
Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?

Time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel like they've got something real
But you and me we know we've got nothin' but time
And time won't give me time
C'mon on self-professed music experts. What y'all know about that Culture Club, tho? As I sat down to pen this piece, their song "Time (Clock of the Heart)" automatically popped up in my head and kept playing, on repeat. I get why too. I mean, just re-read the hook. Virtually all of us have been in a relationship where, at the end of the day, the only thing we knew for sure about the situation is that we were spending valuable and precious time. Lots and lots of time. So much time, in fact, that it caused us to wonder if we were investing time or wasting it.
If there's one thing that none of us can ever (ever, ever, ever) get back, it's time. And so, as someone who honestly spent more years of my life wasting time in basically fruitless relationships than I've got the time to write on and you've got the time to read about, I want to do all that I can to make sure that you don't make the same mistakes I did.
If you're currently in a relationship with someone and something is tugging at your heart (or brain) to inquire about whether or not you're wasting your time, check out the following five points and then decide (and by "decide," I mean determine if you are and then prepare to make some major adjustments ASAP, OK?).
Compare Where Your Relationship Is Now with Where It Was a Year Ago
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I've got a lil' love sister (you know, a sis that's connected by love, not blood) who's been with her boyfriend for like 7-8 years now. When things started off, he was courting her pretty strong—taking her out, coming by her grandma's to do things around the house (I even remember him cutting down a Christmas tree for them a couple of times), and being intentional about getting to know her family members and close friends. When I met him, I flat-out asked what his intentions were and he said "marriage."
Now? She's the one always going over to his place, he barely speaks to her family, and a few of her friends have met someone and gotten married in the amount of time she's been dating ole' boy. Hmph. 22 (the age she was when they started) and 29 (the age she is now) are very different, time-wise. Plus, when I ask her if she still wants to get married, these days, it's less of a priority. What all of this boils down to is their relationship isn't making progress. It's doing the very opposite of that.
There are 365 days in a year and 24 hours in each day. That is a lot of time for two people to get to the next level in their relationship…if they really want to. If you've been with your man for a year or more, you look back and you honestly don't see much of a difference between this time last year and this very moment, how do you feel about that? Just sayin'.
Forget What He's Saying. What Is He DOING?
If you are a Words of Affirmation person like I am, please—for the sake of all that's beautiful and sacred about you—take heed to what I'm about to say. When you're someone who is moved by words, sometimes you forget to require action to follow what is being said. So long as someone tells you how they feel about you, you're not always or necessarily looking for them to execute their sentiments.
When that's the case, it doesn't take long for certain types of guys (charmers, commitment-phobes, etc.) to catch on to the fact that so long as they are verbally-engaging, they don't have to actually do much. Meanwhile, a man who's "bout it bout it" is gonna say what he means and mean what he says. Even better, he's gonna say less and do more.
An immediate example that comes to mind is a male friend of mine who just told me over the holidays that, after dating his girl for a few years, it's past time to propose to her. When I asked him when he planned on doing it, he said, "Oh, I'm taking her overseas this year. I'm gonna do it then." I just found out he booked their flights last week.
Words. Then action. Back to back. As it should be.
What Are You Doing More of—Bragging About or Defending Your Relationship?
Another thing that can keep you from totally wasting your time in a relationship is having your male friends offer up their insight on what they see in your situation. I say that because sometimes, we as women view things as we want them to be rather than as they actually are. Guys? If they see a red flag, they're not gonna call it pink. They're gonna say it's bright, blood red.
Here's a personal experience example. There's a guy I was once seeing and about 75 percent of my male friends were basically like, "I mean, he's cool but you're a good woman. What is that dude doin'?" As I was trying to come up with every excuse (that I thought was a reason at the time) in the book—he's had a hard childhood, his first love devastated him, he's always on the road, he needs a little more time—my male friends were looking at me like, "Girl, if you don't move on somewhere." Literally.
Who ever finds stagnation to be something to brag about? If your relationship is moving forward, if your man is doing things to show you that he wants you in his future in a very significant way, you'll probably find yourself bragging about him (and your relationship) quite a bit. If he's doing the complete opposite, you'll probably end up like I was—defending him and your situation more than anything. Yeah, that's not good.
Is Your Relationship in a "Line" or a "Web"?
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A few days ago, I read a quote about the internet. A man by the name of David Foster Wallace simply said, "It is named the 'Web' for good reason." Hmph again. Have you ever watched how an insect acts when they first get caught into a web? They are moving around…A LOT. But 1) they aren't getting anywhere and 2) it's only entangling them more into the web.
I once told a guy years ago that if he didn't leave the crazy chick he was seeing alone, he was gonna find himself caught up in a web that he wouldn't be able to get out of. She's so off the chain that I'm gonna leave the details out, but let's just say that, since then, they've created at least four Lifetime movie scripts together. SMDH.
Even if you and your man aren't on any crazy train, a sign of a truly healthy and productive relationship is the fact that you both will be moving in a line, a line that points forward. There won't be a ton of crooked straights or even cul-de-sacs. You both will be in agreement about where you want your relationship to go and you'll be both taking steps to get there—together.
No ultimatums, nagging, or manipulation from you needed.
Remember, True Love Is ALWAYS About Making Progress
I dig word definitions and quotes. They both help me to keep things in their proper perspective. As far as the definition of progress, what I like so much about it is there is no grey area—either you're making progress or you ain't.
Progress: a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage; advancement in general; growth or development; continuous improvement
Take a moment and assess your relationship.
What goals have the two of you made—and reached?
What are some examples of how you're moving up, together and as individuals, as a result of your relationship?
How are you advancing—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—in part, by being involved with this brotha?
How has the relationship grown and developed over the past six months or so?
How have things improved?
Someone who truly loves you will show it by valuing and honoring your time as well as their own. If you can't honestly say that progress is continually being made, mutually so, it's time to confront the situation head-on. Ask him the questions I just asked you and accept the reality of the answers.
You know the old proverb—it's later than you think. It really is.
Love yourself enough to not allow a man to waste any of your precious time. Amen? Bet.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Once upon a time, I knew a married couple who told me that they wouldn’t even discuss with each other who they found to be attractive on television because, in their minds, that was a form of cheating. They’re divorced now, and although there are a series of reasons why, it was always strange to me that things were so restrictive within their relationship that they couldn’t even share a fleeting thought about how someone looked.
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
Whenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
As I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
It’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
During the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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