
Something that I definitely believe that we learn to appreciate more, the older and wiser that we become, is our friends. Well, let me back that up a bit—first, we discover what it means to actually have real friends. Then, once we get them, we value them in ways that are truly indescribable.
The friends that I've got? Oh, how I adore them. Aside from the fact that I write about relationships for a living, I think that's why I'm constantly pondering ways to be a better friend to the people I truly care about. Some of those ways, I've comprised into seven different hacks. Once you're done reading these, I'm thinking that they'll mostly be common sense. Still, sometimes, we need a bit of a reminder of what we can do to maintain and nurture the connections that we've got. I hope this article can make that happen for you and your peeps.
FRIEND HACK #1: Use, Don’t Abuse, Your Friend’s Support
One of the best things about having friends—true ones, anyway—is they are there to support and encourage us, through good times and bad. There's no doubt about that. However, just because someone is down for you, that doesn't mean that you should take this kind of gift for granted. What do I mean? I've got a former friend who I had to transition out of my life because I pretty much only heard from them when they needed something—and oftentimes what they needed was to vent and then be told that nothing was ever their fault; that they were always right. Not only was that untrue but it got to be mad exhausting; especially since, when it came time for me to share, either they were only halfway listening or their time was super limited.
Something that I adore about the Bible is there is pretty much a verse for any dilemma. When it comes to this particular point, Proverbs 25:17(AMPC) comes to mind. It says, "Let your foot seldom be in your neighbor's house, lest he become tired of you and hate you." Basically, this breaks down to making sure that you don't wear out your welcome. Be sensitive to your friend's lifestyle and schedule. Learn to read the room when it comes to their energy when the two of you do connect. Also, be open to giving the kind of support that you desire. Yes, your friends should be down for you (as you are for them), but they are only human. Sometimes they need space. Definitely some reciprocation too.
FRIEND HACK #2: Speak Your Friend’s Love Language
Some of my friends are quality time people. What this pretty much boils down to is, I can't make up for not hitting them up on the phone with gifts or affirmations. No, I've got to set aside time to converse with them; preferably in person. Some of my friends are acts of service folks. It truly moves them when I retain something that they said they were doing or needing and then I take care of it for them. Physical touch friends are interesting because they don't seem to do well with respecting personal space (LOL). They wanna hug when they first see me, they touch a lot during the visit, and they wanna hug again and maybe even kiss me on my cheek or forehead before they go. For years, I used to try and get my friends to not put these kinds of expectations on me. After learning more about how love languages apply on a friendship level, I realized that how they are isn't "weird" or "wrong", it's simply how they desire for love to be expressed to them. Noted.
While we're on this topic, it's also not a good idea to simply assume that you know what your friend's love language is. For instance, I have one friend who assumed that I was a quality time individual when I'm absolutely not that (shout-out to the ambiverts). I am absolutely a words of affirmation kind of gal. Before they knew this, sometimes they would plan dates that had me on the "Yeah, I'll pass" tip, simply because I wanted to stay at home. Then they would get offended. Once I explained that a card or affirming email is more than enough, we stopped butting heads in this way. I accepted that going out was more for their benefit than mine and so we met each other halfway.
I think I'm always gonna be a fan of love languages because they really do remind you that we all need to feel loved…differently. If you want to learn more about how to speak your friend's love language, check out "This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships". It can be a real lifesaver when it comes to making your friends feel special in their own unique and specified way. Same goes for you as well.
FRIEND HACK #3: Don’t Dish Out What You Can’t Take
THIS. ONE. RIGHT. HERE. Have you ever had a friend who feels like they can just say whatever to you, even about you, and then the moment you're like, "Hold up, sis. You ain't Jesus", suddenly they either turn mad passive aggressive or they act all bent out of shape? One of the things that I adore about all of my friends at this point (and it took some sifting to get here, believe you me, chile) is we all want to see each other grow and win. This means that sometimes we ALL have to hear some things that are difficult to take in about ourselves.
If you're someone who believes that the definition of a true friend is someone who only compliments you and never calls you out on your ish, you might want to cop some self-help books on what healthy friendships consist of. In the meantime, if you know that you're too sensitive to take rebuke or correction, how about you don't dish it out? It'll reduce the drama in your friendships by at least 30 percent. No joke.
FRIEND HACK #4: Honor the Individuality of Each Person
A wise person once said, "Embrace your individuality. Love what you love without judgment." Along these same lines, there's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works." (Psalm 33:15—NKJV) Individuality is all about what makes someone distinctive, unique and a complete and total original. This means that there is no point in comparing one person to someone else because, how do two originals actually compete when they are both incomparable? When you really stop and think about it…they don't.
This is so important to keep in mind when it comes to your friendships. Each person is rare. Each person will benefit your life in ways that no one else can. Each person will cause you to think differently about some things than anyone else would. And each person is definitely not supposed to be your clone. So many people suffer in their relationships with other people because they act like their job is to "make" others become more like them. What a healthy and humble person does is accept the individuality of the people in their life and embrace how they complement them, on a person-by-person basis. They love the differences; they never seek how to alter them.
FRIEND HACK #5: Pay Close Attention to Their (Friendship-Related) Strengths and Weaknesses
One of my friends is an awesome listener but sucks at picking up her phone. That's funny to process, even as I'm typing it out, because it's like she really is the best communicator—when you can reach her. Because she's an introvert (along with her daily life demands), she just doesn't keep her phone around her much, so it really is kind of a catch-her-if-you-can or shoot-her-an-email-if-it's-dire kind of dynamic. Then I've got a friend who I can reach out to at any time. "Problem" is, there's absolutely no telling how many other things that she's going to be doing and how many times she's gonna cut me off as I'm trying to get my thoughts across.
Both of these things used to irk the entire hell outta me. That was until I decided to acknowledge what each of my friends' friendship-related strengths and weaknesses are. If I needed some really serious insight, I'll shoot my introvert friend an email to let her know that I need to speak with her sooner than later. If I just want some company, I'll hit up my friend who doesn't listen the best but is hilarious and always around.
Coming to this kind of understanding has prevented me from getting frustrated and from putting totally unnecessary pressure on my friends. Oftentimes, the universe brings us different people so that we can get certain things from each one. Assess how each friend works in your life. Thank the Lord for the strengths; try not to harp too much on the weaknesses.
FRIEND HACK #6: Mutually Discuss Each Other’s (Friendship-Related) Needs
Even though I wrote "10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins" two years ago with a New Year's Day theme, I encourage you to check it out when you get a chance. Unfortunately, some friendships come to an end, not because the mutual love and respect are missing; it's because one or both people feel like their needs are going unmet. What's really sad is the fact that sometimes, it's not that both people are incapable or even unwilling to meet the need; it's more like both individuals assumed that the other should know what those needs are.
Listen, just because someone cares, profoundly so, about you, that doesn't mean that they can read your mind or that they are spending every waking hour trying to figure out how to keep you happy. Plus, as life goes on, typically, our needs can change, so it's unrealistic to expect someone to just "figure that out" on their own.
I can't think of one friend I've got where we don't talk about what we need from each other, at least twice a year. Sometimes the needs are the same. Many times, they aren't. It's so beneficial for us both to get everything out on the table so that we can be the best kind of friend to one another. The only thing that makes that happen is open and honest communication.
FRIEND HACK #7: Expect Friendships to Transition and Evolve
Something that I'm amazed by when it comes to long-term marriages and friendships is the ability that the two people who are involved had to stay committed throughout their individual growth and transitions. A columnist by the name of Richard J. Needham once said, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." And you know what? This is oftentimes the case with friendships too.
One of my very closest friends? When we met, she was single and taking a long (and much-needed break) from her music career. Over the course of our 13-year friendship, she got married, had two children (who are eight years apart) and signed a deal. All of these things have caused us to have to shift things like time times when we talk and, because our lives are very different, even what we talk about a lot of the time. I've got to endure potty training updates and she's gotta listen to me talk about past dudes who are still hitting me up (chile). Because we want to remain in each other's lives, we're intentional about not just…growing apart. That doesn't mean that this doesn't require effort and sacrifice on both of our parts, though. Evolution always does.
So yeah, I'm gonna close out this friendship hack by reminding you that one of the greatest challenges in relationships is accepting that sometimes people grow at different paces and—differently period. If the love, respect, communication and clarity about the purpose that each of you serve to one another is there, you can still be thick as thieves. You can still be the kind of friends that are very special and necessary. You can still withstand (pretty much) whatever comes your way—together.
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
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Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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