

I felt my husband’s leg tapping underneath the table, and I calmly put my hand on top of it. The doctor on the other side of the screen had just matter-of-factly told us that the likelihood of us having a child “the natural way” was slim to none and immediately recommended IVF.
“I’m going to have a financial counselor call you as early as next week.”
The call was quick. The doctor didn’t extend any empathy or any type of emotion - but I also didn’t know what to expect. The abrupt push for IVF didn’t feel right at the moment - I did know that.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was September of 2020, a few days shy of my oldest daughter’s 11th birthday, and we were still knee-deep in COVID, so all non-life-threatening appointments were virtual.
We had been trying for a baby for a year (as most doctors will tell you, that is the length of time to try for a baby before seeking medical attention), and nothing was budging. We moved to Dallas in May of 2020, and one of the first things I did was find Black practitioners to help me along this baby-making journey.
I found a Black female OBGYN who I thought was a sound choice, but after sharing my history of ovarian cyst bursts and learning that I had two small polyps in my uterus, she proceeded to tell me:
“I don’t feel the need to remove them, but if you were to get pregnant and possibly miscarriage, then I would go in to remove them.”
I was stunned. If you know I am actively trying for a baby, and you know there is something inside of me that could potentially prohibit that from happening, why would you fix your lips to say that to me?!
Needless to say, that was the last time I ever saw that doctor, and I immediately went on a search for a new OBGYN. Little did I know that was going to be one of the many times when I had to actively advocate for myself throughout this fertility journey.
Ironically, this OBGYN recommended the fertility specialist who laid the very harsh news on me and my husband that following September. While IVF may have been our only option, I knew in my spirit that this doctor wouldn’t be the right choice to walk along this journey with. We needed someone to deliver facts as well as empathy and compassion.
I didn’t want to feel like just another number. Another line item. After processing what was said and allowing my husband and myself to have a moment, I immediately started looking for a second opinion.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Get a second opinion.
My Marriage
Witnessing my husband’s response was gut-wrenching for me. I am grateful to have a partner who has never been ashamed of expressing his feelings, but I feel as though I saw hope leave his eyes. It was a lot to take in. Not just learning that we would need medical intervention to maybe have a child of our own (because there is no guarantee with IVF), but that he had also spent the past 6 years helping me raise my daughter - a little girl he claimed but shared no genes with.
“However long you need to process. Take your time. But whatever you do, please promise me that you won’t give up. That is all I ask.”
This is what I expressed to him at the moment and continued to express leading up to our actual IVF journey.
He honored that.
Starting IVF
We ended up getting a second opinion, and it affirmed what the initial doctor had told us, but this doctor was more compassionate in her facts and her language. I felt safe in her care, and we began discussing the next steps.
This included contacting my insurance company to see what all was covered on their end and how much we would have to come out of pocket. I can’t even begin to count how many times I called to speak with a rep or put in a request to chat with them through the chat box and save the transcript to ensure I was getting told the same thing from each rep.
I learned that all of our diagnostic testing was covered:
- Sonohysterogram
- Hysteroscopy
- Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)
- Ovarian Reserve Testing
- Semen Analysis
This doctor even removed those small polyps from my uterus that the previous doctor opted not to do.
“This journey costs way too much money to have anything that we can easily remove stand in the way of progress.”
Say less, doctor, say less.
Unfortunately, that is where the grace stopped with insurance. The diagnostic testing was the only thing that was covered. To actually begin IVF, we would have to come up with $20,000 for the cycle, PLUS another $5,000 to get our embryos tested if that is what we wanted.
We did not have that type of money.
But as of January 25, 2021, none of this would matter.
I was rushed to the hospital for what I now know to be my very first IBD flare. After a four-day emergency hospital stay and a colonoscopy, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called ulcerative colitis - the most common type of inflammatory bowel disease that causes inflammation in the colon.
“I understand that you are trying for a baby, but I strongly suggest you prioritize getting into remission before starting your IVF cycle,” my gastroenterologist recommended at the time.
Although my head understood the practicality of it all, this felt like a blow to my heart and spirit. This felt like another speed bump on our journey to have a baby - on top of the infertility speed bump we still hadn’t gotten over.
But I took heed to her words and did just that. I completely changed my diet, added supplements to my daily regimen, joined the gym, and did my best to keep my stress down.
I also took this time to lean into my marriage and my baby girl, who was alive and well and getting ready to start middle school. In hindsight, it felt good to not be fixated on IVF, even if just for a moment.
The road to remission would take me the remainder of 2021 but in true “God be knowing” fashion, I would end up securing a new job this same year with insurance that would cover my entire IVF cycle PLUS meds.
Courtesy
I remember how I felt when the box of injection meds showed up on my doorstep. I anticipated the delivery but also couldn’t believe we were actually getting started. We were officially approved for our IVF cycle in January of 2022, and I was set to begin taking injections that following day.
It was a mixture of five meds that needed to be taken at the exact same time every single day for 12 weeks.
Every.
Single.
Day.
My husband and I watched the tutorials on how to mix the meds and the ideal injection site to prevent lump bruising.
I was excited but equally nervous because what if I was doing all of this to my body and we didn’t get the outcome we desired?
Courtesy
In March 2022, I had my egg retrieval, which turned into seven healthy embryos.
On May 17, 2022, I had a successful embryo transfer.
Courtesy
On days 6 and 8 post-embryo transfer, just a few days away from going back to the clinic to see if I was, in fact, pregnant, I purchased two pregnancy tests, and both of them had positive results.
Courtesy
When we did finally go back to the fertility clinic, my blood test only confirmed what the at-home tests read. We were pregnant!
We’re Expecting
This exciting news didn’t come without its own scares.
Trigger Warning:
When we were seven weeks along, one day before we were scheduled to hear the heartbeat, I experienced what I now know to be a subchorionic hemorrhage (hematoma). A subchorionic hematoma is when blood forms between a baby's amniotic sac and the uterine wall.
I was on a flight back home from a work trip, and as soon as I stood up to deplane, I felt a rush of liquid in my pants. I went to the restroom and believed I was miscarrying.
Our first appointment since our pregnancy was confirmed the next morning, and I was believing the worst, but when we put the ultrasound wand on my belly, we heard the most beautiful sound. Our baby was doing just fine.
Our doctor confirmed the hematoma and ordered pelvic rest as, unfortunately, there is no resolve for subchorionic hemorrhages. It happens in about ⅕ of pregnancies, and while they don’t cause serious health conditions for the mom, they can cause miscarriages. These are even more common in IVF pregnancies.
This same afternoon, after returning home from our appointment, my body would have another episode. I just knew this time we had lost our baby. I found an after-hours facility that provided ultrasounds by appointment, and we went to check on our baby.
Again, our baby was doing just fine, and the heartbeat was strong. As the doctor said before, pelvic rest and be patient.
Prayer Warriors + Intercessors
Outside of a select few family members and close friends, we kept this journey close to the vest.
I didn’t feel as though sharing openly would necessarily jinx our process, but I knew I wouldn’t want those who would pray for us at the drop of a dime and meant us well to be in on the intimate details.
Between these few people and Facebook Infertility Support Groups, this was our saving grace.I knew how important having a community was throughout this process, specifically amongst those walking the same path as us. To this day, I am still involved in these support groups and share insight with those moms at the beginning of their journey.
Love at First Sight
On January 26, 2023, at 7:17 a.m., our miracle child, Demi Rae, was born right on our living room floor.
Now, that wasn’t the initial plan, but I knew we wouldn’t make it to the hospital. From my water breaking to her making it earthside, she was here in a total of 15 minutes, right in her daddy’s arms.
It was perfect.
Courtesy
My original desire for delivery this second time around was to give birth at home, but my anxiety convinced me otherwise. I had a doula and found a midwifery company that walked us through our birth plan, and even though nothing went according to plan, I am grateful for my birth team.
Our doula walked us through best-case and not-so-best-case scenarios. Meaning, that if we didn’t make it to the hospital, we would be prepared to confidently and safely bring her into the world.
As I am on all fours in the living room, my husband has our doula on the phone along with the paramedics to guide us through this tender moment. But to welcome our baby girl into this world with just him and I was a level of intimacy I am so grateful for and wouldn’t have had it any other way.
We went from being told we wouldn’t have our own biological child to constantly redirecting a soon-to-be two-year-old from slapping folks every time she doesn’t get her way. Life does come at you quick.
Demi is such a happy child and brought so much energy into our home, and to see the relationship between my two girls growing every day does my heart well.
Courtesy
I never thought IVF was going to be a part of our story, but now that we are on the other side, I make it a point to share our story and hold space for other couples (especially couples of color) who are fearful of infertility diagnosis and need to see that IVF can be an option for them too. It is not ideal, I get it, but it can be a solution.
In June of 2024, in honor of Infertility Awareness Week, I hosted a panel of other women who have gone through IVF (both successfully and unsuccessfully) to share their experience and give their insight into what their life is like now as well as a Q+A with a well-known infertility doctor for community members to have direct access to a medical professional.
Courtesy
Seeing other Black women in the fertility space normalized the journey for me, and I want to be a resource for others like the women in these support groups have been for me.
Prayers to the couples who are experiencing infertility and feel saddened, angry, and lost. I get it. I truly do. But this does not have to be the end all be all.
Talk to a therapist.
Consult with your insurance company to see what is covered if you are going the IVF route.
Join support groups like Black Women TTC and Black Women and Infertility.
Schedule a consult with a fertility doctor to learn all your options (and get a second opinion).
Get a workup done to learn your health status all around.
Pray.
Stay encouraged.
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Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
One of my favorite things to do is kiss. In fact, kissing is so important to me that I once stayed with someone longer than I should’ve, in part, because he was such a good kisser (to the point where I can confirm that “kissing orgasms” are a real thing) and I also once broke up with someone because he absolutely sucked at kissing (ugh). Kissing is sexy. Kissing is sensual. Kissing is intimate.
And science says that kissing can boost endorphin levels in your body; reduce feelings that are associated with stress and anxiety; elevate your immunity; help to lessen allergy-related symptoms; soothe headaches and period cramp discomfort; make you horny (yes, literally), and even decrease your chances of getting cavities.
Yes, kissing is a good thing. A really good thing.
Oh, but as someone who is turning out to be one of my favorite philosophers (Aristotle) once said, the excess of a virtue can indeed turn into a vice — and as far as kissing is concerned, that can prove itself to be true in a way that some may have thought was nothing more than an urban myth: getting STIs (sexually transmitted infections)/STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) from doing it.
Yep, if you heard somewhere that you can get an STI/STD from puckering up, there is indeed some truth to that, so please take a moment to read more about it. That way, you can finally separate fact from fiction.
Bottom Line, Yes…You Can. However, the Risks Are Relatively Low.
Honestly, if you let it sink in that a kiss that lasts for longer than 10 seconds will result in about 80 million bacteria being exchanged, that alone should cause it to make all of the sense in the world that a kiss isn’t something that should be taken as casually as a lot of people do. And although, when it comes to STIs/STDs, it is far easier to transmit them through penetrative or oral sex, the reality is that there are some that can you get via saliva or the mucous membranes that are in your mouth (although infected saliva that is on something like a sex toy makes your chances much lower because STIs/STDs tend to “deactivate” once they are exposed to the air).
And since “low probability” doesn’t mean “absolutely not,” I think we should look into which STIs/STDs could become an issue whenever you go in for a smooch vs. the ones that you don’t really have to concern yourself with at all.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN Get from Kissing
So, here’s the deal: If you happen to have a cut in your mouth or you’ve got a cold sore, that can significantly increase your chances of being exposed to an STI/STD if your partner happens to have one. Which ones am I speaking of specifically?
- Herpes (more specifically, HSV-1)
- Syphilis
- Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
- Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
Now something that’s important to keep in mind about three out of four of these (herpes, CMV, and HPV), is that, although they are very treatable, they currently don’t have a cure. As far as the one that does have one (syphilis), it’s important that it’s discovered and treated in its early stages; otherwise, it can lead to things like weight and hair loss, infertility and, if ignored for too long, it can even become life-threatening.
I don’t know about y’all but, to me, this all sounds like valid enough reasons to be cautious when it comes to who you share your mouth with.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN’T Get from Kissing
Okay, so what STIs/STDs does science say you don’t have to worry about when you’re kissing someone?
- Chlamydia
- Gonorrhea
- Hepatitis
- Trichomoniasis
- HIV
- Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID)
The reason why is because these are all things that are spread through oral, anal, or vaginal sex acts (however, they can oftentimes be asymptomatic, so if you are sexually active, please make sure to get tested no less than once a year). That said, if you do happen to have one of these STIs/STDs, please show courtesy and respect to your partner by letting them know — even if sex isn’t currently on the table for you.
Although research does indeed say that kissing doesn’t put them at risk, they still have the right to decide if they want to move forward with intimacy, of any kind, while these health-related issues are being treated.
5 Ways to Reduce Your Chances of Getting an STI/STD from Kissing
Okay, so now that you can confidently separate what you should actually know (and take to heart) from what you may have randomly heard that couldn’t be further from the truth, if you’re curious about what you can do to decrease your chances of getting an STI/STD from kissing, I’ve got a few tips:
Take kissing seriously. Grandma said don’t put your mouth everywhere and she’s right. In a world that continually tries to gaslight us into thinking that we can (and damn near should) just do whatever with whoever without consequence, as you can see, that’s simply not true — especially when you take into account how wild it is that most of the STIs/STDs that you can get from kissing don’t have a cure.
Moral to this story: Your mouth is as valuable as every other part of your body. It is a privilege to kiss it, so please act accordingly. Oh, and don’t be afraid to ask about people’s sexual health status before letting them put their tongue all up and in your mouth. You know what they say — an ounce of prevention is always gonna be worth a pound of cure (or treatment).
Practice intentional oral hygiene. Hopefully, brushing and flossing on a daily basis are a given. What I mean here is you should look for signs of cold sores, cuts, or lesions in your mouth (including a blister that you may get from a burned tongue) on a weekly basis. If any of these are evident in you or your partner, it’s best to wait to kiss (if you haven’t BOTH recently been tested).
Y’all be careful with all of the sexy biting. Speaking of open wounds (relatively speaking, anyway), although I once read that, according to the Kama Sutra, biting lips while kissing is a sign of strong desire and sexual arousal, it can also leave cuts that could make you more vulnerable to getting sick. So, on this one, enter with caution. Straight up.
Don’t kiss when you’re feeling under the weather. Mono, colds and the flu, COVID-19, stomach viruses — these are some of the other things that you and your partner can give to one another while exchanging a kiss. Since some of the symptoms that are related to these may mimic some that come from an STI/STD, it’s best to not kiss when you are sick — not until you can confirm what you have and (preferably) the symptoms have passed.
Get tested on a regular basis. The only way that you are going to know for sure that kissing is a low-risk behavior for you and your partner is if you both get tested. If you’d prefer to do it from the comfort, convenience, and privacy of your own home, there are STI/STD tests that you can have sent to you (like the ones here, here, and here). They aren’t necessarily the cheapest in the world, yet they are pretty darn accurate and can give you the peace of mind that you seek.
____
Listen, I am Team Kissing just as much as the next person. However, whenever I stop to think about all that goes on in a mouth, I thought it was important that you become aware as well. As I said earlier, a good kiss is pretty incomparable. Let’s all just make sure that we leave kisses better and not worse off after experiencing them — literally and figuratively.
Amen? I’m sayin’.
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