

One of the reasons why I think it's important to tackle topics like this is because it's a reminder that when it comes to finding the one who is truly right for you, it's not really a one-size-fits-all kind of process. It's wise to keep this in mind because, if you're not careful, you'll hear someone else's love story, admire it, then think that if you do things exactly like they did—BOOM your man will suddenly appear. And then be pissed if "he" doesn't
Yes, y'all, I get it. Some women have written a list of what they wanted in a man and everything on the list did indeed manifest. Along those same lines, we've featured stories on the site of women who had a tattoo that made a romantic connection happen, prayed a particular prayer and got married—the testimonies go on and on. But just like those ladies are individuals with their own unique romantic journey, sis, so are you. That's why it's essential to pray, meditate, ponder on what is the best "method" for you to take in your quest for love.
Oh, and if you're hellbent on comprising a list, here are some things you should seriously consider first—just so you are able to keep a balanced and realistic perspective on what a what-I-want-in-a-man list can—and cannot—do for you.
PRO: You’ll Have Clear Direction About What You Want
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's heard that it's not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you're hungry and/or when you don't have a list in tow. If you do, everything that you see will look good to you and/or you could end up getting things that you already have, don't need or even really want. Along these same lines, that's why it can be a good idea to create a list of what you want in a man before getting into a relationship. While it's another message for another time that it can also be a good idea to not "shop for a relationship" when you're "hungry"—and by that, what I mean is needy—when you've taken the time to think about what you truly desire in a person, as well as a relationship, it can bring forth a clarity that cultivates the kind of self-confidence that reminds you not to settle for less.
CON: You Could Find Yourself Closed Off to What You Actually Need
If you don't get anything else out of this article, please hear me when I say that wants and needs are not always or automatically the same things. I can't tell you how many couples I have worked with who totally regret the spouse that they chose (if you quietly can relate, check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?") because they were more focused on what they wanted than what they actually needed. What's the difference? There's one woman I know who was caught up in her now-husband, ever since I met her. He's fine. He's talented. A lot of women lusted him. I get it. But his work ethic sucks. While she was out here being focused on wanting him, she didn't really focus on needing someone who would be a good provider (among other things). So now, she's out here doing most of the work (literally) and that's been the case for many years.
A potential con that comes from the "what I want in a man" list is you can be tempted to treat it a lot like a Christmas wish list. You're so busy thinking about what tickles your fancy, that you're not really pondering what would be good, long-term, for your mind, body and spirit.
It takes a lot of maturity to realize that needs should definitely come before wants, across the board, in life. If you do decide to compile a list, make sure that necessities always trump fleeting cravings and desires.
PRO: Your List Can Keep You from Being Superficial
A wise person once said, "If you don't have a map, you don't know where you are going." Along with that, I once heard Bishop TD Jakes say that if all you want is to be with someone, nothing but "something" could be all that you end up with. In other words, when you're not thoughtful about what you desire, it can be easy to get distracted. Trust me, I know from whence I speak. There are some men in my past who were able to reel me in, bed me up and totally waste my time, all because I was caught up in the superficial of what they had to offer—good looks, semi-great sex and something to do. That's cool but it's also pretty shallow and superficial.
That's why it's important to create a list that reflects the quality of relationship that you want, not just the kind of man that you desire. Hear me when I say that there is a lot of "fine nothingness" walking around out here who might be a good time but won't hold you down when ish hits the fan and you're looking for real long-lasting love and support.
CON: Your List May Actually Be Hypocritical and/or Unrealistic
Another potential downside of creating this kind of list is you can find yourself wanting what you, yourself are not. For instance, I know one woman who said that a man who'd been married before or had kids was non-negotiable. I mean, go off, sis—that is your right. But what's interesting about that is she was already twice-divorced with two children of her own. I know another woman who wanted a man with a six-figure income while she was in five-figure debt. Then there's the woman who wanted a man with a six-pack but said she refused to go to the gym herself because "her husband should love her just as she is".
Yep. It can be really easy to create a "what I want in a man" list that oozes with hypocrisy that may even teeter on the side of being unrealistic. One way to avoid this "con" is, after you finish your list, purpose in your mind to make sure you are what you desire. That significantly ups your chances of attracting what you wrote down anyway.
PRO: You’ll Be Able to Nip Ish in the Bud Much Quicker
If there is one thing that I do actually like a lot about creating this type of list is it can help you to spot BS much quicker. If you want a man who is interested in marriage, then you won't go past a couple of dates when someone who says he doesn't want anything long-term. If you want to be with a man who has certain values, you'll nix the potential for a relationship the moment he shows that he isn't on the same page as you are. If you want a man who is spiritually at a certain level, why keep seeing someone who couldn't care less about God or his purpose?
Time is valuable. It's something you can't even get back. One benefit of having this kind of list ready before you start seeing someone new is it can let you know if something should last for three dates or—not.
CON: You Might Not Recognize the Universe Is Operating in an Unexpected Way
What inspired me to write this is this con right here. There are some women I know who can personally attest to the fact that they were so—pardon the pun—married to their own list of what they wanted in a man that when their now-husband came into their life, they almost missed out on him. For some, he didn't look the way they wanted him to. For others, their husband had certain personality traits that, while initially they didn't think they would be drawn to, it has actually balanced them out in the long run. Some didn't want a man with kids, but they have come to adore his children as their own. Others didn't want a "dreamer" but now he's a thriving entrepreneur. Some wanted to meet their man at church but ran into him at a football game. Others wanted him to come at a certain time, but he either came much earlier or…much later.
I can pretty much guess what some of y'all might be thinking. When you take this particular point into account, why come up with a list at all? At the end of the day, what I'm really trying to say is a list is cool, but it's best to use it as a guideline not some written law that has no room for editing—or for the Universe to alter if it so chooses. Bottom line, if you want to write a list, do so. Yet allow space in your head and heart for life to surprise you too…with a lot of what you want and even more of what you really and truly need.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, different shades of pinks and reds are heavy in rotation. And even though red lipstick is a bold statement no matter the time of year, this season in particular places a special emphasis on the timeless beauty staple. What says confidence and allure more than a red lip?
Vying for a place as your go-to red lipstick shade is The Lip Bar's latest release, "Good Karma," a warm rust-brown red lippie formulated with melanin-rich skin in mind. Finding the right red lipstick can be a game-changer when you're looking to make a statement, find your signature, or turn heads. And the beauty of dark skin means that the versatility of reds we can rock is limitless.
From rust-red or brick shades for warm undertones to intense reds, berry reds, or deep wine and true reds, melanin-rich skin has a richness to it that translates to a range of reds popping beautifully against our various skin tones. If you've been on the hunt for your one true pairing when it comes to the ultimate red lipstick shade, look no further than our list of Black-owned beauty brands.
The Best Red Lipsticks for Deep Skin Tones
"Good Karma" x The Lip Bar
"Good Karma"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: Following in the footsteps of The Lip Bar's "Bawse Lady," aka their #1 red matte lippie, "Good Karma" is a warm rust-brown red liquid matte that applies like a gloss and has all-day staying power.
"Elson 2" x Pat McGrath Labs
"Elson 2"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: Nicknamed "The Perfect Red," Pat McGrath Labs' "Elson 2" is a beauty lover staple and stays sold out. With its luxurious, highly pigmented formula and velvety smooth finish, this red lipstick delivers on its promise of pure color and then some.
"Sade" x UOMA Beauty
"Sade"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: UOMA Beauty knew what they were doing with their line of "Badass Icon Matte Lipstick" inspired by badass icons across generations. Talk about timeless elegance, "Sade" is a deep, balanced red that goes on as smoothly and wears as divinely as its namesake.
"Fierce" x Juvia's Place
"Fierce"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: "Fierce" is a standout in Juvia's Place's carefully curated Reds and Berries Velvety Matte Lipstick collection. The shades prove the beauty brand has the range when it comes to shades that have deep skin tones in mind and "Fierce"'s burgundy-red pigmentation is no exception.
"Blood Orange" x Mented Cosmetics
"Blood Orange"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: As a part of Mented Cosmetics' Sangria collection, the vibrant red-orange "Blood Orange" shade is a standout amongst the liquid matte lippies, offering a perfect pop of color that's not too soft and not too bold.
"Uncensored" x Fenty Beauty
"Uncensored"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: The Stunna Lip Paint in "Uncensored" by Fenty Beauty is a universally flattering true red that stuns on all skin tones, no matter the undertone. Bold, long-lasting, and kissably smooth, "Uncensored" is that red lipstick.
"Uno Love" x GloGirlCosmetics
"Uno Love"
Finish: Satin
Why It's a Winner: "Uno Love" is a fiery red lipstick shade with coral undertones that dares those who wear it to "live out loud." Enriched with vitamin E, the formula packs the pigment while ensuring your pout stays deeply nourished.
"Dare" x Wyn Beauty
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: A ruby-red shade that is as hydrating as it is long-lasting, Wyn Beauty's "Dare" is a shade designed to keep your lips feeling soft while making an unapologetically bold statement.
"Rich AF" x LYS Beauty
"Rich AF"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: "Rich AF" is LYS Beauty's take on a classic red. This highly pigmented formula delivers bold color with one swipe while keeping lips nourished and soft for all-day wear.
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