How To Tell Your Partner Your Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met
If you're a diehard Girlfriends fan, you probably remember the episode when Joan had sex with her boyfriend Sean for the first time. Although she wasn't all that thrilled about him being a sex addict, what she didn't see coming was that he was going to totally suck—and not in the good way—in bed. Ugh. He ended up being one of those bang-bang-bang brothas and while luckily, those have been far and few between experiences for me personally, unfortunately I can recall what that kind of selfish, immature and egomaniacal sex is like. It's the worst…the absolute worst.
Anyway, a part of what made Girlfriends such a great sitcom is the writing was so much like real life. And believe you me, there have been countless conversations that I've had with people who love—or at least really like—their partner, but when it comes to loving (or even really liking) the sex…they can think about at least two dozen other things that they'd rather be doing. That's sad. Tragic, even.
Personally, I think that good sex consists of great communication. That's why, when someone is sexually dissatisfied, I don't encourage or support faking orgasms (more on that in a bit), only venting to their friends and/or quietly resenting their partner (or cheating). Sex is too good to not be out here enjoying it to the fullest, but there is a better way to go about getting what you want (and need). If you are sexually dissatisfied, here's how I advise handling the matter.
Do It Outside of the Bedroom
They say that timing is everything. You know what else is pretty important? Environment. Oh, and implementing the Golden Rule while you're in it. When it comes to having a sexually dissatisfied chat, think how you would feel if, while you were in the bed, giving your all to your partner, he paused, looked at you, sighed and then said, "Yeeeah, I'm not really feeling this. I haven't been for a while now." Talk about embarrassment. Talk about slight trauma. Talk about either being "afraid" to have sex with him again or not wanting to be in a relationship with him, period.
Does this mean that I'm encouraging you to grin and bear bad sex?? Absolutely not. But it is important to avoid having the convo in the very spot where all of the magic happens. Instead, do it on neutral territory like the living room or kitchen. Or even better, while taking a walk together outside of the home. That way, the conversation won't have to be associated with any area where the two of you regularly hang out—or are intimate.
Speak in Specifics
"Bad in bed". What does that even mean? I mean, we all get that bad is, well, bad, but what makes it that way for you? Is he a selfish lover? Is he a minute man? Is he a bang-bang-bang kind of dude? I'll tell you what, if there's one thing that constantly comes up in my sessions with couples, it's that a lot of women want their man to read their mind and a lot of men want their women to be specific when it comes to what it is that they are trying to say.
That's why, it's also a good idea that, before you embark on having this kind of conversation, that you spend some time alone so that you can figure out exactly what it is that you are so displeased with. He can't read your mind. He also can't change what you don't clearly (and lovingly) articulate.
Avoid Making Comparisons
Mama told us to think before we speak; I've got a great example of why we should take her advice. The first time I had sex with a particular partner, right when he pulled his pants down, my initial response was, "That's it?!" Le sigh. I didn't say it in my head either. He heard me. I didn't mean for him too…it's just that—peep this—in comparison to some of my other partners, let's just say that he wasn't what I was accustomed to.
That's kind of my point. As you're in the middle of processing how sexually dissatisfied you are with your partner, be honest about what it's really all about. Is it based on what he's not doing, or is it that he's not doing what ole' boy from before used to do? You've got to always keep in mind that, even when it comes to sex, no two partners or experiences are exactly alike. If you're not mentally and emotionally processing this fact, it might not be that your partner isn't holdin' it down. It actually may be that you are still caught up in your ex (or a few of your exes).
By the way, that guy that I just mentioned? It's some of the best sex I've ever had. Sometimes the best things don't come in the biggest packages. Words to live by.
Avoid Any Passive Aggressive Behavior Too
When it comes to addressing issues, I'm definitely more aggressive than passive aggressive. That's probably why passive aggressive people get on my last nerve. How can you know if you are a passive aggressive type of person? If you make backhanded compliments ("I mean, you were much better tonight than you usually are."). If you use sarcasm to get a point across ("Oh, I'm the one who needs to be more spontaneous? Yeah, that sounds about right."). If you say nothing after sex but, instead, give your partner the silent treatment and then roll over and go to sleep. Or worse, when your partner asks you if anything is wrong, you shrug and say "nothing" when, clearly, it's something. Another example of being passive aggressive is when you downplay your needs and say something along the lines of, "I know this is probably going to sound petty but…" Hmph, now that I think about it, a cryptic form of being passive aggressive is faking orgasms. You're acting like you're satisfied when you're not. And if you do that often, it's only going to lead to resentment.
From what I've read, a past history of childhood abuse, harsh punishment or neglect, or even low self-esteem can be what causes someone to deal with others in a passive aggressive kind of way. Problem is, it's a really ineffective and counterproductive form of communication because it requires others to have to try and read between the lines or play mind games with you.
Good sex is all about healthy communication. If you want your sex life to get better, being passive aggressive is not what's going to get you there.
Be What You Desire
One time, while sitting in a session with a couple, the husband brought up that although fellatio is important to him—like really, really important to him—he was getting irritated because his wife was pretty bad at it. While he was in the midst of breaking down the particulars—her not acting enthused, teeth getting in the way, rushing, etc.—I noticed that his wife was hemming and hawing and rolling her eyes. When I asked her if she was irritated, embarrassed or both, she blurted out, "Maybe if you went down on me every once in a while, a sistah could get more excited about giving you some head." I mean and I'm sayin'.
I have sat in enough sessions with couples to definitely vouch for the fact that some folks are sexually dissatisfied because, contrary to what their ego may be telling them, they aren't exactly doing what makes their partner climb the walls either. One of the main reasons why is due to their own selfishness—wanting to receive what they are not willing to give.
Do you deserve earth-shattering sex? Most definitely. But you are significantly decreasing your chances of experiencing it if you are wanting your partner to do or be what you are not willing to do—or be.
Don’t Harp on It
One more. There are all kinds of ways to have performance anxiety. One way is in the bedroom, and sometimes this happens when a partner is stressed out or anxious. Something that can get your partner there is nagging. I'm not kidding. I actually read an article on a licensed therapist's site that stated that nagging does more damage to a marriage than infidelity or financial challenges. It also said that the ones who are prone to nag are anxious or obsessive types. Who wants to have sex with a jittery person or control freak?!
Rome wasn't built in a day. For many of us, great sex isn't either.
Besides, this ain't a sex scene from your favorite chick flick; this is the real world. If you're diggin' him, there's chemistry and the relationship is going well in every other room of the house, don't assume that things are totally doomed just because you are currently sexually dissatisfied. Sometimes, a part of the fun of sex is figuring things out together. Be patient. Be open. Be creative. Give things a little (more) time. If he values you, he's going to want to please you. He's definitely not gonna wanna leave you out here all…sexually dissatisfied. NOT. AT. ALL.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Tubi has been gaining popularity due to its free sign-up and a vast selection of series and films. According to Deadline, the FAST (free ad-streaming television) service has seen a 14.7% growth from May and now has similar numbers to Disney+. So while many people have joked about Tubi having low-budget movies, the numbers don't lie.
In fact, I was one of those people who didn't get the appeal of Tubi, but the more I watched it, the more I enjoyed the content. They have some of our favorite TV series, such as Scandal and Star, as well as big films like the Fast and Furious franchise and cult classic Love & Basketball.
Tubi even has its own original movies and series that are just as entertaining. But while Tubi is on the come up, some of the low-budget movies and hood movies are still a must-watch. From Tubi originals to the hood movies, we've put together a list of shows and movies to add to your watchlist.
Cinnamon
Cinnamon is an original Tubi movie that stars Hailey Kilgore (Juke from Power Book III: Raising Kanan), Damon Wayans, and Pam Grier. It's a love story gone awry after a robbery turns deadly, and a young couple faces many challenges to make it out alive.
The Dirty D
The Dirty D is one of the first things I watched on Tubi, as many people highly recommended it. It's a series set in a Detroit club, and it has all the drama you can think of. Murder, drug dealing, cheating, greed, and more.
Black Men Don't Cheat
In this film, a young woman grapples with the death of her husband while also discovering his secret life, which puts her in danger.
Mother May I
This movie fully captivates the overbearing mother. However, the ending will shock you as she goes a little too far.
The Stepdaughter
When a young girl moves in with her dad and his new wife, a series of unfortunate events occurs. This Tubi original will keep your attention with every turn.
These Men For Everybody
These Men For Everybody is a film that highlights the tangled web of friendships and relationships and how you can't trust anybody.
Best Friend
What happens when your best friend is obsessed with you? This movie, which stars Serayah and Marques Houston, answers this very question and takes us on a ride in the process.
What's Done After Dark
What's Done After Dark shows us that everything isn't always what it seems. The twist at the end is a real doozy.
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