As a marriage life coach who is more than aware of the fact that the current divorce rate for first-time marriages continues to hover around the 50 percent mark (with second marriages being 60 percent and third 73 percent), I'll be the first one to say that I don't care if you've been married for one year or 50, every time your anniversary rolls around, it's a BIG TIME MILESTONE — one that needs to be celebrated to its absolute fullest.
For this very reason, I thought it would be a good idea to share some ways that you and yours can honor, bless and rejoice in the fact that you chose to make your marriage work for another 365 days. Whether you decide to implement all 12 of these or just a few, I hope each one will remind you that monogamous love is nothing to casually shrug about. Sis, it's a really, REALLY big deal and for making yours last, I personally salute you. Now let's get to these ideas.
1. Rent a Dream Vacation House
Whether you live in a house, apartment, condo or townhome, most of us have an idea of a dream house that we wish we could at least spend a couple of nights in. Thanks to websites like Vrbo and home to go, you can find beach homes, cabins or even huge houses that are either close to your own house or in another city; ones that can make you feel like a millionaire — even if it's only for a few days or so.
2. Redo a Wedding Day Photo
There's a wife I know who has a really cute anniversary tradition. Every year, she and her husband put on their original wedding attire and take a professional photo shoot in a different location. Aside from the fact that it's dope as hell that she's able to still fit into her dress after over 15 years and a few kids, what I really like about this idea is it shows how time transitions people while the commitment remains intact.
Let me tell it, not enough people take formal pictures anymore. So, whether you decide to replicate your wedding day or just take some couple shots in general, consider getting a photographer to take a picture that you can blow up, frame and post up in your home. Listen, I totally believe that couples who remain committed are their own "work of art".
3. “Update” Your Wedding Vows
When it comes to a really beautiful sentiment, I know a few married folks who have their original wedding vows framed, matted and hung somewhere in their house. Along these same lines, whenever I'm dealing with a couple who feels like they are taking each other for granted, I will oftentimes encourage them to each write a list of things that they adore about each other and then put the lists someplace where they can both see them (like their bedroom mirror or refrigerator) on a consistent basis. In the spirit of both of these points, a sweet — and in many ways, purposeful — thing that you and your spouse can do is update your marriage vows.
What I mean by that is, I'm pretty sure that on your wedding day, you saw love, marriage and the keys to commitment quite differently than the way you do now that you're living life out on a daily basis. By revisiting your vows and then adding on your thoughts, insights and declarations, it can remind both you and yours of where you started and also how far the both of you have come.
4. Have a Chef Make Your Wedding Reception Meal
If there's one thing that the majority of married couples who I've talked to over the years have told me was a total blur about their wedding day, it was their wedding reception. Between the excitement of it all, trying to spend at least a little bit of time with everyone and hopefully getting at least a couple of dances in, even if their reception went well into the night, it ended up feeling like merely a few minutes. On top of that, because sitting down didn't get to happen a lot, many didn't get to enjoy their reception meal either.
One way to "correct that mistake" is to hire a chef to come and make the food that was on your reception menu all over again. Or, if the food that you did taste happened to suck or you both low-key wish that you had served something entirely different, a chef can do that for you too. Hire A Chef is one website that can point you into the right direction as far as personal chefs go.
5. Get a Bakery to Replicate a Mini Wedding Cake
I'm pretty sure you've heard of the anniversary tradition that consists of freezing your wedding cake and then having a slice of it on your anniversary. While I dig it, it's important to put on record that you really shouldn't do this for more than your newlywed (the first two) years; even then, the second year probably won't taste all that hot because of the potential for freezer burn.
Hopefully, your marriage is going to last (or already has lasted) for longer than a couple of years. So, if you want to continue having a slice of wedding-themed cake for years to come, hit up a local bakery (one that specializes in wedding cakes), send them a picture of your wedding cake along with its flavor and have them make you a smaller version. That way, it will always be fresh, and you can keep the tradition going.
6. Mark Your Marriage Milestones
Again, if marriage is nothing else, it's a long list of milestones.
If you're someone who likes to go the DIY route when it comes to anniversary presents, why not make something that consists of your marriage milestones? You know, things like when you met, your first date, your first kiss, your first trip together, the first time you both said, "I love you", the day you got engaged, etc. It can be a collage of pictures, hearts that have the dates underneath — anything that you can frame put up in your living room or bedroom.
Something that I really like about this particular idea is it's super affordable, can be fun to make and, it's a great way for couples to remember all of the good times through the years (bonus: it'll be hard for your husband to forget dates when they're posted up somewhere!).
7. Buy Each Other a “to the Nines” Outfit
While I know that things like jewelry is pretty common when it comes to the higher end of anniversary-related gift giving, something that I think couples should do more often instead is to get each other a full outfit (head to toe), so that they can dress up and out — all out. I think I've shared before that there's a married couple that I know who haven't been on a formal date in almost 10 years of their almost 40-year marriage (what in the world?!). Shopping for your boo is not only a lot of fun, it can also get you excited about planning the kind of date that you probably went on when you were first going out. First, find the attire and then plan the kind of place that is fitting for it. It's a great way to up the ante as far as romance in your relationship goes.
8. Watch a Movie from the Year You Were Married
What if you and yours are the kind of people who like to approach anniversaries from more of a low-key and casual standpoint? Understood. If that's the case, how about ordering in and watching a couple of movies from the year that the two of you got married? The cool thing about this particular idea is it can cultivate a kind of nostalgia that could get the two of you talking about all kinds of stuff from what the music and fashion was like at that time to the types of movie dates you went on back in the day. Shoot, every time I see an episode of Martin or listen to Brian McKnight's debut LP, my freshman year of college immediately comes to mind. Amazing how pop culture will do that to you.
9. Slow Drag to Your Wedding Reception Playlist
Outside from the y'all's first dance and maybe the dance that each of you had with your parents, do you even remember what the DJ played at your wedding reception? Hopefully, you've still got a copy of the playlist, a CD or something that will help to jog your memory. If you do, play it and do a little slow dancing together. If you don't, create a playlist of love songs from the years that you dated thru the day you got married. The only thing that will make it better is if you do the dancing…naked.
10. Take a Sex Workshop Online
Speaking of nudity, I've shared many times before on this platform that an underrated reason for why couples go through troubling times in their marriage is because they are bored — including sexually bored (check out "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). Something that could prevent this from happening in your own relationship is to attend a sex workshop online. As far as finding one, one approach is to you to your favorite search engine and put "online sex workshops" in the search field. Another angle is to skim the article "12+ Black Sex Educators Who Are Blazing Sex-Positive Trails" and ask some of those professionals if they know any Black-community-specific workshops that you can sign up for. After all, knowledge is power…right?
11. Upcycle Your Wedding Night
A word that I personally like a lot is "upcycle". It basically means that you are improving upon the original. Well, considering that reportedly 52 percent of couples don't even have sex on their wedding night and the word "consummate" literally means to complete something, I also think wedding anniversaries can also be about literally upcycling your wedding night.
Maybe wear the lingerie that you wore that night (if you still have it) yet bring in some sex condiments (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"), experiment with some new sex positions ("These Intimate Sex Positions Will Up The Ante On Your Orgasms"), give your man a sexy massage ("Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage"), take oral sex up a few notches ("12 Things You Should Do During Oral Sex (That You Probably Aren't)" and/or knock some things off of your sex bucket list ("This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of 'Sex Bucket List'"). There are lots of studies to support that married sex continues to be the best kind of sex. Remind your boo and yourself of how far the both of you have come since your wedding night went down.
12. Have a “Sex Brunch” the Following Day
After a night of amazing sex (because sex on your wedding anniversary should be about celebrating each other on a whole 'nother level), make it a priority to sleep in and then to have, what I call, a sex brunch — foods that fall into the aphrodisiac cuisine list. Some of those include chocolate (chocolate chip pancakes); strawberries (strawberry breakfast cake); figs (honey and fig breakfast bowls); cinnamon (cinnamon rolls); sweet potato (sweet potato hash); apples (pan-seared sausage and apples); avocados (blueberry and avocado muffins); bananas (peanut butter and banana French toast); salmon (salmon breakfast tacos), and champagne (mimosas). At the very least, it'll be a delicious way to culminate your anniversary. Or, it could give you the fuel that you need to do a little bit of more, umm, upcycling. Either way, congrats!
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Not to mention the fact that the average height for men in this country is 5’9” (genetics play a huge role in that), and — get this — only 15 percent of American men are 6’ and over. And you know what that means, right? If you decide to not even give a shorter guy a chance, you are cutting out 85 percent of the male population.
I know that some of y’all couldn’t care less about anything that I just said — you have a type, you want what you want, and you’re sticking to it. Yet what if staying close-minded is costing you without you even realizing it? Because while having a preference (knowing what you naturally gravitate to) is more than fine, an unfounded prejudice (an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason) is something that’s completely different. And the reality is the latter could be blocking you from your blessing.
To further solidify my point, I asked some men who fit into the height majority (some of y’all will catch that later) to share their thoughts on being under 6’ and how that can actually be a win in the realm of relationships. Some of their thoughts just might show you how you could be “coming up short” by not dating them.
(As always, middle names are used.)
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1. Roman. 31. Married. 5’7”.
“I’ve never had a problem being short — or at least, what our culture says is short. Only athletes in my school were super tall, and I find women with heels on to be sexy because I’m a legs man. I guess I’m lucky because I don’t even remember hearing ‘short man jokes’ back in the day. As far as what makes short guys a good catch, overall, is I think that we have such a level of confidence and self-awareness that makes our brand of masculinity appealing…at least, that’s what my wife says. She’s 5’4” and has always preferred guys who are on the shorter side of things.”
2. Caide. 29. In a Serious Relationship. 5’5”.
“I ain’t got no lies for you. When I was growing up, I was pissed about being the size that I am now. It wasn’t so much because of women — I just didn’t like it. Once I got to college and met this 5’10” girl who I dated for about two semesters, my entire perspective changed. We both like fashion a lot and have hella natural style. Before long, we had a reputation for being trendsetters on campus, and people liked that she didn’t care that I was shorter and that I got over the fact that she was pretty much towering over me when she had on her heels. When two people like each other, no matter what, there’s something really appealing about that. My lady now is taller than me too. Ask me if either one of us cares.”
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3. Jakari. 45. Married. 5’7”.
“I’ve never understood why a woman who is five feet thinks that she needs a man who is towering over her. If she even got with a guy who is 5’5”, he’s gonna be taller than her. Relax."
"Anyway, my wife is 5’6” and she’s gonna keep some heels on her feet. The two boyfriends before her were over 6 [feet], and treated her like sh-t. She said that a man who is tall in character beats a man with height any day. You see who she’s with…right?”
4. Nicco. Single. 5’3”.
“Some men have a so-called ‘Napoleon Complex,’ I won’t lie. But for the most part, if you ask any woman about the traits of shorter men, they are almost always gonna say that we’re funny, charismatic, and great communicators. Those are things that we had to work at so that our height wasn’t the main focal point. If you want one hell of a good time, a short man is almost gonna guarantee you that. I swear, y’all be missin’ out.”
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5. Elias. Married. 5’6”.
“I’ve personally never really cared what people think. For what? Folks change like the weather. I personally think that’s what a lot of women found attractive about me. Why should I stress over something that I cannot change or want someone who doesn’t want me over something as shallow as my height? I once read that people who care about what others think tend to be paranoid, unstable and that they constantly blow things out of proportion. No woman is gonna feel safe around that kind of man. Embracing who you are and then maximizing its potential is gonna make you stand out — no matter how tall you are.”
6. Oryn. Single. 5’3”.
“You asked, so I’ll tell you why so many women trip. It’s because they think that ‘short’ automatically means ‘small.’ Please tell them that penis size has to do with genetics, not height, and there are a lot of tall men who won’t bless you like some of the shorter fellas well. That sh-t needs to be taught in science class because the way that ignorance gets spread is wild, boy.”
(Shellie here: He’s right. Some of the tallest guys that I’ve been with had some of the smallest packages. Please let the hand and shoe-size myth go.)
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7. Enzo. 25. In a Serious Relationship. 5’8”.
“Back when I was trying to get my now-girlfriend to go out with me, I asked her who her favorite celebrity was. She said, Usher. In my mind, I thought, ‘Perfect!’ because I already knew what his height was. I said, ‘I thought you said that you’re not into short men,’ and when she said, ‘I’m not,’ I said, ‘Google the brotha.’ You should do it too because that man is 5’8” — just like me. I took her to his show in Vegas, and we’ve been going strong ever since. It’s kind of wild how that totally changed her perspective — just realizing that he’s not as big as she made him up in her mind to be. Pretty sure that there’s a deep life lesson in that.”
8. Langdon. Married. 5’5”.
“Back when I was dating my wife, she said that she was concerned about what people would think when they saw us out. She wondered if they would assume that she was settling because she’s close to 5’10”. All we get are compliments because we’re often told that our style and energy are attractive. She also said that I’m what made her finally consent to the fact that we all really are the same height lying down. I’ll let y’all read between the lines with that one.”
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9. Carter. 40. Engaged. 5’7”.
“I’m not playin’ these games. While women are out here turning their nose up at ‘regular’ short guys, their favorite celebrities are short too. I work in entertainment, and even the ones who claim they are 6’ are usually lyin’. Pay attention to how women measure up to men the next time you watch a movie or television show. Watch how many guys are eye to eye with the ladies. Y’all don’t care about height as much as you think you do…so long as men have other things to bring to the table.”
(Shellie here: I got to give this “height hack” to him because I once read that the average height for leading men is around 5’9” while the average leading lady clocks in at about 5’5”. Do with that what you will, chile.)
10. Braylon. 32. Single. 5’8”.
“Hypocritical jargon and double standards withstanding — women having preferences don’t bother me. I just tend to ask women who claim that you have to be a certain height to ‘ride their ride’ to explain where they are coming from because a lot of them only repeat what someone else has said as far as the whole height thing goes. As far as what they’re missing, I think it should be approached from a different angle — if you’re so caught up in a man having to be a certain size to even get a date with you, aren’t you setting yourself up to miss out on some really great people?
"Wanting a tall person for no reason than ‘just because’ is limiting. As for me and my dating life, I’m doing just fine. You’d be amazed how many more dates you can get when you’re open to different types of people.”
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11. Jaxen. 34. Single. 5’4”.
“I’ll put it to you this way: There are certain sex positions that can be enjoyed so much more because two people are standing eye to eye. Hell, even a hug and kiss can feel more intimate when your bodies are lined up with each other. I don’t have to sell anyone on it — too many women have told me directly. Short guys are up to the challenge of making women fans of their size. Trust me.”
12. Roosevelt. Married. 5’8”.
“Remember when you told me about that woman who said that she didn’t need a tall man because she had a father to look up to? My wife told me something similar. She said that she thinks that a lot of women think that a tall man is a sign of protection, especially if they didn’t have a father while growing up. But because her dad is 5’7”, a military man and a marksman — she has never seen masculinity through height. I think the main thing that women miss out on when they refuse to even consider a shorter man is that a good man has nothing to do with if you can physically look up at him…it’s if you can respect how tall his character is. If that isn’t something that you care about, you’re not as ready for a relationship as you think you are.”
(Shellie here: WELP.)
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There you have it: 12 men who aren’t 6’, who are out here living their best life — because they know that height isn’t everything. Never has been. Never will be.
May we all take the hint.
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