The 90s is my favorite era of R&B (fight me, if you wanna). There's no time or space to get into all of the reasons why. For now, I'll provide a song example of why it's unmatched. As I was sitting down to write this piece, a song that came into my mind is the 1990 jam, "Show Me" by Howard Hewett. While the song certainly stands on its own, what I really like is the fact that his wife (at the time), Nia Peeples was in the video. His lead was his spouse. He used his visual to not only honor her but his marriage. To me, that is beyond dope infinity. And because I've always been aware of the fact that the video featured a husband and wife pairing, I always revered it with a kind of honor and, even sacredness, than a lot of other songs and visuals.
For many reasons, I see married sex the same way. When two people make the conscious choice and commitment to share the rest of their lives with one another, it just makes me respect their sex life on a whole 'nother level. That's why, as a marriage life coach, I am such an advocate for husbands and wives to participate in as much coitus as possible…as often as possible.
The Different Types of Sex in Marriage
One time, while in a session with a couple, they asked me if there was "just one way to have sex." They weren't speaking of positions and technique. Nah, what they were referring to is should there be different ways to approach that type of intimacy with their partner. I found that to be a very insightful and profound question. While there are probably a dozen more ways than the eight that I'm about to share, I do think that in order for a husband and wife to feel truly fulfilled in their sexual intimacy with one another, there are the "kinds of sex" that need to happen on a consistent basis.
If that doesn't make sense to you now, I'm hoping that it will by the time this piece is done. (Oh, and feel free to throw on some 90s R&B in the background, while you're reading, if you'd like.)
1. Morning Sex
I can't tell you how many married couples have sang the praises of morning sex to me before.
There is one husband, in particular, who cracks me up, every time I think about what he digs so much about it. "I'm telling you, if I'm able to get some head before the day starts, my wife can hit me up about wanting a new pair of shoes, her mom coming for dinner, or her maxing out a credit card and I'm basically going to be like, 'Yes Dear'."
What is it about morning sex that is so…refreshing? For one thing, since men, on average, have five erections that last 25 minutes each throughout the night, if they wake up with morning wood, sex is a fantastic release. Also, for both men and women, morning sex is an awesome way to de-stress, reconnect and also get an energy charge before the day begins. So, if you're married and you can't remember the last time you let your genitalia rather than an alarm clock awaken you, try and be more intentional about participating in a lil' bit of morning coitus. It beats the hell out of a cup of java. No doubt about it.
2. Quickie Sex
Whenever I think of quickie sex, necessity is what comes to mind. Although I'll be the first one to say that married sex serves a myriad of purposes (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"), let's not act like sometimes we just don't need to "get that thing off". Quickie sex isn't (always or necessarily) about being romantic or engaging in a lot of foreplay. Quickie sex is more in the lane of, "I'm horny and I need to handle this so that I can relax and/or focus and/or get on to the other stuff that I need to do."
Unfortunately, because some people think that all sex needs to look like something out of a chick flick, they don't allow themselves (or their partner) to enjoy quickies as often as they should. If you're one of those individuals, I'd encourage you to look at quickies from another angle. Shouldn't one of the benefits of being married be that sex is more convenient? Because your partner is easily accessible, you don't have to do a lot of planning and preparing. Plus, (hopefully) you both know how to get each other off, so pleasure is a surefire thing with them. Since this is the case, while brushing your teeth, sitting on the couch or preparing dinner, you can pull stuff down (or move it over), handle your business and go on with your day. To me, that is not a "problem"; that is a blessing, chile.
3. Scheduled Sex
While some people hate the idea of scheduling sex, I don't. In fact, whenever the topic comes up, what I usually say is all scheduling sex is about is prioritizing it. While it would be nice if all sex could be "random" and "spontaneous" (more on that in just a sec), the reality is that most of us have pretty tight to-do lists. So, if we don't make it a point to plan certain things out, they would never happen.
Now, no one is saying that scheduled sex means that you've got to be as tight and rigid as Mrs. Elena Richardson (Reese Witherspoon) was in Little Fires Everywhere (in her house, sex only happened on Wednesdays and Saturdays; her poor husband). But if you and yours have so much going on that scheduling sex is gonna be better than having no sex at all, pull out your Google calendar and designate when your private parts can get some quality time in.
10-15 percent of all marriages are sexless ones. I'd venture to say a big part of the reason why is because couples aren't prioritizing their sex lives nearly as much as they need to or should.
4. Spontaneous Sex
Everything in life is about balance, right? While scheduled sex certainly serves its purpose, so does spontaneous sex. The thing that I like about this kind of copulation is, another word for spontaneous is, impulsive. To be impulsive is to participate in something that is almost involuntary. In a sexual context, it's like you want your partner so bad that you don't even think about where you are or if it's a good time or not to get some; you've got to have them and so you're gonna make it happen.
If it's a public place, so be it. If it's in the middle of the day, it's all good. While life might not make it possible to be spontaneous in this way all of the time, partaking in this type of sex is a great way for your partner to feel loved and lusted (which is "a passionate or overmastering desire or craving"). It also can keep a married couple's sex life spicy and interesting.
6. Hotel Sex
Not too long ago, I watched All Def Digital's Squad Cast talk about why they prefer to have sex at home over having sex in a hotel room (it's at the 1:25:07 mark). To be fair, a lot of them are touring comedians, so they spend a lot of time in hotels (even KevOnStage said that hotels have lost their allure because of it). But as someone who used to have quite a bit of hotel sex (back when I was having sex) and also as someone who puts married couples in hotels, free of charge, from time to time, I am a HUGE FAN of hotel sex. Hotels provide a change of scenery. If it's a quality one, the beds tend to feel amazing.
And, you can oftentimes find little "perks" to make you feel pampered (like room service, couples' massages, or jacuzzi tubs). While I do think it's healthy for couples to plan romantic trips at least once a year, sometimes budgets and other life demands make that a close to impossible feat to pull off. But something that almost every husband and wife can do is spend at least one night in a hotel room. I personally haven't met one couple who doesn't come back from hotel sex feeling renewed. If you've never done it, at least try it. I'd be shocked if you didn't like—no, absolutely love—it!
7. Comfort Sex
I remember once going to a bridal shower and someone asking everyone to offer up sex advice for the bride-to-be. When it came time for a senior elder's (of a church) wife to speak, she said, "Don't deny your husband unless you're deathly ill." When some of the women turned up their nose at her response, she simply said, "I've been married almost 50 years. A lot of you are divorced." (Geeze.) While I'm definitely not the woman who thinks that people should have sex when they don't feel like it, I do think it's important for married people to treat sex like it's a staple in their relationship and not just a…hobby.
However, the reason why I'm even bringing all of this up is because I think it's important to remind some wives that when you don't feel like doing it, oftentimes it's how you refuse your husband that can potentially put a wedge between the two of you. It's so important to remember that a lot of men feel totally vulnerable when trying to initiate sex, so when they are turned down in a flippant or cold way, that can cause them to feel rejected—not just physically but as if all of them is being dismissed.
It's not talked about enough that sometimes husbands want to be with their wives, not because they are "horny" so much as they want to feel loved, accepted and yes, comforted. Listen, I am all about Black love and it's hard for Black men and women out here. If there's one place where any spouse should feel soothed, consoled and reassured, it's within their marriage. Sometimes that comes in the form of being as close to their partner as possible. Comfort sex isn't talked about, nearly as much as it should be. It's needed though. A lot.
7. Reconciliation Sex
Reconcile is a dope word. One of my favorite definitions of it is "to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent". While I'm not a huge fan of the phrase "make love" (because, as I oftentimes say, sex should celebrate love not create it), I do think that choosing to love someone, each and every day of your life, (hopefully) for the rest of your life, requires extreme time, effort and energy. Because a marriage consists of two flawed human beings, there are going to be times when husbands and wives are not "walking in agreement", when they aren't exactly in harmony with each other. Sometimes, one of the best ways to get back in sync with each other is to partake in what I call "reconciliation sex".
While, on the surface, that might seem like make-up sex, it's not 100 percent the same thing. Oftentimes, make-up sex is relied upon as a diversion or a coping mechanism when couples don't know how to properly communicate and/or resolve their issues. Reconciliation sex is more like…what a couple does to reward themselves once they have figured out how to get back on the same page about something. It is a physical act that affirms and confirms that they are back in agreement and harmony again. Because sex is such a beautiful, powerful and intimate thing, when two people feel like they have mentally and emotionally reunited, it can do wonders for the relationship to acknowledge that by engaging in physical intimacy. Hot, steamy, sexy, "nasty", totally mind-blowing sexual intimacy.
8. "Holy" Sex
I picked this GIF on purpose. It's from the 1940s classic film Cabin in the Sky starring Lena Horne, Ethel Waters, Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, Eddie Anderson and a host of others. If you've never seen it before, the love that Petunia (played by Waters) had for her husband, Little Joe (played by Anderson) was nothing short of spiritual and supernatural. That woman prayed for that man to break his bad habits as if her very life depended on it. It's a cinematic reminder that marriage has a sacred component to it; and so does married sex.
That's why, to me, whenever two people are married, I most definitely believe that sex is an act of worship. What I mean by that is there is a reverence in the act that is very special within a marital union. It's because of that that articles on our site like "Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay" make complete and total sense to me and lyrics like "You're the blessing that I never thought I would get/And to the Lord I humbly bow my head" from Usher's "Here I Stand" seem like they would be the perfect kind of background music for a sex session.
If you're someone who believes that marriage is a spiritual union, then surely you must believe that the Most High is a part of it. To me, "holy sex" is about remembering the foundation and Source of your love. It's about approaching intimacy in a spirit of pure sacredness and gratitude. It's about acknowledging that, so long as your spirits are in sync, your bond is close to invincible.
Hmph. Let me tell it, if there's any "kind of sex" that a husband and wife should have the most often, this one would definitely top the list. Let the Church say, "Amen", y'all. Now what kind of sex are you and yours gonna have tonight?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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