Goodness. Life used to be so simple (annoying but still simple) back when all we had to really worry about was some dude possibly ghosting us. Now it seems like not one week goes by when there isn't a new cray-cray dating trend that's gone viral.
Well, out of all of the ones that I've researched (or a single woman has talked to me about), there are seven that have made me exclaim — and yes, I'm yelling this — ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Just as a heads up, unfortunately, these are the kinds of trends that you typically won't pick up on until after it happens to you. By then, you're already pissed with a touch of jaded.
As an act of service, what I'm going to try to do is not only define what they are, but provide a red flag that you should look out for beforehand so that you don't have to fall victim to any of this total and utter foolishness.
Haunting.
Something that I oftentimes say is, "If it's God, you'll run into your ex at Kroger. If it's you, you'll look them up on Facebook." Haunting kind of co-signs on this point. It's when you and someone connect — on and offline — go out, end things but they're still trying to engage you on social media.
What sucks about this is they attempt to do it in a very passive-aggressive kind of way — liking your photos but not commenting on them. Checking out all of your IG stories but never calling or texting. It's "haunting" because if you're still emotionally-attached in any kind of way, you can really get a read on whether or not they are too.
How to Avoid This: There's no cardinal rule that says that just because you know someone that you have to be social media connected to them. If you're like most people, a lot of details of your life are shared online, so before you accept someone's request to follow you, think about if you'd want to stay connected even if you were to stop dating each other. If you're not sure, wait until you are.
Breadcrumbing.
I can't remember where I heard it, but the author of this quote deserves the offering plate passed to them a couple of times— "The problem with accepting the crumbs of a man is you're always left hungry." A breadcrumber is someone who gives just enough to keep you hanging on but not enough to establish anything lasting or even really real. It's emotional manipulation at its finest.
This is something that narcissists like to do because it's more about feeding their ego than meeting your needs. And a narcissist? You need to run from them at all costs!
How to Avoid This: Be clear about what your wants and needs are before going on your first date. If you make it to Date #3, state some of them. If there is no effort being made into meeting some of them, that's your first clue that he's probably a breadcrumber and that he probably doesn't see you as more than a…duck.
Curving.
Ugh. Another word for curving is "evil". Only, it's in a subtle kind of way. It's kind of akin to ghosting, only it takes a lot longer to catch on to what's going on. You text and he takes two days to respond. While on a call, he mentions getting together soon but a week later, no concrete plans are made. This cycle continues to happen and it drives you crazy because you can't really tell if they are into you — or not.
How to Avoid This: When you have your first couple of conversations, explain that you're big on communication. That poor communication is kind of a deal-breaker for you. If he wants you in his life, he'll take note. If he's on the fence, his communication will be lukewarm, which is sending the message that he's "iffy" about you. I'm pretty sure you can take it from there.
Mosting.
Doing the absolute most. We've all said that phrase about someone before. Well, as far as dating goes, when someone is "mosting" you, it means that they're dishing out PLENTY of compliments in the attempts to convince you that they are oh so into you.
What's wrong with that? Nothin'. Other than the fact that they don't mean half of what they're saying and/or they're saying the same thing to five other chicks too.
How to Avoid This: Let's go to the Good Book on this one: "He who speaks flattery to his friends, even the eyes of his children will fail." (Job 17:5 NKJV) I have an ex who once said something to me that was like 10 sermons in one sentence— "Your problem is you receive confirmations like they are revelations."
His point? Never be so grateful for what a man thinks of you that you overlook signs that are pointing to him sneaking around, not being honest or simply playing around with your heart.
Trust me, if you've got a strong sense of self-worth, you'll pick up on "most-ers" quicker than most.
Freckling.
You might be thinking that I'm making this one up, but we can thank our Caucasian brothers and sisters for this one. The best way to explain it is, it's our version of "cuffing season". Just like a lot of white people get freckles by spending too much time in the summer sun, only to have the freckles fade by fall, freckling is a hot-n-heavy fling that comes with an expiration date — and a return date. That's right, just like freckles come and go, so do those who partake in freckling.
How to Avoid This: If you ask someone what their dating history is (on the first or second date), you can get a feel for if they are commitment-phobes or not. If they are (and you want something serious and lasting), already file them as "not the one for me". That way, it'll be difficult for them to boo-up with you for three months at a time…every six months or so. And if they do, you'll already know not to let them be a repeat offender.
Gatsbying.
Just when you thought you heard it all, right? On the surface, this one probably doesn't make much sense. But if you're a fan of the book or movie The Great Gatsby, you know that the character Jay was the king of overkill when it came to trying to impress the object of his affection. The modern-day twist of this would probably be The Bachelor (kinda). Fantasy dates that cause you to think you're falling in love with a person when really what you're in love with is the high-class ambiance.
Hmph, there's even a digital version of this where someone has a crush on you and try to make you want them by making their IG look like they are independently-wealthy travelers who want to insert you into their life.
How to Avoid This: I'm not gonna knock an over-the-top date. But try and balance those out with more simplified ones like picnics or hanging out in a coffee shop. That gives you a chance to see if he's got substance behind his finance, presentation, and social media shots.
Stashing.
STASHING IS THE WORST. The absolute worst. If you're currently seeing someone who constantly calls, texts and takes you out (and it's been this way for a few months now), but when you ask them about their friends and family, they change the subject and/or when you hop onto their social media pages, there's not an ounce of evidence that they are seeing someone — in fact, they seem to represent the epitome of singleness — this is called "stashing".
What they're actually doing is compartmentalizing you. Sure, you are a part of their life, but they are intentional about keeping you from the rest of it. Why? Usually, it's either because they don't plan on things going to another level OR they are seeing others on the side. Or both.
How to Avoid This: After a month or so of dating and chatting, suggest inviting some of your friends and their friends to meet each other. Present it as casual; like it's no biggie. If they give you push back, inquire why. First, it'll give you insight into if they even want to make you a part of their world and two, it will let you know what you should do about it.
Life's too short to be stashed away somewhere. Or to settle for any of these dating trends. Choose wisely, y'all.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
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xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
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Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023