A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking and we can't take much more of this quarantine. Even though governors are opting to open some states, we are staying at home for a little longer because outside doesn't seem quite clear yet. In the meantime, we are sitting in the comfort of our homes dreaming up our next getaway. My dream includes me sipping a spicy margarita with somebody's son in a private cabana as the waves hitting the shore.
Since we have been fantasizing over a few of our favorite frequent flyers and travel storytellers photos on the 'gram, we wanted to know how this pandemic is effecting them and what their travel plan looks like post-quarantine. Ahead, find a little relief for your burning wanderlust, as well as a dose of inspiration.
Devorah @walkwithmswalker
Photo Courtesy of Devorah Walker
"My dream trip after self-isolation would be exploring Indonesia. I had plans to visit Bali for three weeks as the pandemic was declared. I can't wait to see the views of the rice fields, hike up the mountains, beach-hop and of course go on one of Bali's famous high swings. I would then make my way East Java which doesn't have as many tourists as Bali. East Java has some of the most beautiful waterfalls in Asia, starting with Tumpak Sewu, which is breathtaking in photos. From here I would head to Komodo Island to visit the pink sand beach and of course to see a real life Komodo dragon. Indonesia was on my list for quite some time so I cannot wait to make this happen.
"I had a one month Asia trip planned to leave March 22nd. (The pandemic was declared by WHO on March 11th). I was planning to visit Singapore, Australia and Indonesia. This month-long trip was supposed to be the first step of planning an international relocation.
"The biggest lesson I've learned from this time is to enjoy being still. Previously, I barely made time for myself in terms of mentally unplugging. I was always focused on writing, editing, planning the next adventure and managing my every day life. There was never any time for a 'pause'. The pandemic brought my and everyone else's life to halt and made me realize how important it is to just be still as well as appreciate what I already have as opposed to obsessing over what's next."
Globey @globalcarnivalist
Photo Courtesy of Global Carnivalist
"My dream getaway will be euro-beach-chic, where I can tan in the sun and never have to think about putting on a sweater in the evening. I will have spa amenities available to me and while the town I decide to stay in will be posh, I will feel like I am a local. I want to submerge myself in the culture and local customs of where I am, but also enjoy the luxury of being there. I've narrowed it down to two places that would fit my ideal trip so far: Sorrento, Italy or Nice, France. I want everything that I was unable to consume while I was at home during COVID-19. Endless sunbathing, beaches, sailing, boutique shops and more importantly, true relaxation.
"COVID-19 has tremendously impacted my travel schedule. I had scheduled trips for Italy, Jamaica, Bahamas, Portugal, Toronto, Bermuda, St. Lucia and Antigua and I have had to cancel or reschedule each of them. I was able to shift some of them to later in the year. Hopefully things will be better by then, but it truly looks like I'll be spending the bulk of 2020 at home.
"The one thing this pandemic has taught me is how important it is to be at peace with yourself. I have had to self-entertain and find creative ways to just be and truly enjoy my own company and I am loving it. I've also realized how much human connection is vital to people, I have had so many friends and family reaching out for support or just someone to talk to, it truly reminds you of what is important."
"The one thing this pandemic has taught me is how important it is to be at peace with yourself. I have had to self-entertain and find creative ways to just be and truly enjoy my own company and I am loving it."
Samantha @thequeenofvacations
Photo Courtesy of Samantha Everette
"My dream getaway would be an all out Kiki in December in Johannesburg, South Africa. If you've ever been to the continent in December... then you know why. The energy and the vibes are unmatched! I can envision the afternoon braai's (South African word for BBQ's), popping bottles of champagne and dancing to Afrobeats until the sun comes up. After South Africa, I would take a three-month reset in Bali. Yes, I said three months. This would be a necessary respite for my body and my liver! Of course I would want all of my close friends and my IG travel community there with me. I envision a revolving door of friends and family dropping by my villa. There will be lots of days on the beach, mounds of freshly grilled fish and curry everything!
"I was planning on attending two ladies retreats this spring. I planned to spend the month of April in Egypt soaking up the vibes and kemetic energy by the Red Sea with @sarahwes and @returntokemet. We were going to tap into our divine feminine power and live our best lives traveling all throughout the country. I also had to cancel my trip with @theinncrowd.co to Cancun, Mexico. I always have such a wonderful time with the ladies on the Inn Crowd trips, so I'm devastated that I won't be enjoying their company.
"This pandemic has taught me just how much I value my friends and family. I've spent the better part of my adult life halfway across the world. I'm accustomed to a lot of alone time while abroad, but I always knew that I would see everyone once the journey was over. Now those trips, along with the homecomings, have been taken away. We don't know when we will be able to see all of our favorite people again. Physical distance really does make the heart grow fonder but metaphorical distance is even crazier. Everyone is so close but yet so far away and I miss them terribly."
Skylar @skylarmarshai
Photo Courtesy of Skylar Marshai
"Times like these have made me wish I lived on the beach, where I could self-isolate on the sand, in the sun! Living in New York is rough because there's so many people and so little nature. By the end of this, I'll have had enough with cityscapes and being inside, so ideally I'd be on the first flight to somewhere warm with lots of lush plant life, overwhelming amounts of decadent food, and enough sun to last me a lifetime. I've been missing Barbados, Tulum, and Costa Rica so if I closed my eyes and picked one, I'd be happy with whichever I ended up in. I'm talking fresh coconuts, waking up before the sun, actually seeing the stars, and fresh air. It's always nice to visit new places but after being in quarantine, I'd like to go somewhere that I know is a sure thing. Pure bliss. Pura Vida. The goal, though, would be to GTF, ASAP. My partner and I have been itching to create new content and I'm just tired of wearing sweatpants. I miss wandering, there's only so much of it that can be done at home.
"So many of our travel plans were changed (I can't say cancelled, gotta keep it positive!). We'd planned a trip just about every month this year so we had to rebook Bali (April), Barbados (May), St. Lucia (June), and France (end of June/July). We're now having to push all of our other travel plans further into 2021 because of it. It's been amazing that some airlines are allowing free flight changes, otherwise we'd have lost hundreds of dollars. The only other downside (other than the obvious) has been reworking collaborations with the companies we planned to work with, abroad. The brighter side is that we've been able to do more research on the places we planned to travel to that we haven't been before. So once we get to travel again, we'll hit the ground running (or rather, sprinting because whew I can't wait to be booked and busy again!)
"I recently learned this and shared it on Instagram, but the idea is that you don't have to escape to soul search. That your soul is wherever you are. I planned 7 trips last year, and another 8 this year–my head was always in the clouds, literally. Since being home, I realized I'd been so busy with wandering physically that mentally I hadn't checked in. To allow yourself to be still and present is just as important as allowing yourself space to escape. It's about balance. I saw this post on Instagram that posed the question, 'Who are you, really?' And I felt attacked! I realized I had a lot of work to do, a lot of myself left to unravel, and that this stillness would serve as the perfect opportunity to do so. You find yourself where you meet yourself, and that can be anywhere."
"To allow yourself to be still and present is just as important as allowing yourself space to escape. It's about balance... You find yourself where you meet yourself, and that can be anywhere."
Jessica @theufuoma
Photo Courtesy of Jessica Ufoama
"I'd love to go to Belize after self-isolation. I desperately want a classic Caribbean getaway - nothing beats one especially after such unprecedented times. Caribbean holidays are predictable - you know you're going to get some sun, sand and great cocktails and after such a period of uncertainty, I want to know what I'm getting into. I've always wanted to go to Belize - Caye Caulker specifically. Get some much-needed outdoor time, snorkel along the barrier reef, and feel alive again.
"I usually have a calendar full of travel plans every year but I've had to cancel them because we have to beat this virus. My trip to Afronation Puerto Rico had to be cancelled, as well as a trip to Tulum, Mexico in April. My trip to Italy in May looks very unlikely. Summer trips are looking somewhat bleak. I'm just taking life one [day] at a time now.
"The pandemic has taught me to keep being grateful for life and enjoy it to the fullest. It's taught me never to take even the seemingly mundane things for granted and every single day we get to spend on earth is a blessing. I'm looking forward to more opportunities to live life, impact my communities positively, and enjoy the gift of travel."
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Featured image courtesy of Skylar Marshai
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy