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Everything You Need To Know About Bond-Building Your Hair
Y’all, I won’t lie — sometimes I will see a Black woman with a texturized TWA (teeny weeny afro), and I will have to talk myself out of pulling out my clippers and going back to the days when I had one. Not only was that look super cute on me (if I do say so myself), but because I have cut my own hair, shoot, most of my adult life, it’s a look that is also really easy to manage. So, why don’t I just do it? Because this journey of learning about my hair via growing it out has been a metaphor for me on so many different levels.
Now, I must admit that the “downside” to knowing how to use shears is I don’t have nearly as many inches as I would’ve if I had more self-control when it comes to turning trims into cuts. However, for the past several months, there has been a different level of progress thanks to 1) taking an iron and biotin supplement); 2) being way gentler with my ends, and 3) adding bond builders to my wash days.
And that last one? When I tell you that it has been a complete game-changer for my hair in just about every single way that I can think of? That’s why I had to pen a piece on it: to help some of y’all out if gaining more inches is a personal goal for you in 2024. Because if one thing has gotten me closer to my own wishes for my hair, bond building, one thousand times over, is it?
Why Bond Builders for Hair Are a Haircare Game-Changer
What Exactly Are Bond Builders, Anyway?
CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images
I oftentimes compare hair to silk. The reason why is because, while on one hand, it’s hella strong (it is literally comparable to steel), at the same time, when it’s not provided the things that it needs, it can be extremely fragile, too. On the fragility tip, for instance, because I am borderline anemic and my periods can be a real trip on the blood loss tip during the first couple of days, I used to underestimate the need for an iron supplement.
As far as how iron affects my hair, without it, I can shed more than the standard 50-100 strands a day. Hair follicles? Did you know that there is such a thing as hygral fatigue? It’s when we end up damaging our hair follicles by applying too much moisture to them. And our tresses’ cuticles? Between heat, styling, hair dye, relaxers, and not giving our hair enough hydration, that can lead to breakage, split ends, and other drama that, unfortunately, is oftentimes irreversible — which means we have to cut our hair because there’s not much else that can be done. *le sigh*
And y’all, that last part is where bond building comes in.
Basically, bond builders are hair products that are loaded with structural proteins that help to both repair as well as strengthen the bonds that are within the hair fibers of your hair cuticles. What’s really cool about them is, unlike a lot of the hair products that claim to do stuff like fix split ends (there’s no such thing, for the record), bond builders actually penetrate your hair cuticles in order to restore some of what’s been lost deep within your hair strands.
As a direct result, your hair ends up becoming stronger (even after the first use), so that it’s less brittle, fragile, and prone to breakage.
Although it’s a bit of a complex process, probably the easiest and quickest way to explain how bond builders actually work is they strengthen your hair by “breathing new life” into the three bonds that make up your hair: the ionic, covalent, and hydrogen ones. The healthier those bonds are, the healthier your hair will be. Cool, right?
How To Know if Your Hair Needs Bond Builders
Okay, so you might be curious about who ultimately benefits most from bond-building products. Although honestly, everyone probably could on some level, many hair experts recommend bond builders to individuals who chemically treat their hair (including dyes) and those who use heat on a regular basis. Although I personally don’t fall into either category, the reason why I still apply bond builders on my wash days is because my hair is high porosity.
This means that my cuticles are lifted, which makes it easier for my hair to absorb moisture (good) and also makes it more vulnerable to losing moisture just as quickly, which makes it easier for my hair to get damaged quicker (not good). By applying a bond builder to my locks, my cuticles are smoother, which reduces frizz and makes my hair easier to manage while also keeping moisture in my hair for longer. I’m telling you, if someone wanted me to do a free commercial for bond building, I totally would! Few things have benefitted my hair so extremely as bond builders in a very long time.
Repair Bond + Resculplex Repair & Protect Leave-In Treatment
Marc Anthony
As far as the brand that I use, I’m a fan of Marc Anthony’s line. I started out with his Repair & Protect Leave-In Treatment and have added a couple of other products along the way. When I tell you that my hair IMMEDIATELY feels softer and stronger after spraying it with his conditioner and that it remains that way for days on end? I’m telling you, bond builders have totally changed my life as far as the quality of my hair goes.
Now, because I’m still relatively new to the whole bond building, I can’t offer much insight on other bond-building products. What I do know is bond building is gaining in popularity, so new ones seem to be popping up on a daily basis. So, if you want to read up on some other ones, Real Simple featured a few in an article that they published on bond builders close to around this time last year. You can look into it here.
What To Know About Bond Builders Before Adding It to Your Routine
Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
If more and more, bond builders are something that you think you’d like to try, just to make sure that I offer up as much information as possible, I want to leave you with three things to keep in mind.
1. There are three main things that bond builders will offer your hair. If you’re still trying to figure out if bond builders are a personal necessity, just remember that it’s great for 1) reducing breakage, 2) retaining moisture, and 3) bringing healing to overprocessed hair. That said, if none of these things is much of a struggle for you, bond-building products are likely to be unnecessary.
2. Not all bond-building products are created equal. When it comes to what I use, I think I was lucky because I know other people who had to go through quite a bit of trial and error before finding a bond builder that was ideal for them. And because some are (way) more expensive than others and/or they can have a sticky residue or odd smell, just be prepared to do some (not the cheapest) experimenting before committing to a particular product.
3. Bond building comes in different forms. There are bond-building shampoos, bond-building conditioners, bond-building masks, and bond-building serums. What I use is a mask and leave-in conditioner because, even when it comes to bond builders, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, especially since they are full of protein (and too much protein can also dry out your hair and lead to breakage). So, as you’re figuring out which route you want to take, try to avoid overkill.
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There you have it. A roaring endorsement of something that can help you retain length by keeping your hair strong from root to tip. Literally. Keep me posted (via the comments) on how bond building ends up working out for you.
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- I Tried Pattern Beauty On My Type 4 Hair & Here’s What I Think ›
- Your Ends Are How You Get Length. 10 Things They Desperately Need. ›
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- I Tried Olaplex On My Natural Hair For 30 Days & Here's What Happened ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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While in a session with a client a few months back, she found herself going on a bit of a tangent about how no woman she knows has ever experienced a vaginal orgasm before, so she didn’t get why it was such a big deal. All I did was sit quietly and let her vent until she said, “Right Shellie? Do you know anyone who’s had one before?”
Yep. Me. And yes, I am well aware of the fact that it’s kind of like being a unicorn out here. Trust me.
What I mean by that is, to this day, reportedly, onlyaround 18 percent of women are able to honestly say that they’ve been able to “see the mountaintop,” just from intercourse alone. And although I am in that number and some of it does have to do with certain “tricks of the trade” (technique, knowing your body, etc.), a lot of it has to do with how your body was made more than anything else (more on that in a second).
That’s why, wheneverthe whole topic of the orgasm gap comes up, I really wish that (more) women would stop stressing themselves out over whether they can have an orgasm vaginally or not. Because while your partner “aiming to please” is a very valid point and necessary requirement when it comes to healthy and happy copulation, if you’re basing being orgasmic on whether or not you’ve had a vaginal orgasm before, you’re really missing the point — and wasting precious time on something that isn’t nearly as big of a deal as you might think that it is (or society might try to make it out to be).
I’ll explain.
What Is a Vaginal Orgasm — and Why Is It So Difficult to Achieve?
Before going deeper into this thing, let me just say that my reason for defining a vaginal orgasm isn’t to come off as patronizing or condescending in any way. I’m just doing it because I think that far too often, whenever the topic of orgasms even comes up, folks loop them all in together — especially vaginal vs. clitoral ones.
That being said, a vaginal orgasm is when you’re able to climax from intercourse alone. This means that you don’t need any (direct) clitoral stimulation in order for an orgasm to take place. Okay, so with that being said, why is it so challenging for so many women to have one? Well, that gets into what I said about the makeup of one’s body — which no one has any control over.
See, the reason why vaginal orgasms are fairly easy for me is that (and yes, my doctor has confirmed it) the distance between my clitoris and my vaginal opening is pretty close together — and the closer they are, the easier it is for a vaginal orgasm to go down.
And gee, when you put it this way, vaginal orgasms still kind of have a cheat code, right? Because whether or not your partner is directly stimulating your clitoris or not, if a vaginal orgasm is about “close clitoral placement,” he still kind of is relying on the clit to make it all happen— he’s just not needing to use his hands, a sex toy or you’re not needing to help him out.
Another thing to note about vaginal orgasms is the G-spot tends to play a starring role in it too. Still, since, at the end of the day, all a G-spot is, is the backside of the clitoris on the inside of your vagina, it’s still the clitoris for the win.
Hmm…sounds to me like, really, a vaginal orgasm is just a different kind of a clitoral orgasm — I mean, not exactly, but kinda…because if there was no clitoris involved at all, I highly doubt that vaginal orgasms would even exist.
NOW do you get why I say that they aren’t as big of a deal as they are made out to be? Orgasms are beyond awesome. And you shouldn’t feel bad if the one that you’re not able to make happen (possibly yet) is a vaginal one.
Let me do my best to drive this point even further home.
Okay. You Are Having Orgasms, Though…Right?
If you read articles on our platform like “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight” and “11 Types Of Orgasms To Add To Your Must-Hit List,” you’ll get that when it comes to “climbing the walls,” there are all kinds of ways to get there. For me? Even though vaginal orgasms aren’t hard for me to experience/achieve, for whatever reason, these 38H cups of mine will almost yawn when it comes to nipple orgasms.
In other words, breasts aren’t in the top five of erogenous zones for me (check out “So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?” and “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life”) — and I’m okay with that. If I happen to experience an orgasm that way (which is oftentimes on a fluke), cool. As long as I know that I can get an orgasm some sort of way, I’m golden.
You’re not me; still, I do encourage you to have a similar mindset. Although it can always be fun to find different ways to achieve things like a blended orgasm (more than one orgasm happening at once) or a kissing orgasm (which is pretty self-explanatory), if you’ve ever had any type of orgasm at all — at the end of the day, that should be good enough because, no matter how the climax happened, wasn’t it pretty damn spectacular? Anything else is just…a bonus. So, why ruin the good that you’ve already got going with stress, internalized pressure, and overthinking?
Hey, I’m not exaggerating by saying that, either. There is plenty of data out in these streets (like these articleshere,here, andhere) that points to the fact that stress definitely lowers libido, hinders sexual arousal, and can ultimately get in the way of having an orgasm. So, if you’re already gettin’ yours, even if it’s the more common way (clitorally) — who cares?
Science has pretty much always said that the purpose of your clitoris is sexual pleasure…so it makes sense that it would be the main part of your body that can “get you there” (if you know what I mean). Therefore, why worry about why your vagina “can’t” when what was created to orgasm totally can?
Am I getting through?
Vaginal Orgasms Shouldn’t Be the Goal. Pleasure Should.
Okay, and what if you’re one ofthe one-third of women who reportedly have never had an orgasm before or hardly ever do? If you happen to fall into this category, that is a bit different because I understand why this would be something that you would want to say you’ve experienced, first-hand, at least a few times in this lifetime. Actually, you are the main reason why I’ve penned articles like “Can’t Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself,” “10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently,” and “Here's Why You Can Climax Sometimes And...Sometimes You Can't;” it’s because I definitely don’t want to gaslight you into thinking that orgasms aren’t one of the best things that life has to offer…because they are. No question.
At the same time, though, the same way that you can overthink about having a vaginal orgasm, that’s the same way that you can rob yourself of enjoying the pleasure of sex overall, if you think that you can’t have a great time unless you come (or always come). Just likekissing feels really good without any kind of sex being involved, the intimacy of sex is amazing even without an orgasm — and yes, I know what that is like as well. Do orgasms come pretty easily for me? Yes.
Still, “off nights” happen, and that doesn’t mean that the rest of the sexual experience still wasn’t satisfying. Indeed and I promise you that the more you make the goal to simply embrace the closeness of relishing your partner as they do the same thing to, for, and with you, the more you can fully appreciate sex…even if it doesn’t end in fireworks. Besides, if one thing is the epitome of, “At least we had a really great time trying,” it’s having sex even if orgasms don’t transpire (by the way, if you really are not at peace with not having orgasms, start with getting your hormone levels checked, then consider seeing a sex therapist — it may be physical or psychologically-based. It can never hurt to get checked out to see).
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Bottom line here: your vagina wasn’t designed just for your sexual pleasure alone (remember, babies come out of there). Know what is, though? Your clitoris. If it’s working and getting the job done (however it happens), that really needs to be good enough. If a vaginal orgasm happens along the way — great. If not, it’s still all good. And I do mean that literally.
Any kind of orgasm is a wonderful thing.
Get it how you live and take the pressure off, sis.
Now…go get you one. However it…cums.
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