I remember the day of my wedding…when I started feeling my contraception ring coming out of my vagina. I had only recently started using the ring even though I was more used to taking the pill. There I was in the bathroom stall with one of my bridesmaids, and she was literally helping to guide my ring back up into my vagina because I could feel it slipping out of me. Although quite embarrassing, let's just say that we're forever bonded by that experience. So, have you ever tried a new birth control method that wasn't the best for you but it seemed to work well for others?
During a recent interview with Board Certified Obstetrician & Gynecologist, Dr. Chimsom Oleka, she provided a list of all of the birth control methods currently available, which can potentially serve as a starting point for those of you who may be exploring new contraceptive methods.* As you continue reading, you'll notice that the list is organized based on what Dr. Oleka refers to as Short-acting (hormonal and non-hormonal), to Long-acting, to Barriers of Protection.
Before we dive into the list, let's first clarify specifically what birth control does. As. Dr. Oleka explained, for most methods, birth control releases certain hormones in your body which contributes to the ultimate end goal: block ovulation or keep an egg from being released, thicken the mucus in the cervix so that sperm can't pass through, and/or thin the lining of the uterus, which decreases chances of implantation. Each birth control method is designed to do each or all of these things, but depending on the method, they will either do them better, worse, or not at all.
Choosing The Best Birth Control Method For You
SHORT-ACTING BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
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Note: Throughout this section, you will notice references related to "continuous" or "extended" usage. As Dr. Oleka explained, many of us have a false idea of what the period is supposed to do. Contrary to popular belief in terms of what our menstrual cycle does and why it's "necessary" every month, ultimately its main purpose is for pregnancy. That's it.
As Dr. Oleka expertly pointed out, "It's the birth control's period, not your period. Your birth control will start stimulating the lining and doing all of the things that cause you to bleed." So, as long as you have a hormone that's assisting with protecting and keeping your uterus lining thin, and as long as you've consulted your physician beforehand, then you don't have to necessarily worry about shedding the lining every month (i.e. having a period).
Consider, for example, women who have bleeding disorders (i.e. their bodies bleed too much or won't stop bleeding), female athletes, as well as those who may suffer with things such as menstrual migraines…situations like these support the case for continuous or extended methods.
Method: Birth Control Pill (Hormonal - Estrogen and Progesterone)
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How It's Administered: Self-ingested orally, daily
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate (i.e., approximately 1 in 10 will get pregnant)
Description & Overview:
Birth control pills usually come in 28-day pill packs (four rows of seven pills) including a week of placebo, non-active pills. There are different variations as well, but it's critical that you take it every day at the same time.
The most commonly used pill has both estrogen and progesterone. With estrogen, it tends to help provide more stability of the lining. However, some people may not want estrogen or they may have an underlying medical issue that conflicts with the estrogen. There is a risk of blood clots, although fairly low, but the risk of this goes up when you're pregnant. With the pill, it helps regulate the bleeding, which in turn, helps make it predictable. It's known to have protective benefits such as helping to decrease risk of certain cancers and it can help reduce symptoms related to fibroids.
Also, you can use this method, as well as other methods, continuously or in an extended way so that you can delay or skip the bleeding (i.e. going on vacation). For example, if you wanted to try an extended use, then you could delay the withdrawal bleeding (period) for a set number of weeks or months by skipping the last row for let's say two months. Then, you would take the last row of inactive pills the third month, so that you would only bleed approximately every 10 weeks.
On the other hand, if you're someone who decides "I don't want to bleed at all," then you could skip the last row of inactive pills and move forward with starting the new pack each month. Keep in mind, if you don't bleed or you bleed too heavily already, there may be other medical issues going on, so as always, you'll want to consult your physician about this.
Side effects can vary, but some of the most common side effects include: nausea, breast tenderness, and initial irregular bleeding.
Method: Birth Control Pill (Hormonal - Progesterone Only)
How It's Administered: Self-ingested orally, daily
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
This method basically works pretty much the same as the first pill mentioned above, but it doesn't include estrogen. It only includes progesterone.
Progesterone-only pills can be harder for some women to use because you have to be really consistent. If the daily pill ingestion time is missed by as little as three hours, then it loses its efficacy. Hence, it's critical that you take the pill every day at the same time.
With the progesterone-only pill, there's also a greater chance of irregular bleeding. Hence, this method is usually recommended by the physician if there are estrogen-related conflicting medical issues.
Method: Vaginal Ring (Hormonal – Estrogen and Progesterone)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Self-inserted through Vagina
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The vaginal ring is a soft, flexible ring approximately two inches wide and four centimeters thick that is self-inserted and removed in/out of the vagina. Some women will tie a string to the ring and there's also an applicator that can be used to assist with insertion and removal.
The vaginal ring stays in for three weeks and releases hormones every day. Once removed for seven days, it allows withdrawal bleeding (period) to occur. Then, a new ring is inserted every four weeks. This method can be used continuously if you bypass the seven days and move forward with inserting the new ring every three or four weeks, or in an extended way if you bypass the seven days every few months or so.
The ring has been known to cause breakthrough or irregular bleeding. Not to mention, there are times when the ring can slip out during sex, which of course can directly impact the efficacy.
Method: Progesterone-Only Shot (Hormonal - commonly referred to as “Depo”, short for Depo Medroxyprogesterone Acetate)
How It's Administered: Injected in arm by physician
Efficacy: 6% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The progesterone-only shot is usually injected every three months (or every 11 to 13 weeks). Although the failure rate is approximately 6%, that's also related to the fact that patients are late with getting their scheduled shot.
Depo is known to decrease bone mineral density (contributes to the risk of fractures) within the first two years, but you start to recover it within 30 months after you stop taking it.
Also, because the shot can linger in your system up to nine months after your last shot (not the efficacy), it has the propensity to delay the return to your normal fertility state.
Some of the most common side effects include weight gain with research showing that it can act as an appetite stimulant.
Method: The Patch (Hormonal – Estrogen and Progesterone)
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How It's Administered: Self-adhesive
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The patch is a small, square-shaped band-aid like adhesive or patch that can be applied to your upper arm, abdomen, or butt. You receive a new patch every three weeks and the fourth week is when you're patch free to allow for withdrawal bleeding.
This method is not recommended for extended or continuous cycles like with the pill and ring because it has higher levels of estrogen, which means increased risk for blood clots. Also, if you have sensitive skin or you're prone to breakouts and rashes, then you may want to avoid this method as well.
The patch can cause irregular or breakthrough bleeding or no bleeding at all depending on the individual. During the first few months of use, you may experience that as well as nausea, but it usually improves over time.
Method: Family Planning (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: N/A - Personal planning and scheduling
Efficacy: Up to 40% failure rate
Description & Overview:
There are a variety of options as it relates to family planning including: use of calendars, basal body temperature, cervical mucus, and more. There are a lot of useful tracking apps that can help with these methods as well.
Family planning can be taught and is a pretty well-accepted method. However, it can only be used if you have a regular cycle. Also, it has a very high failure rate because it requires extensive tracking and managing certain records such as time, ovulation, and temperature. So, you have to be extremely detailed-oriented, organized, and highly motivated to be successful with family planning. Otherwise, it can be extremely overwhelming for some people.
Due to the excessive planning and stringent scheduling, it can potentially decrease sexual spontaneity and/or convenience.
LONG-ACTING BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
Method: IUD (Hormonal - Progesterone Only)
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How It's Administered: Inserted vaginally by physician (through opening of cervix, into the uterus)
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The IUD has varying brands (Mirena has been around the longest), costs, and dosages. The IUD is a small, t-shaped plastic piece, approximately 3 cm in size, although the size can vary as well. In addition to women who have had children, the IUD can be used in teenagers as well as women who have not have had babies.
Remember, this is a longer-acting method, so this is ideal for someone who wants to hold off on having children for a longer period of time.
Some of the most common side effects include insertional discomfort (I'm a personal witness to this) and irregular bleeding although it tends to help those who suffer from painful periods and heavy flow. The longer you leave it in, the less likely you'll bleed.
Method: Copper IUD (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Inserted vaginally by physician (through opening of cervix, into the uterus)
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate
Description & Overview:
Similar to the IUD previously mentioned, the copper IUD is a latex-free, t-shaped, plastic piece but it also includes areas of exposed copper. By releasing copper salts into your body, the copper tricks the uterus into thinking something foreign is inside, creating an appearance of a "chaotic" environment in your system, which ultimately blocks sperm and prevents reproduction. It can last for 10 years, but it has been known to be effective for up to 12 years.
The copper IUD is ideal for someone who doesn't want to deal with hormones, or someone who is certain they don't want children for a long time. There are instances where it can be used as emergency contraception but it won't work if something has already been implanted.
Because this method doesn't affect ovulation, this method is also ideal for women who want to continue bleeding or women within certain cultures where the idea of contraception isn't readily accepted. This can serve as contraception method without anyone else truly knowing that you're taking it because you will still have a period as normal.
The most common side effects usually include more painful cramping or heavier bleeding.
Method: Contraceptive Implant (Hormonal – Progesterone Only)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Implanted in arm by physician
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate (the most effective method)
Description & Overview:
The contraceptive implant is a flexible, plastic rod that's placed inside the upper arm. It's small and thick - approximately 4 cm long and 2 mm thick. It releases hormones daily, and lasts for three years, although recent data shows it may last longer than that. After three years, you get a new one if you choose to do so. Otherwise, you will return back to your baseline fertility.
Some of the most common side effects can include irregular bleeding, no bleeding (approximately 6%), or heavier bleeding. For those who experience irregular bleeding, there are ways to decrease it and make it more manageable. Also, there are rare occasions where, if placed improperly, it can shift or migrate.
BARRIERS OF PROTECTION** BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
The most common effects for any of the following methods can include vaginal discharge and irritation. After the use of these, the return to fertility is usually fairly quick.
As it relates to a lot of these barriers of protection, Dr. Oleka likes to think of it this way, "Condoms should be used more so for STD and HIV/AIDS protection, and less for pregnancy prevention." Nevertheless, they are still considered methods for both pregnancy and STD/HIV prevention.
Method: Male Condom (Non-hormonal)
Michael Kraus/Shutterstock
How It's Administered: Applied by male on his penis
Efficacy: 15% failure rate (research across the board states this although it seems quite questionable by both the expert and the writer)
When to Apply: Right before sex
Description & Overview:
Condoms are usually latex or you can opt for lambskin if you're allergic to latex. However, anything non-latex has been known to be less effective in preventing pregnancy as well as STDs. With condoms, common things like inconsistent use, slippage during sex, and the risk of it tearing are a few factors that can directly impact the overall efficacy.
Method: Female Condom (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 21% failure rate
When to Apply: Right before sex
Description & Overview:
Similar to the male condom, the female condom has a thick ring that's used for placement within the vagina along with the pouch that goes in when it's time to have sex. There's also a thin ring that goes outside of the vagina. With this method, proper placement is just as important because it helps prevent condom slippage during sex. Also, the male condom should not be used when the female condom is used because it can cause tearing.
Method: Diaphragm
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How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 16% failure rate
When to Apply: Up to six hours before sex.
Description & Overview:
The Diaphragm is reusable silicon disk that's self-inserted through the vagina. Similar to the cervical cap, it should be inserted up to six hours before you have sex and should remain in your vagina at least six hours after sex. A spermicide should also be used in conjunction with the diaphragm to help ensure efficacy. It's also possible for the diaphragm to become dislodged during sex.
Method: Cervical Cap (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 14 to 20% failure rate
When to Apply: Up to six hours before sex
Description & Overview:
The cervical cap is a reusable silicone rubber cup that sits on the cervix while you're having sex. Think of it as a "hat" that comes in different sizes and sits on your cervix. It's usually inserted into the vagina up to six hours prior to sex, it should remain in there for at least six hours after sex (and can remain there up to 48 hours). Of note, it only works if used with a spermicide. There's usually only one brand available in the United States.
One thing to consider is proper placement of the cap, and making sure you're comfortable with putting it in your vagina. Also, if you've already had a baby, then you'll have a higher risk of contraception failure.
Additionally, here are a few things Dr. Oleka suggests women should consider before choosing a contraceptive:
- What are your chances of getting pregnant with this method (efficacy)?
- What do you want your bleeding profile to look like (i.e. how often do you want your "withdrawal bleeding" or menstrual cycle to occur)? How will this affect my bleeding profile?
- What does your lifestyle look like (i.e. will it be difficult to remember to take the pill every day versus another option that may not require as much involvement)?
- What are your priorities? What does the timeline for trying, starting, or growing your family look like?
- How long do you want it to be in effect or control?
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As always, Dr. Oleka reminds everyone to be sure and consult your physician* when deciding on a method because hormones affect individuals differently. Not to mention, there's certain criteria and health/risk factors that doctors review and consider when determining contraception needs for their patients.
With most methods, efficacy is usually effective within a week or so, but to be safe, Dr. Oleka suggests giving the new contraception at least a month or two to allow enough time to confirm efficacy on your side and to see how well your body reacts to it.
*Before taking any medications, over-the-counter drugs, supplements or herbs, consult a physician for a thorough evaluation. xoNecole does not endorse any medications, vitamins or herbs. A qualified physician should make a decision based on each person's medical history and current prescriptions. The prescribing physician should be consulted concerning any questions that you have.
**Quick note about Plan B: Plan B is NOT a standard contraceptive like those mentioned above. Conversely, it is an emergency contraceptive, and should be used as soon as possible after sex (within 72 hours, up to 5 days). Dr. Oleka recommends that you already have some beforehand to prevent from panicking or having to run around to find in the middle of the night trying to find an open local pharmacy.
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Take orgasms, for example. Since I’m well aware of the fact that vaginal orgasms (especially) can be a real challenge for a lot of women, I’m constantly on the hunt for what can help to “bridge the gap” in that arena.
And that’s why I decided, this time, to forego science articles, vlogs, and online data and instead ask some women for myself about some of the things that they do to make having an orgasm, improving their orgasms, and their sexual experience overall something that is so much better for themselves.
So, grab yourself a light aphrodisiac snack (check out “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs”) and dig into what 15 Black women told me gets them off, in a mighty big way, just about every time.
*As always, middle names have been used so that everyone can feel comfortable giving up the goods…umm, so to speak*
1. Rochelle. 37. Married for 11 Years.
Giphy“While y’all be out here talking about some kegels, what I’m into is my man giving me a hip massage. The key is to make sure you use some sort of massage oil that has menthol in it. Between the tingling of the menthol and him rubbing on your hips, not only is it really relaxing, but the ‘minty feel’ opens your body up so that once intercourse begins, you’re less tense, and that makes having an orgasm so much easier to do.”
2. Karmyn. 27. Single.
“Kiss him the way you want him to penetrate you. Literally, use your tongue as if it were a penis and move it in his mouth like you want him to move inside of you. The kissing will turn you both on, and if he follows your instructions, you should be able to orgasm with no problem."
"I learned this trick when I asked an ex of mine to explain what p — sy feels like, and he said the best way to explain it is what a tongue feels like inside of [the] mouth. He should’ve never told me that, boy! It’s been hell in these streets ever since!”
3. LaChelle. 43. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
“If you’re self-conscious about your body, get some lingerie that has cutouts in them. There is a lot of sexy stuff out here that can have you covering up the parts you’re not comfortable with while still giving him access to the ‘main events.’ My man loves one of my lace one-piece teddies that has no crotch, and it’s easier for me to orgasm because I’m not overthinking the entire time.”
4. Trinitee. 27. Married for One Year.
Giphy“We’ve only been married a year, but we weren’t exactly abstinent when we were just dating. So, we like to find ways to keep it fresh. One thing that we do is go ‘hotel hopping’ once a month. We find a new hotel and meet each other there. We try and do different hours of the day and come with a surprise in hand. Like he might bring a new sex toy, and I might have on some lingerie that he’s never seen before. Then we text each other beforehand to talk about the best part of the sex we had from the last hotel we visited. The anticipation is foreplay.”
5. Wren. 33. In a Serious Relationship for Six Years.
“What works for me is doing afterplay as foreplay. What I mean by that is, taking a nap naked with my boo before any sexual activity is one of my favorite things. Being up under him, especially if he’s spooning me, feels really good, sleeping together is very intimate, and — there’s something about being awakened outta my sleep with kisses on my neck and back that almost makes me want to cum right then and there.”
6. Bevalyn. 40. Living with Her Partner for Four Years.
“Get on your back and have him kneel in front of you."
"Put your legs over his, and when he penetrates you, ask him to use one of his hands to apply pressure on your pubic bone — the area right above your clitoris."
"As he’s gently pushing down while he’s inside of you…if you don’t cum from that, I don’t know what else to tell you, sis.”
7. Sophia. 38. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
Giphy“Shower sex can be a bit much, and I don’t trust a used jacuzzi. What we do is fill up our own inflatable pool and get it on inside of it. It’s perfect during the summer, late at night, because we have a tall fence. Just make sure that you bring some silicone lube to keep things slippery down there. An inflatable pool has been one of the best sex investments that we have ever made!”
8. Averie. 35. Single.
“Wanna know if your man is as into giving you head as he claims? Right after he goes down on you, ask him to immediately penetrate you. If he’s hard, he’s totally into it, and if he catches you soon enough, you’ll be in the perfect position to have a multiple orgasm. Don’t say I didn’t give you the ultimate cheat code.”
9. Victoria. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Shellie, you actually got me on the cinnamon kick when I read one of your articles that talked about applying cinnamon oil to my clit before oral sex. Since [then], I’ve been doing some research, and it says that cinnamon is also an aphrodisiac because it stimulates blood flow. So, I’ll also drink cinnamon tea throughout the day or share a cinnamon cocktail with my husband. Works like a charm.”
Shellie here: She’s right. I did say that. LOL. You can read for yourself: “Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.”
10. Daniela. 28. Engaged for Six Months.
Giphy“Ever been fingered backward? What I mean is, get on all fours and have him insert a finger or two from behind with his palm being flat. That way, the space in between your anus and your vagina will get a massage while your vagina gets penetrated. There’s nothing quite like it.”
11. Saven. 32. Single.
“Ice. Have him rub a little bit of ice on your clitoris and then immediately warm it up with his tongue. There is something about the drastic changes in temperature that gets me every time. And I mean, EVERY time.”
12. Ferynn. 30. Living with Her Partner for Five Years.
“I don’t know about you, but my man loves to put my legs up in the air. It was never really my favorite move until I read that behind the knees are an unsung erogenous zone. Whoever found that out was onto something because if he rubs back there while talking real crazy to me in a deep voice? Here I come…HERE I COME!”
13. Vivienne. 30. Engaged for One Year.
Giphy“Never underestimate the power of a foot massage. Just make sure that he applies pressure in the middle of your foot where your arch is. It instantly makes me wet. I asked my doctor why and he said that it’s probably because foot massages tend to increase blood flow, including where the vagina is. Either way, it’s always a good night if I get a foot massage first.”
14. Michelle. 24. Single.
“I’m a doula who owns my own exercise ball…for sex. When I first started showing couples the positions that women can get into to make labor easier, it got me to thinking that some of those positions could work for sex too — and they do."
"Something about the movement of the ball takes the pressure off of the back for both men and women. It also makes getting into certain positions a lot easier so that you can enjoy sex for a lot longer.”
15. Carol. 31. Married for Five Years.
“My husband and I have bets. If he wants me to make some of his favorite meals five days in a row, he’s gotta make me cum five times in a row. If I want him to get me something that’s not in our budget, I’ve gotta attempt one of his sex fantasies. We’re both competitive as hell, so it works for us because honestly, even when we ‘lose’…we win!”
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Listen, I don’t know about y’all, but this was definitely worth my while. After all, ain’t nothin’ like some Black women who can speak from very-personal-and-up-close experience about what makes them happy — especially if it can increase the odds of bringing some sexual satisfaction your way too.
Speaking of, if you want to share the wealth, drop some of your own orgasm-related tips in the comment section. The more of us who can woosah on the regular, the better, chile. Straight up. #havefun #lotsofit
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