This Couple Says That Your Relationship Should Make You Feel Closer To God
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
I desire to be loved wholly and intensely by a man who makes me feel closer to God. Whew, chile. Y'all didn't hear me. Let me run it back for you.
I'm talking about the kind of love that runs so deep that a man gets on his knees and prays over me every day. I want a love so patient that I know that it was divinely ordained by God every time he speaks life over me. The kind of love I'm describing is one that Trade Street Jam Co. owner, Ashley Marie and her husband, Don Rouse have been cultivating for 12 years.
The Brooklyn-based couple, who will welcome their first child in July, recently sat down with xoNecole to give us a glimpse into the first year of their modern-day love story, and according to them, it has been nothing short of an act of God. Ashley explained, "God told me he was the one so long before he proposed. I knew early on that we'd be the ones to break the cycle of divorce that our families were so accustomed to."
In our chat, Ashley and Don got real about faith, fears, finances, and how to find balance when you and your partner speak different love languages.
Here's what we learned:
The One:
Ashley: All I know is, our chemistry was so great. I fell in love with Don the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once. We argued a lot in the beginning (mainly I argued because I'm an only child and I was used to getting my way). But I could never deny how good we were together any other time. Our values really did align perfectly, from schoolwork to family to finances, goals and dreams, I just knew that he made me feel really good inside. And he was so patient with me. I'd never met anyone like that before.
Don: It took me longer to realize Ashley was the one. We actually broke up because I wasn't sure where I wanted to take the relationship. During that period of separation, I learned my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was tough for me as it reminded me of my brother who died from cancer and I couldn't imagine going through this situation again. My dad decided to explore Cancer Treatment Center for his situation and they do a great job of adding faith into the treatment plan. One of their methods is having you engage in activities that made you think about your spirituality. One of these activities was making tranquility beads.
So I am literally sitting with my baby sister and the instructor is telling us to add beads for people we love in our life, people who help us be better people, and people who you are willing to go through fire with. Ashley was the first person that came to my mind. That is when I realized I had f*cked up. I had to swallow my pride and make this right. Luckily she was willing.
Deepest Fears
Ashley: We differ here. I didn't have any fears...honestly!
Don: What fears? (laughs) I was scared about everything. Money, kids and a new chapter of life. When I took a step back, those fears were self-inflicted and came from the wrong perspective. When I changed my perspective on marriage and our union, it changed how I approached the next phase in our relationship.
"I was scared about everything. Money, kids and a new chapter of life. When I took a step back, those fears were self-inflicted and came from the wrong perspective. When I changed my perspective on marriage and our union, it changed how I approached the next phase in our relationship."
Baggage Claim
Ashley: I wouldn't say Don had much "baggage". Again, we were so young when we met. He did have a girl that he used to date that wouldn't really accept that they were over for a while, but she had nothing on me. I did have to unlearn some of my (what I later learned were) selfish habits. Again, I'm an only child––I've only ever had to look out for me. That kinda hit me hard over the years, having to admit that I was being selfish in some ways and learning how not to always think about myself first before others. But like I said, Don was always so patient with me, so he sat back and let me figure it out over the years while always supporting me along the way.
Don: I was used to being self-sufficient and had pride in never needing anything from anyone. However, that isn't going to work in a relationship or marriage. I had to learn to collaborate with my wife versus just solving problems/situations on my own. It is still something I have to work on almost daily.
Love Languages
Ash: I'm still learning how Don gives and receives love. I have to remind myself all the time that he won't show love like I will; he'll show it in much deeper, more meaningful ways than always outwardly expressing it to the world. But man, does he show it. Once you can understand that about your partner, you can grow so much deeper in love.
Don: Our love languages are different but there are some overlaps. I had to learn that I have to intentionally work on making sure I give her what she needs from me. And sometimes, that varies day-to-day.
"I'm still learning how Don gives and receives love. I have to remind myself all the time that he won't show love like I will; he'll show it in much deeper, more meaningful ways than always outwardly expressing it to the world. But man, does he show it. Once you can understand that about your partner, you can grow so much deeper in love."
Important Lessons
Ashley: Marriage really is like a job, one that you can never retire from. But, it can be a really beautiful job that you enjoy wholeheartedly; one that you can't wait to go to and work harder at because you know that the harder you work, the greater the reward. Also, putting God at the forefront will keep us on track forever.
Don: Marriage requires work but a lot of the work is self-reflection. Being able to understand you can't change someone but you can change what you do and how you respond to certain things. Too many times we put the blame on someone else without ever considering our role in a situation.
"Marriage really is like a job, one that you can never retire from. But, it can be a really beautiful job that you enjoy wholeheartedly; one that you can't wait to go to and work harder at because you know that the harder you work, the greater the reward. Also, putting God at the forefront will keep us on track forever."
Overcoming Challenges
Ashley: Don will probably say he mostly worried about being able to support us as a family. I didn't really struggle very much. Women are built for this––we have such maternal instincts to run a household. We had stayed together quite often before actually moving in, so they're weren't many habits that surprised me. He's always been really good at keeping his space pretty clean!
Don: I was worried about finances but we actually figured that out pretty easily. Once we got a good system, finances became less of a concern.
Best Advice
Ashley: Keep other people out of your relationship! Especially family (laughs).
Don: Make sure you increase your date nights and quality time together in your first year. A mentor of mine said it is easy to come off the high of the wedding and things fall flat. The wedding is a great time and you are on an emotional high but you have to make sure you continue that throughout your first year and beyond. We took a few extra trips during our first year and did a good job of having date nights on Friday. That extra quality time made a big difference.
Building Together
Ashley: We really want to raise a healthy, happy family and uproot as many of the systemic things from our culture and our past as we can, like racism against our own people, financial instability, divorce, abuse and more. Now that we're expecting, we have such greater purposes, and we definitely align on what those are.
Don: To raise a family that contributes to the culture. Ash and I are both about helping people, being honest and transparent. If we can establish that in our family, it is a huge win. Our relationship is really rooted in our faith. Since being married, our faith has increased and it makes the meaning of marriage a lot different.
We go through challenges like everyone, but the faith aspect gives us a different perspective on things as those challenges arise. Individually, we are both committed to being better people. We focus on getting better every day in some way and with that mentality, you can't lose.
For more Ashley and Don, follow them on Instagram!
Featured image courtesy of Instagram/@ashleymarierouse.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It’s been nearly twenty years since India.Arie’s crown anthem, “I am not my hair,” gave Black women an affirmation to live by. What followed was a natural hair revolution that birthed a new level of self-love and acceptance. Concerns around how to better care for our hair birthed an entire new generation of entrepreneurs who benefitted from the power of the Black dollar. Retailers made room for product lines made for us, by us, on their shelves, and we further affirmed that though our hair doesn’t define us, it is part of our unique self-expression.
Today, that movement has turned into a wig uprising where Black women are able to experiment with colors, styles, and more without causing irreparable damage to our hair. It could even be said that we’ve arrived at a new level of acceptance: one that does not equate love of oneself to one’s willingness or lack thereof to wear her hair the way others deem acceptable. Not even other people who look like us.
However, as with Blackness itself, the issue of Black women’s hair is layered.
On the surface, it’s nothing more than a matter of personal preference. However, in a deeper dive, issues of texture, curl pattern, and of course, proximity to social acceptance, as well as other runoff streams from the waters of racism and patriarchy, rear their heads. The natural hair movement, though a wide-reaching and liberating community builder, also gave way to colorism and often upheld mainstream beauty standards.
Sometimes, favoring lighter-skinned influencers/creators with very specific hair textures, the white gaze leaked into our safe space and forced us to reckon with it. Accurate representations of natural hair in various states of being—undefined curls, kinks, and unlaid edges—are still absent from brand marketing. Protective styles, though intended to provide breaks from styling for our sensitive hair, have become a mask to help our hair be more palatable. A figurative straddle of the fence in order to appease the comfort of others in the face of our hair’s power.
And then there’s the issue of length.
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As a woman who has spent much of the last decade voluntarily wearing her hair in many variations of short hairstyles, from a pixie cut to a curly fro and a sleek bob, what I’ve gleaned throughout the years is that there is a glaring difference between how I am treated when wearing my hair short than when I opt for weaves, extensions or even grow it out slightly longer than my chin.
The differential treatment comes from women and men alike and spans professional and personal settings, including friends, coworkers, and industry peers.
What has become abundantly clear is that long hair is often conflated with beauty, softness, and any number of other words we relate to femininity in a way that short hair is not. That perceived marker of the essence of womanhood shows up in how I am received, communicated with, and complimented.
Even more so than texture, length has a way of deciding who among us is deserving of our attention, affection, and adoration. Whether naturally grown or proudly bought, the commentary around someone’s look or image greatly shifts when “inches” are present.
When it comes to long hair, we really, really do care.
In an effort to understand whether I had simply been misinterpreting the energy around my hair, I decided to take my findings to social media. I began with two side-by-side photos of myself. In both pictures, my hair is straightened; however, in one, I am wearing my signature pixie cut, and in the other, I am wearing extensions.
I posited that treatment based on hair length is a real thing, and what followed was confirmation that I was not alone in my feelings. “Long hair, like light skin, button noses, and being thin are all forms of social capital,” one user commented. “Some Black women enforce the status quo too, why wouldn’t we?”
Courtesy
This also brought to mind the many times celebrity women (like most recently Beyoncé's Cécred hair tutorial) have done big reveals of their own natural tresses in an attempt to silence any doubt that Black women are able to grow their hair beyond a certain length. Of course, we all know that to be true, so why do we still feel the need to prove it so?
The responses continued to pour in from women of all skin tones, who felt that hair length played a role in people’s treatment of them. “When I have short hair I always feel like people don’t treat me like a woman, they treat me like a kid,” another user commented. “When my hair is long I get a lot more respect for some reason.”
From revelations about feeling invisible to admitted shifts in their own perceived beauty, Black woman after Black woman poured out her experience as it relates to hair length. Though affirmed by their shared realities, knowing that reactions to something so trivial have become yet another hair battle for Black women to fight was disheartening. Though we continue to defy gravity and push the bounds of imagination and creativity by way of our strands, will it always be in response to the idea that we are, somehow, falling short?
Unlike more obvious instances of hair discrimination, the glorification of longer length is sneakier in its connection to Eurocentric beauty standards. Hair commercials, beauty ads, and even hip-hop music have long celebrated the idea of gloriously long tresses while holding onto the ignorant notion that it is inaccessible for Black women.
Even as we continue to fight to prove our hair professional, elegant, and worthy in its natural state to the world at large, we’ve also adopted harmful value markers of our own as a community. It’s evident in how we talk about who has the right to start a haircare line and which influencers we easily platform. It’s evident in the language we use to identify those with long hair versus short hair. And it’s painfully obvious in how we treat one another.
It makes me wonder if India.Arie’s brave rallying cry, almost two decades old in its existence, will ever actually hold true for us. Or will we just continue to invent new ways to uphold the harmful status quo?
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Feature image by Willie B. Thomas/ Getty Images