Definitely one of my favorite writers is the famed poet Rumi, and one of my favorite things that he has ever said is, “What you seek is seeking you.” To me, it complements another quote by the best-selling author Paulo Coelho extremely well: “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Okay, but what happens if what you are thinking that you might want has something to do with a close guy friend of yours? Even deeper, what if you’re not exactly sure that what you are feeling is fleeting or lasting?
Last fall, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.” — and honestly, it emphasizes the fact that there is enough data out here to support that the best relationships have a foundation of friendship in them. And that is why, I’m the kind of person who thinks that if you think you might have more-than-just-a-friend feelings for a guy in your life, rather than ignore what’s going on, you should face it.
How? We’re about to tackle that very point, as thoroughly as possible, right now.
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Move
First: Were Things EVER Actually “Platonic”?
GiphyListen, if anyone has a wealth of male friends, I do. And that’s why I will forever-and-a-day push back on anyone who says that men and women can’t be just friends. LIES YOU TELL. Not only is it possible, I highly recommend it, because the opposite sex can provide insights and perspectives on things in a way that your own gender simply can’t.
Now, can a ton of men and women be strictly platonic friends? Yeah, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The reason why I say that is because, just like folks oftentimes use the word “monogamous” when they actually should be saying “exclusive” (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), the same thing goes for calling every relationship that isn’t romantic “platonic.”
Platonic literally means “being, relating to, or involving the kind of love that characterizes a friendship; free of sexual desire or romantic overtones” and what this means is, if you are truly in a platonic friendship with someone, neither one of you is sexually attracted to each other on any level — and well, like a male friend of mine once said when I told him that I described us as being “brother and sister” to some people…“Shellie, you are like my sister but you aren’t. Given the circumstances, you could still get it.” (Chile.)
YES, he said that and ALSO, we have been friends for almost 20 years without so much as a kiss being exchanged between us. Do I think that he finds me sexually appealing? Sure. Me? I’ll put it this way: I get why other women do (personally, I find him to be more beautiful than sexy). And yet, what we value in one another is so much stuff beyond the physical and/or sexual. And this example alone is why, while I don’t think that most friendships between men and women are purely platonic in the sense that neither person has some level of sexual attraction or interest in the other (check out “Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'”), I absolutely believe that men and women can put that aside and be friends, without benefits, anyway.
That said, though, as you’re in the middle of processing whether or not you have more-than-friends feelings for a guy friend of your own, it would benefit you to ask yourself if the two of you are truly and genuinely platonic or not — because if you are platonic, the emotions that you are experiencing could be more about admiration or appreciation instead of actual relational interest. On the other hand, if you do have a bit of an interest or curiosity beyond what the two of you currently share, there could be some seeds that you — or you both — have been suppressing that need to be addressed…perhaps even explored.
Which brings me to my next point…
Next: Know the Difference Between Attractive Qualities and Being Attracted to Someone
GiphySomething that I find to be extremely appealing in a man is charisma. A guy who is confident, calm and very self-aware? Whew, chile. And don’t let him have an east coast edge to him (my mother was a New Yorker, so…it’s in the genes). One of my close guy friends totally fits this bill and it’s a part of the reason why I enjoy being in his presence. And because we like hanging out together and our friendship has a sense of ease to it, folks like to speculate about if we have “more” going on. We absolutely do not.
See, although he does charisma better than most — and it gets him pretty damn far with the ladies — there is not one ounce of me who sees him in a romantic or sexual kind of way. If anything, I see his charisma as something to put on my wish list for a man…and not much more than that.
And why am I sharing this lil’ story with you? Well, while you’re in the process of figuring out if your guy friend are or aren’t platonic, you should also ask yourself if what you are drawn to about him is attractive overall or it is causing you to be literally attracted to him as an individual. How can you know the difference? Well, aside from what I said about my charismatic guy friend, if you are attracted to someone, there is going to be physical and sexual interest. See, while I enjoy talking to my friend for hours on end, the thought of actually sleeping with him? Ugh. This means that I find some traits attractive but there is no attraction to him.
See the difference?
Don’t Put the “Cart” Before the Horse
GiphyI honestly can’t believe that it’s been seven years since I wrote “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners” for the platform. If you haven’t read it (yet), one thing that was a constant thread for me is the fact that I had sex with my friends — and so clearly, they weren’t platonic situations (well, except for one of my boyfriends; that’s another message for another time).
See, the pattern with those guys was, since I don’t typically have sex quickly (there were some exceptions like my first love; it only took a few weeks for us to "engage" although it seemed like forever at the time), they would get tired of waiting which would cause us to cultivate a friendship in the meantime. Problem was, since there was a mutual sexual interest, once an emotional connection was made, sometimes that would ignite the suppressed lust and BOOM! Then we would be in unnecessarily complicated situations all because, although the emotional and sexual intimacy were real, we never discussed what to do about it should we cross the line before actually doing so — and that resulted in matters becoming confusing, draining, stress-filled or even messy. SMDH.
And that is why, I really hope that you hear me when I say that you should ABSOLUTELY NOT sleep with your friend before knowing for sure what your feelings are and what you desire to come from them. Because although sex doesn’t always turn matters into a Lifetime or Tubi movie, what it will always do is change things…one way or another. And once you have sex, it can’t be undone.
Yeah, one more time for the backseats and the hard-headed: Take it from someone who learned the hard way, PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT SEX WILL CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING FOR CLARITY ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT HAVING POTENTIAL FEELINGS FOR A GUY FRIEND. More times than not, it will either leave a residue that you can’t easily clear up or it will have you seeing things through rose-colored glasses — and that could result in delusional thinking or heartbreak.
Because a lot of people can sleep with you and still never want to be with you. Don’t test that theory out. Just take my word on it, okay?
How To Talk About It Without Ruining The Friendship
If He’s Your Friend, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT
GiphyCan having feelings (or even potential feelings) for a guy friend be awkward? Sure. I get that. I will say this, though — if he is truly your friend, you should be able to talk to him about pretty much anything. Because remember, the title of this article is what to do if you kinda-sorta have feelings. Meaning, it’s not like you’re planning to profess your undying love or you want to marry him before the holidays roll around.
You simply think that you might feel differently about him than the other men in your friendship circle and you are curious what he thinks about it — because real talk about something else: Sometimes knowing how a guy friend feels about you having (potential) feelings for him will let you know whether to feed into the feelings…or not.
And before some of you say, “Shellie, I would rather ask my girlfriends or even other male friends about what they think instead” — I mean, I hear you; however, they aren’t him and so all they can really do is speculate and, if you’re anything like I am, you want to find resolve over going by mere assumptions as soon as possible…and that comes from going directly to the source.
Again, you don’t have to say anything super deep or over-the-top. The conversation with your friend is basically a low-key fact-finding mission to see if both of you could possibly be on the same page of a different chapter of your journey with each other — or not. A simple, “Have you ever seen us as being more than friends before?” (in person, so that you can pay close attention to his body language) may be all that you need to say in order to get the answers that you truly seek.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if all of this will infect your friendship — it shouldn’t. I’ve had a few male friends who’ve had feelings for me over the years and told me. I’ve also had feelings for one or two of mine in the past as well and I told them about it. Really, at the end of the day, we decided that the friendship meant more than taking the risk of trying something else/more out. Plus, us liking each other was actually a huge compliment more than anything. Why? Because we know each other beyond the surface stuff that comes with typical crushes.
We simply took the interest as a seasonal feeling and moved on. Our friendship meant too much, to the both of us, to let it hinder us from remaining…intact.
And that’s kind of my point about this point — if you think you have feelings for a guy friend and you tell him, if he’s a mature individual, the intimacy within the honesty could end up bringing you closer together (simply because sharing all of who you are in a safe space tends to do that). On the other hand, if it puts distance between the two of you (due to how either of you choose to act afterwards), that could reveal some cracks in the foundation of your friendship that should be addressed anyway (and may have existed all along).
Bottom line, unless it’s something as surface and shallow as a random sex dream or him looking good enough to eat in a tailored suit one time — keeping your feelings to yourself about a real and true friend will typically backfire, one way or another…if not immediately, eventually. And besides, there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. If he’s good enough to be your friend, no harm or foul in finding him to be good enough to be more-than-just-a-friend too. Relax. Relate. Release.
____
By the way, the advice that I just gave you? Trust me, it’s based on mere speculation. I’ve given the gist of this intel to clients and some of them have been in long-term relationships with a guy who used to be “just their friend” for a hot minute now.
You know, there is a Scripture in the Bible that says, “…you do not have because you do not ask.” (James 4:2). How are you gonna know how your male friend feels about how you feel if you don’t say anything?
If you want to get out of the kinda-sorta and into “very sure” — communicate.
Knowing where you stand is always a good thing. No matter what.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
That’s why, over the years, I’ve been intentional about figuring out ways to get more agua into my body without feeling like it’s a chore or something to dread. And now, I want to pass some of those hacks on to you, just in case you happen to totally relate to where I am coming from.
If something that you want to do more of right through here is get extra H2O into your system, here are 10 tips that can absolutely help to make that possible.
Unsplash
1. Invest in a Fun Water Bottle
There’s a far greater chance that you are going to drink water if you have a water bottle around you. So, cop yourself a cute one — one that will help you to stay motivated. A tumbler that I purchased some time back, just because I thought it was cute as hell, simply says, “Make Better Coochie Decisions” (amen?-LOL). Honestly, that doesn’t just have to apply to sex but how you treat your vagina overall — and that includes making sure that “she” has all of the fluids that she needs.
2. Try Some Sparkling Water or Mineral Water
At this point, I should take stock in Waterloo. It currently is my favorite kind of sparkling water and it has definitely made getting more water into my system easier to do. That’s because I will add some limes to it or a bit of fruit juice to it and that makes drinking water less “meh” for me. Another type of water that has bubbles in it is sparkling mineral water; it can also be beneficial since it contains magnesium, potassium and calcium.
Unsplash
3. Go Halfsies with Your Other Drinks of Choice
Speaking of making some all-natural soda (which is basically what happens when you add juice to sparkling water or sparkling mineral water), you can find yourself drinking more water while consuming less calories if you fill up your glass with half of your favorite fruit juice and half of some sparkling water. More times than not, the juice doesn’t even taste watered down. Try it before you doubt me.
4. Collect Some Infused Water Recipes
I’m forever gonna be a fan of infused water; that’s because it’s water that has fresh fruits and/or veggies in them — and it doesn’t get any healthier than that. Plus, infused water tends to take on the taste of whatever fruits or vegetables that you put into the water (if you let the stuff soak for a couple of hours), so that the water doesn’t taste so boring and bland. Wanna try a few recipes? You can check out some here and here.
Unsplash
5. Make Slushies Instead of Smoothies
Are you someone who enjoys consuming smoothies? Well, if you want to get more water into your system, how about going with a slushie instead? Although it is true that some smoothies have water as a base, the most bomb ones use milk (or a milk alternative) or yogurt. Slushies, on the other hand, typically go with crushed ice (which is frozen water) instead. That said, some (pardon the pun) cool slushy recipes can be found here, here and here.
6. Use Water As Your “Drink Chaser”
Another great thing about water is it can help to keep you from overeating; it does that by causing you to feel full if you drink it while you are eating. And speaking of calorie-counting, if you don’t want to give up your favorite drink at mealtime, one way to keep from downing 2-3 glasses of it at a time is to use water as your “chaser.” What I mean by that is, after enjoying a glass of your favorite beverage, “chase it down” with a glass of water. That should satisfy your want for what you want without overdoing it.
Unsplash
7. Eat Foods That Are High in Water Content
Another way to get more water into your body is to eat foods that have a ton of water in them. Some that top the list include lettuce (96 percent); cucumber (95 percent); zucchini (95 percent); celery (95 percent); strawberries (91 percent); cantaloupe (90 percent), and peaches (89 percent).
8. Have a Ball with Your Ice Cubes
Ice cubes are frozen water, right? That’s why most of us prefer to enjoy our drinks before the ice cubes melt because melted cubes water down whatever it is that we are consuming. And so, for this very reason, add more ice cubes to your drinks — and have fun making them. You can add juice, fruit and/or mint leaves while making your cubes. That way, they are aesthetically-pleasing; plus, they will also add more flavor to your water once the ice cubes actually melt.
Unsplash
9. Add Some Non-Alcohol Cordial to Your Water
If you’re fine with just having a tad of taste in your water, why not add a bit of cordial to it? Cordial is simply a type of tonic, syrup or sweetener (that can contain alcohol or not) that can help to make your water more…interesting. Some alcohol-based cordials can be found here. Some non-alcoholic recipes are located here.
10. Technically, Herbal Tea Counts
Tea is always gonna be my thing. That’s why I’ve penned articles on it for the site like “10 Different Ways Herbal Teas Can Fit Into Your Beauty Regimen”, “10 'Uncommon' Teas You Should Add To Your Stash (& Why)” and “I've Got 10 Teas That Will Help You To Age (Even More) Gracefully” And y’all, if you want to get a lot more water into your system yet a tall glass of water only isn’t your — pardon the pun — cup of tea, make some iced herbal tea instead.
It’s basically water with some herbs tossed in and, if you add some honey or raw organic coconut palm sugar to it, it will be a really sweet treat that will still be extremely hydrating (and very healthy) for you.
Water that is a bit more exciting for you…now. LOL.
Drink up!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Unsplash