Now that we're officially in the spring season, it's time to do just a little bit of switching up when it comes to our natural hair care routine. The awesome thing about all of the tips that I'm about to share with you is they're affordable, easy and things that you can do from the comfort and convenience of your own home. Not only that but, they work for all hair types and, if you apply them consistently, they can easily earn you, at least a couple of more inches by summer.
Are you ready to learn more about what that gorgeous mane of yours needs right about now? Here are 12 things that you should do.
1. Exfoliate Your Scalp
Your scalp is the foundation of your beautiful natural hair, so you definitely need to make sure that it's straight. Not too long ago, I penned a piece about the importance of detoxing your scalp. If it's been a while since you've done that (or you've never do it before), do that instead of simply exfoliating it. But, if you do detoxify your scalp on a fairly consistent basis, take wash day as the opportunity to remove any dead skin cells, debris or build-up that your scalp may have on it, as well as to unclog your hair follicles' pores.
One way to do this is to make your own hair scalp scrub. One-fourth cup of brown sugar (it's a wonderful humectant), one-fourth cup of olive oil (it moisturizes the scalp and increases blood circulation), two tablespoons of cornmeal (its gritty texture will help to dislodge any build-up), and 3-5 drops of tea tree oil (it's a mega antibacterial and antifungal oil) will all work together to keep your scalp nice and healthy. Mix everything together, apply it to damp hair, gently massage your scalp then let the mixture sit for about five minutes and shampoo and condition like usual.
2. Try a Clarifying Shampoo
As I'm figuring out more about what works for my hair and what doesn't, I'm actually becoming less of a product junkie. But even routine go-to items can lead to build-up after about a week or so. That's just one of the reasons why it's a good idea to consider using a clarifying shampoo. It's the kind of shampoo that has the ability to remove grease, oil and other stuff like no other. Some other benefits of this kind of shampoo include the fact that it can remove hard water deposits (like chlorine), eliminate bacterial growth from your scalp, restore the pH level of your tresses, help to lock in moisture in your hair and, it's a great "prepper" if you plan on coloring your hair a lighter hue for spring.
Yeah, clarifying shampoo is pretty awesome. Just make sure that you use it, probably like every other wash (if not once a month). If you wash your hair with it more than that, it could end up stripping your hair of its natural oils which could lead to brittleness and breakage. For a list of some of the best clarifying shampoos for natural hair, click here.
3. Wash “Up and Out”
Did you know that, the washing technique that you use while shampooing your hair can play a direct role in how well (and quickly) your hair dries? If you bend your head down and then wash "up and out", it can reduce the tangling and also make your hair more manageable until it's time to wash it again. Basically, what that means is not washing your hair in a way where it pats your strands down which leads to matting on your head. Instead, encourage the roots of your hair to move away from your scalp by using your fingers to massage your roots "up" (towards your forehead) and "out" (away from your scalp). Then rinse in warm water and you'll be ready for the next step.
4. Apply a Coconut Milk and Shea Butter Deep Conditioner
Something that you should always do, no matter what time of year it is, is deep condition your hair; especially if you just used a clarifying shampoo (or one that has sulfates in it). There are plenty of deep conditioners that you can buy, but if you want to save some of your coins, how about making your own? A really deep-penetrating recipe is a conditioner that consists of coconut milk and shea butter.
Coconut milk is high in lauric acid which will help to strengthen your hair's cuticles. It's also loaded with protein (which is what your hair mostly consists of) and vitamins B, C and E. Some other cool things about coconut milk is it can help to prevent hair loss, remove dandruff and soothe dry and irritated scalp. Shea butter? It contains fatty acids, it's got anti-bacterial and anti-inflammatory properties, it's high in vitamins A and E and, it contains chemical compounds known as triterpenes; they help to produce collagen to strengthen your hair from root to tip. Another good thing about shea butter is it locks in moisture and helps to protect your hair from UV damage.
If you'd like to take a stab at making a deep conditioner at home, click here for a great recipe. Make it, immediately apply it to freshly washed hair, and leave it on for 45 minutes. Then rinse and style as usual. If you happen to have any left over and you refrigerate it, the deep conditioner should stay fresh for a couple of weeks or so.
5. Do More Air Drying
I'm actually not someone who thinks that hair dryers are the devil. Matter of fact, blowing out my hair (on low heat) every wash day has resulted in less fairy knots, tangling and the need to manipulate my hair while styling it. But, now that the temperature is starting to warm up a bit, I tend to allow my hair to air dry more and then "one pass" with my dryer when it's about 80 percent dry. Even though I rock with heat, I am well aware that I have to be extra careful so that it doesn't "fry" my hair by blowing drying it on a high heat setting while my hair is super wet. The less water that's in my locks, the less that is an issue. So yeah, air drying is one of the best things about the weather going from winter to spring.
6. Use a DIY Humectant Spray
Dry hair is one of the main reasons why a lot of us don't see the length that we would like. Something that can step in to help with that is using a humectant because it's designed to pull moisture that's in the air into our hair—and since April showers bring May flowers, this is an ideal time of the year to use one. A popular humectant ingredient is vegetable glycerin, but if you would prefer an alternative to that, check out "5 Natural Humectants That Promote Moisture & Length Retention/Not Glycerin!". If you want to take a stab at making your own humectant hair spray, popular hair vlogger Maryam Hampton can totally hook you up with her DIY Aloe vera recipe.
7. Up Your Vitamin A & C and Iron Intake
According to science, one of the main reasons why a lot of us struggle with hair retention is because we're lacking in certain nutrients, without us even knowing it. One of those is iron. In fact, reportedly, 10 million Americans are iron deficient and many of those individuals are Black women. Some other signs of iron deficiency include weakness, fatigue, headaches, brittle nails and cold hands and feet. If that is indeed the case when it comes to where you're at right now, you can always take an iron supplement; just keep in mind that, sometimes, those can lead to constipation. Another route to try is to get more iron via your diet. Pure red grape juice, lentils, dried figs and apricots, fortified cereals, chicken, red meat and molasses are all loaded with iron.
Two other deficiencies that can hinder hair growth are vitamins A and C. You can get them by taking a multi-vitamin. Or, to get more Vitamin A into your system, eat orange fruits and vegetables (like sweet potatoes, carrots and cantaloupe), spinach, broccoli, black-eyed peas and tomato juice. Citrus fruit, kale, kiwi, cauliflower, green and yellow peppers, Brussel sprouts and thyme are packed with Vitamin C.
8. Apply an “Energizing” Essential Oil
Something that can help to encourage even more hair growth is lemongrass essential oil.
Thanks to its antiseptic and microbial properties, it's a killer clarifying oil if you're looking for something to cleanse your scalp, reduce dandruff and decrease build-up. It's also the type of oil that can increase blood circulation and strengthen your hair follicles.
Something else that's cool about this particular oil is it's loaded with Vitamin C that will help to trigger collagen development so that your hair grows longer and faster. And, since it has such a stronger citrusy scent to it, adding a couple of drops to your hair (along with about a half teaspoon of sweet almond, jojoba or grapeseed oil) every other day can give you just the kind of pick-me-up that you need to stay in a good mood all day long.
9. Pull Out the Brightly-Colored Scarves
I don't know about y'all, but I am good for having a headwrap, turban or even a bandana wrapped around my head; even more so when it gets hotter outside and I want to break out my brightly colored ones. Something that I've been doing more is either making sure that my "headgear" is lined or putting on a wig cap. The reason why is because I was noticing breakage around the front of my hairline due to the friction that the fabric of my wraps was causing. By rocking a wig cap underneath, not only can that help to keep your scarf (or hat) in place, it can also absorb sweat too.
10. Apply Some Monoi Oil Too
Flowers are on their way to blooming again; one that is in season is the gardenia. Well, monoi oil is an oil that comes from soaking the petals of Tahitian gardenias into coconut oil. Skin-wise, it's bomb because it is a hypoallergenic, antibacterial and noncomedogenic oil that heals acne and soothes the effects of eczema and dermatitis. The reason why it works so well on natural hair is because it helps your locks to retain nutrients and moisture, it strengthens your hair, and it reduces split ends and frizz as well.
One way to introduce it to your hair to the oil is to try it as a pre-poo treatment. Right before you shampoo your mane, pour a small amount of the oil into your hands and massage it into your hair, especially your ends (since they are the oldest parts of your tresses). Allow the oil to penetrate your hair's cuticles for 45 minutes and then wash and condition as usual. You should notice that your hair is especially soft, even after just one application.
11. Take Your Hair Up a Hue
Spring is the season when a lot of us want to lighten our hair color up a bit. If you're totally down for doing that, but you want to avoid as much damage as possible (girl, I know the feeling!), go with a temporary hair color brand. A Black female-owned one is Mysteek Naturals. It has shades like Assertive Auburn, Twerkin Turquoise and Royal Purple. The ingredients are all natural and the results are pretty stunning. Plus, the price is affordable ($9-$20) which is always an added motivator.
12. Eat In-Season Spring Foods
It doesn't matter what you put on your hair if your system is not getting all of the vitamins and minerals that you need. Foods that are in season this spring that are good for your tresses include arugula (it's rich in vitamins A and K and is a great detoxifier); mint (it's a powerful antioxidant); strawberries (its polyphenols aid in cell renewal); spring onions (it has antibacterial and antifungal properties); collards (they are loaded with Vitamin C as well as calcium); pineapples (they boost your immune system while reducing inflammation), and peas (which contains iron, folate and an off-the-charts amount of protein). If you eat lots of those and drink a ton of infused water, your hair will be just as happy about the spring season as you (hopefully) are. Enjoy!
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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