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6 Things To Discuss On The Second Date. If Either Of You Is A Single Parent.
So, if you didn’t know, March 21, 2024, is National Single Parents Day. And since, reportedly, around 25 percent of children who are under the age of 18 live with only one of their parents, I thought that it was beyond necessary and relevant to tackle the topic of what it’s like to date as a single parent; especially since, contrary to the popular belief of some, they are absolutely not a monolith.
What I mean by that is, that a teen parent is not the same thing as a divorced parent who is not the same thing as a widowed parent who is not the same thing as someone who intentionally became a single parent. And because all of those backstories are different, to a certain extent, so are the needs that they have when it comes to whom they choose to spend intimate/romantic time with. Honestly, that kind of means that they each could have their own article when it comes to this type of topic.
What To Discuss When Dating As A Single Parent
Today, though, after someone asked me to broach this particular dating lane, I thought about the single parents in my own space and came up with six things that I think should be discussed very early in the initial dating process, no matter how you became a single parent personally.
Because if you’re a single parent reading this, if there’s one thing that you know is a precious commodity, it’s your time. Right?
1. The Kind of Relationship You’re Looking For
Social media is an interesting place — and that’s putting it mildly. And while I’ve gotta be real and say that I do see my fair share of women who try and find a stepfather for their kids damn near after date one, it’s a grossly inaccurate assumption to say that is a representation of all single mothers. Besides, let’s not act like being a single parent automatically means that kids don’t have their other parent in their lives (goodness). And that’s why I think that one of the first things that should come up on the second date (because if you already made it past the first one, some level of chemistry has already been established) is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for.
Do you want something serious and long-term? Are you simply interested in spending some adult time with an individual who shares some of your interests? Let’s not act like “exclusive sex partners” (folks who are exclusive with someone sexually yet may see other people recreationally) aren’t on the rise as well.
Listen, the divorced people with kids I know? For many of them, the last thing that’s on their mind is jumping another broom. On the other hand, some single parents I know who’ve never been married are dating solely for that purpose. The moral of the story? Single parents may not be on the same page about what their ultimate relational goals are. The only way the person who is dating them is gonna know is if the question is asked.
2. What Your Schedule Is Like
Chile…LISTEN. I’m single with no kids and I don’t know where the day goes. The single parents in my world? It’s like they are working with a third of the time that I seem to have. And here’s the thing: because of my relational (and parental) status, I can pretty much up and go on a dime. Single parents? Eh. Not so much. They have to factor in things like their kids’ schedules and needs, if they are co-parenting, when their children are with the other parent, what they need to get done outside of their kids’ stuff, etc. And if you’re dating a single parent who is also an entrepreneur? Whew, chile.
I can’t tell you how many single parents have told me that they don’t date — or make it past the first or second date — and it’s simply because they can’t seem to find the time when it’s convenient for them and other people. So, definitely, something else that needs to be discussed, off the rip, is what both of your schedules are like and if it’s feasible to get on some common ground. Otherwise, your relationship can end up feeling like a long-distance relationship, even if you’re both in the same city — and that can bring about its own complications and issues. And when you’re a single parent, who wants to volunteer for more stress? Yeah…exactly.
3. What Your Needs Are
One definition of need is “essential.” One definition of essential is “absolutely necessary.” As a single parent who is dating someone new, what do you need? Do you need space? Do you need flexibility? Do you need patience? Do you need someone who is proactive in communication? Do you need someone who is willing to take things slow? Do you need someone who gets that sometimes plans might change at the last minute? Do you need someone who is willing to understand that you are still healing when it comes to your ex? Do you need someone who isn’t threatened by or jealous of your dynamic with your child’s father? I could go on and on with this; however, the main takeaway is, before the second date, it’s a good idea to jot down 5-7 concrete needs that are pretty much non-negotiable for you — and then be open to expressing them.
Now, before some of you say, “Isn’t the second date too soon?” ABSOLUTELY NOT. Listen, single parent or not, there is nothing worse than finding yourself emotionally attached to and invested in someone, only to discover that while they like you, they either aren’t in the position to or aren’t willing to give you what you need — and when you’re not getting what you need in a relationship, it’s gonna have an expiration date on it, one way or another.
Someone who thinks that stating your needs is “doing the most” is someone who has the potential to gaslight you throughout the entire relationship. Best to share your needs now and hear their thoughts (as you do the same for them). If you can meet each other’s needs, cool. If you can meet some and, so you’re meant to be friends, awesome. If it’s just a nice second date, and you two should leave it at that — ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. It’s really not.
4. What Your Triggers Are
As someone who works in mental health to some degree, I really wish that all single parents were offered a couple of months of free therapy when they first find themselves in that position. Why? Because although some people are single parents by choice, many aren’t (meaning, they didn’t plan to not raise their kids in a two-parent dynamic), and some time to process, grieve, and heal in a professionally trained setting is wise. Otherwise, you could find yourself reacting to triggers that really aren’t so much “dating standards;” they’re more like areas of your life that you haven’t fully addressed.
Example. Say that you found yourself doing most of the work when it came to dating your child’s father. Now that you’re not together, while he’s a pretty decent parent (at least a B- on the old-school report card), you still have to initiate the conversation about him doing certain things that come very naturally to you. If that bothers you, it’s residual from dating him, and you haven’t really dealt with all of this from both a mental and emotional standpoint, you could “come in hot” when it comes to guys who you date, moving forward. Meaning, what you deem as standards are more like demands — and it’s all because you are projecting the stuff from your ex onto someone new.
Another example. Say that it is hell to get your child’s father to financially contribute on a regular basis, and you don’t want to put him on child support (y’all should research the racist history and current-day agenda of child support to this day because y’all know that you don’t get all of the money…right?) yet you’re sick of him mistaking your kindness for weakness. As a result, you are sensitive to men who are careful with their coins, and so a part of you is quick to classify them as being stingy or broke. See how that could be more about an unhealed trigger and less about them?
No one is perfect, and honestly, all of us have some sort of trigger somewhere (check out “How To Handle Folks Who ‘Trigger’ You”). To that, I will say this: with the help of a therapist and/or life coach, certain triggers can actually get deactivated. That’s why it’s not good enough to simply be on some “these are my triggers, deal with it.” On the flip, though, because being a single parent automatically means that you’ve been through some things, it’s wise to share what a few of your triggers are early on — even if you want to pose them as deal-breakers with a bit of a backstory as to why.
Why? Because experiences are typically what create triggers and it’s not fair to assume that your experiences are someone else’s or that folks should automatically think that your triggers should make sense just because they do in your eyes. As I tell people often, boundaries are disrespected once boundaries are articulated. Please don’t expect someone to read your mind. Share where you’re at as soon as possible.
5. An “Intro” to the Dynamic You Have with Your Child’s Parent
Information is privileged and no one is saying that you have to share your entire life story in under three dates. However, giving a little deeper than a “kiddie pool” perspective on how things are with your child’s other parent can reveal more than you might realize. For instance, someone in my world? Her ex likes to gaslight her and definitely is manipulative. Something that we joke around about (although it’s not exactly funny) is it’s going to take a really special man to deal with all of the mind games that her ex likes to play. I know both of them pretty well, so from where I’m sitting, the next man is going to need to be very firm with his boundaries and not engage in “last word syndrome” whenever her ex tries to “bait him in” because something else that her ex is? He’s a know-it-all.
Okay, so what if the first thing that comes to your mind is, “Chile, I don’t plan on anyone meeting my child’s father or my children any time soon?” I hear you. That really isn’t the point here, though. When you learn about someone’s dynamic with their child’s other parent, it can give insight into how they communicate, negotiate, and compromise. It can also let you know if there are some things going on that you’d prefer to not engage in — because, again, it would suck to really dig someone and then have them tap out because they felt caught off guard by some intel that probably should’ve been shared with them sooner than later. If you don’t agree with me, simply put their shoe onto your foot.
6. What You’ve Learned About Yourself As a Single Parent (Thus Far)
It’s almost like people have forgotten that dating needs to be about learning about someone to see if the two of you truly complement each other — and when it comes to life lessons, I don’t know if anyone is a better teacher than children and very few things are more impacting than parenting. So, be open to sharing on the second date the things that you have learned about yourself, how single parenting has changed you, what you require in a relationship now that you didn’t necessarily before becoming a single parent, and where you’d like to see yourself, as far as dating goes, in six-month increments.
Why increments? Because saying, “I want to be married in 16 months” is actually kind of overwhelming in a new dating dynamic. What isn’t is saying, “What my past relationships have taught me is that I don’t like to be unclear. The first six months, I’d like to see if there’s real potential with someone. The next six, I’d like to talk about if there’s a future and if they are ready for our families to meet.”
Something else that’s dope about this particular talking point is the fact that sharing what you’ve learned shows a side of graciousness and humility. After all, folks are good for talking about all of the things that they expect from someone else or all of what their ex did wrong on dates; however, sharing what you see about yourself shows that you’ve done some self-reflecting and have real self-awareness — and trust me, that is hella attractive because it’s becoming something that is rarer and rarer to see.
____
Single parents who date? In many ways, they are no different than anyone else. At the same time, though, it’s okay to admit that you’ve got some specialized needs, concerns, and expectations that anyone who chooses to date you should certainly be aware of.
By discussing these six talking points, hopefully, it’ll be easier to see who can be truly realistic, supportive, and understanding…because, if anyone especially needs it and is deserving of it, as a single parent…it’s you.
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."