In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between married couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
For Carjie and Kerwin Scott, "Make Me Better" by Fabolous comes to mind. We all know those lyrics, "I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together." This sentiment speaks truth for how Carjie and Kerwin have been there for each other since the year 2012. One night at an Alpha Phi Alpha BBQ on campus, these two locked eyes in a crowded room.
While neither Carjie nor Kerwin wanted to attend the BBQ in the first place, they had no idea that they would meet their future partner/best friend that in layman's terms would "make them better". Carjie wasn't looking for anything at the time but was open to the handsome guy she waved to, who later walked her to her car. After Carjie and her now-husband Kerwin exchanged numbers, they naturally spent every day together after that.
Eight years of marriage and two beautiful children later, Dr. Carjie and Dr. Kerwin Scott realized that they complement each other in the best ways when it comes to love. Kerwin mentions, "I wanted us to support each other enough where we can still reach the goals we had before we even met." Even in marriage, Carjie and Kerwin worked hard to turn their individual dreams into reality.
They trusted each other where they may have been able to handle things on their own, but they provided that support for one another to make it to the top. Carjie and Kerwin understood the value that each other brought to the table and used their love for each other to take them to higher levels and new heights.
In this installment of "Our First Year", xoNecole was able to sit down with Carjie and Kerwin to talk more about building a life together, taking risks, and believing in each other to reach their full potential.
Courtesy of Dr. Carjie Scott
How We Met
Kerwin: One of my frat brothers was having a BBQ. I was playing cards and I saw Carjie and her friend walk in. I thought to myself, 'Man, she looks good.' I was trying to see if she was there with somebody. So I was looking at her and she waved at me. It made me nervous, so I gave her a head nod (laughs). I told myself that before she leaves I would approach her and talk to her. When she was leaving, I walked up to her and asked her if I could walk her to her car. We talked a little. I was honest with her about what I wanted to do in my life and what I was looking for at the time. She reciprocated and we exchanged numbers.
Carjie: My friend had just crossed Delta and she invited me to the Alpha BBQ. I didn't want to go at first because I'm not in a sorority, but I went to support my friend. So I was sitting on the couch and I saw him looking at me. I waved at him and he didn't wave back at me. I thought to myself, 'Fine whatever. I'm trying to be nice and he doesn't want to speak back. I didn't even want to be here in the first place, so I'm ready to go.' [laughs] My friend and I are walking out and that's when Kerwin walks up saying that he would walk me to my car.
First Impressions
Carjie: I thought he was a handsome guy. He had on his glasses and looked like he was smart. When we finally talked and he told me everything that he wanted to do in his life, I found myself wanting to learn more. I wasn't really expecting anything. So even if we didn't get together, I thought we could at least be good friends.
Kerwin: I thought she was different. Honestly, when I walked her to her car, I noticed her big blue truck. At the time, I was looking for someone that was different. Someone that could take me outside of my comfort zone. That's what intrigued me and made me want to get to know her more. The way she carried herself, how she wasn't like the other girls I was used to, and that big blue truck.
Courtesy fo Dr. Carjie Scott
"I thought she was different. At the time, I was looking for someone that was different. Someone that could take me outside of my comfort zone. That's what intrigued me and made me want to get to know her more."
The One
Carjie: I can be a tough nut to crack. I love that he has earned my trust and that he is patient with me. Together, we have become this purpose-led couple who inspires others to be successful in areas that you usually do not see black people in. More than anything else, he brings out the best in me. I couldn't picture my life without him. It's as simple as that.
Kerwin: When we first started dating, I liked that she had been through a lot in her life and she was willing to share that with me. That's important to me because if you are able to be upfront about things, it helps build trust. It showed me that she was at least committed to seeing how things could go with us. From the conversations that we had, I knew that I had to be better personally. When you're single, you can do certain things and there aren't huge consequences. When you add someone into your life, there comes that new level of responsibility. So with her, I felt that she was it and there wouldn't be anyone better.
Biggest Fears
Carjie: I didn't have any fears. I saw how I could bring value into his life and we started off as really good friends. I thought he was a super cool guy and thought that if it went there, I already trusted him. I knew he wouldn't betray me or do anything to intentionally hurt me. Don't get me wrong, no relationship is perfect. We do get on each other's nerves and stuff. But with him, I wouldn't say I was fearful. Any fears that I may have had, I would cast them to God because that has always been my foundation.
Kerwin: I felt like now that I told her all this stuff about what I wanted to do, I had to make it happen. I was fearful with the thought of, 'Could I get there?' The last thing I wanted to do was bring her into a relationship and the respect for me is lost. But I think in the end, pushing myself and her allowing me to fall, helped me combat that fear. She reassured me that we are going to get to where we needed to be and I'm so appreciative of that.
Courtesy of Dr. Carjie Scott
"Together, we have become this purpose-led couple who inspires others to be successful in areas that you usually do not see black people in. More than anything else, he brings out the best in me. I couldn't picture my life without him. It's as simple as that."
Early Challenges
Carjie: I consider myself a big risk-taker. Kerwin and I have been through situations that probably would have broken other marriages. When we met, we went from 0-180 miles per hour. When we got married, I was three months pregnant. We bought a house three months after we got married and a year after that we left that house so that Kerwin could attend medical school out of state. When we left that house, we moved into a tiny apartment in Tennessee where Kerwin's program was. It was just a lot of adjustments we had to work through. Sometimes things can affect your marriage where you may grow resentment towards each other. But we grew and continued to lean on each other nevertheless. We just figured it out together and it allowed us to overcome a lot of challenges.
Kerwin: During that time, things were moving so fast for us. There were times where I would leave in the morning and I wouldn't see her until the next morning. Whether I never came home from school or she was busy with her job or her degree. We didn't have time to argue about the small stuff. We had to learn how to put the small stuff on the back burner until we could deal with it. I feel like that helped keep things stable at the time.
"Sometimes things can affect your marriage where you may grow resentment towards each other. But we grew and continued to lean on each other nevertheless. We just figured it out together and it allowed us to overcome a lot of challenges."
Love Lessons
Kerwin: The biggest lesson I've learned is that you have to be cautious and guard your relationship. Everyone does not have the best intentions and it can really be harmful to your relationship giving the outside world complete access to it. Being mindful of that protects you from a lot of negativity.
Carjie: The biggest lesson for me is to trust the process and appreciate what you have right now. To try not to move so fast so you do not miss the blessing that is right in front of you.
For more about Carjie and Kerwin, follow them on social media and check out their daughter Channing's business here.
Featured image courtesy of Dr. Carjie and Dr. Kerwin Scott
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
Courtesy
With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
Courtesy
For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy