

Why Single Black Women Celebs Deserve More Than 'Why Aren't You Married' Questions
When you know your worth and value, you refuse to accept anything less than what you deserve. One thing about Tracee Ellis Ross (and so many Black women) is that she more than understands her value and has “no interest in being in a relationship just to be in a relationship.” She stated in a recent interview on Kevin Hart’s Hart to Heart show, “I’m a rare breed.”
Kevin did in fact give Tracee her flowers and celebrated her success throughout the interview, but at one point, the conversation started to feel as if a mystery was being explored through her vulnerability when the topic of relationships came up. The infamous question: why are you still single?
Although Kevin didn’t directly ask Tracee “why are you still single,” I wasn’t convinced that Kevin believed that Tracee could be successful, single, content, and not have something wrong with her. Sometimes, when you know who you are and stand in your truth, it’s hard for others to accept a reality that’s different from their own.
As Tracee started to share what a healthy relationship looks like for her, Kevin offered up a plethora of questions and assumptions:
“That’s why you’re not meeting them because you keep going to the jazz bar.” (jokingly)
“I think that you know what you want so much that it’s hard for a guy…you have no patience.” “How much patience do you have?”
“How fast is the off button?”
“How fast do you go there and say ‘I don’t like that’?”
Question after question, it seemed as if Kevin was determined to pinpoint the reason for Tracee’s singleness like a doctor trying to diagnose their patient. Never mind that she previously stated how she refused to settle and wasn’t looking for a relationship just for the heck of it. Never mind her success. Instead, the questioning suggested that something must be wrong with Tracee, which is often the assumption for so many successful Black women.
Unfortunately, a lot of these notions are driven by a history of patriarchy, misogyny, and antiquated views of women in society.
Kevin even went on to ask, “Are there triggers?” Talk about being triggered. Part of being triggered is when people try to tell you why you’re still single. News flash: men and women – whether single or married - have triggers, and triggers don’t just disappear especially when they’re rooted in childhood trauma and past experiences.
As if that wasn’t enough, the discussion of children also came up. At one point Kevin asked Tracee, “Are kids a thing?” Despite the nonchalant feeling behind the question, Tracee actually shared how she tried to have children on her own, as well as the “grief that came with it.”
Tracee stated, “I always thought a child would come out of ‘I love them so much.’ I did want kids but the window of desire has closed.” Nevertheless, she said she’s still open to the idea with the right person.
While I respect interviewers wanting to go deeper, some people don’t always understand how questions can open up wounds that people may not be prepared or want to discuss. Whether you’re a celebrity or not, you don’t always know what a woman has endured in order to get to where she is especially when it comes to having children.
It’s similar to the ridiculous statements I hear when people ask me, “Why don’t you have any children,” or “I guess you don’t want children.” There goes those assumptions again. People don’t think about the fact that some women have chosen not to have children, while some of us have been hit with the reality of infertility struggles, illnesses (actual diagnoses), and the fact that ultimately we are not in control.
Oftentimes, people assume women are single by force rather than choice, or that single women are overwhelmed with despair simply because of their single status. Despite the multitude of successes, the belief tends to be that there’s no way a woman can feel complete or truly be successful without being in a relationship.
However, success is not determined by your relationship status.
Singleness is not a synonym for sorrow.
Singleness is not a burden.
Singleness doesn’t mean 'unsuccessful.'
Whether it’s the self-proclaimed relationship guru on social media, the preacher in the pulpit, or a celebrity interviewer, Black women do not need the unsolicited, unprofessional, unsubstantiated so-called “diagnosis” and theories to try to explain their singleness. We’re not asking men the same questions. So, why are we repeatedly asking women?
While I’m a huge advocate that all of us – men and women – have to do the work to become better versions of ourselves, we shouldn’t support the narrative that something has to be wrong with you just because you’re single.
Despite all of the questioning, I loved how Tracee handled everything with humor and grace. As she so eloquently stated during the conversation: “We don’t have to be narrowed into what other people’s idea is of us [Black women]…I want people to feel good in their skin.”
My sisters, don’t allow anyone to make you feel like something’s wrong with you or that you’re “off track” just because your life looks different from theirs. People often project their plans and desires onto you based on what they want for themselves, but everyone’s journey is different. You don’t have to subscribe to other people’s timelines and societal pressures.
To the rest of the world, let Tracee Ellis Ross, and whoever else, live their lives, enjoy their success, and enjoy what they do have instead of constantly making them feel as if their success is less significant without a relationship.
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Featured image by David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images for PATTERN Beauty by Tracee Ellis Ross
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
Jada Pinkett Smith On How Psychedelics Saved Her Life & The Status Of Her Marriage To Will Smith
Jada Pinkett Smith is speaking her piece on the status of her marriage with longtime love Will Smith. On the heels of releasing her highly anticipated memoir, Worthy, Jada is gracing the cover of PEOPLE and sharing the truth about her mental health struggles throughout the years, the infamous Oscars slap, and her marriage.
According to the 52-year-old author, though she seemed to "have it all" in life - the riches, the fame, the love, the family, there was a part of her that couldn't escape her past traumas and depression that plagued her early on in her career. "While I was really living the dream, I hit a huge wall — a massive amount of depression. I think that I looked at having outside sources to supplement for the voids that I was feeling inside," she told PEOPLE.
By the time she turned 40, she had encountered her breaking point and spiraled so deeply that she saw no way out for herself aside from death. She went on to say that she heard voices in her head telling her to end her life and that told her of her unworthiness, pulling her deeper into her depression. "I started looking for places, cliffs where I could have an accident because I didn't want my kids to think that their mother had committed suicide.”
Jada credited friends of her son Jaden for putting her on to ayahuasca, a powerful and traditional plant-based brew used for shamanic and healing rituals known for its psychoactive properties. She said partaking in ayahuasca changed her profoundly and "the suicidal thoughts completely went away."
"Ayahuasca helped me, it gave me a new intimate relationship with myself that I had never had before," she told the outlet about her first time taking the psychedelic. Keep reading for more key takeaways from Jada's PEOPLE exclusive.
Jada Pinkett Smith on the status of her marriage to Will Smith:
In what might have been a shocking revelation to most, Jada revealed to the world that she and Will have actually been separated for the past six years, going on seven years. She explained the status of their 26-year marriage to PEOPLE:
“We’re still figuring it out. We’ve been doing some really heavy-duty work together. We just got deep love for each other and we are going to figure out what that looks like for us.”
Amy Sussman/WireImage
Jada on how her relationship with Will Smith caused her to abandon her mental health:
As her star in Hollywood was rising thanks to starring roles in projects like A Different World, Jason's Lyric, and Set It Off, Jada revealed that she was taking Prozac and being treated for depression and suicidal ideation. Meeting Will would cause her to develop a false sense of not needing to take care of her mental health.
"Once I met Will, I completely abandoned my mental health. I was so intoxicated by him and our dynamic. I really felt like I'm cured," she said to PEOPLE. "He became the drug."
Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images
Jada Pinkett Smith on the self-acceptance her kids have taught her:
"My children, they’re little gurus," she told the mag of her kids, bonus son Trey, 30, Jaden, 25, and Willow, 22. "They’ve taught me a deep sense of self-acceptance.”
“They love every part of me. The level of love, unconditional love that they have for me and their dad. And it's one thing to want to be the person that gives that unconditional love. And then there's, to be the recipient of that.”
For the full cover story and photos, head over to PEOPLE here.
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Featured image by Amy Sussman/WireImage
Having a relationship where there is no sex refers to a romantic partnership where the romantic or intimate aspect of physical intimacy isn't happening. It's like when that spark or connection between partners in terms of sexual activity is absent. A relationship where there's no sex can happen for various reasons – maybe there's a lack of desire, communication issues, stress, health concerns, or even just a natural ebb and flow in the relationship.
Regardless, the level of physical intimacy and sexual activity between partners is significantly low or even nonexistent. However, it is important to note that every relationship is unique, and what might be considered a lack of sexual activity for one couple might work for another. The reality is, in the journey of any relationship, there are ebbs and flows, ups and downs, and moments of growth and change. For some couples, that might mean seasons where there is more sex and seasons where there is less sex.
'No Sex' in a Relationship Means What?
While it's common for couples to experience periods of reduced sexual activity, it's essential to approach this aspect with understanding, communication, and an open heart.
Navigating a Sexless Relationship
It's important to recognize that a decrease in sexual activity doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of love or attraction between partners. Life's challenges, stressors, and changes can all play a role in affecting one's desire and ability to engage in physical intimacy. Health concerns, work pressures, family issues, and personal insecurities can all contribute to shifts in this area.
Communication is Key
Just like any other aspect of a relationship, communication is paramount when it comes to addressing changes in sexual activity. An open and non-judgmental conversation is crucial for understanding each other's perspectives and feelings. Creating a safe space where both partners can express their desires, concerns, and emotions is essential for building trust and finding solutions together.
Exploring the Why
Delving into the reasons behind the decrease in sex can lead to a better understanding of the situation. For instance, is stress playing a significant role? Are there unresolved emotional issues that need attention? By identifying the underlying factors contributing to your lack of desire, you can work together to address them and find ways to reconnect.
Rediscovering Intimacy
While the physical aspect of intimacy might be diminished, there are numerous other ways to connect on another level that isn't rooted in sex. Emotional intimacy, for example, involves sharing thoughts, goals, dreams, and fears with your partner. Engaging in activities you both enjoy can create opportunities for bonding and rekindling the spark. For inspiration, check out articles from our site, "Alphabet Dating Is The Trend You Need For A Thriving Love Life" and "15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language."
Supporting Each Other
During periods where there's little to no sex happening in the relationship, it's crucial to provide emotional support to your partner. Understanding their feelings, validating their concerns, and offering reassurance can go a long way in maintaining a strong emotional connection despite the less-than-stellar physical connection faltering. Remember, intimacy isn't solely about the physical; it's about feeling close and understood. Use this time to show support, as this could be a source of stress and contention for both of you.
Seeking Professional Help
If the lack of sex is causing significant strain on the relationship and attempts to address it on your own aren't yielding positive change, seeking the guidance of a sex therapist or counselor might be beneficial. Professional help can provide tools and insights to navigate these challenges effectively.
Ultimately, relationships are an ever-evolving journey that requires adaptability and understanding. Seeing a dip in the frequency of sex doesn't define the entirety of a relationship but rather presents an opportunity for growth, communication, and finding new ways to connect on a deeper level.
By fostering emotional intimacy, engaging in open dialogue, and seeking solutions together, couples can navigate this "dry" phase with love and empathy, ultimately strengthening the bond they share. Instead of resisting, consider learning how to embrace this chapter of your relationship with patience, kindness, and a willingness to explore new avenues of connection.
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