
A poet by the name of Ivan Nuru once said, “If it’s out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too.” Because some of my clients struggle with getting a good night’s rest due to incessant overthinking, I have found myself sharing that quote with them from to time — because the reality is, if you’ve done your best (and you’re being honest about whether that is indeed the truth or not), what else can you do? It, whatever “it” may be, needs to be released, so that you can stop stressing yourself out, especially when it comes to rejuvenating your mind, body, and spirit via some much-needed rest — and sleep.
One thing that can help you out in this department is the art of thought blocking (you can read a bit more about that here). Something else that you can do is decide to become what is known as a mindful sleeper. If you’re curious about what that is and what it entails, below, I will strive to explain it in a way that will make it easy for you to implement mindfulness into your sleep routine as soon as…tonight.
What Are the Nine Principles of Mindfulness?
You’ve probably already heard somewhere that mindfulness is all about being in the moment; however, since it’s such a buzzword these days, I thought that it would be a good idea to share what the nine principles of overall mindfulness are, as it specifically relates to sleep, just so that you can grasp a greater insight into how it can help you to rest better.
Mindfulness is about having:
1. A beginner’s mind, which is all about not focusing on any other night but tonight.
2. Non-striving, which is all about not trying to force yourself to fall asleep.
3. Letting go, which is all about releasing labels that make you feel like a failure when it comes to finding sleep as a challenge for you; it’s also about releasing unrealistic expectations as you try to figure out what sleep practices are truly best for you.
4. Non-judgment, which is all about not trying to “grade” your sleep performance.
5. Acknowledging and accepting, which are all about acknowledging the fact that some nights are easier than others as far as sleep is concerned while accepting that there aren’t always immediate hacks that will work — and that is okay.
6. Trust, which is all about believing that, one way or another, your body will eventually self-regulate.
7. Patience, which is all about knowing that developing an effective sleep routine takes time.
8. Gratitude, which is all about choosing to focus on the good in your life when you can’t sleep instead of the bad (including not being able to sleep).
9. Generosity is all about thinking about the parts of your life that you share with others while also being intentional about sharing what is positive in your world as you allow those around you to do the same (during your waking hours).
If you read these and sense a pattern, I would agree. At the end of the day (pun intended), sleep mindfulness is about letting yourself off of the hook as far as rest and relaxation are concerned. The method to the madness in doing that is stress plays a huge role in sleeplessness.
And so, the more you remain in the moment and also the more that you let go of any tension you may be feeling by implementing these nine principles, the easier it will be to find the quality of sleep that you desire.
Why You Should Practice Sleep Meditation?
GiphyYou know, a wise person once said that you shouldn’t remove one thing without replacing it with something else — not if you don’t want to return to the former thing, anyway. So, as you’re in the process of applying those mindful principles to your sleep routine, something that you may want to add is sleep meditation. Since one of the main points of meditation, overall, is getting you to focus on being in the moment, it would make sense that it would be a part of becoming a mindful sleeper, right?
Although there are different types of meditation that you can do that may help you to rest easier and better (you can read about some of them here), mindful meditation is relatively simple. It’s all about deep breathing and muscle relaxation.
Pretty much all that you need to do is make sure that your room is as dark as possible (minus maybe a scented candle to soothe your senses), get into a comfortable position, think of a place that makes you feel tranquility and harmony, and then take slow and deeper breaths from your nose as you exhale through your mouth — all while focusing on nothing but the present moment. That’s it? Pretty much.
If you’re new to sleep meditation, it’ll be counterproductive to stress yourself out about doing it perfectly, so start off with meditating for five minutes or so. As you become more comfortable, try and get to the point where you’re able to do it for about 15-20 minutes a night. That’s a good window to calm your mind, body, and spirit all the way down before getting into bed. Then, once you are all cozy and comfortable, consider applying the following sleep hacks, so that you can stay asleep once you actually fall asleep.
6 Ways to Be a (More) Mindful Sleeper
GiphyIt can’t be said enough that mindfulness is about staying in the moment. That said, here are six (other) things that can help you to become a more mindful sleeper (which, honestly, is something that we all should strive for).
1. Get off of your devices.
I’ve got a girlfriend who is pretty much a phone addict. Know what else she is? An insomniac. The fact that she refuses to put those two things together never ceases to amaze me because there is plenty of data to support that the light from your phone’s screen can do a real number on the melatonin levels that your body needs in order to rest.
Not only that, but how can you focus on yourself and being still in the moment if you’re reading all of the celeb gossip on various apps? Sis, if you’re really serious about sleep, the devices need to go off (including if you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night). The nonsense will be there when you wake up. Trust me.
2. Participate in body scan meditation.
Another type of meditation that is gaining more traction is something known as body scan meditation. Basically, it’s all about getting calm, still, and quiet enough to see if you feel any specific sensations throughout your body. If you do happen to notice some tension, tightness, or uncomfortableness somewhere, validate that by pondering what could be the cause. It’s a way to help you feel more connected to your body, which actually can help you to relax more. You can read about how to do a body scan meditation properly here.
3. Name five good things about your day. Then give thanks.
Stress and worry are not your friends, especially when it comes to sleep. One way to do them less is to bring gratitude into your sleep space; one way to do that is to verbalize five good things that happened during your day (no matter how big or small) and then express gratitude for them. It’s another way to reduce stress levels in your system. Science backs it.
4. “Bore yourself.”
I have a friend who once said to me that only sociopaths watch movies on their phones. Yeah, whatever, dude. LOL. Although I don’t have a television in my bedroom (by design), sometimes I’m like, “Hell, I might as well” to that, and I will watch a movie on my phone and think absolutely nothing of it. When it comes to being a mindful sleeper, it’s definitely a counterproductive act because you don’t need to do things that will stimulate you; actually, it’s best to do things that will bore you to tears — which is actually where acts like counting sheep can come in handy.
Even if it’s something like lying on your back and listening to a guided meditation YouTube video, be intentional about being bored. In a way, it’s its own form of melatonin, whether you realize it or not.
5. If you happen to wake up, go to another room (for a moment).
I once read an article that said that if you’re unable to sleep after 20 minutes of being in bed, you should go to another room to meditate, sip on some tea, or read a book chapter. The method behind the madness is if you toss and turn in your bed for long periods of time, it can “program” your mind to associate your bedroom with sleeplessness, which could ultimately end up doing more harm than good. Actually, when you stop to think about it, that makes a lot of sense.
6. If you share a bed — cuddle.
It was about this time last year that I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Simply put, if you want to fall asleep, have an orgasm. I’m. Not. Playing. Or shoot, at least do some cuddling with your partner. Between the bonding and feelings of safety that being close to someone else provides due to the oxytocin that is present and how much cuddling can actually relax your senses while creating feelings of positivity, it’s one of the most comfortable — and proven — ways to lull you to sleep.
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A psychologist by the name of Susan Albers once said, “Training your mind to be in the present moment is the number one key to making healthier choices.” As you can see, this doesn’t just apply to when you’re awake — training your mind to be mindful can benefit you, greatly, while you’re asleep too.
Sweet dreams, sis.
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Sergio Hudson On Designing With Intention And Who Gets Left Out Of The Industry
Sergio Hudson dreamt big as a young South Carolina boy staring out of the window of his mom’s Volvo driving down the Ridgeway, South Carolina streets. Those dreams led him to design opulent tailoring that’s been worn by Beyoncé, Queen Latifah, former Vice President Kamala Harris and Forever First Lady Michelle Obama, just to name a few.
Those dreams have come full circle in a new way as he recently collaborated with Volvo for a mini capsule collection suitable for chic and stylish moments this fall. The 40-year-old designer follows a long legacy of fashion aficionados who’ve used their innovation to push the automotive industry forward, including Virgil Abloh, Eddie Bauer, Paul Smith and Jeremy Scott.
Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.

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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”

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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”

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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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