

Contrary to the assumption of a lot of single people, I know quite a few married folks that have a really great sex life. Some of them even profess that it gets better with time because they are emotionally in sync with their partner and, the more they both learn what works and what doesn't, the better they get at satisfying each other. Not every once in a while. Consistently so.
Matter of fact, when it comes to a lot of the conversations that I have with married couples, if they've got a complaint about the current state of their sex life, it has nothing to do with their partner or the sex act itself; it's all about trying to figure out how to find the time to do it—or do it more often.
Sometimes life is so hectic that, once noon hits, it seems like the day is already a wrap. If you're married, and that's exactly how you've been feeling lately, I've got a list of 10 ways to easily help you to make time for more sex with your boo. Honestly, they are things that your subconscious already knows about. Just see this as a way to mentally reignite the fire and urge so that you won't wait until you have time to get it in, but that you will make time to do so. No matter what.
1. Hop into the Shower Together
Ah yes, shower sex. One of my favorite scenes from the show Insecure is when Issa tries to be sexually spontaneous with Lawrence and invites him to get into the shower with her. There wasn't enough room, the water temperature wasn't right, and everyone was slipping all over the place. That was some realism for yo ass right there. Still, I'm a firm believer that where there's a will, there's a way, and some of the benefits of shower-themed coitus is that it saves time (in the sense that you can have sex and get clean simultaneously), the extra wetness can be super sexy and, it makes period sex easier on both parties.
To pull it off, you just need to make sure that you do the following—set the water temperature before jumping in; put a non-stick mat on the floor of your tub and have a bathmat right outside of your tub too (so that nobody falls), and review some sex positions that are both comfortable and hazard-free (check out "10 Sex Positions That Will Make You Actually Enjoy Shower Sex"). If you do all of this, having sex in the shower is a great way to get a little lovin' in if you and yours are truly pressed for time.
2. Wake Up 30 Minutes Earlier. Or Go to Bed 30 Minutes Later.
If you're an engaged person who's reading this, one thing that I recommend you discuss with your soon-to-be spouse is who's a morning person and who's a night owl. While it might not seem like a big deal to you now, there are many married couples who aren't getting as much sex as they would like, all because their partner wants to sleep—and have sex—at a different time than they do.
A big key to having a successful marriage is compromise. That said, another way to make more sex happen is for the night owl to wake up 30 minutes earlier or the morning person to go to bed 30 minutes later. If you happen to be the night owl and morning sex isn't necessarily your thing, check out "Here's How To Make Morning Sex...Sexier". Something tells me that it just might change your mind.
3. Take a “Lunch Break” at Your House
A lot of people in my world happen to work from home; they also share their lives with someone who does the same. Something that they tell me is a real perk to having their partner within earshot all day long is they're able to stop for "sex breaks" whenever they want. That got me to thinking that another way to make sex happen when you don't have all of the time in the world is to schedule a lunch break when you and your man can meet up at home and well, you know.
Maybe it's just me, but there's something really hot about meeting up in the middle of the day; especially if you've got kids and they're at school because that means that you can "engage" all over the house while being just as loud as you wanna be.
If you can manage to make it a late lunch, that's even better since research reveals that the best time to get some is approximately around 3pm. Don't ask me which time zone. They didn't exactly address that part. But really, so long as you're getting some, does it matter?
4. Save Your Favorite Television Show—for Later
I'm old enough to remember when VCRs were all the rage. I was also a freshman in college when we all got mass access to the world wide web (wow, right?). Technology has come a long way from when I was a little one. One of the benefits of that is the fact that there really is no such thing as missing a television show anymore. Whatever it is, you can see again on On Demand, Hulu or an app. So, whatever show that is your guilty pleasure (because we all have one; sometimes I can't avoid 90 Day Fiancé no matter how much I try), be intentional about watching it later. Then use that 30 minutes—or better yet, an hour—to spend some much-needed quality time with your spouse. That program ain't goin' anywhere. It'll be waiting on you, soon as you're…done.
5. Go a Week Without Social Media (at Home)
If you want to know whether or not you are addicted to social media, check out some of the stats from "44 Social Media Addiction Statistics Everyone Must Know". If you'd like the Cliff Notes, some of the signs is that you freak out whenever Instagram or Twitter isn't working, you lose sleep or don't complete tasks because you're constantly distracted by what's on line and, your sex life is continually on the decline.
There are a few reasons why social media can wreak havoc on your sex life. It distracts you. It connects you with people that you quite possibly don't need to reconnect with (like your exes). The images that you are constantly bombarded with can do a real number on your body image and self-esteem. It can keep you from engaging with people who are in "the real world" because you are always "plugged in".
Not too long ago, I penned a piece on here entitled "Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight." Some of my clients have done this before; they say it's one of the best things that has ever happened to their sex life as well as their relationship overall. If a part of you is down to try it, but you're also wondering when in the world you would find the time to make it happen, I've got an idea—how about you go on a social media fast during those same 30 days? If the mere thought of that has you going into cold sweats, that's another sign that you could probably use it. And by "it", I mean the fast and the sex, because something is up if you get off more on your Facebook and LinkedIn than you do your spouse. Just sayin'.
6. Multitask in the Kitchen
Kitchen sex is bomb too. Sitting on the counter makes "things" more, uh, accessible. The fridge and pantry are right at your disposal. Spatulas, dish towels and water sprayers can become the ultimate kind of sex toys. Need I go on? Although, if you've got kids, this might be something that you should only consider when they're at grandma's, if you don't have any children, the kitchen can quickly turn into one of the most erotic rooms in your entire house. This is especially the case if you get the urge to eat while you're cooking which, to me, is the ultimate form of multitasking. Oh, and I'm not talking about eating food either. #wink
7. Turn All Electronics Off by a Certain Time
If your television wasn't in your bedroom. If your laptop wasn't your "man on the side". If you actually set your smartphone on silent or—gasp!—charged it in another room at night, I bet you'd have more time for sex than you thought you did. I say it often because it can't be said enough—I totally agree with interior decorators when they say that bedrooms should be used for sex and sleep only. If you refuse to purge your room of your electronics, at least commit to turning them off by a certain time a few days a week. If you're wondering what you should do with all of that extra time and attention that you just freed up, kindly refer to the title of this article—again.
8. Get a Babysitter. Then a Hotel Room.
You know what they say—we don't always have time. Sometimes, what we've got to do is make time. If you can't remember the last time that you and yours went on a date, there's no time like the present to hire a babysitter (or ask a friend to have your child over for an impromptu sleepover) so that you can go on one. Dinner is cool. But how about turning your date into a sex date by going to a hotel (one that has room service) instead of out to a restaurant? Yes, chile. I don't know one single person on this entire planet who doesn't find hotel sex to be a Top Five favorite.
If you're totally down, but money is a little tight, I've got a few hacks for you to try. For starters, if you find a deal on sites like Expedia or Hotels, remember that they charge commission fees. Once you see a rate that suits your budget, call the hotel directly and see if they will honor it if you book via them directly (more times than not, they will). Speaking of booking directly, another way to get some cool rates is to download the app of the hotel where you want to go. As far as the cheapest days to get a room, apparently it's on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays. But if you book on one of those days, life happens, and you need to cancel a non-refundable reservation, you can try to resell your room on sites like RoomerTravel or Cancelon. Now how about getting that room?
9. Don’t Run from a Quickie
You might've read somewhere that it takes a man, on average, around five minutes to orgasm while it takes a woman somewhere between 13-25 minutes (foreplay included). What this proves is simultaneous orgasms are about mastering the art of timing more than anything else. What this also reveals is most of us are more than capable of climaxing in under 15 minutes which some would qualify as being a quickie.
Listen, I'll be the first one to say that while R&B songs are leaning towards the unrealistic when they talk about having sex all night long (ALL night long?!), the art of the seduction and the techniques involved with unrushed foreplay are bar none. Still, there is something that can be equally as satisfying about having a quickie while brushing your teeth in the morning or finishing up your nighttime routine before turning in.
The spontaneity of it, along with the I've-just-got-to-have-you-ness of it all, makes a quickie something that should never be underestimated or overlooked. Especially when you're really pressed for time.
10. Plan for It
The reason why we've published articles on the site like "Is Scheduled Sex Really Better Than No Sex At All?" before is because we get that as steamy, seductive and even romantic spontaneous sex may be, sometimes life schedules and demands make it difficult to have the kind of sex that you and your spouse truly desire. While the remedy to that may be to simply put it on your calendars, be honest—isn't it better to plan for sex than to look up and realize that it's been weeks since you've had any at all? It's a rhetorical question, but I'm pretty sure we can all agree on the answer.
Ain't nothin' wrong with scheduling sex, y'all. It means that you're making intimate time a priority and that's something to be proud of. Making time for sex with your spouse always is—and should be.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex
What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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