Signs You're Actually Self-Sabotaging Yourself
If you find yourself constantly feeling discouraged, unable to commit to your goals or see things through, then you may be self-sabotaging. Sometimes we can get in our own way without even realizing that the root of some of our issues is our mindset. When Girlfriends hit Netflix, one thing I just couldn't get over was the self-sabotaging traits Joan portrayed. I felt that she was more than capable and deserving of having a successful career and marriage. Unfortunately, she got in her own way a lot, and, honestly, a lot of us do the same thing.
I don't want this article to trigger you, instead, let this be a self-reflection because we all have exhibited some self-sabotaging behaviors in our lives. Self-sabotaging can be caused by a number of things like low self-esteem, a desire to gain a sense of control, a result of anxiety, and just not even realizing the things we do and say to ourselves. Recently, I saw a post on Twitter by ThirdEyeLove which laid out traits of a self-sabotager and how she overcame it. Per that thread, here are signs that you are actually self-sabotaging yourself.
Not Asking For Help
GiphyAsking for help is not easy but neither is trying to do everything by yourself. The stress of finishing school, elevating in your career, or starting a business is stressful in itself, so adding all the burden to yourself is a surefire way to feel defeated and discouraged.
Remember asking for help doesn't make you weak, it actually makes you more aware and efficient. You are able to acknowledge what you need and find resources that can help you achieve your goals, in fact, it may also help you build a community. For me, I used to hate asking for help because of how people made me feel about it. But, it's also important to remember it's normal, and if you find someone along the way that isn't willing to help in your time of need, there are so many other people and resources that will.
Rejecting Praise/Not Giving Yourself Praise
GiphyI personally struggle with accepting and giving myself praise. Sometimes I get so in my head about where I want to be that I can't accept people congratulating me or acknowledge it myself. Hella self-sabotaging!
We have to celebrate small wins and allow people to celebrate us too. Don't feel guilty about enjoying the fruits of your labor and don't ignore how far you have come. It becomes harder to keep going if you don't accept the work you've put in or at least allow people to appreciate the things you do and have to offer in the present. The next time someone praises you or your work, accept it and express gratitude because it's hard to see your growth if you keep overlooking it.
Isolating Yourself
GiphyThis is probably one of the most dangerous self-sabotaging traits. When you isolate yourself, you tend to distance yourself from friends and family, not leave the house, become unmotivated, and you're just stuck feeling hopeless. Sometimes that feeling can go on for days, weeks, and even months. You're no longer connected to anything other than those feelings and it can feel like things are getting darker and darker. Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine to take your space, but committing to complete isolation can be mentally, emotionally, and physically damaging.
Saying "Yes" To Everything
GiphySaying "yes" to everything, especially the things you don't want to do can be draining. Most of us want to please people and help the people around us which is amazing, but not if it costs you your sanity and the way you are able to show up for yourself. If you have people in your life who like to take and take and take, then you know what I'm talking about.
Constantly saying "yes" to everything can cause burnout. The energy (or lack thereof) will show up in your day-to-day tasks. I'm not saying to never say "yes", but practice balance. Don't just be a people-pleaser, be a you-pleaser!
Putting Your Needs On Hold
GiphyPutting your own needs on hold is a self-sabotaging behavior that piggybacks off of saying "yes" to everything. You can also be self-sabotaging yourself because you're putting your needs last. Need is defined as a requirement and an obligation. We need water, we need food, we need shelter -- those are the basics to live so we make sure we have those things in place. So why should your needs be treated any differently in any other area of your life?
It's easy for things to fall through the cracks but the longer you put your needs on the back-burner or ignore it, the more unfulfilled, lost, or hopeless you'll feel. The more you neglect your needs, the more this becomes a habit. Don't forget that you are special too!
You deserve the same amount of love, effort, and commitment that you work hard to give other people.
You're Procrastinating
GiphyWe all have been guilty of procrastinating at some point or another. Sometimes I think we procrastinate because we believe we aren't ready, we're fearful, or we have more time than we think. Procrastination, if done too much, can be sabotaging and can destroy long-standing goals, commitments, and dreams.
The more you procrastinate, the more time you waste, and the harder it is to reach your goals. I'm not going to lie and act like procrastination is an easy fix because it's not. In order to kick procrastination, you have to change your mindset, set realistic deadlines that include time for you to recharge, and remember that you are worthy of the things you set out to work for.
Trying To Be Perfect
GiphyPerfectionism is another dream killer. How many times have you waited to do or share something because it wasn't 'perfect'? We put so much pressure on ourselves to have things be the best, but what if we just showed up as ourselves?
We're humans, we make mistakes but we also grow and get better. Embracing the process and who we are is very important when it comes to this form of self-sabotage.
Striving for perfectionism not only causes you to be hard on yourself but it also prevents you from completing tasks or projects, owning your mistakes and flaws, facing your reality, and ultimately results in a lack of fulfillment. What makes this extremely self-sabotaging is that we put these pressures on ourselves despite knowing perfection is unattainable. Ease up and give yourself the grace of being human.
Negative Self-Talk
GiphyNegative self-talk is something we all fall victim to. The quote, "The words you speak become the house you live in" is nothing but facts. What you say becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy so when you think you can't do things or that you aren't good enough, you'll believe it's true. Eventually, you'll start feeling unmotivated, hopeless, and feel like you aren't enough. Imagine waking up every morning and saying you'll never reach your goals.
Positive affirmations are very powerful and key to manifesting the life you hope to lead. Instead of speaking about yourself or your life negatively, talking positively to and about yourself can make a huge difference when it comes to tackling new events/situations, boosting confidence/self-esteem, and being able to face each day.
The first step to starting anything is believing you can.
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Freelance writer, content creator, and traveler. She enjoys the beauty of simplicity, a peaceful life, and a big curly fro. Connect with Krissy on social media @iamkrissylewis or check out her blog at www.krissylewis.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Things To Discuss On The Second Date. If Either Of You Is A Single Parent.
So, if you didn’t know, March 21, 2024, is National Single Parents Day. And since, reportedly, around 25 percent of children who are under the age of 18 live with only one of their parents, I thought that it was beyond necessary and relevant to tackle the topic of what it’s like to date as a single parent; especially since, contrary to the popular belief of some, they are absolutely not a monolith.
What I mean by that is, that a teen parent is not the same thing as a divorced parent who is not the same thing as a widowed parent who is not the same thing as someone who intentionally became a single parent. And because all of those backstories are different, to a certain extent, so are the needs that they have when it comes to whom they choose to spend intimate/romantic time with. Honestly, that kind of means that they each could have their own article when it comes to this type of topic.
What To Discuss When Dating As A Single Parent
Today, though, after someone asked me to broach this particular dating lane, I thought about the single parents in my own space and came up with six things that I think should be discussed very early in the initial dating process, no matter how you became a single parent personally.
Because if you’re a single parent reading this, if there’s one thing that you know is a precious commodity, it’s your time. Right?
1. The Kind of Relationship You’re Looking For
GiphySocial media is an interesting place — and that’s putting it mildly. And while I’ve gotta be real and say that I do see my fair share of women who try and find a stepfather for their kids damn near after date one, it’s a grossly inaccurate assumption to say that is a representation of all single mothers. Besides, let’s not act like being a single parent automatically means that kids don’t have their other parent in their lives (goodness). And that’s why I think that one of the first things that should come up on the second date (because if you already made it past the first one, some level of chemistry has already been established) is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for.
Do you want something serious and long-term? Are you simply interested in spending some adult time with an individual who shares some of your interests? Let’s not act like “exclusive sex partners” (folks who are exclusive with someone sexually yet may see other people recreationally) aren’t on the rise as well.
Listen, the divorced people with kids I know? For many of them, the last thing that’s on their mind is jumping another broom. On the other hand, some single parents I know who’ve never been married are dating solely for that purpose. The moral of the story? Single parents may not be on the same page about what their ultimate relational goals are. The only way the person who is dating them is gonna know is if the question is asked.
2. What Your Schedule Is Like
GiphyChile…LISTEN. I’m single with no kids and I don’t know where the day goes. The single parents in my world? It’s like they are working with a third of the time that I seem to have. And here’s the thing: because of my relational (and parental) status, I can pretty much up and go on a dime. Single parents? Eh. Not so much. They have to factor in things like their kids’ schedules and needs, if they are co-parenting, when their children are with the other parent, what they need to get done outside of their kids’ stuff, etc. And if you’re dating a single parent who is also an entrepreneur? Whew, chile.
I can’t tell you how many single parents have told me that they don’t date — or make it past the first or second date — and it’s simply because they can’t seem to find the time when it’s convenient for them and other people. So, definitely, something else that needs to be discussed, off the rip, is what both of your schedules are like and if it’s feasible to get on some common ground. Otherwise, your relationship can end up feeling like a long-distance relationship, even if you’re both in the same city — and that can bring about its own complications and issues. And when you’re a single parent, who wants to volunteer for more stress? Yeah…exactly.
3. What Your Needs Are
GiphyOne definition of need is “essential.” One definition of essential is “absolutely necessary.” As a single parent who is dating someone new, what do you need? Do you need space? Do you need flexibility? Do you need patience? Do you need someone who is proactive in communication? Do you need someone who is willing to take things slow? Do you need someone who gets that sometimes plans might change at the last minute? Do you need someone who is willing to understand that you are still healing when it comes to your ex? Do you need someone who isn’t threatened by or jealous of your dynamic with your child’s father? I could go on and on with this; however, the main takeaway is, before the second date, it’s a good idea to jot down 5-7 concrete needs that are pretty much non-negotiable for you — and then be open to expressing them.
Now, before some of you say, “Isn’t the second date too soon?” ABSOLUTELY NOT. Listen, single parent or not, there is nothing worse than finding yourself emotionally attached to and invested in someone, only to discover that while they like you, they either aren’t in the position to or aren’t willing to give you what you need — and when you’re not getting what you need in a relationship, it’s gonna have an expiration date on it, one way or another.
Someone who thinks that stating your needs is “doing the most” is someone who has the potential to gaslight you throughout the entire relationship. Best to share your needs now and hear their thoughts (as you do the same for them). If you can meet each other’s needs, cool. If you can meet some and, so you’re meant to be friends, awesome. If it’s just a nice second date, and you two should leave it at that — ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. It’s really not.
4. What Your Triggers Are
GiphyAs someone who works in mental health to some degree, I really wish that all single parents were offered a couple of months of free therapy when they first find themselves in that position. Why? Because although some people are single parents by choice, many aren’t (meaning, they didn’t plan to not raise their kids in a two-parent dynamic), and some time to process, grieve, and heal in a professionally trained setting is wise. Otherwise, you could find yourself reacting to triggers that really aren’t so much “dating standards;” they’re more like areas of your life that you haven’t fully addressed.
Example. Say that you found yourself doing most of the work when it came to dating your child’s father. Now that you’re not together, while he’s a pretty decent parent (at least a B- on the old-school report card), you still have to initiate the conversation about him doing certain things that come very naturally to you. If that bothers you, it’s residual from dating him, and you haven’t really dealt with all of this from both a mental and emotional standpoint, you could “come in hot” when it comes to guys who you date, moving forward. Meaning, what you deem as standards are more like demands — and it’s all because you are projecting the stuff from your ex onto someone new.
Another example. Say that it is hell to get your child’s father to financially contribute on a regular basis, and you don’t want to put him on child support (y’all should research the racist history and current-day agenda of child support to this day because y’all know that you don’t get all of the money…right?) yet you’re sick of him mistaking your kindness for weakness. As a result, you are sensitive to men who are careful with their coins, and so a part of you is quick to classify them as being stingy or broke. See how that could be more about an unhealed trigger and less about them?
No one is perfect, and honestly, all of us have some sort of trigger somewhere (check out “How To Handle Folks Who ‘Trigger’ You”). To that, I will say this: with the help of a therapist and/or life coach, certain triggers can actually get deactivated. That’s why it’s not good enough to simply be on some “these are my triggers, deal with it.” On the flip, though, because being a single parent automatically means that you’ve been through some things, it’s wise to share what a few of your triggers are early on — even if you want to pose them as deal-breakers with a bit of a backstory as to why.
Why? Because experiences are typically what create triggers and it’s not fair to assume that your experiences are someone else’s or that folks should automatically think that your triggers should make sense just because they do in your eyes. As I tell people often, boundaries are disrespected once boundaries are articulated. Please don’t expect someone to read your mind. Share where you’re at as soon as possible.
5. An “Intro” to the Dynamic You Have with Your Child’s Parent
GiphyInformation is privileged and no one is saying that you have to share your entire life story in under three dates. However, giving a little deeper than a “kiddie pool” perspective on how things are with your child’s other parent can reveal more than you might realize. For instance, someone in my world? Her ex likes to gaslight her and definitely is manipulative. Something that we joke around about (although it’s not exactly funny) is it’s going to take a really special man to deal with all of the mind games that her ex likes to play. I know both of them pretty well, so from where I’m sitting, the next man is going to need to be very firm with his boundaries and not engage in “last word syndrome” whenever her ex tries to “bait him in” because something else that her ex is? He’s a know-it-all.
Okay, so what if the first thing that comes to your mind is, “Chile, I don’t plan on anyone meeting my child’s father or my children any time soon?” I hear you. That really isn’t the point here, though. When you learn about someone’s dynamic with their child’s other parent, it can give insight into how they communicate, negotiate, and compromise. It can also let you know if there are some things going on that you’d prefer to not engage in — because, again, it would suck to really dig someone and then have them tap out because they felt caught off guard by some intel that probably should’ve been shared with them sooner than later. If you don’t agree with me, simply put their shoe onto your foot.
6. What You’ve Learned About Yourself As a Single Parent (Thus Far)
GiphyIt’s almost like people have forgotten that dating needs to be about learning about someone to see if the two of you truly complement each other — and when it comes to life lessons, I don’t know if anyone is a better teacher than children and very few things are more impacting than parenting. So, be open to sharing on the second date the things that you have learned about yourself, how single parenting has changed you, what you require in a relationship now that you didn’t necessarily before becoming a single parent, and where you’d like to see yourself, as far as dating goes, in six-month increments.
Why increments? Because saying, “I want to be married in 16 months” is actually kind of overwhelming in a new dating dynamic. What isn’t is saying, “What my past relationships have taught me is that I don’t like to be unclear. The first six months, I’d like to see if there’s real potential with someone. The next six, I’d like to talk about if there’s a future and if they are ready for our families to meet.”
Something else that’s dope about this particular talking point is the fact that sharing what you’ve learned shows a side of graciousness and humility. After all, folks are good for talking about all of the things that they expect from someone else or all of what their ex did wrong on dates; however, sharing what you see about yourself shows that you’ve done some self-reflecting and have real self-awareness — and trust me, that is hella attractive because it’s becoming something that is rarer and rarer to see.
____
Single parents who date? In many ways, they are no different than anyone else. At the same time, though, it’s okay to admit that you’ve got some specialized needs, concerns, and expectations that anyone who chooses to date you should certainly be aware of.
By discussing these six talking points, hopefully, it’ll be easier to see who can be truly realistic, supportive, and understanding…because, if anyone especially needs it and is deserving of it, as a single parent…it’s you.
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