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Momma’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe: Why I Prefer To Date Single Dads
I remember being 22 and pregnant with my first daughter. The bold question from my uncle, "Are you prepared to take care of this child by yourself?" continues to resonate until this very day.
I assumed he was just being yet another pessimistic, overprotective male family member. Yet, I had no clue this thought-provoking question would become my reality.
Society trains us to believe that there is a "right" way to go about having a child.
Get your education, secure a career, get married, and then create a family. While this sounds all well and good, and does increase the opportunity for a stable foundation, what everyone failed to teach us was how to be prepared for the possibility of becoming a single parent. Even in the case of such "proper" prior planning. My uncle was probably the only person I've encountered to keep it real and suggest that the priority be to plan for the worst-case scenario.
As young ambitious partners, we don't always fully think about long-term parenting responsibilities, such as the financial demands of clothing, food, healthcare, child care, etc.
We also don't take into consideration the possibility of becoming the child's primary parent or, in worse circumstances, the only parent.
As mothers, we don't imagine ourselves one day possibly being the head of household who not only has to maintain this child's survival via food in the refrigerator, electricity in the home, and a roof over their head, but in addition, we are primarily responsible for all things relative to this human being and with little or no help from the father.
If I could have done it all over again, I would still have my children, just with someone different, preferably someone who was already a father.
When people are boasting the societal norm to do things the "right way," never do they take into consideration two people who are new to parenting and what type of parent they will turn out to be.
Most women are natural caretakers, thus parenting becomes something we dive into and master on our own or with some guidance from other women in our lives. Fathers on the other hand don't naturally carry the exact same parenting/caretaker trait that women do.
While there are some very hands-on and active fathers, many leave the majority of the parenting to the mothers.
Many of these fathers adapt to the role of the financial caretaker and, to them, that is parenting enough. The fathers described here possibly come from a background of learned behavior in which their father mainly provided financial support, was absent from the home, or the women in their life trained them to believe that the bare minimum is all there is to fatherhood and the rest is the mother's responsibility.
It is then that the child's mother, whether married or not, is left with the bulk of the responsibility.
The mother is the primary contact for school or daycare, the mother is first to leave work when receiving the emergency illness calls. She's responsible for the morning drop off and afternoon pick-up, she's responsible for the doctor's appointments, she's responsible for night and morning routines. She is the point person for almost everything relative to the child's well-being.
Meanwhile, the father is totally disconnected from much of the above and, in some cases, his parents are more connected to these matters than he is himself.
Again, this does not apply to all fathers, but unfortunately in my case and largely in the black community, there is a norm that the majority of parenting is a Mother's job. The proof is also evidenced by the mother's inability to partake in certain lifestyle events without having to secure reliable childcare first. Many fathers are able to come and go as they please without a worry in the world as to who will be responsible for the child they created, as long as the mother is involved and fit as a parent.
I've watched the elders in any given father's life take over his parenting responsibilities, training him to believe his role is separate from that of a mother's, and I've also listened to these women say that certain responsibilities are a "mother's job." Besides bonding with a newborn the first few days and breastfeeding, I do not believe any other part of parenting to solely be a "mother's job." Not only was I raised by a man (my father), I grew up watching the men in my family be very active in their children's lives and met male friends who too carried out just as much responsibility as the mother. Those elders who trained men to believe the majority of parenting is a "mother's job" are just further aiding the issue.
My hope is that society moves away from the idealized way of preparing us for parenthood.
Truth is, it's very unfortunate that no matter how much you prepare for a child or get married and make a plan, you simply cannot predict what type of father a man will be unless he already has a child, and even then, you still can't guarantee the ideal situation.
As a 34-year-old single parent of two, this is why I now prefer to date single fathers. Meeting a single father allows me to learn more about his parenting style and helps avoid getting into another failed attempt at establishing a 50/50 parenting foundation.
Being involved with a single father means I can learn more about his beliefs around the balance of parental responsibility, no matter if we're married or co-parenting.
For ladies that wish to start their family from scratch as two individuals new to parenting, I suggest you take into consideration your partner's upbringing and make sure he wasn't raised to believe that a child is momma's baby and daddy's maybe.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
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Danisha L. Baughan (Dani) is a long term educator, community activist, and philanthropist. Dani is a mother of two who enjoys writing on her spare time, hosting an event she created called Chat N Chew Battle of the Sexes, and has also directed and produced a cultural/gender based documentary on dating in today's society, It's Not You, It's THEM!. Follow her on Instagram @dani_beaux_.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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