2023 is in full motion, which means we’re gearing up to walk into our greatest season yet. While New Year’s resolutions can look different for everyone, every woman needs a trusty journal to write her dream into a reality.
Journals secure our goals, document our lives, and keep our to-do lists in check. And while studies show that on average, one-third of resolutions don’t make it past the end of January, that won’t be our story. Because we’ve tapped the expertise of Jasmin Foster, founder of the inclusive stationery and gifts brand, Be Rooted for insight on how to utilize journals and planners to crush our goals all year long.
Courtesy of Jasmin Foster
When Jasmin launched her brand in 2020 as a passion project, it was the first time she wasn't chasing someone else’s dreams; instead, she began to prioritize her own. Jasmin established her brand with the belief that Black women deserve to feel seen and represented across covers and within the pages of their journals. It is both a reflection of our stories and an affirmation to be rooted in ourselves, our culture, and our desires. “I want women to be able to see our products and not feel like they had to make a choice,” Jasmin tells xoNecole.
Since launching, Be Rooted has made history by becoming the first Black-owned stationery brand to be sold at Target and continues to inspire Black women to explore their inner muse and celebrate themselves. “I want our customers to know that there’s a brand out there that believes in them and wants them to succeed,” she says. “We are just one of the tools in their toolbox that allows them to increase their productivity and to achieve their dreams.”
For xoNecole, Jasmin drops gems on best journaling practices, how to make measurable goals, how a chance encounter with Issa Rae taught her the importance of being specific while manifesting our dreams, and more.
On the importance of representation through design:
Choosing journals that reflect one’s personality and identity is a key part of the journal selection process. Here, Jasmin shares her intentions behind selecting designs that make Black women feel seen. “We wanted to have products that people could carry with them in their everyday life that were reflective of them and encouraged them throughout the day. There weren't a lot of brands, especially national brands, that were putting Black artwork on the covers in the stationery space. Having artwork that was more inclusively designed and reflective of our community was something that really hadn't been tapped into in a large way.”
Courtesy of Jasmin Foster
Jasmin adds, “As we create every single design, we’re taking into account who we’re trying to talk to, how we're embodying her vibe, and taking into account different skin tones, body types, and hair textures. People are coming to our brand to either find a reflection of themselves or a reflection of someone in their life that they're looking to connect with; and if it's not the artwork, they're looking at the words.”
On her Number #1 tip for getting started in your journaling practice:
Jasmin explains, “Journaling doesn't have to be something that you need to sit down every day and be like, ‘Dear Diary...’, it should be for when you're ready to sit down, write those honest truths, and recap your day. I'm never going to be the person that is going to push that you have to write every single day because that may not be everybody’s authentic truth. However, if you are someone who is looking to make it a daily habit, as a goal of yourself, I would say there are some amazing journal prompts that you can leverage as a starting tool. Some examples that I think are important are, ‘What am I grateful for the day?’ and ‘One thing I was proud of is…’ Using these journal prompts is a great way to get started,” she shares.
On being specific about your dreams:
Jasmin shares how a chance encounter with actress and producer, Issa Rae, revealed the importance of making your goals as gradual as possible. “While at Essence Festival this year, we were running into all these amazing celebrities, and I thought, ‘What if by the end of the week, I could finally meet Issa Rae?’ I didn’t want to meet her as a fan, I wanted to meet her while we were eating dinner or something where I could have a conversation. I went to dinner an hour later and guess who walks into the restaurant? Issa Rae. And she gets the table across from me. I realized I have to be a little bit more specific with my dreams because I meant to tell God that I wanted her to sit at the table with me,” she says laughingly. “Be very intentional with what you ask for.”
Courtesy of Jasmin Foster
On how to make your dreams measurable:
“Be very clear about what you want. I think in the vision board space, we focus on collecting pretty pictures. But we should also take the time to write a couple of action steps to start marching towards that goal. Think of what the pathway is to get there. Another kind of gut check that I've been doing for myself is, as I'm writing down goals, putting timeframes around them. If every goal is something I can complete in the next six months, I'm not dreaming big enough.”
On giving yourself permission to dream beyond the surface-level:
“Because I'm moving so fast at building a business, I often don't take the time I should to reflect on all the amazing things that are actually happening in my life. One prompt that I use at the beginning of the year is, 'My dream is…' and then build upon it. For many of us, our dreams can be very surface because we need to feel like we’re able to actually achieve them. So for me, it's important to write, 'My dream is…' and then push it beyond that and take it up another level.”
On how journals and planners can help create structure and routine in one’s life:
While some people may look to journals as a means to file away tasks, they can also be a great tool for organizing our life. Jasmin shares how she creates structure through daily planning. “I live by my planner. With my busy schedule, I have to write everything down that needs to get done. One thing I love about planners is that it gives you a structured space to prioritize everything. Oftentimes, we use our notebooks to create to-do lists that are 25 items deep, but when you prioritize the top five things that you’re going to do for today, it becomes way more achievable. I leverage those tools to help increase my productivity on a daily basis.”
Courtesy of Jasmin Foster
On what journaling has taught her about herself over the years:
Jasmin shares how getting your thoughts out on paper can help you get honest about your dreams. “Journaling has allowed me to be honest when I'm ready. I oftentimes find that I will stay in the ruminating phase of dealing with my thoughts/ideas in my head until I'm ready to write them down and put them on paper; and at that point, it becomes real for me. A lot of people are trying to figure out how to take their ideas and then turn them into reality, and journaling did that for me.
"The moment I put my thoughts on paper, I have to be honest with whatever goes onto that paper. You can tell yourself different lies or ignore your beliefs and thoughts when they're in your head, but when you write them down, that makes it real.”
On the affirmation she’s taking into the new year:
Simply put, “I'm that girl.” Jasmin says, “I've always played small and been comfortable being behind the scenes while figuring out how I can elevate and uplift those around me. I still want to do all of those things, but I'm stepping into the season of, ‘I'm that girl.’ I'm not going to play small. I'm not going to diminish myself. I'm going to fully embody the person that I'm trying to become, and y'all are gonna see that.”
“I think a lot of us need to own that we are ‘that girl’ in whatever space that looks like. We all need to stand tall and own the greatness and power that we have,” she adds.
Be Rooted is available for purchase at berootedco.com, Amazon.com, Target.com and Target Stores Nationwide.
Featured image courtesy of Jasmin Foster
As again, I watched her try and navigate through both relationships as she strived to figure out which man would truly be the best fit for her, I thought about a question that I get emailed on a semi-regular basis. When you’ve been with someone for a while, when you have deep and profound feelings for them, and when you’re not sure if you’re just being “extra” or something really is “off” in the relational dynamic — how do you know if it’s time to stay vs. when it’s time to go?
Before we get all up into this, let me just say that I’m addressing this particular topic from the angle of NOT being married. Because I personally think that the covenant of marriage is way more sacred and serious than a dating situation, I would be giving some different advice for husbands and wives. Also, I’m not including the topic of abuse (neglect included) because I’m hoping it goes without saying that if any type or level of that is transpiring, you definitely need to bring things to a swift and permanent end.
With all of that out of the way, today, we’re going to explore seven questions that you should ask yourself in the instance that you just can’t seem to “scratch the itch” on whether you should remain with your bae…because while nothing is actually “bad,” things are not as good as they used to be either. And since time is precious and you don’t want to waste it, you want to make sure that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.
Are you ready to (hopefully) gain more clarity than you had before clicking on this article? Let’s do this.
1. Do I Get That Even Relationships Have “Seasons”?
GiphyEcclesiastes 3 starts out talking about the fact that there are times and seasons for everything. And you know what? Relationships are not exempt. The reason why I’ve written articles for the site like “The ‘Seasons Of Sex’ That Married People Go Through” is because everything in this life has seasons — you know, periods when things shift. When it comes to the weather, whether we like the season that we’re in or not, we simply adjust because…what choice do we have?
Oh, but when it comes to relationships, so many of us have been conditioned to think that things are supposed to remain one way (usually the way we want it to be), without fluctuating, the entire time, that when there is a season of distance, disconnect or misunderstanding, we automatically believe it’s our cue to bounce instead of taking some time to process if it’s simply a period for communicating, maturing and learning more about our partner.
Listen, there is no way that people can grow without it affecting those around them, especially the ones whom they are closest to. So, before you decide to end things with your significant other, talk to them about what’s going on so that both of you can figure out if you’re going through an unfamiliar or uncomfortable season or if things are transitioning in a way where the relational dynamic no longer serves one or both of you.
Because I’ll tell you what — the people who have mastered longevity in relationships know that just like the weather, sometimes there are things that you have to learn to be flexible about…because even if you’re not thrilled with how certain things are at the moment, just like the weather, oftentimes, those things will change. Just like summer isn’t forever and fall comes in due time.
Plus, if you’re someone who can adapt well, there are pros and cons with different seasons, too. For instance, if this is a season when your partner is working more hours or traveling more than usual, if the goal is to get promoted or stack bread, the extra time that you have for yourself could help you to create some more long-term or short-term goals, pick up a hobby or do some self-work. Then, by the time things level back out, you’ll both be better people because of the “season.” See what I mean?
2. Did I Go into This with Unrealistic or Unfair Expectations?
GiphyI’m gonna tell you, right out the gate, what an unrealistic or unfair expectation is: If you thought that things were always gonna go your way or you were gonna get what you want right when you want it. I can’t tell you how many people have pretty much worn me out in counseling sessions, and it’s all because they thought a relationship was a catering service — that them being happy all of the time was to be the top priority and non-negotiable goal.
WRONG.
Something that wisdom, maturing, and self-reflection will teach you is that one of the main purposes of a relationship is to be with someone you love, respect, enjoy, trust, and can rely on to help you become a better person as you do the same for them. And no, that is not always going to be a fairy tale. In fact, I have said on many occasions that I loathe fairy tales (for adults) because I know what they mean: a story told to children and/or an incredible and misleading account. And don’t even get me started on the women who profess that they are waiting on their Prince Charming. After all, the Bible tells us that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Does this mean that you shouldn’t expect to have your needs — and even some of your wants — met? Of course, you should. Yet your needs need to make (reachable) sense. And honestly, a lot of folks could stand to ask themselves if they are able to give their partner all of the things that they expect from them (because many cannot).
So, what are some examples of unrealistic/unfair expectations?
- Expecting your partner to think just like you do
- Expecting your partner to read your mind
- Expecting love to mean that you won’t have to compromise
- Expecting your partner to give above their means
- Expecting your partner to be the sole source of your happiness
- Expecting your partner to love you more or better than you love yourself
- Expecting your partner to put their own needs in jeopardy just to meet yours
- Expecting your partner to always agree with or concede to you
- Expecting your relationship to always have good times and no challenges
- Expecting your partner to be the only one to make sacrifices
- Expecting every expectation to be met
I really was on a roll while writing these out, yet I’m sure you get the gist. Being in a relationship with another human being means that they have their own opinions, perspectives, and expectations — and they aren’t always going to match yours. And so, if you think that the sign of a healthy relationship is that they should, you really should be alone instead of trying to be with someone else. Because that way of thinking is the most unrealistic of them all.
3. Are We Incompatible or Am I Just Impatient?
GiphyWhen you get a chance, please read, “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.” In another article, I’ll be addressing why love is not enough in relationships. For now, one of the reasons why that is the case is because you can LOVE a lot of people who you simply cannot DO LIFE with. That’s why it really is important to seriously ponder if you and he are compatible or not.
To be compatible means that you share similar values, have like-minded relational goals, want the same long-term things out of life, have at least some of the same interests, and complement each other well when it comes to things like communication and meeting each other’s needs.
Listen, I’ve loved a few men in my life where these boxes did not check off, and because of our feelings for each other, we stayed together far longer than we ever should’ve.
At the same time, what if you are compatible with someone, but you’re just impatient as hell? I’ve been watching the current season ofReady to Love, and there are some women on there who are mad pushy when it comes to the clock. Personally, I don’t even know how you can hop on a show where you just met some dudes and roll up on them talking about how you want to be married by the end of the year. Yeah, it’s another message for another time, the amount of people who are tied to a goal more than a person.
Anyway, sometimes your partner can be in the same chapter as you (love story-wise) yet still not necessarily on the same page. Meaning, say that you want to be married this year, and he wants to wait until this time next year — are you contemplating ending things without considering his frame of mind? Maybe he wants to save money. Maybe he’s trying to secure some things professionally first. Maybe he wants to give you the kind of wedding (and ring) you want without relying on credit to get it.
It's one thing to end a relationship because you both want different things out of life. Oh, but it’s completely different to bounce because you’re used to folks giving into your pressure, ultimatum, or time frames. I’m not the one who thinks that a good man is hard to come by; I know many. I do think finding YOUR FIT isn’t as easy as you might believe, though.
A Canadian writer by the name of Janette Oke once said, “Impatience can cause wise people to do foolish things,” and, to that, the Good Book says that “Loveis patient” (I Corinthians 13:4). If you’re gonna end something, make sure it’s because the puzzle pieces don’t fit; not because you’re too impatient to see how the pieces will create a beautiful picture…when the time is right.
4. Do I Still Love, Like and Respect Him?
GiphyThe married couples whom I work with know that I live by a certain, I guess you can call it a motto: “If you still like each other, you can get back to love.” Liking someone is about enjoying their personality, wanting to spend time with them, and having feelings that are rooted in friendship, acceptance, and appreciation. When those things are present and accounted for, all of the butterflies, googly eyes, and sheer lust that the feelings of love may provide — they can usually get you through the seasons when those feelings seem to be missing.
And respect? Listen, a lot of women get triggered by the fact that the Bible instructs husbands to love their wives while telling wives to respect — respect, not love — their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), yet you know what? If you’re gonna be real with yourself, you know that it’s hard to love a man who you don’t respect — who you don’t esteem. We’re simply not wired to trust a man who we don’t think will be a good provider, protector, and leader on some level.
Confession time: I stayed in a relationship with someone who I really liked, kind of loved, and absolutely did not respect (as a man) for quite some time, once upon a time. And all it did was make me resentful and him insecure — and that was a form of mental and emotional torture for both of us.
You’re not doing a man any favors by staying with him if you don’t respect him. And it doesn’t make sense to try and build a future with someone who you don’t like a ton. As far as love goes, love is a beautiful thing — very. All I’m saying is, like, love and respect are a package deal when it comes to how we see a man. If one of those things is missing, ask yourself why and then be honest about if anything can be done to change how you’re feeling or…not.
5. What Would Improve About My Life If I Leave?
GiphyThis right here. Although this article is for people who are dating and not married, I do think it would be beneficial to put on record that, on average, somewhere between 30-40 percent of people regret getting a divorce. I think one of the main reasons is because the person you were when going into a marriage isn’t the person you are leaving it. You’re older. Dating dynamics in society have changed (and are ever-changing). You probably have a different set of life circumstances that may make dating more challenging (for instance, you may have kids now, and it takes a very special person to be a good potential stepparent).
Unfortunately, a lot of people will leave a relationship without considering this, only to have the ice-cold water of reality hit them smack dab in the face.
Now listen, I will be the first person to say that one of the major perks of dating is you don’t have to try and put the same effort into your relationship as married folks do. In fact, all of these non-engaged folks who spend months and years in couples therapy to try and make things work? Unless you’re someone who is in a long-term relationship with no desire to ever get married (check out “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”), I don’t even get why you’re going through all of the trouble (or is it drama?). Some people have acted married before marriage so often, they don’t take marriage seriously enough when it finally does happen for them. SMDH.
This is where this particular question comes in. When you’re just dating, you really don’t have to hold on for dear life. You’re not “failing” if you realize that someone really is awesome — just not the right or best fit for you. And the reason why you know this is because you can actually name more than three ways that your life would get better if you left them alone.
Maybe you’d feel less stressed out. Maybe you’d have more time to focus on some personal ambitions. Maybe you’re compromising some core values that you want to get back to. Maybe they have you questioning some things about yourself that you know you shouldn’t be. Sometimes it’s as simple as maybe you’re feeling like something/one is better for you, and you know you won’t find them while you’re still…where you’re at.
This particular question really is underrated on a lot of levels because, while a lot of people are out here ending relationships on an emotional impulse, when you know that you’re leaving because you have a literal list of how your life would improve if you did dip out, that makes grieving the relationship less painful and finding closure, on some levels, less necessary (as far as dragging things out are concerned).
6. What Would Be Beneficial If I Stay?
GiphyIf something (or one) isn’t making you better, it’s either keeping you stagnant or making you worse, and you know what? Neither of those are good. So yeah, it’s also wise to ask yourself how you would benefit — mind, body, and spirit — to stay where you’re at. And honestly, one of the best ways to figure out the answer to this question is to fully take in a relationship-based quote that I have shared on the platform before:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
When something (or someone) benefits you, they are helpful, they are useful, they are constructive. No, this does not speak to transactional dating (which is oftentimes very self-centered and mercenary); what this means is they are improving your quality of life — prayerfully, on several levels. And no, this does not mean that everything is easy all of the time, either.
Sometimes, what helps you is constructive criticism. Sometimes what’s useful for you is being challenged in ways you’ve never been before. Sometimes what’s constructive is learning how to be more flexible, understanding, and forgiving (umm, like you would want your partner to be towards you…right?).
So, just like you should ask yourself how you would get better if you left, be real about how you are becoming better by staying. This is where a good old-fashioned pros and cons list comes in super handy. If the “improve” outweighs the “beneficial,” if you know that you are not becoming more of who you need to be thanks, in part, to the influence of the relationship…well…I’m sure you get what I’m about to say…about that.
7. Have I Been Here Before?
GiphyA wise person once said, “Everywhere you go, there you are” and boy, can it be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Something else that I’m a firm believer in is that the universe will keep you in the same “life class” for decades if needed, until you learn whatever it is that a particular lesson is trying to teach you. So, one more question: Before you decide to call it quits, how many times have you been in this same spot — the same kind of relationship? The same type of guy? The same kind of issues? The same type of break-up?
Because there is absolutely no point in abruptly chalking it up to, “It was all his fault…again,” just so you can find another man to say this about in another six months or a year. If you’ve been here before, take some time out to do some serious self-pondering as to why.
__________
Every action has a reaction; I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard that saying at least once before — and when it comes to ending a relationship, it is most definitely true. If you’re wondering if you should, honestly, that’s already a feeling that is trying to tell you something. However, now that you’ve read all of this, hopefully, you can take some actions that you will feel at peace about…and won’t regret.
Because if you’re gonna end something, it’s a good idea to know why, so you can feel truly at peace about doing it — and yes, I’m speaking from very up close and personal experience here. Get your internal answers. Move wisely from there, sis.
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Featured image by Lyndon Stratford/Getty Images
