costs money to solve, and he solves it.”
A girlfriend of mine was dating a successful Black engineer for a few months, and she had a real problem to solve. Her engineer beau boasted that he was great at building things, and if she ever needed anything to let him know. As such, when she ordered a brand-new orthopedic bed that required assembly, she decided to see if he was a man who was committed to his word and would fulfill her need.
When he asked her what her weekend plans were, she lamented that she needed to spend considerable time assembling her oversized bed. He brushed off her laborious task and said they’d connect the following weekend. It wasn’t until she subsequently broke the courtship off and voiced her concern over his lack of help that he said he would have assisted her if she had asked.
Though she failed to directly ask for his help, a true provider would’ve heard her problem and provided a solution. He would’ve paid for a service like Task Rabbit or rolled up his sleeves since he flaunted that he was “a great builder.” Men who are bonafide providers are generous givers who love to solve a problem. While men who prioritize themselves, are takers who will do the bare minimum or not even lift a finger when you need their help.
The Removal Prayer
Social media is abuzz with endless anecdotes and comedic skits sharing the consensus of the infamous prayer that will expeditiously usher in newfound clarity to the situationship or relationship you’re in.
Coined as “the removal prayer” it’s a simple request, petitioning God to reveal if the person you’re dating is The One. When you can’t see the forest from the trees, the removal prayer mashes the gas pedal on sifting through the frogs and your prince.
But as with any test, you must brace yourself for what happens next. If you don’t have the strength to cut the wrong one off, don’t worry, God will discard them before you can say “amen.” I can’t tell you how many dates I wasted hoping, waiting, and wishing it would work out. After trying every draconian measure in the playbook, including abstinence, I was still coming up immeasurably short. One day, I threw up my hands and relinquished my miserable dating life to God.
Upon exchanging numbers with any new suitor, I began to always ask God to reveal their true character and intentions, and to remove them if they are not “The One.” Ever since then, I’ve witnessed countless counterfeits masquerading as husband material, surreptitiously vanish.
Sometimes, it stings when the one you had lofty hopes for evaporates into the air–especially if you’ve invested several months or years. But it’s better to cut your losses sooner than later and create a healthy space for the right one to find you.
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