Where does the damn time go? It literally seems like just yesterday, that “Did We Just Become Best Friends?” Ulta commercial was playing incessantly on the television and now, we’re “looking over the fence” at Valentine’s Day. Goodness.
Anyway, if you took out some time to check out “Resolve To Evolve In 2025. That's It.” which was published earlier this month, you already know what kind of headspace I’m encouraging us all to be on until holiday commercials come back on the tube at the end of this year.
Evolving? It’s all about growing gradually — and if you happen to be a single woman who is also sexually active (or planning to be), I wanted to share some ways that you can “resolve to evolve” in that department from now through another ball dropping as well.
So, before you decide to, as the artist Mya once said/sang it, give the best of you to someone else, please read the seven promises that I think you should make to yourself about your own sex life — so that this year can be one that is filled with as much pleasure and as little regret as possible.
1. I Will Not RELY on Anyone Else to Protect My Physical Health and Well-Being
GiphyHe got me pregnant. She trapped me. I honestly can’t believe how much I hear both of these things on social media, almost on a daily basis.
And while there is such an evil thing as stealthing (when a man lies about using a condom) and yes, there are also some women who say they are on birth control when they aren’t (and I loathe that lie as well), when you factor in that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms at all (and even that isn’t consistently — SMDH), those of us with maturity and common sense know that more times than not, folks would rather blame someone else for unprepared consequences of their sex-related actions than take some real personal accountability…and nothing about that is wise, smart or good. Please don’t be one of those individuals.
If you’re not already in this mindset, make 2025 the year when you commit to getting tested twice a year, that you take charge of your own body when it comes to birth control (instead of relying on the declarations of another person) and that you will set firm guidelines and boundaries, BEFOREHAND, of what you expect from your partners when it comes to their own sexual health.
Because sis, even if you’re into casual sex, if you’re not proactive about protecting yourself, sometimes the outcome of copulation is anything BUT…casual. In fact, even as we speak, STIs/STDs, globally, are on the rise.
2. I Will Clearly Convey My Intentions (and Boundaries) on the Front End
GiphyLet’s circle back on the boundaries thing for a moment. Boundaries are limits, right? Recently, I was talking to a client, who is currently sleeping with more than one person, about how important it is to communicate with each individual about what her boundaries are: this includes intentions, expectations, and deal-breakers (check out “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom”). And y’all, because sex can very easily (and oftentimes does) change the dynamic of a relationship, it is a good idea to talk about all of these things before the act happens — not after.
Before, you tend to be more logical. Before, you also tend to be more practical. Before, there is less of a chance that you will try and see things through rose-colored glasses (if the sex was good, I mean).Case in point. The client who I was just referring to? When I once before advised that she have this very conversation with a particular guy before coitus (because she said that she thought she saw a few red flags), she didn’t.
After everything went down, because he gave her more orgasms than she had experienced in a hot minute, here came all of the “rationalizations” about why he isn’t the best communicator and seems to only want to come to her place to “get up.” SMDH. When I asked her why she has a tendency to operate in this fashion, her exact words were, “I don’t want to put too much pressure on guys before we get involved.” Girl? GIRL.
If you’re not comfortable enough telling a man what your standards and requirements are, you shouldn’t be comfortable letting them enter into your being. A lot of people end up with their feelings super hurt and their health in a lot of jeopardy and it’s all because they didn’t make this vow to themselves. This year, please don’t be one of them.
3. I Will Not Act Like My Needs Are Being Met When They Aren’t
GiphyIf when you read this one, the first thing that came to your mind is faking orgasms, that’s fair because it’s definitely one of the things that I am referring to (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP,” “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)” and “1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That”). I don’t care how many articles and podcast talking points try and justifying doing it — faking is a form of deception, and it makes absolutely no sense to pretend that you are experiencing the peak points of pleasure during sex when you aren’t.
One way or another, it will lead to some level of resentment on your end and a sense of delusional reality when it comes to your partner. I’ve seen it transpire too much to back down on that.
However, this promise speaks to satisfaction across the board. For instance, I used to date a guy who was a horrible kisser. Just ugh. Unfortunately, I sat up and endured that mess for…a long time because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Then, when I did come up with what I thought was a more “tender” way of rectifying the situation, he got super sensitive: “You’ve been happy with it all of this time. Something else must be going on.” And y’all, that was actually a fair response on his part because if I had been acting like things were good when they weren’t — why am I just now bringing it up?
At the end of the day, needs are things that are deemed to be necessary or essential. When it comes to sex/sexual activity, please don’t be out here acting like “it’s all good” when it actually isn’t. If there is something that is necessary or essential for you to feel (holistically) good about the sex that you are having — SAY IT. It’s silly and counterproductive not to.
4. I Will Become a Student of My Own Sexuality
GiphyIf you Google what sexuality is, AI is going to probably say something like this: “Sexuality is a person's sexual, emotional, and physical feelings and attractions towards others.” That’s fair. However, when I looked up sexuality on Dictionary’s site, I liked that the first definition was one’s “sexual character” because character is about moral and ethical values. It’s also traits that help to define you and your reputation. Character also plays a role in what makes you…YOU.
And since your sexual being is a very relevant and important part of who you are, then yes, you should make the time to figure out what your own sexuality is all about. Know what else? Since you’re ever-growing and transforming, you’ve got to be willing to accept that, in some ways, your sexuality is as well.
That’s why I say that it is so important to commit to being a student of your own sexuality. When it comes to the feelings that you have about sex, where did they come from? When it comes to what attracts you to certain people, where did that begin? How do you emotionally feel about sex and the people you choose to have sex with? What is your reputation when it comes to sex — how do you know? What are some distinct character traits that you would use to define your sexuality? How has your relationship with sex changed over the years?
Albert Einstein once said, “Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death” and if you think this doesn’t apply to sex, you couldn’t be more wrong. Recent reports reveal that people over 55 still have sex at least once a week and 1 in 6 adults over 70 do as well which means that you’ve got many more years to learn about yourself as far as sex is concerned. Please be open to that.
Trust me, you are doing yourself a huge disservice by not making room to learn, shift, and transform when it comes to sex. So, this year, get into some sex journaling in this department (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). The more that you discover and document about your sexuality, the easier it will be to accept yourself and also articulate who you are, when it comes to this area and aspect of your life, to others.
5. I Will Not Mistake How Sex Makes Me Feel for What the Relationship Actually Is
GiphyThe reason why I’ve penned articles for the platform like, “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” and “Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner” is because two things that show up, chemically, during sex (especially orgasm-filled sex) is dopamine and oxytocin. Dopamine helps to make you feel good while oxytocin bonds you to the people you have sex with.
This means that even science is all up in your business when it comes to sex — and yes, since coitus tends to feel great and make you feel closer to your partners, it’s pretty easy to understand how and why you could confuse satisfying sex for a genuine long-term connection with someone.
And so, just to make sure you can “see clearly” when it comes to having sex vs. being in a relationship, when you’re in a (healthy) relationship with someone...
- You and your partner agree that you both are on the same page
- Nothing is “complicated” because you want the same things
- There is reciprocity
- There is regular and open communication
- There are clear expectations
- You both know each other’s needs and wants — and enjoy meeting them
- There are mutual and consistent displays of empathy and affection
- You are a part of each other’s worlds (people, places, things and ideas)
- Future plans are made with ease
- Instead of stress and anxiety, there is peace — mutually so
If you can’t say this about who you are having sex with, I don’t care how many orgasms he gives you, while y’all may be in something (like a situationship), you aren’t in a relationship (don’t believe me? Ask him). If you are fine with that, cool. All I’m saying is don’t try to turn sex into something that it’s not. Orgasms are a sign of sexual fulfillment. Those other 10 signs are indications that a real relationship truly exists.
6. I Will Not Sacrifice My Mental and Emotional State for Physical Pleasure
GiphyJust this morning, I sent an article to a friend of mine that featured signs that you have a good amount of self-respect. Some of the signs included not tolerating being taken for granted, not allowing emotional manipulation, and not tolerating dishonesty. I sent that to her because she is currently in a situationship where she definitely is allowing a cyclic form of disrespect (inconsistency, gaslighting, etc.) from a guy and that tends to happen when we don’t respect our own selves very much.
Know what else is interesting about ole’ boy? She says that he continues to be the best sex that she has ever had — and here’s the thing about that: when someone makes you feel great on a physical level, it can be easier than you might think to ignore how they make you feel on a mental and emotional one.
If reading what I just said triggered you on some level, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t take it lightly. I have said it before and I’m sure that I will say it a billion times more before I close my eyes for the last time on this planet, that sacrifice means to give up something good for something greater — and you should never EVER think that sacrificing mental and emotional health and stability is a smart move, so long as your sexual needs are being met.
Nor should you lie to yourself and say that if a man makes you feel good, that automatically means that he is good for you. If you’re confused, upset, crying, chasing, or drained with said guy more times than not…you are exactly who I am talking to…too.
7. I Will Choose to Sexually Evolve — Constantly
GiphyA few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go.” To this day, the married couple who are mentioned in the piece? They are struggling in the bedroom department (even after over two decades of marriage) and a big part of it is because the wife has evolved into wanting other things, sexually, while the husband refuses to accept it. It has resulted in a pretty much sexless marriage which is really nothing more than glorified roommates.
This can happen when one or two people refuse to evolve — yes, even sexually. And the sad part is when you don’t opt to grow, even in the sex department, it can prevent you from discovering and experiencing so many other things about sex, you and your partner.
So yes, as I close this out, don’t let 2025 pass you by without also putting forth the concerted effort to (safely, wisely, and purposefully) SEXUALLY EVOLVE. To sexually ADVANCE. To sexually MATURE. To sexually EMERGE. Sex is too big and vast to settle for only what you know about it and you (as it relates to sex) now. Be a student, “graduate” from some things, and evolve into other ones.
Sex can handle it. And so can you.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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