Several years ago, I ran into someone who I hadn’t seen in…shoot, forever. After we both got over the semi-shock of randomly seeing each other, I noticed that she had a really distraught look on her face. Y’all, definitely an occupational hazard of being a marriage life coach is when I notice someone is stressed out, I will go into (or be put into) coaching/counseling mode — this was no exception. She actually burst into tears as she pulled me aside, whispered that she recently found out that she had herpes, and then shared that she basically thought her dreams of having a healthy relationship were over.
Hmph. I’m actually surprised that there aren’t far more articles out in cyberspace surrounding this topic. The reason why I say that is because, when it comes to HSV-2, specifically, reportedly one in five women between the ages of 14 and 49 currently have it and, within our own community, one in two Black women within the same demographic do — that is the virus that causes genital herpes (you can read an NPR piece from several years back entitled, “CDC: Genital Herpes Among Black Women High” for more info on that).
And so, since herpes is just this common, I thought it was extremely important that we dive into what herpes is, what you should do if you have it, how you can prevent it if you don’t, and, just what your approach to sex should be if you do have herpes and you’re considering becoming intimate with a new partner.
Herpes. Explained. A Bit Better.
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First, because there still tends to be such a stigma surrounding herpes, let’s talk about the layers that surround it. For instance, did you know that there are actually over 100 different versions of the herpes virus, that only eight directly affect humans directly, and out of those two, it’s the herpes simplex viruses (HSV-1 and HSV-2) that can lead to genital warts (the other six impact other parts of your system such as your immunity and skin)?
HSV-1 is what causes oral herpes (cold sores via your mouth) while HSV-2 is what causes genital herpes. Both are infections that currently have no cure (although they can be managed with medication).
What Is HSV-1?
Now, if one of the main things that you’re wondering is if HSV-1 and HSV-2 are both considered to be STI/STDs, the answer isn’t exactly black and white. Since HSV-1 (which is super contagious during an outbreak, by the way) tends to be spread through saliva or sores in the mouth (or using folks’ cups and utensils when they have an outbreak), it can’t be automatically classified as an STI/STD. However, since HSV-1 can also be transmitted via oral sex, this means that it potentially can be an STI/STD.
It also should go on record that if you happen to be diagnosed with HSV-1, you can’t be reinfected with it; at the same time, you are at risk (some say a higher risk) to contract HSV-2. When it comes to HSV-1, it’s also important to keep in mind that it’s common to contract it as a child and it’s also hella common to be asymptomatic. That said, if you do happen to end up with cold sores in or around your mouth, they typically will go away within two weeks — although before that two-week window is up, that is the time when sexual contact should be avoided.
Usually, the treatment for oral herpes is antiviral medications and/or antiviral ointments and/or over-the-counter anti-inflammatory meds. And again, although cold sores do happen to go away on their own, medical research does reveal that proper treatment can help to reduce the frequency and intensity of outbreaks whenever they do occur.
What About HSV-2?
Since it is a type of herpes virus that is spread through vaginal, oral, and/or anal sex, it is definitely classified as being an STI/STD. Some other ways that it can be spread is by touching someone’s genitals whenever they have an outbreak, a baby being vaginally birthed, and even via breastfeeding if the mom happens to have an open sore in that area at the time.
Symptoms
As far as symptoms go, it truly can’t be said enough that many people don’t even know that they have genital herpes and so, sometimes what could seem like a yeast infection or UTI could actually be genital herpes. So, if you happen to have pain in your or around your genitalia, yellow discharge, and/or pain when you urinate and either a standard yeast infection or UTI treatment doesn’t help or the infection keeps returning, you really need to make an appointment with your doctor.
Some other symptoms to look out for: red, blister-like bumps, fever, headaches, pain in your joints, and/or lesions (or ulcers) on your vulva, in your vagina, in your anus, or even on your buttocks, and/or thighs.
Treatment & Outbreaks
Treatment for HSV-2 includes various antiviral medications and/or episodic therapy (a one-time treatment that specifically targets a particular outbreak) and chronic suppressive therapy for individuals who have frequent outbreaks. It’s also important to keep in mind that things like your menstrual cycle and bouts of stress can trigger an outbreak. As far as how long a genital outbreak lasts, research reveals that the first one is typically the longest; it can last anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks.
Oh, and one more thing before we continue: genital herpes cannot spread to other parts of your body. So, if you’ve got an unexplainable sore on, say, your arm or your leg, speak with your doctor. Don’t assume that it has anything to do with the herpes virus.
Herpes & Relationships: How Sex Should Be Approached
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Okay, so now that, hopefully, herpes has been explained in a way where it makes more sense (en masse), let’s get into how sex should be approached/handled if you happen to have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Well, for starters, let me reiterate that ORAL SEX IS SEX, and again, both forms of the herpes virus can be spread that way — this is especially the case if you or your partner has an outbreak, although studies say that herpes can be transmitted even if there are no symptoms, which is why sexually-active people really need to get tested for STI/STDs every 6-12 months without fail.
Now after reading that, you might think that having herpes means that oral sex (giving or receiving) is pretty much a thing of the past. Eh, not exactly. It’s important to keep in mind that while participating in the act with someone who has the virus does make you more vulnerable to getting it, it’s been reported that getting HSV-2 through oral activity is pretty rare. Still, if you want to take extra precautions, you can always have oral sex while using a condom or a dental dam.
And what about sexual intercourse? Pretty much any medical professional that you speak to is going to recommend that you use a condom while having sex, whether you have an outbreak, or symptoms or not. And listen, while we’re here, I know a guy, who has HSV-2, who is SUPER SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE because he only uses condoms if he happens to have an outbreak going on and he doesn’t always notify his partners that he even has genital herpes (UGH).
Unfortunately, he’s not alone either.
Several years back, the Guttmacher Institute published, “Many People Who Have Herpes Use Condoms Only During Symptomatic Outbreaks” — and when you stop to consider that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms anyway (and even that isn’t consistently)…SMDH. Yeah, don’t even get me started on how that could be a huge part of the reason why herpes is such a widespread virus.
Anyway, condoms at all times, not having sex if you have symptoms related to an outbreak, and definitely no sex if there are sores/lesions/ulcers present need to be the rule of thumb. And what if you happen to be in a long-term exclusive situation and you don’t want to use condoms forever? An option to consider is taking what is known as a serological test; it’s a type of blood test that can reveal if antibodies of the virus are present in you and/or your partner’s system to help you determine if it’s “worth the risk” to engage in unprotected sex.
And what should you do when it comes to considering “taking it there” with a new potential partner? That is an excellent question. Excellent, indeed.
3 Things to Consider When It Comes to Talking to a Prospective Partner About Herpes
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The video above (via @bianca.ordonez_on TikTok)? I mean, talk about a roller coaster of emotions while listening to her, right? There are three main reasons why I thought it was important to share it, though. For one thing, pretty much every article that I read on how to act responsibly when it comes to having herpes (as it relates to being sexually involved, that is), said that you absolutely should disclose that you have it and so, I’ll say this: an apathetic partner, only any level, isn’t someone you should be sleeping with.
Two, one day, I may pen a piece on the stigma that continues regarding HIV. For now, I will say that I thought it was important to share what Bianca had to say because having herpes increases your chances of becoming diagnosed with HIV (during an outbreak most of all). And three, although jarring, Bianca makes a valid point about not making assumptions and your health needing to be your own top priority.
It’s time out for someone not “looking like” they have an STI/STD. If you’re not willing to have some grown folks conversations before engaging in sexual activity, then you need to wait until you are.
Keeping all of this in mind and circling all the way back to the woman in the intro of this article, how should you approach bringing herpes into the discourse when you’re seeing someone new?
1. Intimate conversations are for intimate situations. As much as social media wants to depict otherwise (SMDH), sex, even in this day and age, should be seen as an intimate act — and words that define intimate include “very private,” “warm friendship” and “close personal relations." So, unless nothing but casual sex is what you’re after (and if so, you definitely need to let your partner know that you have herpes ASAP), there’s no reason to lead with your health diagnosis, right off the bat.
I mean, how do you even know if they are someone who you want to be sexually involved with? And so, to disclose something that private? It could be way premature. Besides, if it gets to that point, some STI/STD testing needs to be transpiring, in both directions, anyway. So, if it looks like things are getting to where sex (any kind of sex) is going to go down, that is a good time to bring up testing as well as your health issue. Based on how they handle it, that can reveal a lot about whether or not they are someone who you should be “engaging” with, anyway. Real talk.
2. If you don’t trust them enough to talk about it, why trust them with your body in the first place? If you read what I just said and are like, “I hear you but…I’m still really uncomfortable” — that’s normal and human. Really, though, sis — if you can’t trust him enough to talk about having herpes, do you really trust him at all? And if you don’t, why is sleeping with him even on the table (right now) in the first place? Not only that but, although it is certainly everyone’s right to think and feel whatever they do about herpes, oftentimes sharing can be a teachable moment.
What I mean by that is, anyone who stares in disgust or tries to make you feel bad, it’s evident how ignorant they are about it. If anything, it could be a good time to educate them on HSV-1 and HSV-2 because, with the statistics revealing just how widespread herpes is, should they choose to remain sexually active with multiple partners, there’s a good chance that this exact conversation will come up…again.
3. Apply the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I’ll close out with this one. Now that you know what you do about herpes, if you were newly dating someone who had it, when would you like to know? Also, does oral herpes vs. genital herpes make any difference as far as when you prefer to have the intel revealed? I don’t have HSV-1 or HSV-2. I have thought about how I would handle this type of situation, though. For me, if we’re going to kiss, we should talk about HSV-1.
On the other hand, if you have HSV-2 and there is absolutely no oral and intercourse going on, it can wait until we’re at the point of entertaining it. Again, I get that it’s personal information and so, unless it will affect/impact me directly, I respect it remaining as such. Everyone is different, though, so think about how you would want things to be handled if the shoe was on the other foot. If you’re being honest and not shirking responsibility, that oftentimes will reveal the best route to take.
___
Herpes has no cure, so yes, it’s serious. Yet you know what, y’all? Sex can create babies. Sex can give you other infections. Sex can potentially break your heart. That means that sex, period, is serious. And serious actions need to have serious conversations — before engaging in them.
Let that be the greatest takeaway of all — whether you have herpes…or not.
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Featured image by Morsa Images/Getty Images
- 10 Ways To Make Using A Condom So Much More Pleasurable ›
- What Does It Truly Mean To Engage In 'Safe Sex'? ›
- You Like Having Sex With Him. Your Vagina Doesn't. What Should You Do? ›
- How To Handle The Shock Of A Herpes Diagnosis, From A Woman Who’s Been There ›
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It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
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Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
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With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
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In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
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In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
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And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
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Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023